Paix Amour

Hi

Im curious as to why some people (most people in my case) just refuse to get it.

Ive told everybody that I am now a non drinker, and whilst I adjust to that, please don't bring around alcohol or invite me over/out for drinks.

A good friend rings from her handsfree to say she is coming down the road now, is only minutes away, with a bottle of wine because she wants to chat about her new fella.

I said "Please leave the wine in your car, I told you that Im a non drinker now and that I need/want NO alcohol around me at all for a while"

She arrives on my doorstep with the wine saying "Well, you might be laying off the wine for a while but you cant stop me drinking"

Sigh sigh sigh

Shall I continue.......?

venuscat

I think it is awesome that you are asserting yourself love, and letting the people around you know that drinking is off the table.
But it takes a while for it to sink in with others sometimes....after all, they may not know that their drinking is any kind of issue or trigger for you.

I would keep doing what you're doing....let your friends and others know that your home is a no-alcohol zone, and that sure, you will go for a coffee, but not a drink.

Paix Amour

I reply "I told you to leave it in the car. I don't want any alcohol in my house regardless of who will or wont be drinking it. AND Im not having a wee break from drinking. I am a non drinker now."

She replied "WHAT bought all this on?! Its not as though youre an alkie or anything. You like a drink that's for sure, but you don't drink THAT much."

So now she is trying to engage me into conversations where I have to justify the reason for my decisions when I don't want to because she is would tell all and sundry.

What she SAW me drinking was only a quarter of what I really drunk. But I don't want to tell her that.

Anyway, she got all snippy and said "Well, obviously you don't want my company, nor want to hear about X (her new fella), so I'll be off"

I said "Calm down, just put it in the car and came back up for a cuppa and a chat"

She said "No, just forget it"

And off she went.

By the way, she was my biggest drinking buddy, but doesn't have a problem as far as I know (she might do though, she could be drinking more than she reveals like I did). So yeah, she needs to adjust too.

least

No, many people just don't 'get it'. Continue with your sobriety and maybe they'll see you're serious and will stop asking you to drink with them.

venuscat

You don't have to have that conversation. Not now. And not until you are ready.
It's not always easy for others to understand our journey, and it's not our responsibility to make them understand. You are doing what's right for you now Cococo.

Which is pretty much what least just said.

venuscat

Just read your edit...it's often not an easy conversation with drinking buddies.
I really hope this isn't too upsetting for you.
You are doing so well!

Paix Amour

Sorry, Im a bit annoyed right now at her reaction.

I wasn't tempted when I saw the wine. I saw it for what it really is......a poison.....I didn't give it a second thought/look. So that's the main thing. Sorry to be selfish............but I don't give a toss how she feels about my non drinking or how she feels rejected now..........I have a massive headache and Im sweating bullets. I almost want to lock myself up for a week in my room, all phones off, and sign on the door "Please do not disturb, somebody very ill inside resting"

My ex husband agreed to have our son for a week from Saturday just gone. I didn't go into detail with him either. I just said "Im very ill at the moment with a personal matter". He agreed without asking, so that's great.

venuscat

You are looking out for you, and that is really good.

I am sorry this has upset you though.
Stay strong. You can get through this today.

Paix Amour

Thanks again for understanding and for your support.

Im ok Venus, just a bit annoyed and upset, but that's probably pronounced by not drinking. Ive been tearful all day.

Ive just got to concentrate on ME for the next 5 days, to get over the absolute worst of my physical withdrawl symptoms. Yeah, and that's good thing because I don't want to end up needing a liver transplant or worse.

I got my liver profile back today and my liver is under stress, my liver enzymes are highly elevated. Fatty liver disease it said, how far gone it is I don't know. I would be surprised if its chirrosis because I don't think Ive been a heavy drinking alcoholic, more light-moderate alcoholic I think. Not that Im trying to justify anything (AV - Youre not that bad so keep on drinking its ok).

So this is a matter of survival now.

I cannot drink ever again!

venuscat

(((Cococo))) ♥

Of course you are emotional right now, and liver issues can be scary, I know.
The good thing is we can get healthy again without the alcohol.
This is a lot to deal with in the first few days sober. You're doing great.
Some time to nurture I think...soup or tea, and maybe a nice comedy show or a movie. And then a lovely warm shower and bed.

