JLOBYXMAS

So I see here over and over again people recommending Al Anon. I've been to several meetings, and they really just didn't seem to fit for me.
Anyone else have this problem, did you overcome it or what else did you do to help with your recovery. I'm already in individual therapy.

Liveitwell

Have you checked out celebrate recovery?

AnvilheadII

it's not a requirement and we won't take away your SR membership card!!! it's like anything else, works for some, not for all. like me and YOGA.....don't get it, don't like it, and there ain't nuthin' ZEN about it.

Is it the format or the "program" that you come up against? meaning, it's the group face-to-face setting OR the 12 step concept?

Cynical has this article posted in her blog (which is chock FULL of excellent reading!)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ernatives.html

lostangel011

I had a horrible experience with it actually. I tried multiple different meetings and found the people to be selfish and unfriendly and unwilling to connect. I went in and shared honestly and from the heart sometimes in tears and all but begged for support and told them I felt alone. Each time no one came up to me after a meeting and one time I even walked to the woman in charge of a phone list at that particular meeting... her respones "well I am out of phone lists at the moment but if you want to talk I guess I could give you my number" Thanks but no thanks!

Found ONE meeting where the women were loving and supportive but it was at 10am on a weekday and I work so its not like I can attend that one. Got a few numbers but it was always me calling in a crisis no one ever calling just to check in on me (I am 15 years sober and in AA found women who loved me and reached out to me as much as I reached out the them) Al anon I found to be horrible. Called central office and asked for help with meetings and told them what happpend and their answer was even better (not!). They wrote to me and said Alanon is the best program there is and if I am not finding it at the meetings perhaps find another county and go to theirs" Like I am going to drive an hour to another county for meetings.

However if you ask what I am doing for my recovery instead it is a big I don't know what to do. Therpists help, but I am pretty much alone and in pain and struggling

hopeful4

I have been to Alanon, but Celebrate Recovery is where it clicked for me. I think it's a personal choice. It's really great that you are in individual therapy, that's where you should really dig deep!

I hope you find a group!

dandylion

Perhaps, ask the therapist to suggest a group that is geared for your specific needs.....?

dandylion

Hangnbyathread

It didn't fit for me either. The biggest benefit I got from it was seeing a room full of stories that were so similar to what I was experiencing, it gave me the resolve to know I was getting out of my relationship for sure. It was also helpful to be able to have a place to go to talk, or not talk or just be somewhere were people understood why we needed to not be at our home being miserable.

I had hoped it gave me some new magic tool to help me help my ex stop drinking, and save our relationship. I didn't need 12 Steps. or God, or coping tools. It was like my last way of finding out if I was missing something. What I saw was people facing years of this. While I felt pain for them, I wasn't about to look at years of this.

Like you I was also in individual therapy prior to going there. And from that is where I had already seen the light that I wasn't the problem or wasn't causing the problem. It was there that the light of addiction was shed on my ex.

I would never tell anyone not to go to Al-Anon because they may take away from it much more value than I did. But it isn't a magic bullet.

Don't feel bad it didn't work for you. There are more than a few that have felt this way.

JLOBYXMAS

I'm not sure what didn't feel right to me, but I'm a pretty outgoing person, and am open to new experiences, I've gone to AA meetings and they made more sense to me then AlAnon. I'm not opposed to the higher power, but when they were reciting the 12 steps it didn't seem like they really made sense for the other side of the equation which is those that are attached to an alcoholic.
Additionally, some of the stories seemed really petty to me, not to diminish anyone's experience, everyone has their own perspective, but after some of the things that I've been through with my AH, the young woman that was there because she felt that her mother (who she didn't live with) drank too much wine at dinner, felt like I was on another planet. At the time my husband was in the hospital in a coma from an accident incurred while drinking.
I didn't know about celebrate recovery but now that it's been mentioned I think there is a meeting not to far from my house, I've seen the billboard. i'll check it out. Thanks.
Glad to know that I'm not the only one that didn't feel like AlAnon was a good fit.

atalose

When I first started al-anon it didn't click didn't feel right. There were woman there that had been going for years and years and I just wasn't getting it or understanding why they were still going. I would go then I would stop then go back again. I began to understand my reasons on that I was really going to those meetings to get the alcoholic in my life to stop drinking, I wasn't going for me. When life with the alcoholic got calm I stopped going and then when things were chaotic again and I was at my wits end I'd go again.

