I need to get away?!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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I need to get away?!
So I have been in an on-off relationship with my partner for 4 years and our relationship is destructive to say the least, I know that it will end up ruining me but I can't seem to stay away from him!
I love him and he says he loves me and I do believe him but I think he doesn't know how to show it and I know he will never stop drinking, he is in court today for drink driving and crashing my car and he is currently sat drinking now whilst waiting to go to court!? I just don't understand his logic? He looks a mess because he was out all day yesterday drinking after appearing in court with regards to his ex girlfriend.
He always seems to get away with anything he's done and thinks it's not as bad as things are, I know that this is partly my fault because I keep getting back with him so he doesn't think he has any reason to change his habits but he will end up dead or in prison if he carries on and I know that I am not happy with things the way they are, I feel I am losing who I really am or could be 😢 Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I love him and he says he loves me and I do believe him but I think he doesn't know how to show it and I know he will never stop drinking, he is in court today for drink driving and crashing my car and he is currently sat drinking now whilst waiting to go to court!? I just don't understand his logic? He looks a mess because he was out all day yesterday drinking after appearing in court with regards to his ex girlfriend.
He always seems to get away with anything he's done and thinks it's not as bad as things are, I know that this is partly my fault because I keep getting back with him so he doesn't think he has any reason to change his habits but he will end up dead or in prison if he carries on and I know that I am not happy with things the way they are, I feel I am losing who I really am or could be 😢 Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you're right--this is a good place to say, "Enough."
You don't "understand his logic"--there IS no logic with alcoholism.
What was he in court for "with regards to his ex girlfriend"?
You're lucky he didn't kill someone while driving drunk--YOU could have been liable because he was driving your car.
I'd suggest finding an Al-Anon group so you can start figuring out a healthier way to live--this relationship holds nothing but more pain for you.
You don't "understand his logic"--there IS no logic with alcoholism.
What was he in court for "with regards to his ex girlfriend"?
You're lucky he didn't kill someone while driving drunk--YOU could have been liable because he was driving your car.
I'd suggest finding an Al-Anon group so you can start figuring out a healthier way to live--this relationship holds nothing but more pain for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Rach86 
our relationship is destructive to say the least, I know that it will end up ruining me but I can't seem to stay away from him!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Rach, and welcome to SR. I think this
is absolutely true, and I'm glad you've come here looking for help to turn things around.
The first thing I'd suggest is reading as much as you can here. This site is a mother lode of wisdom, experience and education about alcoholism. Be sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; there is a lot of helpful information there too.
Others have already mentioned Alanon for some face-to-face support, and I would second that.
Take some time to learn about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it. Also, as another poster mentioned, take some time to think about your own role in all of this--what are you getting from this relationship?
There certainly is hope and a better life for you. Please keep coming back, reading and posting. Wishing you strength and clarity, Rach.
I feel I am losing who I really am or could be
The first thing I'd suggest is reading as much as you can here. This site is a mother lode of wisdom, experience and education about alcoholism. Be sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; there is a lot of helpful information there too.
Others have already mentioned Alanon for some face-to-face support, and I would second that.
Take some time to learn about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it. Also, as another poster mentioned, take some time to think about your own role in all of this--what are you getting from this relationship?
There certainly is hope and a better life for you. Please keep coming back, reading and posting. Wishing you strength and clarity, Rach.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he says he loves me and I do believe him but I think he doesn't know how to show it
it is recommended here on SR to look at ACTIONS, instead of listen to WORDS. with that in mind, does this man ACT like he LOVES you? cares about you? respects you? admires you? has your best interests at heart?
if we have to talk ourselves into thinking that maybe they DO love but they just <<fill in the excuse here>> then it is likely WE are living in denial and holding onto some fantasy.
while his drinking is NOT your fault, continuing to stay with him, letting him drive and wreck YOUR car while drunk, you are helping to enable his condition and give him indications that it is all OK.
it's time to love yourself. get out of any unhealthy situations and create boundaries that keep you safe.
it is recommended here on SR to look at ACTIONS, instead of listen to WORDS. with that in mind, does this man ACT like he LOVES you? cares about you? respects you? admires you? has your best interests at heart?
if we have to talk ourselves into thinking that maybe they DO love but they just <<fill in the excuse here>> then it is likely WE are living in denial and holding onto some fantasy.
while his drinking is NOT your fault, continuing to stay with him, letting him drive and wreck YOUR car while drunk, you are helping to enable his condition and give him indications that it is all OK.
it's time to love yourself. get out of any unhealthy situations and create boundaries that keep you safe.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Thankyou for all of your replys, I'm unsure how to reply to you individually, he was I court regarding his ex for sexual assault, sounds worse than it was I think, he bit her boob apparently. He came away with a voluntary restraining order because she wouldn't give evidence which i really needed to hear, I made myself go so I could hear both sides for a change, but I never got to and he will tell me it's because there was no proof because nothing happened, this was about 6 weeks ago we had fallen out again and he went to her house to discuss their child so he told me!
