MAYA1

Hi everyone,
I am curious if (ex) addict ever apologized to you for stress he/she caused to you in period during an active addiction?

I broke up with my boyfriend 2weeks ago and am fine to break up and not be in touch. I don't even know if my ex boyfriend is doing well sober (as he planned) or is back on drugs right now.

I can't wrap my head about him not apologizing. Sometimes I think he might do it in few months while totally sober? But I dont want to wait for something that might never come.

Thank you x

hopeful4

If you are waiting for an addict to apologize it may be the longest wait of your life.

I am going to share something I just saw recently, it came with a photo of a lion.

It says,

"I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received."

It is a wonderful, and very accurate, saying.

zoso77

No.

And if I got one, I neither accept it nor believe it.

It is not necessary to receive an apology from the addict in order to live a healthy and fulfilled life. We're responsible for our own well being, and our own well being should not be a function of whether sick people own up to being sick.

least

I never got, or expected to get, an apology from my abusive exbf. I forgave him for my own good, but don't expect any remorse from him.

AnvilheadII

but didn't he already say "I'm sorry" for one thing or another along the way? and did THAT change anything?

i'd rather wait to be voted first official resident of Mars..........

IF a person enters 12 step recovery and IF they commit to the program and follow the steps in order and with as full comprehension as possible at the time, they MAY by steps 8 and 9, decide whether an amends to YOU is necessary and then what form that amends might take. the only thing tougher than accepting addiction and making the decision to get sober and STAY sober is to face those we have harmed and become willing to make full amends. this means not only to loved ones, but to employers, neighbors, landlords, enemies, the IRS and the law. it takes a lot of GUTS and many go a little "skinny" on this step - Became willing to make amends to them ALL

sianlee

I've had a few apologies over the years namely in letters from prison.
It was never his fault though. He blamed it on the drugs and other people he mixed with.

BunnyNest

Yes, but just from one of my qualifiers, and I have many.

He was well over a year sober, went through all the steps, worked a model program and has turned his life around.

Let me tell you, it was very underwhelming. Despite his recovery, the times that he hurt me was a total alcoholic haze for him. He really has no idea of the incredible depth of the pain and abuse. He can't know. He was drunk. The amends were really for the more minor things along the way.
I don't rehash the other stuff.

I accept that and expected that because I have worked very hard on my recovery. I did not need his amends or apologies.

Bekindalways

Well, my qualifier did get sober and years late (I think it was about 10 years), he told me I did the right thing when I left him. It wasn't really an apology and I honestly don't think he really grasped the pain I went through.

Our lives have been so separate and I see it as a miracle that he has even survived. I have forgiven him as I believe he was doing the very best he could even when his actions caused me immense pain. Most of the pain came from my own delusion about the relationship and the way reality works.

cloudyskies

That's all true, but they still owe apologies all around, whether you choose to accept or not. I'm probably one of the few on this forum that considers their plight a "condition" rather than a "disease." I think its disingenuous to put "addiction" in the same category as someone suffering from malaria or Ebola.

I'm most irked at how they pull the wool over society's eyes as "high-functioning" addicts. Truly galling.

MAYA1

I'm probably one of the few on this forum that considers their plight a "condition" rather than a "disease." I think its disingenuous to put "addiction" in the same category as someone suffering from malaria or Ebola.

I'm most irked at how they pull the wool over society's eyes as "high-functioning" addicts. Truly galling.[/QUOTE]

I absolutely agree with you.
As for the apology. I don't need an apology but we broke up under such a weird conditions after I was fully supporting him for months that some thanks and sorry would have been nice. Although it would not change the whole situation.

It's just the weirdest and hardest way to loose someone.

Anyway thanks all of you for your input.

Vale

They can keep their "sorry's "

(We can keep our lives)

Priscilla84

But could you put it in the same category as depression, bipolar? That's where I categorize it. It doesn't at all give an addict a pass to behave any reprehensible way and then blame it on a disease without taking any responsibility, the same way depression, etc doesn't excuse someone's actions. Such mental diseases skew the way a person views the world and handles life. It's a heavy influence on behavior, but not an excuse. There is still some decision going into how they handle others in their life, in a way. So I empathize, I understand, and I'm angry...all at the same time.

zoso77

I believe that in order for us to recover, we have to let go of being "irked", and we also have to let go of having any expectations that the addict will become a responsible person. In a purely probabilistic sense, it is unlikely to happen. Once you accept that, then what the addicts owes us is far less consequential than what we owe ourselves...

Bekindalways

I'm behind what Zoso said here 1000%.

Although going through a time of being "irked" or heart broken, or angry or confused or whatever emotions clobber your life is normal and is hopefully, the beginning of the road to acceptance of the reality of the condition/disease/addiction.

hopeful4

I also agree with Zoso, and with Vale.

I learned to have absolutely 0% expectations of my XAH. I am tied to him b/c we share children, or I would not even speak to him at all.

I am never surprised by his bad behavior, never. I never expect an apology, even though me and my children are owed HUGE apologies. What I do know is that I deserve a happy life, so do my kids. We won't ever have that while being tied to his alcoholic behavior. There comes a time you turn them over to their higher power and pray for them.

I forgive for my own well being, and I encourage my children to do the same. I have made sure they are educated about addiction for their own understanding, and so that we all know that none of this is our fault.

Bekindalways

Hopeful, how long did it take for you to reach the 0% expectation?

CaringScared

Once I started getting vociferous apologies, it didn't matter, I had already mentally moved on.

cynical one

MAYA,

Have you apologized to yourself?

Fior

Well that's an interesting idea. I just did it. (Seriously)
I hadn't thought of that. and I said it out loud.

It actually made me feel better. Like I was taking care of myself just by acknowledging.

Thanks for the idea.

cynical one

For me- forgiving myself, apologizing to myself, and making amends to myself was by far the very hardest part of my recovery.

Some are thinking ‘what do I have to apologize to myself for, I didn’t hurt me, he/she/they did'.

*I* abandoned myself. *I* compromised myself, my values, my morals, my mental/emotional/physical/financial well-being. *I* allowed myself to be treated horribly. *I* lost confidence in myself. *I* put myself in situations, around people places, and things where I should have never been. *I* didn’t trust my own judgement and instincts. *I* looked for outside validation instead of relying on my own. *I* believed others words over what *my* eyes saw. *I* didn’t nurture the (freaking amazing) woman that I am. *I* didn’t take care of the life that my HP (God) gifted to me.

*I* did all of that to myself, nobody else did.

After months of recovery, I went back to where it all began. I hit my knees and let that little inner child bawl like a baby and I forgave, and I sincerely apologized, and I made a vow to myself to learn from it and never repeat. And, from that night forward I started making amends…to myself.