With the help of SR and some very wise people here I truly put the focus on me and not the alcoholic and those meetings began to make more sense to me. The more I explored me and my why's the steps made allot of sense and working the program for ME has been a major benefit to my peace and happiness.

I think we all need to find what works for us and I don't think we can find that until we ACCEPT that us is all we can ever fix

mylifeismine

You tube videos of this counselor discussing co-dependency, the origins,
the bottom line of it all, the narcissist personality, etc. has helped me.
Codependency | The Human Magnet Syndrome

I do go to alanon, some meetings are eh, but some are very helpful.
I go for me and me alone. I have given up trying to control people
or outcomes.

He is the one (for me) who framed co-dependency as an addiction (compulsively doing the same behaviors or staying in a relationship that harms you) and our fear of being alone and inability to love ourselves.

redatlanta

I had to shop around Al Anon to find a meeting I liked.

IMO Al Anon works best if you work the step program. If you don't work the step program I think its really limited to a "get it off your chest" kinda thing only.

Try CR, there are no rules here regarding support. You may click there. The important thing is to continue to seek out something that WILL work for you because it IS out there.

CodeJob

The 12 steps are a method to learn about yourself and untangle why your relationship happened, how your past experiences and social milieu likely primed you for a relationship with an alcoholic, and what is wonderful and strong about yourself that you can build on for a healthier future.

I'm not sure if you've really turned inwards to work your own recovery?

Have you read Codependent No More? That one book changed my perception about codependency and helped me see where I had to change my life approach for my own sanity. My sanity. Someone really working on Codependent issues eventually realizes they are doing this for themselves, not their addict. Investing time in yourself is difficult and scary, but can reap a lot of peace and understanding.

A lot of codependents shake one addict relationship and then wind up in another. You see this here on SR pretty regularly. That signaled for me the problem lay with me too - not only my recovering husband.

Take care of you. You are worth the time investment.

Aeryn

I too found AA meetings more productive than Alanon (when I attended I would go to double winner meetings alot instead of Alanon or ACOA meetings). I have issues with dealing with controlling people so when I went to Alanon and the "advice" started to flow whether it be indirect via a share or direct I would just get turned off. I think the reason is I dealt with a codependent NPD mom during my childhood so dealing with others with codependency issues was hard for me. Alanon is not for everyone.

HOWEVER I did find one meeting I liked better than the others so I would attend that one for support (it was an ACOA meeting).

So my ESH would be to try maybe a double winner meeting or an ACOA meeting and see if maybe those fit better. As long as you feel good about your recovery and the steps you are taking it doesn't matter what others think (that's my humble two cents).

Carlotta

My experience with Al Anon was excellent but just like AA, groups can vary widely and some groups are not very friendly.
You have us on SR, CR is a good suggestion also you could also check out CODA (codependent anonymous) which is another 12 step program for friends and family. Hopefully, they will be friendlier than the Al Anon crowd in your area

TexasWoman123

I could have written this.
TW.

jukeboxjane

Yes I agree your therapist will likely know of other groups. Most hospitals, addiction centers, and community health centers host family groups (or at least list area resources). I found one I really like at a local hospital (unaffiliated just title a Family Group, through their addiction unit) and I started asking people there which area meetings they liked.

You could see if there are any SMART Recovery places in your area too.
smartrecovery.org

That is a shame about unfriendly Alanon members and seems antithetical to the nature. If you find a few people you like, focus on them and not on the negative people. It's like life! Ask them what other mtgs they go to. For people who have been going awhile it seems clicky (sp?) to newbies but like they say, keep going back!

How many groups did you try? Alanon says to try 6. I went to 5 before I was able to see which ones clicked. If I based it only on the first mtg, I never would have gone back. The people were nice but it was small and no diversity.

JLOBYXMAS

Thanks all, sage advice.