lilly54

I haven't been here in awhile and I am grateful for the email I received yesterday reminding me you are here.

3 weeks ago my husband came home from work and started packing his bags, he left, just moved out. He has 10 months sober and has been struggling with being in our marriage, saying he needed to move on and erase everything from his past from his current life including me. I am struggling to keep it together, to understand his decision to not blame myself (as he keeps telling me it wasnt my fault) he has said he no longer loves me but cares very much for me. I have given up or lost everything over the last two years to make sure he was okay(yes, I know that wasnt what I was suppost to do) and now that he has 10 months (hasn't been sober this long in 11 years) he leaves and thinks that he is doing me a favor by giving me $200.00 a month for bills and refusing to see me face to face because it is to hard and painful for him.
I am so hurt and angry and need to have someone to just talk to who understands instead of hearing "&^%$& him or you'll find someone else...
Anyone with any helpful words?

Peaches04

Hi lilly. I just wanted to give you my support. I know you are hurting so much, and for that I am sorry. I think if I was you, I would just pull myself up, look in the mirror, and think "okay - this is my life...it is going to be what I make it". Try to forgive him, for YOU, and let him go. You never know, it may just be the best thing that ever happened to you! Have faith honey! Your HP is looking out for you. He may decide he made a terrible mistake and come back - and when/if he does - YOU may decide it was for the best. You never know...but, take care of YOU - YOU deserve it. I know your heart must feel like it is physically hurting - I know I'm not alone in saying it will get better...it will be better. YOU can be better too - but, that's up to YOU. I took me a long time to realize that - and work on it every day. But, the truth is - "if it's to be, it's up to me!". Hang in there...cry those tears, see your inner beauty, and move up and on. My thoughts are with you!

lilly54

Thank You Peaches04, just when I think I can't cry anymore a million more tears arrive, my heart aches so bad that I think it will physically break and my mind spins so fast I think it will never stop and let me sleep. I think in so ways I have already forgave him but in others I don't know if I ever will. He is trying to be nice but hurtful at the same time, the reality of him walking out and asking for a divorce affects more than my emotions and he can't understand that. We have a home and bills that he doesn't feel he should have to help with...because he has his own bills now that he has moved out....I didn't ask for this and I am getting stuck with the fall out of it all,,I feel cheated, screwed, lied to and every other feeling that there is and then I get so emotionally drained that I just want him to come home and for things to be back like they were,,,,but I know that isn't the answer....I just wish the pain would go away and that I wouldn't have given up so much...
Thanks for letting me vent...it is helping

Peaches04

I hear you...and vent away! I so know the feeling. You were loyal and put up with his crap and he threw you away...that is how you are feeling? But, maybe - that's just a feeling? and they keep telling me that sometimes feelings are not reality. Maybe, just maybe, your HP decided you had been through enough and it was better for you H to leave, so you could have peace. Your A could go spiraling down again, and now you wont have to go through it all again. Get a good divorce lawyer and look out for yourself. I know it's all easier said than done... Don't worry about the money and the bills...it will all work out, it always done. Maybe there are huge opportunities you can focus on now, that before, you just couldn't see... I don't know. It makes no sense and it hurts so bad and seems so unfair. But, you will be okay...have faith. I can tell you now that someone asked me sister (a recovered addict) how you find faith, and she said you have to be so low, that to not have it, would be death. So find your faith... you will make it!

lilly54

Yes, I feel like yesterdays newpaper...well read (and used) then used to line the kitty litter, glad I don't have a cat....
I don't think his is going to relaspe...maybe,,,but he made a point of now that he is back on tract he needs to move forward, he is back to work after 2 1/2 years, back to school working towards his masters in psychology? with a speciality in achololic behavior and he also has gotten his C.A.C 1 and 2 license to start interning as a councelor,all of this in 9 months,,, he is so proud of himself but he forgets that even though he is doing all these things, it was I who lost a high paying career and a home because of his drinking,,and it is I who am having to start over again,,alone with miminal help....it's like a huge slap in the face......a good lawyer is what I am going to have to do....he has said he wont pay any alimony...just a little each month until the divorce is final....money really isn't the issue I guess, just makes it hurt more knowing that he is being so cold hearted and self seving

lilly54

I sound like I am having my own private pity party here and I really don't mean to sound that way, just trying to figure the "why" of it out. I really thank everyone for "listening....

Peaches04

That's what we're here for - and we will all gladly attend your party, if it means you will leave happy and ready to take on the world...or at least today!

Gabe

Hey Lilly,
My ex walked on me too. He wasn't particularly sober at the time. And there really wasn't much left of our marriage. But I felt a huge sense of betrayal and anger. I felt stupid for all the times that I stuck it out with him when he crashed and burned. I got stuck with tons of fallout, most of all explaining to our son why Dad wasn't going to be living with us anymore. Then there was all the financial fallout. All I can tell you is that you will make it through to the other side of this. I know it probably doesn't feel that way now. Keep working through your feelings. Keep talking to people. Most of all, take this one small step at a time.
Big hugs,
Gabe

lilly54

I am thankful that we don't have any children. That would be unbearable..I am sure I will get thru the financial fallout some how, it just doesnt seem like it right now...Betrayal is a good word...the week before he walked out he told me that everything was so much better and he was glad we were still together and things were finally on the up for us....then he leaves...I hate being told thing just to buy time, that is so unfair.......

lilly54

everyone please keep posting...it really helps..I will be back shortly...thanks again

lilly54

can anyone tell me what hte little green button is that says Im somewhere near the basment and what that means please

best

Little green button? The one on the lower left corner of the screen?
That is saying on line. Blue is saying not on line.

OK want to hear from a ()*()*&(*& and #@^$#@# that was the one who walked out?

