Alarm 6:18 am
Alarm 6:18 am 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
I hate the secrecy...
I told him that in a marital therapy session the other day. He said, with a combination of regret, shame, and humor -- it's always the humor that gets me -- that it's obviously not a secret anymore. He's right, so why do we both keep acting like it is?
The last 18 months have been a really unpleasant education and I wish that I could unlearn the meaning of the sounds, but I can't. We only talk about this in therapy – when I wake up to the sound of him drinking, I just get up -- i'm gone before he comes back to bed.
The last 18 months have been a really unpleasant education and I wish that I could unlearn the meaning of the sounds, but I can't. We only talk about this in therapy – when I wake up to the sound of him drinking, I just get up -- i'm gone before he comes back to bed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What kind of help are you getting for YOURSELF, individually? You can't get him sober by going through marriage counseling. Actually, there's little you can do to get him sober, period.
Have you been to Al-Anon? I think it would be really great for you.
Have you been to Al-Anon? I think it would be really great for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Aurora--I can relate to the secrecy thing. XAH even hid the fact that he smoked cigarettes from me, getting caught every so often, starting again (if he ever stopped) and hiding it, even after I'd told him numerous times "hey, if you want to smoke, just F'ing SMOKE, OK? This is ridiculous high-school crap!"
And of course he hid his drinking. All this for nearly 20 years.
Lexie mentioned that marital counseling is a waste if he is still drinking. I've seen that said here many times. Does the counselor have an education in and experience with alcoholism? What works w/"normal" people does NOT w/alcoholics. It's a whole different world.
Again, to echo Lexie, I think it would be a great idea to get involved w/Alanon, and also to read as much as you can here. I think you can get a great education about alcoholism right here on the pages of SR. Spending some time learning about alcoholism, codependence and related topics will help you understand where you are and decide what you want to do about it.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
And of course he hid his drinking. All this for nearly 20 years.
Lexie mentioned that marital counseling is a waste if he is still drinking. I've seen that said here many times. Does the counselor have an education in and experience with alcoholism? What works w/"normal" people does NOT w/alcoholics. It's a whole different world.
Again, to echo Lexie, I think it would be a great idea to get involved w/Alanon, and also to read as much as you can here. I think you can get a great education about alcoholism right here on the pages of SR. Spending some time learning about alcoholism, codependence and related topics will help you understand where you are and decide what you want to do about it.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
I started seeing a therapist who sort of specializes in addiction-related problems a few years ago because my relationship with my alcoholic sister reached a crisis point. At the time, I didn't know that my husband had a problem. The therapist has gently been encouraging me to go to Al-Anon for the last few months and I think I'm finally ready to go...
We've been together for 10 years (and 8 days) and was oblivious until I found a stash of empty bottles in our bedroom a year and a half ago, and even then... I didn't really get it. At the end of last summer, I started checking his hiding place every morning after he left for work. It was hard to believe that he was really drinking THAT MUCH, so I started taking pictures of the drawer. Then I started writing notes to him on the labels of the empties and on the walls of our bedroom -- notes that he's never seen because they're in clear ink that only shows up under a black light. That's kind of nuts, I guess -- how can he see the writing on the wall if it's invisible?
I have jumped out of airplanes for fun, but navigating this terrifies me.
Thank you for answering me. I have been lurking here off and on since last September, and both of you are always kind and direct -- I have learned a lot from the things that you have posted.
We've been together for 10 years (and 8 days) and was oblivious until I found a stash of empty bottles in our bedroom a year and a half ago, and even then... I didn't really get it. At the end of last summer, I started checking his hiding place every morning after he left for work. It was hard to believe that he was really drinking THAT MUCH, so I started taking pictures of the drawer. Then I started writing notes to him on the labels of the empties and on the walls of our bedroom -- notes that he's never seen because they're in clear ink that only shows up under a black light. That's kind of nuts, I guess -- how can he see the writing on the wall if it's invisible?
I have jumped out of airplanes for fun, but navigating this terrifies me.
Thank you for answering me. I have been lurking here off and on since last September, and both of you are always kind and direct -- I have learned a lot from the things that you have posted.
Last edited by AuroraDigitalis; 02-18-2016 at 08:06 AM. Reason: clarify
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