Wisconsin

Disclaimer: I have major dental work scheduled for tomorrow. Anything dental scares the ever-loving crap out of me, and right now I am in total adrenal overdrive with anxiety. So that may be playing a role in what I'm feeling.

Now, on to the meat of what I want to say:

Now that I've been out for six months, and am generally feeling good about my recovery, I notice that every time I encounter something new or foreign (or something that lost its familiarity during the insanity of the past five years), it feels like a great big test. A test for me, or a test for someone I care about.

For example: my DD16 has had the same boyfriend for over a year. He is a very nice kid, and their relationship seems to be relatively healthy for a high school romance. She gets frustrated with him sometimes, because she doesn't think he is totally straight with his mother about the fact that they are pretty serious after a year together. We were talking about it last weekend, and I encouraged her to talk to him about how she is feeling, in a non-dramatic way. And all week I have been on tenterhooks about it. Will she talk to him, or swallow her feelings? If she DOES talk to him, will it escalate into a highly emotional fight, or can they have a healthy dialogue about it? And yes, I realize this is not my business really, but the whole thing feels like the first big test of how she's doing since we moved out. It feels like a test of how I'm doing as a parent now that we're on our own.

Every interaction I have with difficult people at work feels like a test--a test of my own recovery, and of whether my sensitivity to certain behaviors is starting to ease up with time and distance from STBXAH. I feel like I'm assigning much more importance to the significance of things than is really appropriate, and I'd love some ESH on why this might be going on up there in my brain...

Does this sound totally bonkers? Am I the only one who feels/felt this way during recovery?

LexieCat

No, it doesn't sound bonkers, but it does sound a bit, um, hypervigilant. Your daughter and her b/f may or may not have a mature, reasonable conversation about this. They are teenagers. As long as no one goes truly off the deep end, you (and they) can chalk it up to learning to be an adult (which, as we all know, isn't always painless or easy).

I think the way you're feeling has to do with normal adjustment to the REAL world, as opposed to the world when you're dealing with insanity on a more-or-less daily basis. Six months is still fairly early on. So I'd try not to attach TOO much importance to it. If it persists to the point where it seriously troubles you, maybe talking to a therapist would help.

But for right now, I'd say it's just a product of adjustment.

DesertEyes

Ok. So who is the imaginary test-grader in this imaginary test? Are you fearful of "failing"? Are you fearful of being judged based on the results of the "test"? Who is the imaginary "judge"?

Teenagers? A healthy dialogue? Good heavnes if you have teens that can have a healthy dialogue about romance you could go on Oprah

I helped raise a teenage daughter, and two of her girlfriends that social services couldn't place anywhere cuz they were teens. I can't recall a _single_ healthy dialogue from that crew about romance, or much any related subject. Their school, their part time jobs, that sort of objective stuff they were pretty healthy at a young age. But when it came to boys and romance it was a lost cause and _major_ expenditure on kleenex and drama.

Nope. I think Leixe might be right. Perhaps you are simply re-targeting your alanoid hyper-vigilance to a different source of danger. Just because you got rid of your ex does not mean you got rid of the "reflexes" that kept you sane when he was around. Kind of like a mild form of PTSD, if that makes sense.

Nope. It took me awhile to get rid of my own hyper-vigilance. I actually felt very uncomfortable with the _absence_ of chaos and continuous crisis management. I felt like I was failing at being a good husband and protecting my wife from the dangers of the world. Which was completely irrational cuz we were _divorced_ and living 500 miles apart, but the "reflex" was still there.

Mike

Wisconsin

Thanks so much, guys--that makes a lot of sense. I've been wound pretty tight since the holidays ended. Time to drag out the yoga mat and spend some time doing things that relax me and help me meditate.

To answer your question, Mike, the judge is me. It's always been me.

FireSprite

I definitely am nodding along with all the points already made but I don't thing you're too far off base thinking of it as some sort of "test".

Putting my recovery to work every day in situations that aren't just related to my qualifiers is where the rubber meets the road, you know? Once I had enough awareness to be able to observe my own rising judgments & emotions in reaction to those around me, it taught me a lot about my triggers, my limits, etc. Especially when it came to developing new relationships with boundaries in place from the start. It helped me to differentiate between when I was acting & reacting. My actions tend to come from a neutral place while my reactions are emotionally charged.

I experience that PTSD feeling that Mike described mostly around my FOO; it has gotten better with RAH but so have his behaviors, so there's less triggering me in that area right now.

It's hard when it's our kids too - the lines get even blurrier, don't they? There's a lot to be said for saying your piece & letting her find her own path even if she chooses to not talk to him. Maybe she NEEDS to go through this experience because it's part of a series of low-impact-learning-opportunities for her to build on. (I'd feel differently if we were talking about her safety here, like her chatting with some random internet creep.)

The best way to get through to her, IMHO, is to model that behavior in your new relationship. I've read it over & over & over again - our kids are more likely to emulate what they see in our behavior than what we "tell" them, no matter how many times or how emphatically we say it.

Is this the same DD that recently participated in the documentary experience?

findingme26

Just wanted to give you hugs of solidarity re: dental work. I am the same way about going to the dentist. Apparently I'm super resistant to the numbing shots along with bein super sensitive to nitrous. Great combo! I always go home woozy with my face completely paralyzed for the entire night because they have to give me so many shots to get me to where I can't feel the drilling.

Hope it goes smoothly for you and the recovery is quick!

MsPINKAcres

sending you lots of pinkness for the dental work today

I know for me - after leaving - I was a little guarded about doing anything "unhealthy" relationship wise ever again - in any relationship ~
So I think I over compensated - over analyzed - over everything -
my sponsor reminded me - I'm a different person now - I KNOW different - I have the tools - even if the "disease" comes after me again - I know the way out!

Hang in there my friend - you got this!
PINK HUGS!

Wisconsin

Thanks so much, everyone. FS, yes, this is the same DD who is participating in the documentary series. She's a pretty amazing kid.

I am so sensitive to making mistakes. That's totally true. Part of it is because I just don't want to feel that kind of pain again. But a lot of it is that I don't want to put my KIDS through that kind of pain again. I carry so much guilt over what they went through during those last couple of years.

I survived my dental work today, too. I started to panic about 2/3 of the way through what turned out to be 3 hours of work, but the dentist was great and let me take a break. And it actually also made a difference to NOT be living with STBXAH during this dental go-around. He totally made fun of my dental fear, and that just made it worse.

FireSprite

She sounds absolutely amazing!

So, then, this isn't realllllllly the...

...after all, is it? She's already showing you signs of recovery growth in such great ways, I don't doubt for a moment that she's "getting there" pretty darned quickly. My own DD is too little for dating yet (thank god) but I already know that that part of her development is likely to be some tricky, trigger-y ground for me & I'm selfishly glad to have some time before we get there.

Wisconsin

You are absolutely right, of course, FS. I suppose I just fixated on her boyfriend-ish stuff, because of how guilty I feel for modeling such unhealthy relationship behavior for so long.

FireSprite

Of course! I could absolutely see myself feeling/reacting the same way.

The awesomeness is that you see these things & realize it's more about you than her. You are getting stronger EVERY day W, you've come incredibly far in SO little time.

hopeful4

Glad the dental work is done!

I project my guilt at times as well. It's something I have to catch myself on and be careful about, because it seems to only hurt myself in doing so.

Hugs to you!