Smilax

So I posted some time back that I know I have a problem. See my past posts, can't post links yet.

Still have not stopped sadly. I've switched from hard liquor to wine and beer but my consumption hasn't changed a lot. Every time I have some kind of scare like a throw up, pass out or wake up and discover stuff I've done that I don't remember I tell myself STOP! The only thing I refuse to do is drink and drive, doesn't mean I won't do something stupid like fall asleep with the stove one on day though (man I'm stupid). But then the next weekend rolls around and I feel lonely and depressed and I can't think of a reason not to. I'm in group therapy and taking meds for emotional issues. In truth things have improved in my life a lot over the years in some ways.

Some signs of my issues with drinking. I tend to know my limit and drink right up to it each weekend. I binge drink. But that means I leave very little extra headroom. Last weekend I went over that and threw up one day. Felt extra crappy the next day or two, I always do anyway. I drink a lot for about 3 days then not at all the other days of the week I work. I tell myself when something like that happens, or I wake up the next day and realise I've forgotten I posted **** or done things. I NEED to stop. But then the next weekend rolls around and I'm feeling great again and I can't think of a reason not to go drink again. Looking for excuses to claim I don't have "that big of an issue" is another red flag. Looked up the volume of alcohol the top drinkers drink and sure I'm not in that league, apparently the top 10% of drinkers in NA drink something like (73 drinks a week! Jesus that's nuts lol). I'll drink a bottle of wine and 2 - 4 beers those 3 days usually. Anyway. I feel stupid being this stupid.

Self hatred and low self esteem are big issues for me. I really feel stupid and pathetic, I know I technically have a lot going for me actually. Thing is I know I'm not stopping even though I know I should. Why?

Staystrong101

Honestly I didn't believe I had an addiction problem when I walked through the doors at rehab. It honestly took me about 2 weeks of being clean to accept I was an addict. Your doing the right thing and talking a out it but have you looked into an out patient rehab or even one on one consulting? Just ideas

Smilax

I think binge drinking is especially bad because, well one it's actually physically harder on you but the thing is you don't develop the physical addiction that you do when you are a habitual drinker. This makes it even easier to deny that you have a problem because without the physical addiction forcing you to drink every day you can fool yourself into thinking you don't have a problem. But being emotionally addicted is just as big of an issue.

Yes I have thought of going to rehab. AA isn't really for me as I'm atheist but there are other options around here. But I'm still in too much denial and as stupid as this **** sounds, still enjoying drinking too much, or at least some part of me is :-( Sorry that's ******** to say.

silentrun

You sound like me about 5 years before I finally had enough. I never did get a DUI or get in any trouble. Why I didn't quit earlier is because I didn't realize what a big deal this was. It was gradual for so long. I would binge drink once or twice a week. As the years went by I would add a day until I was up to a pint a night nearly every night.

least

You can get sober. You just haven't done it yet. You've simply got to put down the drink and not drink anymore. It might be a good idea to ask your doctor for help in quitting.

I used to think I was hopeless but I was wrong. I got sober over six years ago and am happier than I've ever been. You can do this.

Smilax

Thanks. I'd like to think it won't take that long but denial is a powerful and twisted thing. I can look right at something that I know to be an issue and one part of my brain will have alarm bells going off telling me YES that's an issue you need to address! And somehow the other side that takes over just goes "nah don't listen to him".

I should amend what I said above by making it clear that I drink a bottle wine and 2-4 beers EACH of those 3 days.

silentrun

I blacked out for the first time July 3 2003. I KNEW something had changed but I ignored that alarm bell. I quit Feb 10 2013. That voice telling me to quit got really loud and abusive. I took the abuse and kept drinking. I added up my consumption at the end. It totaled 48 units. That was enough to completely wreck me.

Soberpotamus

I, too, was a binge drinker so I understand where you're coming from. It took me a while to get to the point I realized there might be a problem. Friends around me seemed to recognize the problem before I did. I had a lot going for me too, at the time. I was an honors student doing very well at university and had a bright future.

It does seem it's more of a "lifestyle choice" for us binge drinkers, rather than an "addiction," because we can go days or weeks without it, and then we "choose" to get obliterated and have "fun." I had blackouts too, and they started very early on. I thought it was normal.

Why aren't you quitting when you know you probably should? Well, it's the addiction. It's the euphoric recall. You haven't been forced yet by your circumstances. And you don't have to be.

There are people who quit very early on and avoid those horrible negative consequences. You can be one of them.

Smilax

The sad thing is I don't even party or drink with others. I drink alone by myself. For me it's to alleviate the loneliness and depression I feel from a life time of self isolation from others. Everything else you said though is bang on!

Smilax

How did you know you had blacked out? Reason I ask is that for me a lot of the time I just go to sleep super drunk then wake up the next day not remembering most of the last night. Not sure if that's blacking out or not.

Soberpotamus

I eventually drank alone too, Smilax.

Mine started as a social lubrication and anxiolytic. It grew from there to be all-encompassing.

silentrun

I had a bonfire at my house with a couple people. The last thing I remember was not being able to spell a word. I woke up on the couch and had no recollection of how I got there. I was told I went up to bed shortly after that spelling incident so I wasn't blacked out for that long. Before that night I could remember everything that happened when I drank. I had complete recall as if I hadn't been drinking. It was probably at least a year before I had another blackout. Toward the end they were common and I would even forget conversations I had sober.

Soberwolf

Welcome Smilax

Smilax

Yeah I will say I definetly have forms of blackouts. I will forget stuff I did all the time. However when I'm reminded of them by something then the memory comes back.

mav

hey Smilax, welcome to SR. I can empathise with many of your points. The main one being the "I'm never drinking again!" And then 3 hours later being drinking again. I was a social drinker and then a social + home/alone and then ultimately just a home/alone drinking. It's a very progressive thing, so your 3 day binges now will slowly turn in to 4 days, 5 days...

The good news is it's never too late to turn it around. One thing you could do is write down a list of all the reasons why you want to stop drinking so that when next weekend rolls around you've got something to refer to. That could form the first part of your plan to stop for good. Believe me it's worth it. I used to do the whole "yay it's the weekend, let's drink!" thing reckoning that weekends were for drinking. As it happens, weekends NOT drinking are so much better!

Good luck. Make yourself at home at SR, you'll find a lot of support and help.

Anna

I didn't know I was blacking out either when it first started. I drank at home, alone. It was only when I found I was making phone calls and moving things around that it dawned on me that I was blacking out.

You know you need to stop but you don't because you're an alcoholic. Denial is a key part of the disease and your disease is trying to convince you to not stop.