CloudsAndRain

I dated a man briefly (knew him about 13 almost 14 mos now) who I was very into physically and emotionally and then a few months in, he eventually friendzoned me. Stopped being physical and everything after I had gotten sick and he had relapsed. I hated not being good enough to be more than his friend this whole time, but I assumed a lot of his issues and push-pull behavior since the first month we met and temper issues at the time, was because he was in sobriety and battling that so I backed off and took it for what it was and still enjoyed many months of being his best friend and doing everything together and spending nearly every day together, emailing, texting talking every day nearly. I figured he was trying to focus on himself and he seemed like he wasn't interested in finding a relationship w anyone. A few months after we met, he relapsed for a few weeks. He gained sobriety again and that lasted for nearly 5 mos and hes been in relapse ever since now. He doesn't drink daily that I know if but goes on benders often to the point where he will pass out 3 hrs and then wake up and vomit. can't even take him anywhere anymore like we used to go because he's always drunk when I see him. Whenever he was stressed or on a bender he would call me and need me panicking or need me to be there w him. I'd take care if him, make sure he didn't throw up in his sleep when he passed out, all while being the friend. I did everything for this man. Meanwhile, he still has no job and I know he's depressed. I feel this man has nothing to give anyone in a relationship so even though I knew I loved him, I sat by as a friend and still continued to be there for him through his struggles. I wanted to make sure he was ok, didn't vomit in his sleep, try to drive drunk, etc. He always needed me. Until recently.. he met an old friend from childhood online and she currently lives long distance. They been talking and she came into visit for a few days recently. He now tells me with much shock to myself, that she's his girlfriend or at least thinks she is. And why not date her they knew each other since they were young. I was upset because obviously I loved him and treated him so well. I asked what she had that I don't he said about the woman,"We get along." I thought me and him got along he would have me over constantly, do everything together, spend a whole day like 8-10 hrs together. I would assume you like someone enough and get along to spend that amount of time together. We seemed to always get along and never fought, only time I yelled at him was when he did something to upset me. He would get sensitive and call me passive-aggressive. Oddly he hasn't behaved like this and got a temper toward me in a long while. Is it because hes drinking again? Anyway, It killed me to have him tell me that I felt a connection but he did not and he tried things w me a year ago and hes so into this woman now. He's getting along so well w her but w me right from the get-go it was always moody and push me away pull me back. I feel like I wasn't good enough. I am a lot younger than him (in my thirties) and i was able to deal w his issues and stress a lot easier I feel because at my age I have more patience, but even that has been wearing thin .. I am pretty, have a good personality, funny, bought him whatever he wanted, took him wherever he wanted, ran to him at every beck and call when he was freaking. Stood by his side during the whole entire year he was alone and at rock bottom and had no one to turn to and took care of him and been a best friend to him. I don't get what his deal is. But besides the fact of my feelings, I looked him in the eye and said you shouldn't even BE THINKING of a relationship right now! you're a mess! (he was blasted drunk worse than before during this whole convo)He's not together AT ALL! He doesn't even love himself and told me drunk once his alcoholism has ruined previous relationships. Do you guys see a woman his age nearly 50 yrs old like him, divorced w a child, being able to deal w this behavior? I am sure it's all smoke and mirrors now as she probably remembers him as a child and when shes talked to him, or visited he probably didn't get drunk around her on those days. She lives way in another state. It hurts, I feel like I lost him as my best friend. Hes been distant w me and I cannot be around him while hes dating another. I've told him that. It hurts too much. I wasn't ready for the day.

I know what ya'll will say I should have walked away long ago and he only used me, etc. I know that already and i was dumb, so that's not what I'm asking. Its's hard when you love someone and he WAS truly a best friend to me and I didn't want to lose that either, so I stuck around and wasn't ready for the day he'd move on. He seemed to unhealthy to date someone since he is such a mess himself. What I want to know to make my broken heart feel better is if any of you veterans who have dealt with this, see this or any other relationship working out w this man any time soon? Say he actually truly did have feelings w me and we dated, would I be missing anything or would it be the same of what I'm dealing w now as the best friend? Because his alcoholism and terrors have been exhausting and draining on me. Even though he sees this person or anyone else besides me as a partner, would they still have to deal w the same exhausting behavior? Would he treat them nicer as a partner? It seems hes not determined to stop drinking anytime soon. Basically what I am wondering is if a relationship and love change things w the alcoholics behavior toward his lover? Or is he going to be the same jobless, exhausting, binge drinking passing out, puking, moody, man, he was around me as a best friend to this woman or other women he wants to date? Just want to see if I'd be missing anything in the long run by him rejecting me or feel relieved it's another woman's problem because she will see the same guy I been seeing. Thanks guys

redatlanta

Do you guys see a woman his age nearly 50 yrs old like him, divorced w a child, being able to deal w this behavior?

Its always interesting to see a comment like this.....YOU deal with him, so why would you think anyone else wouldn't? Its quite the conundrum to try and trick your mind that someone's unacceptable behavior will foil a relationship with someone else when it hasn't with YOU. If she is a codependent enabler like you are then I would imagine the relationship will go just like yours is.