I also do realise just how much worse the crash could of been, I was in the car myself and we were both lucky to of walked away, and that nobody else was involved, he told me to run away with him when he crashed but I didn't, and today he has pleaded not guilty to driving and is telling me that I don't have to get involved (I made a statement to say he was driving) but I think he just wants me to not go ahead with it so he gets away with it?
I also think I know that I don't think very much of myself to allow myself to be treated this way but I don't know how I am supposed to change the way that I am as a person? I have always been the same, I hope I can make people better, he says that he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every night, which he doesn't he usually doesn't drink during the week, he works and can be quite nice then it is mainly weekends he can't go without going to the pub he will go from open till closing time day after day, he takes drugs also, probably more often than I realise and he speaks to me and about me disgustingly, he hasn't really tried to make an effort with my children so for the last 12 months I have kept my relationship with him completely separate and only see him the nights that they are at their dads which is every weekend, I just wish he could be the person that I need him to be because I don't want anyone else but I know that he isn't good for me or my children, unless he was to get help which I honestly don't think he ever will!?
I also do realise just how much worse the crash could of been, I was in the car myself and we were both lucky to of walked away, and that nobody else was involved, he told me to run away with him when he crashed but I didn't, and today he has pleaded not guilty to driving and is telling me that I don't have to get involved (I made a statement to say he was driving) but I think he just wants me to not go ahead with it so he gets away with it?
I also think I know that I don't think very much of myself to allow myself to be treated this way but I don't know how I am supposed to change the way that I am as a person? I have always been the same, I hope I can make people better, he says that he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every night, which he doesn't he usually doesn't drink during the week, he works and can be quite nice then it is mainly weekends he can't go without going to the pub he will go from open till closing time day after day, he takes drugs also, probably more often than I realise and he speaks to me and about me disgustingly, he hasn't really tried to make an effort with my children so for the last 12 months I have kept my relationship with him completely separate and only see him the nights that they are at their dads which is every weekend, I just wish he could be the person that I need him to be because I don't want anyone else but I know that he isn't good for me or my children, unless he was to get help which I honestly don't think he ever will!?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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but I don't know how I am supposed to change the way that I am as a person?
but you want HIM to change, right?
I know that he isn't good for me or my children, unless he was to get help which I honestly don't think he ever will!?
we ALL have the CAPACITY to change, it's a matter of actually taking ACTION to do so. he's not going to make you better, he's not going to be good for the children, and he is completely out to lunch regarding the impact his drinking has and the damage he causes.
step one, get away from him. he's just going to bring you down. he's toxic.
step two, seek help in the form of support groups like Alanon or CODA or Celebrate Recovery, read all you can about addiction and codependency, and consider some counseling, who you could consider a personal guide to a better way of living.
think about the most important things in life you want to teach your children. are YOU the person you wish them to aspire? do you want them to ever say "I CAN'T" or "I'll Never Change" ?? then BE what you hope them to become!
but you want HIM to change, right?
I know that he isn't good for me or my children, unless he was to get help which I honestly don't think he ever will!?
we ALL have the CAPACITY to change, it's a matter of actually taking ACTION to do so. he's not going to make you better, he's not going to be good for the children, and he is completely out to lunch regarding the impact his drinking has and the damage he causes.
step one, get away from him. he's just going to bring you down. he's toxic.
step two, seek help in the form of support groups like Alanon or CODA or Celebrate Recovery, read all you can about addiction and codependency, and consider some counseling, who you could consider a personal guide to a better way of living.
think about the most important things in life you want to teach your children. are YOU the person you wish them to aspire? do you want them to ever say "I CAN'T" or "I'll Never Change" ?? then BE what you hope them to become!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Rach86
he was I court regarding his ex for sexual assault, sounds worse than it was I think, he bit her boob apparently.
Yes, he will manipulate you, just as he did his ex-g/f, and will continue to abuse you (and probably her as well).
I've worked in the domestic violence field for a very long time. This man is dangerous--to you and to anyone he's in a relationship with. I suggest you call your local women's shelter and talk with someone about safety planning and your options for safely getting out of this relationship. They can probably connect you with a counselor or a support group to help you get out safely and make a better life for yourself so you don't repeat the same pattern in your future relationships.
Your initial thought when you first posted was that you need to get away. I think that was a very good thought. I hope you will make it happen.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Thankyou for your reply, I have wanted for a long time to be able to pull away from him but I haven't a clue where to turn for help, my whole family dislike him but I find myself just ignoring what they say about him, I also fear that there is a possibility of losing my children because of him, is that possible? And if I was to go to the doctors say for advice would they refer my case to social services?
