BananaTree

I wanted to ask you all about my plan. I am sick and tired of the lies and him saying he is going to try to stay sober and then as soon as I leave the house he runs to the store to get something to drink. I was angry last night and in my rant I told him he should find somewhere else to live. I don't think he heard me as I was pretty angry and said lots of stuff. I have calmed down today but don't feel any differently about what should happen. My plan is to talk to him tonight and tell him that if he has not started rehab or moved out by March 15th I will be moving out April 1st with the kids. Do you think this is a reasonable plan? Just looking for some advise...TIA

NYCDoglvr

It's a great plan for you in taking back your life since you've learned that talk doesn't make a difference. But do this for yourself, not as a way of trying to manipulating him. He'll probably promise to stop drinking but may turn to sneaking alcohol. Good luck!

Hawkeye13

Staying with him and trying to get him to stop hasn't worked
and is making you crazy.
So yes, I agree that him moving or you moving would be a logical step.
But like NYC says, be sure you're doing it for the right reasons
and don't threaten to do it unless you really mean it,
or you will lose ground, not gain it.

Do you think that your kids would be far better off without an alcoholic parent and
all the fighting, stress, and tension in the house his addiction is causing?
That's another good reason to act.
It's also not the kind of role model of a relationship that is healthy.

LexieCat

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? I'd suggest you do that before you make any pronouncements you might not be ready to follow through on just yet. Do you have a place to move? Do you have sufficient funds to support yourself? Do you know how much child support you might be entitled to? Will he fight for custody of the kids?

I totally understand the urge to DO something when you've reached your limit. And, in fact, it might be the right thing for you to do. But stuff like this (unless there is an issue of physical abuse or severe emotional abuse) is often best undertaken after careful planning.

BananaTree

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It is really nice to have support out there.

He is making me crazy! There is and never has been physical abuse and we actually don't yell and scream all that much. I tend to keep it all bottled up so the kids don't see it but they are getting to the age that they do anyway.

I got the name of a lawyer this afternoon from my BIL, I will call them tomorrow. I am the only one that is working right now so I am not sure what that would mean for me paying him support. The house is in both our names so I would hate to ruin my credit if I left and he would not keep up the mortgage, and if he goes I would eventually have to sell as it would be stretching my income. I don't want to have to rely on him for support at all. I would not fight him about seeing the kids, I would just make sure he does not have to drive them anywhere.

Ok so maybe I will wait until after I call the lawyer tomorrow to talk to him. I am also planning on moving to the spare room tonight...

BananaTree

He already does sneak alcohol so it would not be any different. I could not tell you the last time I actually saw him with a drink in his hand. No manipulation, if he does not get sober I'm out.

Mango blast

Hi BananaTree,

Have you been to any Al-anon meetings for some in-person support for yourself? It's a support group for us, whether we're with the alcoholic or not. It took me a long time to warm up to it. Now I look forward to meetings and am very grateful for the program. Good for you in looking for much more than what you have right now.

HHTexas

When you know, you know. Stick to your guns. Hugs♡♡

BananaTree

So I now have an appointment with a lawyer on the 10th of March, he is away next week apparently. I feel good that this is set up but wish it was sooner. AH also asked me to send him the link for the treatment center that is covered (good sign I guess) but I have not talked to him at all to see what his plan is. By the time I got home with the kids last night he was completely wasted, he tried to talk but I just said I would talk to him today and walked away. He is not up yet so we will see if he wants to talk today. I also know he has called some of his close cousins and talked to them, they family is full of alcoholics so most have dealt with it in the past. I am glad he is reaching out but I'm not sure if it's too late....for me that is.

I have been listening to a ton of podcasts over the past few days, I am struggling with the idea of Al-Anon as I do not believe in "god" or a higher power. I know there are secular groups but none close to me at all. I will keep reading and listening and may try a group here soon...

