eyeshake

Hi All,

I'm feeling especially crippled right now by my thoughts and anxiety right now. I'm on day 45, and I feel like such an emotional mess right now. I'm terrified to leave my bed. My roommate is in the kitchen right now, and I'm scared to walk in there because I don't want to talk to him.

I just came back from an AA meeting, and I feel so alone. I can relate to others' stories, etc, but I just wish someone would come talk to me at the meetings. I see the same faces, and they seem to avoid me for whatever reason. I'm guessing it's the toxic vibes I'm giving off.

There are moments when I wish I could just get some relief from myself because right now the struggle certainly doesn't seem worth it. I hate to admit it, but I'd rather drink myself into oblivion than deal with being in my own skin these past few days.

least

Congrats on 45 days sober! It takes time to get settled into sobriety. Early recovery can be rough for a while. Whatever you do, don't drink, or you'll be right back at square one.

Hevyn

Eyeshake, Please know that this is normal for many of us.

I remember feeling very fragile in the early days of recovery. I'd been drinking every day for a long time - everything seemed surreal. It all got better as I healed. Today drinking rarely crosses my mind. You will get there - stay with us.

Carlotta

Like Least and Hevyn say, early sobriety can be difficult. Hang in there with us and don't drink no matter what.

Two suggestions

a) Have you considered looking into guided meditation or relaxation? Youtube has plenty of those and some of them are really good. It will help you with your anxiety and also to feel more centered.

b) A lot of alcoholics are quite shy and also some AA meetings are more friendly than others. Maybe consider going to a smaller one or even better: next time, when you go just make a point of smiling at two ot the people you recognize and ask them:
how are you doing today?
Or if someone shared they were in poor health or just had a new grand baby or anything like that which is pretty innocuous why not show some interest in them and tell them:
How are you feeling today?
How is the grand baby doing?
Just some small talk... try to do it in the form of an open question so people can engage with you and not just give you a yes or no answer.
No one will reject you or be rude to you and they might actually be happy that you remembered something about them and are interested in them.

I seriously doubt that you are emitting "toxic vibes" btw just that you might need some practice getting out of your shell.
Congrats on 45 days and keep up the good work

Carlotta

Ps: give yourself a break but if you keep feeling agoraphobic by like 6 months sober you might want to go check with your doctor. It is possible that you have an anxiety disorder or some mild depression, no shame in that and there are non addictive medications which can help.

D122y

Eye,

Headed towards 10 months here.

My AA meetings felt a bit clicky. My perception. Didn't really give it a fair shake. I have been to 5 meetings since I quit boozing.

I still want to have the door available w AA.

But, i think about it. ....

If the folks running The AA meetings were perfect....they wouldn't be alkys.

Anyway...I still deal w crazy bouts of anxiety every day.

I am used to it. I know it will get better.

Take care of yourself. Fight for your life. I found sober activities to enjoy.

Guitar, push ups, tv programs....etc etc..

Now that we are not wasting time getting drunk, passing out, and then dealing w a hang over....we have so much more quality time for life...

We are physically free. The mental part could take a while.

Thanks for the post. Hope my response helps you a bit.

Dee74

Have you tried approaching people @ meetings, or is that beyond you right now eyeshake?

D

SoberLife90

I am pretty shy too. I was at an AA meeting earlier and I didn't see many good friends of mine. The meeting was okay. I got me through the day sober, but certain meetings are better than others.

Do you have. Sponsor? If you don't I'm sure someone would love to sponsor you. Anyways it's time for bed. Goodluck with that and please don't drink! Your decision to stop drinking is the best decision you ever made.

2muchpain

Congrats on 45 days!! That's a huge accomplishment!!!! You should give yourself a big slap on the back for that.
As far as drinking to just get away from yourself, the problem with that is that you'll eventually have to deal with yourself again, but be in worse shape to do it. Really not worth it and I think you know that.
I know it can be hard to get engaged with people at AA meetings. And I doubt your giving off a toxic vibe. I've never seen anybody walk into an AA meeting early on in their recovery dancing and singing. Whatever state of mind your in when your at those meetings is probably pretty much normal for any newcomer.
Maybe you could try doing little things, like saying hi, how's it going, stuff like that to break the ice. Maybe offer to get coffee for the person sitting next to you while your filling your cup. Offering to set the room up or break it down after the meeting would be appreciated.
Also, try different meetings. I was surprised how different each meeting can be. It's also fantastic that you relate to the stories, because many people don't connect to them and stop going.
Sounds like your doing great. I'll bet you that in another month, you'll feel much better about things. Good things are coming. Just try to hang on. John

SportsFan15

Eyeshake, I am extremely outgoing and I currently struggle with the same fear of approaching people. It sounds like I just said two opposite things....and I think that's the nature of early sobriety. I am the type to "know no strangers" yet early recovery is a time with a head filled with doubt, shame, self loathing and LOTS of negative self talk.

So even an outgoing person is experiencing thsee things.....I hope it's reassuring to know that you are not alone in this and its not something deep down that is flawed in you....and are very unlikely to be putting off toxic vibes.

The more I read posts the more I realize:

1. we are not alone
2. It gets better and easier!

Soberwolf

I felt a bit like this on day 45 mixed feelings fear of the future & stuff

if you ever want to talk drop a pm friend

eyeshake

I appreciate everyone's responses. I stayed sober, but I still feel emotionally raw. So far, sobriety has been pretty horrible. The only reason I'm pursuing it is out of hope that it'll get better. I feel like the Death Star exploding these days.

least

It will get better, I promise.

firstymer

I am sorry, eyeshake. I know things are hard for you right now. Know that you are among friends and that we are concerned about you.

I remember feeling the same way after I separated from my wife of 20 years. Everything was just .... off .... if you know what I mean. My world was upside down. My anxiety was through the roof.

I found a counselor. Actually looked him up in the Yellow Pages. It helped immensely. It was the best $60 I ever spent.

Don't be afraid to reach out. To us. Or to a counselor. Or to a medical doctor.

It's worth it. YOU are worth it.

eyeshake

What's interesting is how much easier the first month was. I guess that's typical.

Bunny211

Hey there. I'm also in the Boston area. Might I suggest going to a meeting of the Beacon Group? Lots of really great sobriety there.

The Beacon Group | Beacon Group AA

I also know a good amount of people in the Newton area AA. Are you male or female? Going through sobriety alone is hard. You need someone to walk by your side!

MIRecovery

I would try some different meetings . In the groups I go to newcomers are treated like the prodigal son.

One bit of wisdom I might suggest. In early sobriety I thought others should flock to me because my goodness I'm me. At 90 days sober my flock had one member, me.

Over the years I have realized in order to have friends you have to be a friend. I had to reach out an genuinely care about what was going on in others lives. Amazingly the more I gave the more I got. Today I am surrounded by a group of amazing people that I am proud to call friends.

One other thing you have to realize is the vast majority of people don't stick around. They come for a week, a month or 6 months and disappear. It hurts me every time someone dissappears. I am nice, welcoming and helpful but to protect myself I don't get emotionally evolved until I'm pretty sure the person wants to get sober because many come to AA only because their butt is on fire

Carlotta

You might also be going through a little touch of PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome). I was blessed not to get them but many do. Put PAWS in the search box, I know there has been quite a few good posts about that

eyeshake

I believe I am experiencing some PAWS. The whole anxiety/aggression post-exercise resonates. It's probably for the best that I see a specialist at this point.

mav

Hi eye shake. With 45 days that would put you in the January class here. Feel free to join us if you like

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-6-a.html