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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No never! He used to come round when I had them and stay over most nights but for the last 12 months I have kept them completely apart, in the past my daughter aged 9 heard him shouting at me and came in and shouted at him to leave me alone, why that wasn't even enough for me to realise I'll never know ��
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Rach86
I have just looked up CODA meetings in my area and messages about going along so hopefully it's a step in the right direction
Also you sound so much like one of us so I think you have found the right place!
Please get to that meeting; if it isn't a good fit, find another one and come what may post here.
You can figure this out and do what is right for yourself, your ABF and your children! Congrats for taking the initial steps!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Dear Rach86,
Life will continue to be like it currently is , nothing is going to change until you decide life needs to be better.
I know that it will end up ruining me but I can't seem to stay away from him!
^^^^^^^ In all sincerity, I cannot take this bait^^^^^^^^^ (You state he is an on again off again BF)
Sorry sweets, your life choices belong to you. And I believe, you deserve better. And your children deserve better. Seriously, you are playing with fire here.
Best I can offer, leave him to his own devices. You have an amazing opportunity, to live a life free of addiction not to mention, you have an opportuntity to be with someone who does NOT cause harm to others, ever.
Life will continue to be like it currently is , nothing is going to change until you decide life needs to be better.
I know that it will end up ruining me but I can't seem to stay away from him!
^^^^^^^ In all sincerity, I cannot take this bait^^^^^^^^^ (You state he is an on again off again BF)
Sorry sweets, your life choices belong to you. And I believe, you deserve better. And your children deserve better. Seriously, you are playing with fire here.
Best I can offer, leave him to his own devices. You have an amazing opportunity, to live a life free of addiction not to mention, you have an opportuntity to be with someone who does NOT cause harm to others, ever.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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I say on/off but in that 4 years I have always hoped we would go somewhere and end up good and together and happy, he has cheated on me several times which has caused me towns things but he'll keep getting in touch with me untill I end up seeing him again then we are back how we always are after maybe a week or 2! We have tried him living with me also, so i don't see him as just my on/off boyfriend I see him as the person that I want to be better so we can stay together and have a good relationship and show my children how life is supposed to be, I am going to go to these meetings and see if they help me big what if I leave him and completely cut him off and he really does love me? I feel awful thinking that I'll be leaving him when he could need me the most?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
He'll be fine--trust me.
I think you need to worry about what's best for you and your kids
at the moment.
He crashed your car, has financially drained you, and I assume
that puts you and your family in a bad place. He cheats on you.
You've also said your daughter has seen and tried to stop him yelling at you.
That kind of modeling isn't what you want her to think is "normal" for
how men treat women do you?
You can't make him "better" as the four years of trying has showed you.
Only he can do that, and it will not happen as long as you accept his bad
actions and give him a soft place to land.
Glad you are here and I also congratulate you on finding a meeting.
Lexie's suggestion about talking to someone from the DV shelter
would also be helpful so you will know more about what you
are truly dealing with--it's free and confidential.
Don't you think that your kids deserve a happy, financially secure home to grow up in?
It really doesn't sound like this man is able to provide that right now.
Wishing you strength and peace Rach
I think you need to worry about what's best for you and your kids
at the moment.
He crashed your car, has financially drained you, and I assume
that puts you and your family in a bad place. He cheats on you.
You've also said your daughter has seen and tried to stop him yelling at you.
That kind of modeling isn't what you want her to think is "normal" for
how men treat women do you?
You can't make him "better" as the four years of trying has showed you.
Only he can do that, and it will not happen as long as you accept his bad
actions and give him a soft place to land.
Glad you are here and I also congratulate you on finding a meeting.
Lexie's suggestion about talking to someone from the DV shelter
would also be helpful so you will know more about what you
are truly dealing with--it's free and confidential.
Don't you think that your kids deserve a happy, financially secure home to grow up in?
It really doesn't sound like this man is able to provide that right now.
Wishing you strength and peace Rach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 10
Yes! They do deserve that and so much more, I am hoping to start college soon and finally get into midwifery and give them the life that they deserve and for them to grow up happy and strong people. I have been told that his solicitor asked if he could get me to withdraw my statement about him driving and he said yes! So he went not guilty, which means that this will all be on going now untill the trial unless I do withdraw it but I think I should go ahead because he should accept his punishment for it? If I withdraw he will just think he is still controlling me won't he? But what if he's found not guilty even after that? Could this come back on me and I end up getting in trouble for it? I seriously wish I could just move far away sometimes, if it wasn't for the fact that the children are happy here
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