I just said to my partner
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I just said to my partner
"Maybe one day I'll get to spend some time with you when you're not drunk."
And he drunkenly said back to me, "maybe you should just go away," and went to bed.
I feel bad for what I said. He made dinner for us tonight and also had driven back from his out of town job a day early to "surprise" me--
But I really mean what I said. I sent him a text apologizing for "saying mean things" but in truth, I meant it. I wish I could spend more time with him sober.
Sorry, just had to get it off my chest
And he drunkenly said back to me, "maybe you should just go away," and went to bed.
I feel bad for what I said. He made dinner for us tonight and also had driven back from his out of town job a day early to "surprise" me--
But I really mean what I said. I sent him a text apologizing for "saying mean things" but in truth, I meant it. I wish I could spend more time with him sober.
Sorry, just had to get it off my chest
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That's kind of the ultimate ideal of anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic... just having sober moments together. Unfortunately, that relies on actions beyond our control. I know you meant it, but that is a fairly passive-aggressive thing to say, which could only result in hurt feelings on both sides of the conversation.
"Maybe one day I'll get to spend some time with you when you're not drunk" invites confrontation and would never result in a constructive conversation.
"I wish I could spend more time with you sober" is a far better conversation starter. It might end up in an argument depending on his mood, but it has the possibility to include a favorable conversation, and it frames the sentence in a 'this is how I feel' statement, rather than in a way that sounds damning.
"Maybe one day I'll get to spend some time with you when you're not drunk" invites confrontation and would never result in a constructive conversation.
"I wish I could spend more time with you sober" is a far better conversation starter. It might end up in an argument depending on his mood, but it has the possibility to include a favorable conversation, and it frames the sentence in a 'this is how I feel' statement, rather than in a way that sounds damning.
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Yeah, it's never a good idea to "discuss" someone's drinking when they are drunk. It wasn't even so much what you said, as your timing. Carefully making "this is how I feel" statements is a waste of breath when the other party is drunk.
Just sending you a hug, though.
Just sending you a hug, though.
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Sending you hugs. I said many times during my marriage that I wished to spend more time with my husband sober-but even those times started to stink bc he was always looking forward to a drink! This is alcoholism. I'm sorry you are here and dealing with this. Hugs and peace to you-that's all I can offer!
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I completely get that. I'd said similar to AXH. But, IMO, I don't think it was "saying mean things," but saying how you felt in an honest, blunt way. I think there's a difference. Saying something mean would have been saying something rudely negative about how his personality changes when he drinks and making it about HIM instead of how he changes.
What you said was your honest wish without any filters applied and without considering any qualifying factors (his current state of having been drinking or how he'd respond). FWIW, I don't think you could have said it in any way that would have not hurt his feelings or made him mad, but that doesn't mean your feelings are any less important.
What you said was your honest wish without any filters applied and without considering any qualifying factors (his current state of having been drinking or how he'd respond). FWIW, I don't think you could have said it in any way that would have not hurt his feelings or made him mad, but that doesn't mean your feelings are any less important.
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Originally Posted by Thomas45 
That's kind of the ultimate ideal of anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic... just having sober moments together. Unfortunately, that relies on actions beyond our control. I know you meant it, but that is a fairly passive-aggressive thing to say, which could only result in hurt feelings on both sides of the conversation.
"Maybe one day I'll get to spend some time with you when you're not drunk" invites confrontation and would never result in a constructive conversation.
"I wish I could spend more time with you sober" is a far better conversation starter. It might end up in an argument depending on his mood, but it has the possibility to include a favorable conversation, and it frames the sentence in a 'this is how I feel' statement, rather than in a way that sounds damning.
"Maybe one day I'll get to spend some time with you when you're not drunk" invites confrontation and would never result in a constructive conversation.
"I wish I could spend more time with you sober" is a far better conversation starter. It might end up in an argument depending on his mood, but it has the possibility to include a favorable conversation, and it frames the sentence in a 'this is how I feel' statement, rather than in a way that sounds damning.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yeah, it's never a good idea to "discuss" someone's drinking when they are drunk. It wasn't even so much what you said, as your timing. Carefully making "this is how I feel" statements is a waste of breath when the other party is drunk.
Just sending you a hug, though.
Just sending you a hug, though.
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
I completely get that. I'd said similar to AXH. But, IMO, I don't think it was "saying mean things," but saying how you felt in an honest, blunt way. I think there's a difference. Saying something mean would have been saying something rudely negative about how his personality changes when he drinks and making it about HIM instead of how he changes.
What you said was your honest wish without any filters applied and without considering any qualifying factors (his current state of having been drinking or how he'd respond). FWIW, I don't think you could have said it in any way that would have not hurt his feelings or made him mad, but that doesn't mean your feelings are any less important.
What you said was your honest wish without any filters applied and without considering any qualifying factors (his current state of having been drinking or how he'd respond). FWIW, I don't think you could have said it in any way that would have not hurt his feelings or made him mad, but that doesn't mean your feelings are any less important.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Never apologize for showing your feelings, never regret for being who you truly are. Love yourself more and hopefully you will realize you deserve so much better than that.
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I wish I could spend more time with him sober.
but.......HE isn't getting sober any time soon, is he? it will be up to you to decide how long you want to keep trying to wait him out in HOPES that he ONE day MIGHT get sober...........and how more disappointment you can stand while you wait.........
but.......HE isn't getting sober any time soon, is he? it will be up to you to decide how long you want to keep trying to wait him out in HOPES that he ONE day MIGHT get sober...........and how more disappointment you can stand while you wait.........
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