That's what I'm going to do, anyway.

Paix Amour

Thanks for the massive hug. One right back at you.

I am a bit scared re: blood test results.

Its almost 10pm here, had dinner at 8pm, will flag a hot shower because Im boiling up as it is, will have a cool shower in the morning, Ive just got into bed with a large glass of lemon water because I realised Ive only been number ones once today - dehydrated, and Im about to watch a movie, then lights out

Enjoy you lovely relaxing night - sounds bliss

venuscat

Yes love, lots of water please. I guess it must be hot where you are in NZ today.
Crazy weather in Melbourne, not that I'm complaining. Lovely cool summer.

Enjoy your movie and I hope you sleep well. Huge hugs. ♥

Dee74

I'm not trying to dismiss your annoyance - it is annoying.

but..a lot of people knew me as a prodigious drinker...and the people I hung with were also mostly prodigious drinkers themselves.

I'd also said I was quitting many times before.

It took a little time for people to realise that this time I was serious.

My family still ask me if I want a drink. It's been the best part of a decade now...

D

Paix Amour

Venus - yes mum haha, I had 2 large glasses of water, feeling better

Dee - youre right, I understand what youre saying, its like the boy who called wolf, nobody cant trust what I say because they've heard it all before, but they will when they see my effort and no longer see me drunk for a while, then they will realise I mean it this time

Soberwolf

Hi CoCoCo maybe explaining to your friend when thier sober to not do that again to underline the boundaries of the friendship if you choose to continue it x

I'm sorry this upset you it would upset me too esp if they knew I was in sobriety I guess there is just some ppl who won't take no for an answer I have a friend I see every now & when I'm out shopping etc & he always invites me out for a drink I've told him every time I've saw him he then remembers & apoligises

Glad your here with us CoCoCo

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug...and a round of applause for standing up for yourself! I would not have done that well. I would have sat there seething, hating the wine breath, and being passive aggressive while hanging on for dear life to my tea.

Good for you!

ICanDoBetter

I applaud you for standing up for yourself and standing firm.

SoberinSyracuse

She's got a problem, all right. "Normies" don't act like that. "Normies" don't care whether you drink or not, and they're fine delaying a drink 'til later or skipping it altogether.

That's a straight-up boozer, mark my words.

Berrybean

Yes - I has the same issue with my best drinking buddy (who was also my gym buddy and fellow teacher to boot). I remember hearing someone say 'drinkers are like crabs - if one starts to climb out of the bucket, the others claw it back in' and felt that was very true.

Said 'friend' tried to actively sabotage my attempts to not drink (so she now tells me) for the first 6 months - so be aware. I was very angry and was really pleased that I had this forum and the fellowship of others who'd walked this path before me in AA.

That friend is still a friend, but one I see a couple of times a month rather than every day now. Last time I saw her it was actually on pancake day when she came over for pancakes, hot chocolate, and to tell me about... lol - her new falla. She still doesn't 'get' it - but it's not because she's refusing to get it. It's because she can't get it. Neither can my partner get it. (They're both very heavy (problem) drinkers, but with no desire to stop). But over time they've seen that I'm calmer, and happier, and coping with life better since I stopped drinking, so now they leave me to it and respect my boundaries.

She's right - you can't stop her drinking if that's what she wants to do, but you can stop her drinking around you. Even if she'd pushed her way in, you could have evacuated the premises and told her to let you know when she'd finished the wine (all with a smile and hug, because she's your friend and it isn't an argument, it's just a setting of boundaries.)

Well done for being firm. You may need to do this a lot at the start. Keep on it, keeping your side of the street clean, and avoiding slippery people, places and situations.

MikeM

She does have a problem. At least two actually. One is being a poor friend.

The second is, she's an addict. Clear and simple. She's hooked on drinking with you and you turning it down made her angry. Classic addict behavior and responses.

Good thing you refused. Never give in. If she keeps trying, give her an ultimatum. Stop it or... no more friendship.

Btw, some addicts want other people to use whatever substance it is they use, so they can share how wonderful it feels. She seems like one of those.

It's hard to assess your friends objectively. Which is why we are here.

Before you go into "defending-her-mode" (not saying you would, but just in case), take a step back, look at her objectively and come to your conclusions. Even if they sting.