Newbie here; BF newly sober and cranky, help! advice
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Newbie here; BF newly sober and cranky, help! advice
Hi all. I am in a four month relationship with someone that I have known very , very casually for a few years. He is a very high-functioning alcoholic. He has recently stopped drinking for a period of time in order to "slow it down" back to what he calls a "manageable level." He did not drink every day, but would basically binge drink for two to four days at a time a few times a month. The days afterward he would have mild withdrawals, but then would drink again before he would come all the way through them ( if that makes sense.) He is not in any program but is doing this on his own. I know that we could argue here about whether he should stop completely, or whether a person can slow drinking down....I cannot even have this discussion right now. I just want to get thru the present. He has not had a drink for five days now, and the five days prior had only had a couple drinks on two days. I know his body is trying to figure out why it is not receiving it's usual download of alcohol at the moment. He has been withdrawn, irritable, cranky for the past five days. All of this is in addition to him questioning his future...his job, where he wants to go in life, etc. I need some help on how to deal with this kind of personality change and how to let him know that I support him even though he totally denies that his crankiness is due to not drinking. Everything I do now is on his nerves it seems, but I know it's not really me.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi gal, 5 days is nothing; he may still be having physical withdrawal, and will surely be having mental withdrawal.
I suggest you give him some space. Where you might spend an evening with him, limit it to an hour or two. Also, don't take it personally, as it's not aimed at you. He's dong a positive thing, and the best support you can give him is let him go through it the best way he knows how. Find some activity for yourself like exercise or night class, and substitute that for a while. He'll come back when his mind and body have adjusted.
I suggest you give him some space. Where you might spend an evening with him, limit it to an hour or two. Also, don't take it personally, as it's not aimed at you. He's dong a positive thing, and the best support you can give him is let him go through it the best way he knows how. Find some activity for yourself like exercise or night class, and substitute that for a while. He'll come back when his mind and body have adjusted.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1
Hello justagal. I happen to be going through a very similar situation with my GF at the moment. I have encountered all sorts of levels of rage from her, and this isn't a game that gets played nice. She knows all the right buttons to push and all the right topics that can really hurt me on a personal level. I assume this is something similar to what you are dealing with perhaps?
Although this is a relatively new situation for myself and I might not have a lot of eye-opening advice to give, just know that you aren't alone at least. Sometimes I fell like the anger arises from the bad things she sees in herself and she is projecting it on me, other times I think maybe it's the fact that she is not using alcohol to manage her emotions anymore and is forced to deal with them in a new way. I don't really know, perhaps I'm wrong in this sort of thinking.
Sometimes the best thing you can do, (and I've seen it posted here in a few other topics) is to just walk away a let them be. Sometimes a wound is so bad that no amount of painkillers will totally get rid of the pain.
I do know you need to find someone (therapist, friend, another person going through a similar situation) to talk to for support at least. I can tell you this is some of the most emotionally draining situations I have ever dealt with in my life. My self-esteem as taken a hit, my drive in doing things wanes, my happiness seems a bit harder to maintain. But I confide in my family and my friends often, I take part in things that take my mind away (movies and snowboarding work for me here), and I just take it day by day.
Some days, it is really good. I try to enjoy those. Other days, it can be very difficult. Through all of it, I have realized that you can only help the other person so much. You can't forget about yourself in the process.
Although this is a relatively new situation for myself and I might not have a lot of eye-opening advice to give, just know that you aren't alone at least. Sometimes I fell like the anger arises from the bad things she sees in herself and she is projecting it on me, other times I think maybe it's the fact that she is not using alcohol to manage her emotions anymore and is forced to deal with them in a new way. I don't really know, perhaps I'm wrong in this sort of thinking.
Sometimes the best thing you can do, (and I've seen it posted here in a few other topics) is to just walk away a let them be. Sometimes a wound is so bad that no amount of painkillers will totally get rid of the pain.
I do know you need to find someone (therapist, friend, another person going through a similar situation) to talk to for support at least. I can tell you this is some of the most emotionally draining situations I have ever dealt with in my life. My self-esteem as taken a hit, my drive in doing things wanes, my happiness seems a bit harder to maintain. But I confide in my family and my friends often, I take part in things that take my mind away (movies and snowboarding work for me here), and I just take it day by day.
Some days, it is really good. I try to enjoy those. Other days, it can be very difficult. Through all of it, I have realized that you can only help the other person so much. You can't forget about yourself in the process.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Thank you both very much for such valuable advice. I will certainly take it to heart.
He isn't angry, part of the problem with his drinking - and it not really being a "problem" that was identified at first - is that he is actually a very pleasant drunk, just as he is sober. But this week he has completely withdrawn and is short and terse and just absolutely unconnected. I think part of my problem is that even though I shouldn't take it personally, and know better, I still do ( stupid feelings.) I do feel that he both projects, and also is not sure how to deal with ANY of his emotions without alcohol, that's for sure. This week he sure is pointing out everything that he thinks is wrong with how I am operating in the relationship.....just, overboard and unusual as we are pretty solid and great. I am trying hard to be supportive but it's getting brushed off and grumpily pointed out as "unnecessary" and makes me feel like I am doing nothing to help. I hope in time this gets better....mainly I am just concerned that he continue with his better choices, I really want him to see it thorough no matter what. I am worried that him not being able to deal with his emotions is gonna cause him to slide back, and that is the last thing that I want for him.
