ObstructedView

I haven't posted here in a few years, but a lot has happened and I need some help...

Last year my high-functioning AH went on a bender, scaring me and almost losing his job in the process. During this time, I filed for divorce. He went to rehab for 3 months, successfully completed it, then returned to work. He almost immediately returned to drinking.

We physically separated last year, but are still legally married and we were working on our marriage. The drinking was the main issue, but we both had other issues that needed work, as expected after many years of marriage and kids.

I was done when AH got drunk at one of our children's birthday party and passed out after cake. I informed AH that I wanted to finalize the divorce. We were both sad, but he took it well and things have been good.

The court order states AH cannot drink with the children. He watched the kids today, and when we met for dinner and to exchange, he was not sober. I know he takes strong sleeping pills at night, and I believe he also takes antidepressants and anxiety meds. He had been drinking and I suspect he mixed one of his meds.

I drove him home from dinner, but I am reeling that he drank and drove with the kids. Legally, I will be taking the right steps to protect the children, but I'm at my breaking point. Even though we are divorcing, I still love and care for him, and he is drinking himself to death. He is deeply depressed, and I know the divorce isn't helping his depression. As his wife (for the moment) I can try to force him to get help, but we all know how well that works.

I have spent so many years trying to "fix" the problem, not fixing it for the past two years has been a big step for my codependency and for my personal sanity. He almost lost his job, he lost his home, he lost his wife, he sees his kids minimally (and likely less now), I don't know where his rock bottom is. I'm following all of the "right" steps and he's still drinking and I'm terrified for him and our kids. It will destroy them if he is gone. I don't know what to do, and not doing anything doesn't feel right.

Live2FAD

Hello Obstructed... thank you so much for posting.

I tried to turn away from your post several times, but I just couldn't. As a recovering alcoholic, a father, and someone who grew up in an alcoholic family, I completely understand your turmoil and, at the same time, I know exactly what he is thinking too (or lack of thinking is more appropriate).

First and foremost do everything you can to protect the children.

I hate to admit that I, too, drove while intoxicated with my children in the car (breaking every one of my own rules on drinking). My disease of addiction (alcoholism) automatically placed everything in my life in second place at BEST. My wife, my children, my job, my home, my bills -- everything was subservient to my primary need for booze.

And alcohol exaggerated or caused more anxiety, depression, lack of proper sleep, lack of diet, lack of emotional ability, lack, of empathy... the list is long... but I couldn't see it. I had an inkling of the effects my addiction was having, but that was too painful to face -- and alcohol was my solution to drowning those feelings of shame and guilt as well.

You are absolutely correct in that you cannot 'fix' him -- as heartbreaking as that is. But, you can protect your children. Keep them, and you, away from that bottom. Like a panicked, drowning person, he may take anyone and anything down to his bottom with him -- not even knowing he is doing so.

I know this isn't much, but the one thing you can tell him is simply this: "You don't have to live like this."

It is not my place to tell you or your children what they need, but I can share that -- in some fleeting moment -- I had an "awakening." What my children needed wasn't a father -- it was a GOOD father. If you can suggest to him that he isn't meant to be what he is now, that may at least get him thinking. Beyond that, take care of those children and take care of you.

Your post sounds as though you may have already attended a support group like Al-Anon. If not, please consider doing so. If so, lean on them. You are not alone by any means.

You will definitely be in my prayers every morning and night. You are welcome to PM anytime and I will be happy to share whatever I can from my side if it will help.

FeelingGreat

Hi OV, try to keep it simple and take action on the things you can control. You know you can't control him, and he can't be trusted with the children any more. That makes you sad, but it's not your journey.

I'm surprised you don't sound angrier about his disregard for the safety of the kids. Did you say anything to him at or after dinner, and if you did, did he admit to drinking? The fact that his life is pitiful at the moment doesn't give him a pass to put others in danger.

I'm sorry it's gotten so bad, and it's a pity that a good person can't seem to get himself together enough for recovery, but he has medical help and he knows where to go for treatment. I hope he will find his way there. I did.

schnappi99

Depending on the drugs involved; xanax or ambien, they can multiply the effect of alcohol; one drink can have the effect of 3 or more, and the effects can still be there the next day. One of things that really confused me before recovery was how my wife could split one bottle of wine with me over dinner, be sober before and staggering drunk when we were done... xanax & booze. Then there were the mood swings & aggression related to alcohol and ambien. There were also cases where she had the xanax or whatever the day before, took nothing the next day but within one drink she was nearly passing out, slurring speech etc.

Its a nasty business, bad as it would be to separate the kids from him, having them live with that is worse IMHO.

ObstructedView

I just realized I never replied to this... Of course I'm angry, and I forced him to admit that night that he'd been drinking and he drove our kids after drinking.

I'm also sure I'm not alone here in knowing how to "handle" a drunk. It does no good to push them while drunk. As angry as I was, I needed him to get in my car or at least give me his keys so he wouldn't drive at that point. I was angry for so long, I've stopped being "angry". For being angry. I channel it into action.

As an update to that night, I threatened him with sole custody. I forced him to admit the situation - funny how they can't admit how bad it is. He kept claiming nothing has happened, like risking their lives was no big deal. He hasn't been alone with the kids since, all visits are supervised.

The divorce is final tomorrow. I'm sad. I'm hurt. But I'm also done crying. He knows where we are and what he needs to do to get us back. Maybe we will still be waiting, maybe not. But I'm going to be the best mom I can be to my kids and work on loving myself more.

Hawkeye13

Wishing you peace--I think you handled it all beautifully.
I hope he chooses to get sober but meanwhile your children have
a safe and happy home and a loving mother to protect and care for them.
That's a wonderful thing so many of us growing up with alcoholics did not have.

ObstructedView

Thank you. I've made so many mistakes, I feel this is the "best", and I pray I don't screw it up. I'm still praying he gets sober daily. I told him I'm done asking him to get sober for me, but him seeing the boys unsupervised requires him getting sober for them.

HoldOnLoosely

I wish you peace, too. Separation/divorce is a difficult decision to make. You did what was best for you and your children.

And, everyone makes mistakes. So, please go easy on yourself. Life's complicated, and we play the cards we're dealt to the best of our ability. I doubt any of us hobbled through the maze of alcoholism perfectly.

You are in my thoughts.