Not a Good Week
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
Not a Good Week
trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. Last Saturday the X called me and asked me to go to his cousin's wedding. I told him that I wasn't comfortable going unless he asked his cousin about my attending first. Then he said he loved me and wanted us to be together and work it out, etc. On Valentine's Day he brought flowers and cookies for me and we had dinner together here. Then on Tuesday he told me forget about the wedding that he shouldn't have invited me it wasn't his place to do that and he didn't want me to go. ??? !!!!! I've cried, talked to my counselor, cried some more, called my mom and sister, cried some more, cried in front of the kids, cried at my son's counselor's session, cried last night, cried this morning. It's absolutely ridiculous. He texted me HAPPY BIRTHDAY! today. I didn't respond. I am just heartbroken. I should be further than this by now. It's my birthday and I feel like Crapola!
Sue
Sue
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It could be that his cousin didn't want you there. Not that she necessarily has anything against you, personally, but maybe she's afraid there will be a scene with drama. He's family, you're not, so that alone might explain it.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
I frankly don't care about going to the wedding. In fact, I didn't even know about the wedding until X called. Of course, he is an A and wouldn't know how to do a mature thing even if it came and bit him on the A$$ but what he should have done is run it by the groom first and then invited me. But the most likely scenario is the fit that X Mil probably threw when he told her he invited me. It's rude and hurtful what he did.
Sue
Sue
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Living.....it is often said that the best way to tell how an alcoholic is doing is to tell them "NO"......
My question to you is....Why do you think that you should be further than this by now.....what time frame are you going by?
From my life experience and dealing with tons and tons of people who were grieving---either from the loss of h eartbreak or death....(including my own)...
grieving takes time...and time takes time...
You will grieve until you have completed the process...whatever time that takes....
go ahead and cry...crying is good....
dandylion
My question to you is....Why do you think that you should be further than this by now.....what time frame are you going by?
From my life experience and dealing with tons and tons of people who were grieving---either from the loss of h eartbreak or death....(including my own)...
grieving takes time...and time takes time...
You will grieve until you have completed the process...whatever time that takes....
go ahead and cry...crying is good....
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Contacting somebody back...
...is still contact.
From experience I know what you are going through is not easy and I'm not criticizing you-- I'm sharing experience. Contact is contact no matter who starts it and, like many things in recovery, is simple but definitely not easy-- I get it.
He baited you and you fell for it-- it's happenned to me too, many times. It happenned, remember it, and don't allow it to happen again.
Forgive yourself.
From experience I know what you are going through is not easy and I'm not criticizing you-- I'm sharing experience. Contact is contact no matter who starts it and, like many things in recovery, is simple but definitely not easy-- I get it.
He baited you and you fell for it-- it's happenned to me too, many times. It happenned, remember it, and don't allow it to happen again.
Forgive yourself.
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me 
I don't go out of my way to contact him unless text about the kids or email about finances. I was not the one who made contact at all this last week.
Sue
Sue
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh my-typical alcoholic crap...I mean, classic. This is what my ex would do-during marriage and esp after divorce. Hun-my ex sent me so many messages that were complete BS...and when his bait no longer worked, he lashed out. This is what they do! Don't feel bad-this is about him. When you know better, you do better. Now you know better!!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by dandylion
Living.....it is often said that the best way to tell how an alcoholic is doing is to tell them "NO"......
My question to you is....Why do you think that you should be further than this by now.....what time frame are you going by?
From my life experience and dealing with tons and tons of people who were grieving---either from the loss of h eartbreak or death....(including my own)...
grieving takes time...and time takes time...
You will grieve until you have completed the process...whatever time that takes....
go ahead and cry...crying is good....
dandylion
My question to you is....Why do you think that you should be further than this by now.....what time frame are you going by?
From my life experience and dealing with tons and tons of people who were grieving---either from the loss of h eartbreak or death....(including my own)...
grieving takes time...and time takes time...