Thank you both so much for your responses!
He isn't angry, part of the problem with his drinking - and it not really being a "problem" that was identified at first - is that he is actually a very pleasant drunk, just as he is sober. But this week he has completely withdrawn and is short and terse and just absolutely unconnected. I think part of my problem is that even though I shouldn't take it personally, and know better, I still do ( stupid feelings.) I do feel that he both projects, and also is not sure how to deal with ANY of his emotions without alcohol, that's for sure. This week he sure is pointing out everything that he thinks is wrong with how I am operating in the relationship.....just, overboard and unusual as we are pretty solid and great. I am trying hard to be supportive but it's getting brushed off and grumpily pointed out as "unnecessary" and makes me feel like I am doing nothing to help. I hope in time this gets better....mainly I am just concerned that he continue with his better choices, I really want him to see it thorough no matter what. I am worried that him not being able to deal with his emotions is gonna cause him to slide back, and that is the last thing that I want for him.
Thank you both so much for your responses!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Is he white-knuckling this at the moment? If so, it could be a long time before he learns to deal with his emotions , and life on life's terms in sobriety.
Has he considered AA or SMART or similar? I am an AAer, and know that the tools I've got from AA and working the 12-step program for recovery has done for me what I couldn't have done alone. And the fellowship of other (sober) alcoholics has been amazing.
If he isn't willing to give something like this a go, there is nothing stopping you from getting some support in dealing with being in a relationship with an alcoholic (drinking or in recovery). Al Anon helps lots of women in your position.
Has he considered AA or SMART or similar? I am an AAer, and know that the tools I've got from AA and working the 12-step program for recovery has done for me what I couldn't have done alone. And the fellowship of other (sober) alcoholics has been amazing.
If he isn't willing to give something like this a go, there is nothing stopping you from getting some support in dealing with being in a relationship with an alcoholic (drinking or in recovery). Al Anon helps lots of women in your position.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Gal you don't have to be too supportive. He's made it clear he's better off if you don't crowd him.
When he starts picking on you, say something along the lines of 'sounds like you need some time to yourself' and skedaddle out of there. I can guarantee he's not talking that way to his boss, so he can control himself when he needs to. There's nothing to say you have to stay around while he's like this. Just withdraw,
When he starts picking on you, say something along the lines of 'sounds like you need some time to yourself' and skedaddle out of there. I can guarantee he's not talking that way to his boss, so he can control himself when he needs to. There's nothing to say you have to stay around while he's like this. Just withdraw,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I suggest to give him a wide, wide, berth.....trying to "help" usually made it worse, in my experience....
I would get out of th e house as much as possible and find other things to do....
pretend that you have a Teflon coating and let his grouchy just roll off......basically. just not engaging with his "quacking"......
dandylion
I would get out of th e house as much as possible and find other things to do....
pretend that you have a Teflon coating and let his grouchy just roll off......basically. just not engaging with his "quacking"......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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It doesn't sound to me like he's even trying to quit drinking--he's hoping to dial it back, which never works. Once you cross that line there is no going back to "normal" drinking. And, as you've noticed, not-drinking on sheer willpower is hell on an alcoholic.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a good time to start. It could be months or years before he's ready to quit for good and willing to do the work necessary to live happily sober--if ever--and Al-Anon can help you keep you keep your focus where it belongs--on YOU.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a good time to start. It could be months or years before he's ready to quit for good and willing to do the work necessary to live happily sober--if ever--and Al-Anon can help you keep you keep your focus where it belongs--on YOU.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He is an alcoholic, and not ready to find recovery. His attempt to not drink is causing him to "white knuckle" through it, that's why you're seeing the personality changes.
You are only 4 months into this relationship, and he is showing you a clear picture of what is ahead if you stay. Binge, withdrawals, drink to stop the withdrawals, abstain, white knuckle, binge. Blame others. When you close your eyes and envision what you want from a long term relationship....is this it???
My best advice is give him space and find an AlAnon group. Learn everything you can in those meetings about this disease. Learn to set boundaries that protect your health and keep the focus on you.
You are only 4 months into this relationship, and he is showing you a clear picture of what is ahead if you stay. Binge, withdrawals, drink to stop the withdrawals, abstain, white knuckle, binge. Blame others. When you close your eyes and envision what you want from a long term relationship....is this it???
My best advice is give him space and find an AlAnon group. Learn everything you can in those meetings about this disease. Learn to set boundaries that protect your health and keep the focus on you.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
You are only 4 months into this relationship, and he is showing you a clear picture of what is ahead if you stay. Binge, withdrawals, drink to stop the withdrawals, abstain, white knuckle, binge. Blame others. When you close your eyes and envision what you want from a long term relationship....is this it???
These were my thought exactly when I read this posts this am. My advise would be to take a step back and learn as much as you can about the person you are dealing with. You found yourself here at SR for a reason and honestly, four months into it? Run.... It will only get worse if he doesn't get help. You however can help yourself.
I wish you the best
Ro
These were my thought exactly when I read this posts this am. My advise would be to take a step back and learn as much as you can about the person you are dealing with. You found yourself here at SR for a reason and honestly, four months into it? Run.... It will only get worse if he doesn't get help. You however can help yourself.
I wish you the best
Ro
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