To answer your question, there is no "magic Pill" person that exists to cure someone's behavior or alcoholism. Love has never produced sobriety. Yes, he will be the same jobless, exhausting, binge drinking alcoholic, He might straiten things out temporarily just like he did to hook you, but it won't last.

Just want to see if I'd be missing anything in the long run by him rejecting me


Yes! You will miss plenty thank God. You will miss out on cleaning up vomit, being emotionally drained, being financially drained, staying up all night to make sure he doesn't vomit in his sleep, and all the other fun things of being involved with an A. You might be young now, but nothing destroys ones looks quite like not sleeping, being worried all the time, and being emotionally abused.

I looked him in the eye and said you shouldn't even BE THINKING of a relationship right now! you're a mess!


Lets be clear, its not that you don't want him to have a relationship its just that if he does you want it to be with you. He is a 50 year old man, drunk or not the decision to have a relationship is his own, and not yours to make.

You would really benefit from AL Anon and working the step program. This relationship is the very definition of codependency and enabling. You are your own mess to clean up. There is nothing for you here that is beneficial to you in anyway. Tie yourself to this for much longer and before you know its you who will be 50 having spent your youth trying to save an alcoholic who has sunk his fangs deeply into you.

You deserve better, much better than this for your life.

Liveitwell

What Red said. Yep. You do have your own issues to clean up-we as codependents and enablers most def do. Hugs and peace to you.

LexieCat

He wants an enabler, that's all. I noticed you seem to take a lot of pride in what you were able to "do for him"--which you think this new woman won't be up to. I don't know that being capable of enduring high levels of disrespect is something to be proud of. I'm not putting you down in the least--we all did stuff like that--but it's important to start to see it for what it is. It's eating sh*t on a daily basis in exchange for occasional (and usually unpredictable and random) pleasant experiences.

If his "relationship" with this woman doesn't pan out (and I'd be surprised if it lasted very long once they are in proximity every day), he will more than likely come back wanting you to "be there for him" again. And red is right, you'll age (chronologically and otherwise) a lot faster than you think, if you take him back.

I STRONGLY second the suggestion that you get to Al-Anon and start thinking about why you are willing to settle for the crumbs you are getting from this "friendship."

CloudsAndRain

Thanks guys. I know I am in the wrong and should move on. Just trying to feel better by wondering if their relationship would actually work out. Lexicat, you're right I have a feeling they wont pan out if they got in close proximate and he will be back looking for someone to be around him. Again, it's all smoke and mirrors while they talk online or on the phone and she's a few states away. Right now, he probably is just excited someone wants him. That all will fade. And as for age, I'm young and dont have any children or anything to worry about so he was like a child in his own to deal w and my age and nothing going on made it easier to deal w and was still draining.

SparkleKitty

"Trying to feel better" by fixating on what he is doing and with who is like rubbing salt into a wound to distract yourself from the original pain with a worse one.

Just because something feels comfortable doesn't mean it is helping you move forward. The only thing that will truly make feel better (and stronger) in the long run is letting go of him and putting your whole focus back on you.

CloudsAndRain

And redatlanta, thanks! As for the he shouldn't get into a relationship. I told him that because of what I see with him every day. He is only going to end up hurting someone like me or hurting himself more and wanting to drink more. I am scared for him.

CloudsAndRain

Sparklekitty thanks, and I am. Just wanted to see if anyone on here thinks he is still going to be the same person with someone he actually "get's along with" so he says or will be the same as he was around me.

honeypig

Hi, Clouds--I think my answer to this would be "who cares?" He treated YOU badly. YOU are YOU, not somebody else, so what difference would it make even if he was different w/somebody else? What would you do, try to twist yourself into a different person so he would like you? It's been my experience that this never works out in the long run--you're still eventually left alone, but really alone, b/c you don't even have your own self for company...

I hope you can take some time to read around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. It all takes a while to sink in and make sense, so please, post as often as you like and keep on reading! Alanon is not a bad idea, either, for some face-to-face support.

SparkleKitty

He is going to be the same person because he IS the same person, no matter who he is with.

LexieCat

One note on this. SOMETIMES an alcoholic will finally hit a personal bottom or have a moment of clarity and recover--essentially becoming a different (and better) person.

This isn't due to some wonderfulness about the person they happen to be with at the time. I don't know any alcoholic (out of the hundreds I've known, in various stages of alcoholism or recovery) who has ever said, "And then I met this wonderful person and I decided I had to get sober for him/her." It doesn't work that way. Who the alcoholic is involved with--if anyone--at the time he or she finally decides to get sober is really more a matter of coincidence than anything else.

AnvilheadII

He doesn't drink daily that I know if but goes on benders often to the point where he will pass out 3 hrs and then wake up and vomit. can't even take him anywhere anymore like we used to go because he's always drunk when I see him. Whenever he was stressed or on a bender he would call me and need me panicking or need me to be there w him. I'd take care if him, make sure he didn't throw up in his sleep when he passed out, all while being the friend. I did everything for this man. Meanwhile, he still has no job and I know he's depressed. I feel this man has nothing to give anyone in a relationship so even though I knew I loved him, I sat by as a friend and still continued to be there for him through his struggles. I wanted to make sure he was ok, didn't vomit in his sleep, try to drive drunk, etc. He always needed me.

