Pressmetilihurt

I know this is a recurring thing with me. This idea that I don't belong here or anywhere. I went to an outpatient program at my healthcare providers to quit drinking. Quit everything. I'm 25 days in and I feel like a sham. I'm not a bottle of gin drinker like you guys. I was drinking every day but not much. On the weekends I was catching a buzz and passing out. With or without puking. I kept trying trying to make rules like not driving drunk or getting drunk but I kept over-ruling them after I started drinking. I also became obsessed with it. How am I gonna get it? When am I gonna drink? Do I have to hide it or sneak around? I'm a top notch sneak. I know the inky requirement is a desire to stop drinking but what if I get asked to share. Ironically, when I was younger I clearly had a problem and I had physical consequences. I got sober for 5 years and learned how to care about myself and other people. I started drinking again because...dry drunk I guess. No program. No fellowship. Now, my problems seem more spiritually based. I want to connect with God. I really believed God sent me to the program. I surrendered and followed His direction. Now I'm not so sure.

StayStrong33

Congrats on 25 days! My alcohol problem was absolutely connected to a spiritual malady. Drinking gave me this warm blanket to curl up in when the world seemed to be too much. I often questioned why I was even alive. Without alcohol, I didnt feel safe. I encourage you to go deeper in your relationship with God. For me that is daily prayer, reading in spiritual literature, applying what I've learned to my life and helping others. It takes time and I don't think we ever stop growing spiritually.

Someone said something that really stuck with me. He said just like my alcoholism, I often find myself wanting a constant spiritual buzz. The high I got the first day I woke up at peace with myself - I wanted it again and every single day. Just like I wanted alcohol. But reality is that even feeling connected to God ebbs and flows. It is by building on our faith that we begin to feel and know we are complete from the inside out. Once we tap into that part of ourselves, the sense of belonging is there waiting patiently for us. Keep going Press

PaulDaveSmithJo

If I understand your post correctly, I'd say that this:

. . . goes far in addressing this:

Dee74

I'm sorry this is still bothering you Press.

Alcoholism is not a volume based condition - although, yeah, I know people often speak about it in those terms.

My alcoholism was about how it made me feel, it was about how it changed me for the worse and how it obsessed me - it was all those things, far more than it was about how much I drank.

I drank more than some and less than others. I'm still an alcoholic, Press

D

Pressmetilihurt

Lol. Yes! I want a daily spiritual buzz! When I first read that I thought, he gets it exactly. Then the post went on to say it ebbs and flows. Cause..its real I guess.

Yeah, I still try to talk myself out of everything. I asked someone to sponsor me. They said, yes, but I didn't call them. I was afraid of getting too involved. I'm afraid of not getting it. We'll go thru the big book and I'll pretend that I get the steps and when it's done I'll be the same. i hope I get over this feeling of not belonging. If anyone can suggest a daily regimen

Coldfusion

I found the Steps to be very simple to understand, although it is not easy to fully incorporate them into my life. But as I said, the Steps themselves are very simple.

One of the Steps involves making amends to people that have been harmed by our addiction. So even if you feel that you are the same person when you have completed the Steps, others may have been changed by your amends.

I would suggest going to as many meetings as possible. Call that person who volunteered to sponsor you to help you start working the Steps. This has worked for many, and it can work for you too.

Soberwolf

What D said

Hawkeye13

I wasn't "a bottle of gin drinker" either Pressme
and quite frankly that's a rather rude assumption and generalization.
Alcoholics aren't all sleeping under bridges you know.
I wasn't drinking every day--so does that make you more of an alcoholic than me?
I don't think so.
Quit trying to displace your issues on our addiction

You really seem reluctant to accept you cannot moderate
and never will be able to.
Your past data proves that.
The quicker you move to accept what is true for you the easier
it will be.
I get that it is very hard and depressing to realize you can't drink safely,
but all the rationalizations your AV keeps coming up with must be
wearing you out.
A spiritual connection did help me quite a bit, you're right there.
But mine is through mediation / yoga and not religious-based.

I truly hope you find some peace with sobriety, but the way to that
is through honesty with yourself, and looking inward instead at other drinkers.

Tang

I think you'll find a large spectrum of alcohol volume consumption from alcoholics (problem drinkers or pick a label). I felt like I didn't belong when I read a story worse than mine. My armchair analysis is that we are all chemically/genetically different so it is next to impossible to compare like for like alcohol consumption. If you are here I'm guessing it's not because you had one bad night but feel there is an ongoing pattern of consumption that doesn't sit well with you. That should be enough reason right there.

ICanDoBetter

I am currently thirteen days sober. I struggled with labeling myself as an alcoholic for a long time because I only drank at home, didn't vomit (often), etc etc ... The list goes on. But the reality is that I was at the point for a long time that I wasn't in control of whether or not I drank..: if there were less than six beers at home or not enough liquor in the cabinet I felt I HAD to buy more to have on hand... Regardless of the volume I was going to consume.


I am not an expert by any means, but what I can say is that your thoughts mimic mine in recent years very much so... And they sound like what I now realize we're my rationalization stop not quit. I have accepted that I am an alcoholic, even if moderately consuming and highly functioning ... And I don't want to allow alcohol to dictate my life anymore. Ultimately you have to decide what it is that you want for you ... And then set a plan in motion to achieve that.

Nonsensical

Well, if that's all, then you don't really have a problem...

SAID NO ONE EVER!

sugarbear1

Can you live without drinking at some point?

ICanDoBetter

One other thing I forgot to add. From some folks responses I sense you've visited here before, perhaps half-heartedly. I did that last year briefly... And when folks started responding in a supportive way but forcing me to attempt to acknowledge that I needed to stop altogether, I wasn't willing to hear it and I simply quit coming here. I foolishly convinced myself that others just didn't get it, they don't know me, I didn't drink that much, I didn't have as severe a problem as others. What I have now accepted is that you either are or are not an alcoholic. Period. And it's not up to someone else to determine that - you must accept if you are and only then will things change in the direction that you would like.

Pressmetilihurt

Well, I'm not positive I'm an alcoholic but I certainly appear to have alcoholism. Haven't called that sponsor yet but I have been going to meetings. I still compare a lot. Someone always says something I can identify with, though. I just had a thought that maybe I am actually truly allergic to alcohol which is why I puke all the time. Hmmm. This morning I said the serenity prayer and listed my gratitudes. A beginning.

Pressmetilihurt

lol!!!!

Pressmetilihurt

"I don't want alcohol to dictate my life.." - that's IT! That's me. The part of my brain that was constantly working on hiding and lying about my drinking has been freed up. I feel..lighter. I like not having to worry about when, where and how much I am gonna drink.

Steely

What D said too. It was not the quantity it was what it did to me mentally, spiritually and emotionally whatever the amount.

melki

That was the biggest relief that came with getting sober for me too.

Maybe it's okay not to feel like you completely belong...?

Vandermast

sounds like youre in the right place to me bro

people whi don't have a problem with drinking don't have a problem with drinking.

van

Vandermast

people who don't have a problem with drinking don't have a problem with drinking.

you are doing the right thing

van