Brand new and need help letting go of the past!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
Brand new and need help letting go of the past!!
Hello everyone!!
I just found this website the other day, and I'm glad I did!!
I wanted to post about my experience in living without using, but mostly to deal with 'letting go of past experiences which haunt me.'
My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but what she did while 'using', is something which haunts me to this day and I need help with this.
I am 35, and she is 36. We are both alcoholic. When we first started dating seriously (I was moving in with her at the end of the month), her and I went with a 60 year old couple to a hotel for the night. All 4 engaged in drinking, but my girlfriend and I had the least amount (2-3 drinks), and from what I could gather we were both buzzed but DEFINITELY not drunk.
What happened was so devastating to me, it is hard to write about. The 60 year old man and her started touching and rubbing each other, all the time my gf said, "Stop, I have a boyfriend." (but she was reciprocating by rubbing his arms. The 60 year old woman freaked out, as well did I, and we both went back to the apartment complex we both lived in and left the two of them to do 'whatever.'
Well, whatever included him having hard oral sex with her (I know graphic, but there is a point to this), this happened once at night and once in the morning (according to her), but the reason I mention the sex act is that she has since never done this for me (not that it does anything for me, but the point is she satisfied him and not me from what I want in a relationship.)
This caused me SEVERE insecurity about myself on a physical, mental and emotional level that I attempted suicide the next day because she was the only one in my life at that point.
I went to a psychologist and he tells me that from this experience I developed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), as I keep having flashbacks of her using her and 'leaving a deposit', so to speak....
A month later I became quite drunk one night and assaulted her (punched her), during a blackout I had while both of us were drinking and arguing over the '60 year old man thing.' I called her a *****, she slapped me across the face and then I punched her in retaliation for it. The only thing I could guess about why I hit someone for the first time in my life, is because I felt my manhood was threatened?!?! I have no idea why I did this.....
I am trying to make this relationship work as we now have a son together, but Jesus Christ I get flashbacks all the time where I need to be left alone. She tells me all the time I should be over the cheating because it happened during the beginning of the relationship....
Please, anyone, if they can relate to what I am saying if you could share HOW they moved past infidelity of this magnitude, whether we stay together or not. I cannot keep having these mental images of 'that sexual night with the girl I love and a 60 year old man having his way with her.'
Again, this hurt to write but I am lost....
Thank you for reading,
-Maguire
I just found this website the other day, and I'm glad I did!!
I wanted to post about my experience in living without using, but mostly to deal with 'letting go of past experiences which haunt me.'
My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, but what she did while 'using', is something which haunts me to this day and I need help with this.
I am 35, and she is 36. We are both alcoholic. When we first started dating seriously (I was moving in with her at the end of the month), her and I went with a 60 year old couple to a hotel for the night. All 4 engaged in drinking, but my girlfriend and I had the least amount (2-3 drinks), and from what I could gather we were both buzzed but DEFINITELY not drunk.
What happened was so devastating to me, it is hard to write about. The 60 year old man and her started touching and rubbing each other, all the time my gf said, "Stop, I have a boyfriend." (but she was reciprocating by rubbing his arms. The 60 year old woman freaked out, as well did I, and we both went back to the apartment complex we both lived in and left the two of them to do 'whatever.'
Well, whatever included him having hard oral sex with her (I know graphic, but there is a point to this), this happened once at night and once in the morning (according to her), but the reason I mention the sex act is that she has since never done this for me (not that it does anything for me, but the point is she satisfied him and not me from what I want in a relationship.)
This caused me SEVERE insecurity about myself on a physical, mental and emotional level that I attempted suicide the next day because she was the only one in my life at that point.
I went to a psychologist and he tells me that from this experience I developed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), as I keep having flashbacks of her using her and 'leaving a deposit', so to speak....
A month later I became quite drunk one night and assaulted her (punched her), during a blackout I had while both of us were drinking and arguing over the '60 year old man thing.' I called her a *****, she slapped me across the face and then I punched her in retaliation for it. The only thing I could guess about why I hit someone for the first time in my life, is because I felt my manhood was threatened?!?! I have no idea why I did this.....
I am trying to make this relationship work as we now have a son together, but Jesus Christ I get flashbacks all the time where I need to be left alone. She tells me all the time I should be over the cheating because it happened during the beginning of the relationship....
Please, anyone, if they can relate to what I am saying if you could share HOW they moved past infidelity of this magnitude, whether we stay together or not. I cannot keep having these mental images of 'that sexual night with the girl I love and a 60 year old man having his way with her.'
Again, this hurt to write but I am lost....
Thank you for reading,
-Maguire
Last edited by Dee74; 02-22-2016 at 03:38 PM. Reason: rule 9 - see PM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
Thanks for all your replies guys!!
Maybe I should fill in some of the gaps which I failed to mention:
1. I have been sober since August 21st, 2013.
2. My gf and I went to relationship counseling for months while we were both sober (other aspects of the relationship got a lot better, but just can't seem to get rid of this one resentment)
Thanks!
Maybe I should fill in some of the gaps which I failed to mention:
1. I have been sober since August 21st, 2013.
2. My gf and I went to relationship counseling for months while we were both sober (other aspects of the relationship got a lot better, but just can't seem to get rid of this one resentment)
Thanks!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Um...I want to help but I'm a bit flummoxed. So...if she did that one thing for you that she did for him that would make it...okay? better? If so, why?