I am pretty, have a good personality, funny, bought him whatever he wanted, took him wherever he wanted, ran to him at every beck and call when he was freaking. Stood by his side during the whole entire year he was alone and at rock bottom and had no one to turn to and took care of him and been a best friend to him. I don't get what his deal is

can i ask what you found attractive about the person described above who is old enough to be your father? what it is you think you might miss out on? he had nothing to offer, did not WANT an intimate relationship with you, and allowed you to fawn over him, buy him things, act as his taxi service, know that he didn't even have to "pretend" to be sexually interested and you'd still come running.

this is an excellent time to look at your own behaviors.....

CloudsAndRain

Anvilheadll, we were sexual in the beginning of the relationship. Until he relapsed and I had gotten an illness, which I cant discuss here. It ruined things. and think it was a lot of what changed between he and I and we fought about. He isn't old enough to be my father. we're only a little over a decade apart. It's a gap, but even my own father is MUCH older than him. And he and I got along had a lot of fun, and I was attracted to him physically more than anyone. I loved his moral standards as well. Shared a lot of the same interests and just had a blast together. He didn't start drinking heavily until a few months ago, so I saw the sober man for a long time. Maybe I loved him for who he was sober. Much more goes into it as to why I liked him than simple attraction. And sadly, he was my best friend. He helped me through hard times, made me face a lot of my fears and helped me become a better person. we did everything together even if it was grocery shopping. Was always there for me too. Now I even lost my best friend because hes distant.

SparkleKitty

Excellent point. I should have said, "he is going to be the same person, until he isn't, and it won't have anything to do with who he is with."

CloudsAndRain

Thanks Sparklekitty, he doesn't seemed determined to want to stop anytime soon. He could have when he already had some sobriety under his belt. But he didn't choose to. He doesn't seem to want to work either. I think he's letting his alcoholism to take over and just doesn't care at this point. A part of his life, he spent 9 years sober years ago (he told me he was single and worked on himself then-like he said he was trying to do now). I thought he could do it again, but guess not. Him wanting a relationship while he's this unstable and cant even take care of himself I don't feel is a good decision and a recipe for disaster in my eyes. 90% of why I backed off and stayed his best pal. He will only end up hurting someone and himself I feel in the end, when you cant even take him anywhere and he lies in bed passed out or puking most of the time. Like i said, he was fun for me sober, but after relapse ya cant take him anywhere or do anything. Maybe he figures he can work something out w someone who lives far away so he can hide his bad behavior from her.

CloudsAndRain

Also guys, I am wondering if I should return all the things he has given me or got for me? I have a few items especially w his last name on them and I feel I dont deserve to have them or wear another woman's, man's name on my clothes or have a constant reminder of him. I also have his very first AA book, one of his sobriety chips he gave me on our second date, among many other items. I think it may be too painful for me to keep. Should I box them up and hand everything back? I feel his new woman or whoever he chooses to be w deserves it more than I do. Thanks everyone, for your advice.

Bekindalways

Heya Cloudsandrain, I am sorry to say that you sound very much like one of us! ;-)

From what you said above, he seems like a man with many wonderful characteristics. Most alcoholics do have something wonderful about them. Unfortunately no one can fix these people and in the end the alcohol will consume both his life and yours if you let him back into your life. We can only fix ourselves by looking at our own mess on our own side of the street.

What many of us say on these threads is often not very comforting; it is often more in the realm of harsh reality. We usually encourage posters to look at their own messes which is pretty counter-intuitive when you are involved with an alcoholic.

I'm sure the situation must be super painful for you. Whether you leave the alcoholic or they leave you, there is always a hole. Please keep posting, read the stickies and check out an Alanon meeting if you can.

CloudsAndRain

Thanks Bekindalways for the kind words! There is a huge hole in my heart, I'm not gonna lie. I truly did love him despite his faults. They were exhausting nonetheless but we got through it. I can't eat or even sleep and cry a lot because I miss him dearly for all the good times we did share. I wanted more good times this summer and this year to come even as his best friend. But guess not happening now. I'm glad I got all you guys for support to help me get through this as my friends are clearly sick of hearing about him, lol.

SparkleKitty

I recommend boxing them up and sending them to him, either via mail or through a mutual acquaintance. If you're trying to get past this, then seeing him will only open wounds better left alone to heal. Hugs, I know how painful this can be.

honeypig

Relating to what to do w/material items he has given you: I think only you can decide what to keep and what to get rid of. Really think thru your decision--it is easy to "give things back" in a spirit of manipulation, anger or revenge, to "make him see what he is losing." (How do I know this? Hmmm.....)

If you do get rid of items from him, you may want to handle different things in different ways. Personal items like the AA Big Book and the sobriety chip I would definitely return to him. Other items could perhaps be donated where they could be used, rather than returning something to him that he has no use for either--for instance, if he gave you a coat, you could donate it to a shelter.

SparkleKitty has a good point regarding the things that do go back to him personally--no need for you to do the delivery yourself!