Why did I do it?
Started to focus on the negatives of life. When we direct our focus we magnify things out of proportion.
I became selfish, pigheaded, rude, disrespectful ME ME ME became my life style.

Once I came to terms with my issues and grew up... I also came to realize just how wonderful a wife I have been blessed with. She isn't perfect, she has issues she could do well to work on... But she is perfect for me and I will keep her.


When he says it isn't you, it is him... Well that may be one total truth he has said but still needs to learn the truth of his own words.
It IS all about him. Till he wakes up... he will remain with wanting it to be all about him.

I moved out May of 98, filed for divorce May of 2000. Stopped the divorce with 10 days before it became final. Was forgiven and welcomed back home and we celibrated our 25th together the very next month. The past 4 years have been the best 4 of all 29.

Kit

I'm sorry to hear about your sadness. I don't want to be judgemental, but I think your husband sounds like a person whom you can do without. Look at all the negative crap you have gone through. Do you feel just a tiny bit free?

kfa2004

Been there. Still in the throws of all the hurt and betrayal. My AH left (still drinking) and took up with his Best Friends Wife. Everything was all my fault he had no problems at all.

Best - Thank you for your post. It helps to hear from the other side.

Hugs
Kat

Teggie

(((Lilly))))
I can relate to the pain your going through. I wish I could say the right words to make it all seem better but I can't. I went through a similar situation, my AH walked out on me and our kids when I was very depressed and at my lowest. It was horrible to say the least and the only thing that held me together was my kids, my family and finding al-anon. It was the toughest thing I have ever had to endure. I can only tell you that things will get better, but right now you have to focus on you. My AH and Best have alot in common, turns out my AH was doing the same thing, going through a "Me" stage. It's hard to try to make ourselves focus on us, it just doesn't come natural to peeps like us, but it's something we have to learn to do. We're here for you, keep the faith, my prayers are headed in your direction. Hugs, Teggie

ChillGal

Lilly

Sometimes life is just not fair. I really feel for you right now. What is it with these guys?? My AH was headed to the same place. This was after he was in recovery for 3 years. He had decided that he was recoverd now and now I was the problem. I started going to Alanon meetings, joined up here and reading everything I could. I still go to Alanon meetings but I have also come to realize it is not me - it is him. I have gotten in the habit now of reminding him that "It is not all about him". I find that listening to others that it seems a lot of people in AA go through this. I guess we have gone through all the S*(T with them and now they think we are their problem. I don't know maybe it is just the fact that seeing us everyday they have to face what they have done. We wouldn't still be here if we didn't forgive them, right? I just think my husband was blaming me for all of his past. I would not got through it again if he started in that mode again. His saying to me was I have a right to be happy. We ALL DO. You get yourself a good lawyer - even if it doesn't go that far you have to let him know that you are going to take care of you. I know it just doesn't seem fair but you hang in there and as others have said you focus on YOU. Take care.

lilly54

Thank You everyone....it helps more then you'll ever know but then again you all do know..Best, it is nice to hear it from the other side...What you said fits with what I see going on with him....I am trying my best to be strong and take care of me, today has been a better day but still hard,,,and it makes it harder when he calls for nothing important then is cold and rude then turns it on me,,,but oh well,,,I again thank you all for your responses..keep them coming..

Lilly

jessieandme2003

I think that is a smart thing to realize.

I know my AH was like that an awful lot.

So therefore when he missed me or needed me at a given time, he was the most loving affectionate perfect-for-me guy.

When I was somehow in the way of what he wanted at a given time, I was the worst wife possible and I was the problem in his life.

I kept reacting to those individual experiences and things he would say. But when I look at it all as a collection, I see clearly how it was just all about him, and about him at that given moment in time.

Even after separating, I would get a phone call one day about how I was the biggest B*tch and didn't know how to treat a man, etc etc because he wanted money and I said no.
Then a day later when he had no one else to talk to and get praise from about how he won the horseshoe tournament, he'd be calling me all friendly like the previous call never happened. If I mentioned the previous call he'd brush it off real quick as something I did to make him mad at the moment, but he didn't mean any of it.

He really does live in the moment, and he only ever gave when giving returned him something he wanted (sex, affection, a warm safe place to live).

I think someone gave great advice when they said you might as well focus on you while he is in his Me stage. You've probably been too focused on him for a long time.

Petunia

Lilly,

When my husband told me that he was leaving it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. In the beginning my mind would spin with thoughts of "how would I..." and "how could he...". I cried alot and ate less, lost a few pounds and continued to see my counselor. And one day it hurt less. I cired less, looked at my newly minted figure and went to see my counselor. I paid the mortgage, changed over the water, electric, phone, cable bills and went to see my counselor. Some days I would cry at work but then the day came when I didn't.

I am happier now than I ever was then or would have been. I agree that sometimes our HP sends us situations that may seem wrong at the time, but will provide us with an opportunity to free ourselves.

I freed myself from a load of self-doubt. I built my self-esteem. I learned that I wasn't half a person when my first husband left. I learned that I still mattered and that I had friends that were my friends not his. I learned that I could support myself, and a home and probably a dog if I had had one at the time.

At the time I wanted to rush through the pain but in hindsight it was the pain that kept me from losing my grip. I knew that if I felt sad that I hadn't lost myself completely.

I am glad that you are here. I'm glad I read your post b/c you helped to remind me of what I've accomplished. Thank you Lilly - you're sharing was more important than you might ever realize.

Peace for today b/c it's all we've got -

Petunia

jessieandme2003

Petunia, that was beautifully written. That described my emotional process when my AH left also, and I am also now happier and more of a person than I ever was then. All I can say is

Petunia <-- "What she said."