You will grieve until you have completed the process...whatever time that takes....
go ahead and cry...crying is good....
dandylion
Sue
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Sue, I see in your past posts that you've been through such a roller coaster over the past few years trying to separate from him. You've mentioned that he has been physically abusive throughout. You deserve some space to heal. He will keep reaching out and jerking your chain as long as you let him. I think that limiting contact to text or email about the kids is a great idea. It might take some practice to enforce that boundary, but it sounds like you are feeling determined now and can do it if you set your mind to it!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Sue-I understand your feelings. I wish I hated mine as well, but I don't. You will get there-you will heal. As dandy told me over a year ago, it takes time (and boy that is not what I wanted to hear-but it's what I needed to hear!). You will be ok, but you have to cut him off (just my experience).
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Oh Sue, hugs.
May I suggest detachment? It is much easier to apply it when your ex is an ex. Mine got in touch with me today, looked like he was sober, with a bruise under his eye. Like somebody smacked him real good. Supposedly, he passed out and fell down.
If we were married, I would probably be screaming right now. The only thing I feel is really really sorry for him. 10 years of marriage almost, and after divorce he went don to China town.
Was tonight's visit baiting? It does not matter. My heart is not operating that way anymore. We're done, over, finished forever. I wish my ex all the best, but really. It should be much easier to enforce your boundaries now, limit contact, be able to say nope.
It may be impossible to cut the ties completely, but you can control how much of your ex you can handle.
May I suggest detachment? It is much easier to apply it when your ex is an ex. Mine got in touch with me today, looked like he was sober, with a bruise under his eye. Like somebody smacked him real good. Supposedly, he passed out and fell down.
If we were married, I would probably be screaming right now. The only thing I feel is really really sorry for him. 10 years of marriage almost, and after divorce he went don to China town.
Was tonight's visit baiting? It does not matter. My heart is not operating that way anymore. We're done, over, finished forever. I wish my ex all the best, but really. It should be much easier to enforce your boundaries now, limit contact, be able to say nope.
It may be impossible to cut the ties completely, but you can control how much of your ex you can handle.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
I am so frustrated by the grieving. People tell me it's going to take time. We were together for 20 years, married for 19. We have children together. I wish that I didn't love him. I wish that I hated him. Even through all the terrible things he did to me, even though he about nearly destroyed me while we were married, I am tired of crying over it. I don't want to feel like this forever. I want to be whole, healed. I want to move on. I want to find someone that is healthy, whole, loving, someone that I can love and someone that loves me. I know I can't do that until I do THIS. And THIS sucks. It's wasting time feeling stuck when I want to move forward and live my life and eventually find someone to share life with. I wasted 20 years of my life already.
Sue
Sue
Hang tough brave woman; just by feeling this pain and going through the grief you are doing good, solid, oh-so-worthwhile work on your life and yourself!!! (Even though it soooooo sucks!)
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Oh my-typical alcoholic crap...I mean, classic. This is what my ex would do-during marriage and esp after divorce. Hun-my ex sent me so many messages that were complete BS...and when his bait no longer worked, he lashed out. This is what they do! Don't feel bad-this is about him. When you know better, you do better. Now you know better!!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
I am so frustrated by the grieving. People tell me it's going to take time. We were together for 20 years, married for 19. We have children together. I wish that I didn't love him. I wish that I hated him. Even through all the terrible things he did to me, even though he about nearly destroyed me while we were married, I am tired of crying over it. I don't want to feel like this forever. I want to be whole, healed. I want to move on. I want to find someone that is healthy, whole, loving, someone that I can love and someone that loves me. I know I can't do that until I do THIS. And THIS sucks. It's wasting time feeling stuck when I want to move forward and live my life and eventually find someone to share life with. I wasted 20 years of my life already.
Sue
Sue
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If you did hate him NC wouldn't be so important, but because you still love him having contact, no matter who initiates it, it prolonging your agony. It's like a smoker just having one now and then. If you want to move on, keep contact to the minimum and strictly business.
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