child custody saga, update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Did I do the right thing?
As some of you know, I left my AH in November, after 20 years together and 6-7 years of trying to convince him to get into recovery. He insisted on shared custody of our 3 kids (9, 13, 15), and I felt like I needed to get out before I could fight him on that. Also my kids and I discussed not getting into the car with someone who's been drinking, calling or texting me or 911, etc.
He and I started mediation a month or so ago but hit a snag on sobriety monitoring.
The mediator sent us to a co-parenting mediator, who helped us reach an agreement that we would both do sobriety monitoring, though I have no history of alcoholism, no substance abuse issues, etc.
Before signing, I took it to my attorney who said I shouldn't sign it because it set an inaccurate and potentially damaging precedent and implication, that both of us have issues with alcohol. She pointed out I could risk losing custody if I had a false positive or forgot a test, etc.
So she and I edited out the part about me doing sobriety monitoring too, and my AH refused to sign the agreement.
Now I guess I'm going to court to try to make my case. And . . . I'm nervous. That it will be hard to prove given that he has no DUIs, no job losses, etc. What I do have my years of journals and emails with friends as well as a copy of his doctor's report that says "diagnosis: alcoholism."
I'm also worried that my attorney--who my AH told me his attorney told him "is bad news as she uses questionable tactics and might drag our divorce out for two or more years "--may have different motives (money) than me (the security of my children, which also includes not creating too much rancor between their father and I, and not bleeding us dry).
Did I just make the proverbial mistake of going for two birds in the bush rather than the one bird I had in hand?
As some of you know, I left my AH in November, after 20 years together and 6-7 years of trying to convince him to get into recovery. He insisted on shared custody of our 3 kids (9, 13, 15), and I felt like I needed to get out before I could fight him on that. Also my kids and I discussed not getting into the car with someone who's been drinking, calling or texting me or 911, etc.
He and I started mediation a month or so ago but hit a snag on sobriety monitoring.
The mediator sent us to a co-parenting mediator, who helped us reach an agreement that we would both do sobriety monitoring, though I have no history of alcoholism, no substance abuse issues, etc.
Before signing, I took it to my attorney who said I shouldn't sign it because it set an inaccurate and potentially damaging precedent and implication, that both of us have issues with alcohol. She pointed out I could risk losing custody if I had a false positive or forgot a test, etc.
So she and I edited out the part about me doing sobriety monitoring too, and my AH refused to sign the agreement.
Now I guess I'm going to court to try to make my case. And . . . I'm nervous. That it will be hard to prove given that he has no DUIs, no job losses, etc. What I do have my years of journals and emails with friends as well as a copy of his doctor's report that says "diagnosis: alcoholism."
I'm also worried that my attorney--who my AH told me his attorney told him "is bad news as she uses questionable tactics and might drag our divorce out for two or more years "--may have different motives (money) than me (the security of my children, which also includes not creating too much rancor between their father and I, and not bleeding us dry).
Did I just make the proverbial mistake of going for two birds in the bush rather than the one bird I had in hand?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think your attorney made some good points. It DOES suggest you have an issue with alcohol, yourself. AND poses a risk in terms of your forgetting, etc.
Perhaps a fallback position (if it feels like things are going to get too ugly/dragged out) would be to limit the monitoring to a set period of time, provided there is full compliance on his part and no reported incidents of his drinking while he has the kids?
Perhaps a fallback position (if it feels like things are going to get too ugly/dragged out) would be to limit the monitoring to a set period of time, provided there is full compliance on his part and no reported incidents of his drinking while he has the kids?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
-who my AH told me his attorney told him "is bad news as she uses questionable tactics and might drag our divorce out for two or more years "--may have different motives (money) than me
Trust your guts - your ex's motives sound the same as they always were: protect the ability to drink.
Good luck SK - I think you absolutely did the right thing.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I wouldn't give much if any weight to the opinion of your AH or the supposed opinion of his attorney about yours. Its your attorney you work with them what are your thoughts? Do you have any indication that the Attorney isn't looking out for your best interest?
Sounds like to me your attorney is looking out for YOU. Why in the world would you agree to sobriety monitoring as it DOES make it look like you have an issue with alcohol yourself. Had you signed it you could have perhaps won a battle, but lost the war later.
A medical diagnosis of Alcoholism along with your journal should be sufficient.
Sounds like to me your attorney is looking out for YOU. Why in the world would you agree to sobriety monitoring as it DOES make it look like you have an issue with alcohol yourself. Had you signed it you could have perhaps won a battle, but lost the war later.
A medical diagnosis of Alcoholism along with your journal should be sufficient.
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