Minnie123

my exh very high functioning alcoholic with huge denial problems is a fantastic dad who is very much apart of our 3 little kids life, they love him more than anything and count down the days when they can stay over usually x2 night per week...

the kids have been coming back confused because daddy is telling them all sorts of bad stuff about my family, their aunts, uncles and nana etc it sounds like of cause drunk bs talk.....he has never been violent, abusive etc, just a quiet drunk every night neglecting me, but a fab guy in the day, well obviously not too fab as he decided to choose alcohol over us.

I cant let the kids stay there now, hes messing with their innocent lil heads I don't know how to go about it, talk to him first? But I know hell deny and turn it on me, or talk to brother or just hard fast to lawyer though through the law I guess there safety isn't in danger, there is no proof, gosh its hard. I just cant have him having them if hes pissed but I really don't think I can control it? as sometimes more than often he is not drinking, he'll just say im allowed to have a few beers grrrr

LexieCat

Minnie, I think I'd get those kiddos into therapy as soon as possible. The therapist is an objective third party, who could tell the court how this is affecting the kids. Do you have a custody/visitation order in place? Did you have a lawyer representing you during the divorce?

hopeful4

My X does this as well. He talks crap on me drunk or sober, but he talks crap on me, my family, and all sorts of other people when he drinks. It's a problem. The good thing for me is that my two are older, my youngest is 10. Also, it's in my divorce decree that he cannot drink around my children. So, first sign that he is, I come get my child and get her out of there.

I would definitely speak to an attorney. I would also expect that if you do confront him, it will turn ugly. That's just my guess of what I have seen myself and read from others on this forum.

Hugs to you. It's so hard. You are not alone.

lizatola

I second the suggestion for counseling. My 17 year old will ask to go back when he's feeling that he can't handle his dad's ruminations and throwing me (mom) under the bus all the time, etc.

Currently, my son says my ex refers to my new boyfriend as 'superboy' and that he makes derogatory comments about my mom and sister. My son knows the truth, though, and I constantly encourage him to explore what his truths are and who he chooses to trust. And, yes, as I said before, sometimes counseling is the best alternative.

I'm not sure you'll get much out of the courts at this point unless the children are in physical danger. I am appalled at how lax the courts are on dealing with people's emotional abuse of children and how they will only address it if there is physical harm. Emotional abuse is more insidious and builds over time. Sigh......anyway, a therapist can take notes and can provide a safe third party option for your children. Hugs, I know how hard this is for you.

Minnie123

Oh gosh thanks so much you guys get it, I feel like I'm a bit crazy and over thinking it and being over the top....as he always told me it's just a few beers, the thing is kids are 4 7 and 9 mostly the9 year old tells me stuff.... He insists I don't tell anyone ever. He just tells me I think to see if it's true, I tell him now Dad must of drunk too much and is talking stupid he sticks up for Dad big time that it doesn't happen often etc,
Thisbig talk they had which he told me about Dad told the 2 little girls to watch out for their uncle my bil cause he could fiddle with them WRF!!!! I'm so mad about it angry! I haunt mentioned it to him yet and told the girls it's silly talk and not real, he cried to them saying it's all mamas fault mum left me etc etc my poor kids I think if I didn't leave this wouldn't be happening to them

Ps.... he apologizedin the morning to the kids for talking about that stuff oh so I guess cause he says sorry it's all ok. heard it a million x before

findingme26

I'm more concerned that he is drinking when he has the kids in his care than I am with the stuff he's saying to them. Do you have anything in your custody agreement that makes provisions for him to be tested or monitored for drinking when he has the kids?

ETA: we all know what "a few beers" really means when that's how many an active alcoholic says they drank

Minnie123

Yes totally I'm concerned about that but at the end of day it's my word against his, he functions well owns his own business takes kids out during days, he's the coach and a nice guy really and doesn't drink and drive., I have no proof nothing and he doesn't necessary drink every night he has them, it's only me saying he has hf alcoholic, he's not been to aa or Dr he thinks he's just fine and I'm the over reacting one, maybe I am I feel crazy! he's only had 1 drink driving but that was 15 years ago! There is just no proof he's done nothing wrong. I feel like I'm just being the upset ex.....I can't and won't talk to him about it there just no point. It's hard and lonely tbh

LexieCat

Do the children see him drinking? And even if he's not, his behavior is disturbing and upsetting. I'd suggest you talk to a lawyer. Get some information. There may be a lot more you can do about this than you think.

hopeful4

Hugs to you.

Minnie123

Thank you I need that hug lol!!!

Yes of course he drinks in front of kids he sees nothing wrong with drinking full stop! He would never think it's bad to drink so why hide it

I'm actually feeling quite strong now thanks for all comments, I have always ***** footed around making it nice for him feeling sorry for him etc getting sucked into him being right me being wrong and guilty for leaving..... but no more! He's crossed a line with me now and eyes are even more open now, loser my god I'm so Damon proud of myself for leaving this dumb dance thing

The MOST hardest worst horrific time of my life was leaving him and also it has been the most BEST SOUL SAVING thing I've ever done. I'm so Damn happy !!! Thank u all xxx bless u all!!

LexieCat

Well, then, the kids know how much he drinks and how his behavior changes. They can talk to a therapist about it, and they can also talk to the judge about it--many judges will interview the kids in chambers with just the lawyers present so it's not as scary for the kids. Talk to a lawyer--he or she can help you figure out a way to keep the kids safe.

Have you talked to the kids about what to do if dad drinks too much? That they can call you if they are scared? Do they know how to call for emergency help if he tries to drive drunk with them? Do they know they should never get in the car with him if he's drinking, and what to do if he tries?

hopeful4

I agree with Lexie. The best thing you can do for the kids is educate them and get them into a counselor, even if it's just for a while to devise a plan. The first thing I did when I got divorced was to get my youngest a cell phone and insist she carry it anytime she will be around her father. It's been used. A lot. I have had to come get them out of bad situations many times. On some of these times it's been that I kept them out of a car with him, because he was drinking and going to drive them. No.

It's not fun in that it chains me down. When my youngest is at her dads (oldest is currently not even visiting), I have to literally be prepared to stop what I am doing at a moments notice and go get her. It just happened last week. It stinks, but until she is old enough, it is how my life is going to be. I have accepted that, and will do anything for the well being of my children.

Devising a plan will help you feel more in control, and your children too.

Keep posting, you are definitely not alone!