Does she have a history of being sexually abused as a child? Do you? I'm trying to understand why she would be so passive during this incident. Was there some understanding among the four of you that well, swapping, I guess, was a possibility? Why did you and his wife "leave them to do whatever," especially since you supposedly weren't that drunk? If the guy had been 30 instead of 60, does that make it "better" or worse?
Neither one of you can turn back time. The you can't stop obsessing about it after three years and having a child together indicates that it's bigger than the initial betrayal. Do you have trouble trusting her because this happened?
A professional is your best hope of really getting to the depths of this and why it's torturing you?
Does she have a history of being sexually abused as a child? Do you? I'm trying to understand why she would be so passive during this incident. Was there some understanding among the four of you that well, swapping, I guess, was a possibility? Why did you and his wife "leave them to do whatever," especially since you supposedly weren't that drunk? If the guy had been 30 instead of 60, does that make it "better" or worse?
Neither one of you can turn back time. The you can't stop obsessing about it after three years and having a child together indicates that it's bigger than the initial betrayal. Do you have trouble trusting her because this happened?
A professional is your best hope of really getting to the depths of this and why it's torturing you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Um...I want to help but I'm a bit flummoxed. So...if she did that one thing for you that she did for him that would make it...okay? better? If so, why?
Does she have a history of being sexually abused as a child? Do you? I'm trying to understand why she would be so passive during this incident. Was there some understanding among the four of you that well, swapping, I guess, was a possibility? Why did you and his wife "leave them to do whatever," especially since you supposedly weren't that drunk? If the guy had been 30 instead of 60, does that make it "better" or worse?
Neither one of you can turn back time. The you can't stop obsessing about it after three years and having a child together indicates that it's bigger than the initial betrayal. Do you have trouble trusting her because this happened?
A professional is your best hope of really getting to the depths of this and why it's torturing you?
Does she have a history of being sexually abused as a child? Do you? I'm trying to understand why she would be so passive during this incident. Was there some understanding among the four of you that well, swapping, I guess, was a possibility? Why did you and his wife "leave them to do whatever," especially since you supposedly weren't that drunk? If the guy had been 30 instead of 60, does that make it "better" or worse?
Neither one of you can turn back time. The you can't stop obsessing about it after three years and having a child together indicates that it's bigger than the initial betrayal. Do you have trouble trusting her because this happened?
A professional is your best hope of really getting to the depths of this and why it's torturing you?
1. No I don't need her to do the sexual thing with me for me to move on... it's just, I hate that she would just do that for a complete stranger but not want to satisfy me and my needs... makes me feel devalued and unappreciated in the relationship.
2. Neither her nor I were sexually abused when we were young. However, she was raped twice when she was in her 20's...
3. There was ZERO possibility or the talking about swapping partners.... I have always been passive with things like this in life where I just leave, feeling like she chose to be with him and not me. Also, I had never been violent or hit anyone in my life at that point... well, until a month later that was the case....
4. It does make it worse that he was older and less physically attractive than me. It makes me question myself and what I bring to the table. In other words, it just puzzles the hell out of me. When I am drunk, by default, I will flirt with the hottest girl in the room (when single of course.) I guess this difference is what has got me obsessing and replaying the incident over in my head as to WHY it happened in the first place.
5. The fact of the matter is, I do have an impossible time trusting her after this happened. What I also failed to mention is that two months later she cheated on me again with a former student of hers (She used to be a high school teacher), she again was in her 30's he was early 20's... So she cheated on me twice very early in the relationship, and then nothing after that (which again I'm not 100% b/c of my trust issues and catching her in lies.) But in all honesty, she has done everything she can to make up for these actions and has been a faithful girlfriend since.
Again, I don't even know if it is worth saving (the relationship I mean), I just need to know that when I make the decision I make, I will have exhausted all avenues of support and direction, so that I will be able to live with my decision...
I hope this all made sense... Thanks!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Why does SHE say she cheated with the older guy?
The second cheating incident seems to be easier for you to process, because you understand it better? But it was a second incident shortly after the first...I am beginning to get why you might still have a trust issue. I know I would, but some people handle this kind of thing differently.
No one should be in a relationship that's tearing them up inside, but you do have a child to consider. If it were me, I would go back to that psychologist or find another therapist to help sort this out.
I'm sorry you're going through this...three years is a long time to hurt.
The second cheating incident seems to be easier for you to process, because you understand it better? But it was a second incident shortly after the first...I am beginning to get why you might still have a trust issue. I know I would, but some people handle this kind of thing differently.
No one should be in a relationship that's tearing them up inside, but you do have a child to consider. If it were me, I would go back to that psychologist or find another therapist to help sort this out.
I'm sorry you're going through this...three years is a long time to hurt.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am shocked you continued the relationship after the hotel incident. You were actually on a date with her that night?? I would have ended the relationship that night and never spoken to her again. Dump her and find yourself woman with a little class.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
Hi Anna,
Physical abuse is not something I agree with, nor do I promote what I did. It hasn't happened before or since. I've received counseling for over a year, that's not what this post is about.... It is about moving forward and knowing how to trust again, right?
I do apologize for the detail in this, as I thought it might help paint a better picture of what my feelings are at this very moment. But obviously I overstepped and I am sorry.
Thank you.
Physical abuse is not something I agree with, nor do I promote what I did. It hasn't happened before or since. I've received counseling for over a year, that's not what this post is about.... It is about moving forward and knowing how to trust again, right?
I do apologize for the detail in this, as I thought it might help paint a better picture of what my feelings are at this very moment. But obviously I overstepped and I am sorry.
Thank you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