Thanks again for all your support, it is nice to have somewhere to put all this stuff out there. I have told no one in my life about most of what is going on with the exception of one friend and she is moving to a different continent in the next few months, arg! I have spend so many years protecting the family's "dirty little secret" that I am not sure where to start or what to say to my sisters or parents. His parents both know most of what is going on but they too are struggling with their own alcoholism.

firebolt

The Codependency no More podcast series is AMAZING. I also love the book Conquering Codependency and Shame. Super helpful.

Refiner

Just wanted to say hi and give you support... it sounds like you're at the end of your rope and I don't blame you. Btw... I'm sure he DID hear you.

JLOBYXMAS

I agree with Hawkeye don't say it unless you mean it. And we've all said things in the heat of the moment when we are angry, but be prepared to follow through.
I hope you get the answers you need from the lawyer, when i saw mine it scared the crap outta me, cause I was the sole breadwinner and would have to pay him alimony. Thankfully, I was able to get him to sign off on everything shortly after his first DUI, so I got out of the marriage relatively unscathed financially.

Mango blast

I understand. Many people feel the same way. You're not alone in that.
"God", of our understanding. Plenty of atheists and agnostics in my main Al-anon groups. One of my friends who is an atheist puts it as "Good Orderly Direction". She's been in Al-anon for more than 7 years, still an atheist, and very enthusiastic about the program and step work.

I've been working the steps and my sponsor has me working on Step 1 again. What is beyond my capability to control, fix or manage, which actually is quite a lot and has been a surprising relief. In that, I'm also finding much power of my own in many other ways.

In most Al-anon groups there is strict adherence to the 12 Traditions, placing principles above personalities. All groups are different, yet usually have the same basic structure. If you're up for checking it out, I've heard it suggested to try 6 meetings, and to try a variety of them.

Easy does it. You'll find your way, in your time.

Sounds like your husband is pretty deep in his disease, along with his family. It also sounds like you're reaching out in some really good ways.

Other people's reactions and suggestions are sometimes hard for me to deal with, as they often mean well but have no clue about the disease of Alcoholism. When my husband relapsed and was sobering up and returning to working AA, I stayed with my sponsor for many days and a friend of our family for two days. Those two days were harder, because our friend didn't understand at all. She thought maybe it'd be better for me to be at home supporting my husband. I let her know I'd tried that before, that he has my support, but I cannot help him with this! There are many people in AA who do understand and can help him, but it's not my place to do so. I'm too close to it and our children and I have been affected by Alcoholism, too, just in different ways.

((((hugs))))

BananaTree

We'll it's March 15th!! This was my action day...

Good news is that he started an outpatient program a week and a half ago and has seen his councilor twice with regular weekly meetings set up. He has been sober for two weeks. He left the house for the first time (other than rehab meetings) today and did not stop for booze on the way home. He has given me full access to his bank accounts cause he wants me to be able to see everything he does and has also given me all the car keys when I go out so I don't have to worry about whether he is going to go buy something or not. My anxiety is still high but I am willing to give him my support this one more time. I kept the meeting with the lawyer so I now have all the information I need if he screwes this chance up! He is planing on going out east to fish for 6 weeks, this worries me on many levels but will also be a nice break. Not to mention him making money will be nice! He has talked to his real-job boss and was told he could come back anytime he is ready!

He handed me a flyer for a family group in the same place he is doing rehab so I will try to get to that this month, it's not at super convenient times but I will try!
His mom met us at our sons play on the weekend and was wasted, so sad that she is struggling too, but I think it made hubby think a little more about what he is doing. His dad was there too and looked exhausted, I know how he feels! I told hubby that the difference is I won't be still around in my 70's if he is still on and off the wagon like his dad has done. He gets that now I think.

Well as they say, one day at a time! Thanks for listening as always!!

hopeful4

Just to cover your bases, you may want to draw up a contract that states if this happens then you agree to move out, etc. It won't mean anything legally, but if you ever needed it to establish with the courts this ongoing problem it may help you establish a time line.

Hugs to you. I hope he continues to take his recovery seriously.

dandylion

banana Tree.....I am so glad to hear your good news......
I, also, hope that he continues to give sobriety top priority.....
There ARE alcoholics who do get into genuine recovery.......!
I have known them......

dandylion