Disappointed

Just an update on how things are going. Since I was last here, alot of things have occurred. Some good and some not so good. The good news is I'm going to be grandma again!!! The not so good news is they will be living with me for right now. We haven't told the A the good news because he will have a fit and he will blame me. It will give him a reason to go on a binge. His drinking is really taking control of him. He is missing work and it's becoming very difficult when he gets his call to go to work. This past Monday he decided to go get drunk knowing he had to go to work, so he went to work drunk. Drove to work about 60 miles and then got in a big truck and drove another 500 miles. What's really mind boggling is what he said to me this morning, he told me it was my fault that he went to work drunk, that he should have stayed home. Not that it was his fault for getting drunk... If it wasn't such a sad situtation, you could almost laugh... but I don't laugh anymore... This past weekend he said that there is nothing that makes him happy anymore. He is always down and he always brings you down with him. He keeps saying he wants to sell our house and build a new one but I won't commit to anything because of his instability and when I tell him that he gets very angry and withdrawn at me. What am I suppose to do?

Peaches04

Hi disappointed... Congratulations on the new baby! What wonderful news! I'm sorry things have gotten bad for you...I feel your pain. In reading your story, the thing that keeps coming to my mind, is for you to remember to take care of you - and detach, detach, detach, detach. Don't listen to his rambling about it being your fault...find that peace in your mind where you KNOW it wasn't your fault. Think about the beautiful gift God is sending you. Here is a thought that keeps me going and energizes me .. I come from an abusive home and as a consequence, grew up to be a Class A Codependent. I'm so good at it! and I'm so sick, I've realized, because of it. My sisters both struggle with other issues too. Anyway, you know the slogan "let it begin with me"... I try to live that..but, the version that motivates me is "This stops with me"..meaning I will NOT let this pattern of unhealthy behavior be passed down to my children. It gives me something to fight for, even when I feel like I'm not. Have faith...look for signs - smiles, beauty in nature, the perfect moment - look for it. Listen to yourself and maybe you will find a way to peace. My thoughts are with you...

Gabe

It's not your fault, sounds like you know that. Blame shifting is a very effective tool for people who refuse to be accountable for their actions. He wants to sell the house and build a new one? Oh yeah, I remember ideas like that. My ex was forever coming up with ideas about "new beginnings" that were going to get him sober and happy again. You are very smart to not want to commit to anything with him because of his instability.
Now, here's the deal. He can only bring you down if you let him. And I know that it's hard not to, when you've got someone singing the blues to you all the time. Not to mention, blaming you for those blues as well. But buying into his drama is only going to bring you down.
Take the focus off him and put it on you. Focus on the things that bring you joy, and do those things as often as possible. One step at a time, you can tune out his drama and start building a life that is about happiness...your happiness.