Troubledsister

I've read and read on this site and understand the addict behavior but still, I feel down in the dumps.

My AB turned all my words around and made ME the liar. Made ME the one to blame. Made ME the one to keep nephew and niece from.

Addressing my sons Bar Mirzvah invitations knowing they won't attend, maybe not even reply. I should be glad to have the distance but still, I'm blue. 😔

hopeful4

It is sad. Even when you know that is manipulation, even when you know it's not all your fault, it still hurts.

Know you feelings are valid. So many here have went through this, and we truly understand.

Sending huge hugs to you!

PuzzledHeart

I'm so sorry Troubledsister. I struggle with that very same notion too. I know that my sister places so much of the blame on me for our relationship. She's told me repeatedly that she felt abandoned when I learned how to read because my nose then was always in a book, and that's why she bullied me when she was younger.

So I'm haunted by the notion that if I didn't read so much, and if I did spend more time with my sister she wouldn't be the way she is.

I know she's also trashed me behind my back. However, I know that she's trashed everybody who has ever been close to her, so I try not to take it personally.

Troubledsister

Thanks hopeful4 and puzzledheart. I hope in time I can be more at peace with this. I'm sure it saddens my parents as well. In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on being good to ME.

Ann

Troubledsister, one of the gifts of recovery, for me, was to stop caring what other people thought of me. If I am the best person I know how to be at the time, then that's "good enough".

CatsPajamas, an old time member here used to use the analogy of the hula hoop. If we picture ourselves standing with a hula hoop around us, everything outside of that hoop is not our concern, everything inside the hoop is our responsibility to own. She used to also say "What others think of me is none of my business". (I miss Cats here).

Troubledsister, there is nothing wrong with you, it's okay to stand for your own values and beliefs, it's okay to choose your own path. Sometimes that is how we become stronger and get to know that stranger called "me".

Hugs

Fior

Hey Troubledsister....I hope today is looking a bit brighter.

Just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I went through exactly the same thing. Heck, I had to leave a whole job where he made me out to be the villain!I lost several friends in the process, which was also painful.

You will feel blue, and likely for awhile. I'm feeling blue myself for the past couple days. So I hear you. Someone told me (I think Zoso, maybe?) that when you're feeling this way and when you're dealing with manipulation and behavior that otherwise isn't rational, you have to allow the rational part of your brain to do the thinking. Otherwise, you might (and I do sometimes) get stuck in the proverbial mud.

But remember also that the distance gives you the opportunity to work through those blue feelings. You wouldn't be able to work through your OWN feelings without it. And that's what matters now. Your feelings and your life. It won't be easy (it's not for me either), but you can do this.
Big big hugs.

Troubledsister

Thx Ann and Fior! I'm feeling somewhat better and relaxed. I'm appreciating the kind, loving people in my life. And when I do that, I'm glad to have the distance because active addicts are NOT kind or loving! (Think I read that somewhere on SR and it sure is true! Of course unless they need something from you

zoso77

I'm late getting to this, TroubledSister.

The best thing to do in situations like this is nothing. Don't engage. Don't attract attention to yourself. Do nothing. For at some point, the behavior of the addict will draw unwanted attention to themselves. And when that happens, sit, watch, and marvel at the cognitive gymnastics they have to do in order to try to get out of trouble.

Besides, to paraphrase one of the best things I've ever heard in a meeting, it's none of your business what other people think of you.

hopeful4

Sending you lots of hugs today!

Troubledsister

Fast forward to yesterday. Mom calls and asks if I sent AB an invitation to my son's Bar Mitzvah. I told her yes. "Well he says he didn't get one and he must not be invited."

So would I please send another? (Separate phone call w dad : why would he possibly say he didn't get one if he did?")

I know I shouldn't be shocked by their total denial of his addict narcissistic twisted personality. But I am.

So I could have mailed another only to have him deny it again.

I sent it certified return receipt. Only so I have evidence I sent him one. For my sanity so my parents can't say he still didn't get one. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.

Just seeking reassurance Im not crazy. Ok I know it. But still.

This Bar Mitzvah means so much to them. And I know they want him and nephew niece there. But they won't come.

Thx for listening.

PuzzledHeart

You're not crazy. I find myself resenting all the "proof" I have to give to show that my sister is lying through her teeth. She's so good at it she could win an Academy Award several times over.

I think people truly want to give others the benefit of the doubt. You really don't want to think the worst of someone. But when the truth slaps you in the face multiple times you don't exactly have a choice in the matter.

Is there anyway you can issue out separate invitations to the niece and nephew, so they know that you want them there? Or would that instigate too much trouble? With my own nieces, I no longer communicate with my sister - I just go through her ex or my parents and it works out quite nicely.

Troubledsister

I did send a separate invite to my niece (age 3) and her mother (AB's gf maintains a separate residence from AB, but as of late has been spending weekends with my AB and nephew - he has custody of nephew. She's only mom to my niece.)

Since she's back on good terms with AB and likely back in denial herself, Im not holding out much hope they will come. But the know they are invited.