Bambi

I think I am losing it and really need some help. I am not sure if anyone has seen past posts from me, but I will give a short summary.

Lat month my husband relapsed again. He came home from work drunk and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I asked him to leave and was planning on filing for divorce. I have been the forgiving wife for 10 yrs now. ENough was enough for me.

He left that night, and kept drinking while driving. He had gotten 2 DUIs 10 yrs ago. Well he ended up hitting a empty car parked along the side of the Hwy, and he totaled his car and had bruises and very sore but no serious injuries. He was checked out at the ER that night. He was issued a DUI of course. So this is his 3rd one and considered a class 4 felony.

He could lose his license for 10 yrs, have 25,000 in court fines, serve or a year in jail, IF he can get a permit to drive to work and at work, he has to have a breath machine put on the vehicles. So I will also have to breath into this machine for it to start. The retainer for the lawyer is 5 GRAND!!

I stayed seperated from him for 3 weeks then. It killed me, I love him so much and he is my best friend and soul mate. He also feels the same, so we both were really suffering. But that night I am the one who hit bottom. I felt like someone ripped my heart out and I couldn't go to my best friend and cry on their shoulder. It felt as if my husband died.

He begged to come home and I was too weak to say no. Altough I did say no for 3 weeks. Then I gave in which broke my promise to myself.

Anyway now hearing all that our future holds, or doesn't hold actually is killing me. We are going to end up losing everything. I have this fear that I am going to be homeless!! Due to health reasons I am unable to work now. He is the sole support of us. I hate being dependent like this, and now with this who knows what will happen.

I am trying to be strong for him, but I have all this fear, and anger inside. The past 2 days I really feel like I am having a total breakdown. I feel like I have no reason to live anymore. I feel so hopeless. The is pysically and emotionally killing me. I am hanging by a thread here. :sink

Morning Glory

Bambi,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I was there with my son one night. I literally felt something die inside my heart. It's like it just shut down.

I don't have the answers to the problems ahead of you, but I do know that we can always find a way to make it through. I know how low you are right now and it might be a great time to find a therapist to talk to for a few weeks. That's what I did and it helped a lot. I also started an antidepressant and took it for several months until I got through the worst of it.

I really believe that this is part of the process for some of us. I also know it's time to take care of yourself. Go see your doctor.

Love and hugs,
MG

3rdbird

Bambi, I, like so many people on this message board can totally relate to what you are going through. I have been in a horrible place all week, even earlier today, but tonight I am feeling a little bit better. Everyone has told me to get to a meeting as soon as possible. I have gone many times in the last few weeks, and sometimes it helps, and other times it feels as though it does nothing. But I think breaking the cycle of drepression that you may be experiencing, by doing something for yourself, may provide relief. Bambi, if you read the replys people have written to my messages, you will see a theme. "Take Care of Yourself". "Go to a meeting", "Exercise", "Read". I am a newbie to all of this, but the advise does work. So muster the strength to do something for yourself!
Hugs and Prayers,
3rdBird

Alexia

You hang on Bambi. THere's nothing in this life so bad that you should consider not living. One thing I would not do is rescue your A. I've done it many times and ended up making matters worse. It took him twice as long to learn alcohol was ruining his life when I kept saving him. Let your A take his lumps and face the consequences of his actions.
You can make it through whatever comes next. I believe that faith gets you farther than action at times. Give your problems up to God (or Higher Power) and ask for help. You will get it.
I did not start feeling any sense of peace or relief until I started praying and having faith that things would work out as they were intended to.
Best wishes to you and keep the faith.

journeygal

This is exactly how its been for me. My husband has been binging for the past 6 weeks, practically non-stop. A little over a month ago, during the last "real" conversation we had, where he blamed me for his relapse and all of his problems over the past 6 years, I slowly felt myself shutting down too. I became numb and he started sounding like the adults speaking on a Charlie Brown cartoon. I didn't realize it until I read this thread but I hit a bottom with him that day too. I realized how really lost he was. And in one moment I went from planning and wanting to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life to making plans for a life for me and my child, without him.

Bambi, life IS worth living. It is so worth it. I know you feel like you're barely hanging on but keep reaching out. What helps me is going to therapy and meetings, sharing my struggles with close friends that I trust to be here for me and not make judgements, and not feeling guilty or responsible for my husband's problems. Basically, I haven't stopped living, although some days it felt like it. And as Alexia said, probably the one thing that's helped more than anything is having the faith that everything will be ok. And it will. Of that I have no doubt. This all will pass. And things will be ok for you too.

Hugs and prayers to you,
JG

Magichappens

((Bambi))
You don't have to handle this alone. There are people who have reached the point you are at, and have found a way to healing and serenity. Get some support. Al-Anon is full of people who can help. We tend to carry the world on our shoulders. I had to let someone take some of the weight off.

I cared so much for other people that I lost myself. I didn't care for me. I was taught that taking care of me was selfish. But by not taking care of me, I lost all my self worth and self esteem. I was a door mat to whatever and who ever decided to walk on me. But Al-Anon has taught me to get up off the floor. With support and love, I can today have a life that I want to live, regardless of others' decisions, actions, and consequences. Life offers choices for me today. I am not trapped, and I am not a victim.

You can find healing, and love. It begins with getting help. You are reaching out here. That is a start. Keep moving in that direction. When I became willing to do anything to feel better, I started to get better. You can too. To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." What have you got to lose? Hugs, Magic

Bambi

I wanted to thank you all for the supoort you gave me. I have been so down, it has been hard for me to even sign on.

I need to go to a meeting, I have never been before except for once in another state when we lived there. Everyone was so hateful at that meeting it scared me. They all had given up and it was a very negative experience, I didn't need to feel more negative. I know it was just that one location, I need to search for one in this area now.

I am so tired of riding this roller coaster, I wish I could just get off. The worst part for me right now is the pysical pain I am going thru because of the extreme stress with this DUI stuff. My muscles are all in a ball, and my neck is so bad it is causing migraines, which then cause me to vomit. Severe leg spasms, IBS which is new for me. Not sleeping, just feeling down right terrible. :headache:

It is the not knowing what is in the future. Will he go to jail, for how long, how much are the fines, are we going to lose everything, bla bla bla. It is just zooming around in my head non stop! I am trying so hard to think about other things, I just can't!

Here I go again, I am sorry for rambling and whining.