sad and misunderstood
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
sad and misunderstood
I havenīt posted in a while because I got back together with ABf against everyoneīs sound advice. And the thing is, itīs been two months and he hasnīt been verbally abusive, no rants, nothing. He treats me only with kindness. So it seems he is making an effort to respect that boundary.
However - thereīs always an however, isnīt there? - the drinking hasnīt stopped, if anything it has gotten worse. And it is so hard to see him deteriorate. At least when he was a jerk I could be angry and not care, now I just feel a sense of loss and pity for what couldīve been a great fulfilling life (his). His finances are shaky, he doesnīt have much of a social life, insecure job situation... but heīs still in denial about his drinking.
Saturday evening we were having dinner at his place, on the balcony (Iīm in the southern hemisphere, itīs summer here) and he had been drinking a lot, as usual. I went inside for a few minutes and when I got outside again he was sitting in his chair, in his boxers, and peeing. He wasnīt wetting his clothes, but still. He was wetting the floor of his balcony as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. It was a huge shock for me, I didnīt know how to react, he looked as if he had given up on himself and didnīt care. When I commented on it he just said it was perfectly normal, went to bed and fell asleep soon afterwards.
He called me the next morning and didnīt remember what he had done, when I told him about it he laughed it off though Iīm sure he wasnīt happy about it because he avoided the subject afterwards.
Anyway, I couldn`t avoid mentioning this to my parents today. I was so upset I just blurted it out when we met for sunday lunch. I probably expected some relief from talking about this experience, but it was a terrible mistake. Where I was concerned about what it meant about my Bfīs level of alcoholism, they saw it as a lack of respect for me. I tried to explain he didn`t do it to be offensive, but they said it was unjustifiable and how dare he treat me like that and blah blah. I donīt know, am I missing something here and was that really disrespectful to me? Iīd say he was so drunk he just didnīt care if he wet his balcony.
Anyway, this encounter made me feel extremely alone and isolated. Afterwards my mom questioned me why I got together again with him that afternoon (we went swimming, nothing bad happened). I felt she was being judgmental and told her so (Iīm in my 40s and old enough to make my own decisions), but it didnīt make a difference. So now Iīm on bad terms with my parents.
I understand they want the best for me and everything but their reaction didnīt help me at all. I can see how I could end up very alone by maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. Iīm wondering if someone else has felt like this? Itīs like everyone around me thinks itīs great that Iīm in a relationship until they realize heīs an alcoholic. So yeah, I do feel like hiding it now.
However - thereīs always an however, isnīt there? - the drinking hasnīt stopped, if anything it has gotten worse. And it is so hard to see him deteriorate. At least when he was a jerk I could be angry and not care, now I just feel a sense of loss and pity for what couldīve been a great fulfilling life (his). His finances are shaky, he doesnīt have much of a social life, insecure job situation... but heīs still in denial about his drinking.
Saturday evening we were having dinner at his place, on the balcony (Iīm in the southern hemisphere, itīs summer here) and he had been drinking a lot, as usual. I went inside for a few minutes and when I got outside again he was sitting in his chair, in his boxers, and peeing. He wasnīt wetting his clothes, but still. He was wetting the floor of his balcony as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. It was a huge shock for me, I didnīt know how to react, he looked as if he had given up on himself and didnīt care. When I commented on it he just said it was perfectly normal, went to bed and fell asleep soon afterwards.
He called me the next morning and didnīt remember what he had done, when I told him about it he laughed it off though Iīm sure he wasnīt happy about it because he avoided the subject afterwards.
Anyway, I couldn`t avoid mentioning this to my parents today. I was so upset I just blurted it out when we met for sunday lunch. I probably expected some relief from talking about this experience, but it was a terrible mistake. Where I was concerned about what it meant about my Bfīs level of alcoholism, they saw it as a lack of respect for me. I tried to explain he didn`t do it to be offensive, but they said it was unjustifiable and how dare he treat me like that and blah blah. I donīt know, am I missing something here and was that really disrespectful to me? Iīd say he was so drunk he just didnīt care if he wet his balcony.
Anyway, this encounter made me feel extremely alone and isolated. Afterwards my mom questioned me why I got together again with him that afternoon (we went swimming, nothing bad happened). I felt she was being judgmental and told her so (Iīm in my 40s and old enough to make my own decisions), but it didnīt make a difference. So now Iīm on bad terms with my parents.
I understand they want the best for me and everything but their reaction didnīt help me at all. I can see how I could end up very alone by maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. Iīm wondering if someone else has felt like this? Itīs like everyone around me thinks itīs great that Iīm in a relationship until they realize heīs an alcoholic. So yeah, I do feel like hiding it now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by bluelily 
His finances are shaky, he doesnīt have much of a social life, insecure job situation... but heīs still in denial about his drinking.
I can see how I could end up very alone by maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. Iīm wondering if someone else has felt like this? Itīs like everyone around me thinks itīs great that Iīm in a relationship until they realize heīs an alcoholic. So yeah, I do feel like hiding it now.
I can see how I could end up very alone by maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. Iīm wondering if someone else has felt like this? Itīs like everyone around me thinks itīs great that Iīm in a relationship until they realize heīs an alcoholic. So yeah, I do feel like hiding it now.
I'm glad to hear that he's been treating you better recently, but the common wisdom is that {a} old habits die hard, and {b} alcoholism is a progressive disease, things get worse over time the longer the alcoholic protects their addiction and he's still very much protecting his. He could very easily go back to his old ways, all it takes is one bout of 'drunken recall' of some event or conversation that set him off in the past.
I felt alone and isolated when I was together with my AXW too. I don't mean to criticize, but your desire to make things work out with your ABF seems to be having negative consequences on your own life and family relationships, to the point where you're considering 'hiding the problem'. This is an addiction mentality: when a person chooses to engage in an activity that causes them to suffer negative consequences but chooses to engage in the activity anyway, especially to the extent that they feel the need to hide things from friends and family, we call that an addiction. In cases of codependency, we become addicted to our addicts, they become our drug of choice. I certainly went through that, and it sounds like you might be getting a bit of that too. Have you looked in to attending any Al-Anon meetings?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bluelily......I can't add much to Thomas45's post......
But, I would like to say th at you might want to go easier on your parents....
While they may not know song and verse about the effects of alcoholism on the mind and body (who does, unless they have studied it?)....as parents, a natural first reaction is to be concerned for the effects on their child....
I think that you are asking too much of them to care more about some boyfriend of one and o ne half years---over the welfare of their own child who they gave birth to and cared for...for over 40yrs..
Now, one could say that I am a bit prejudiced, because I have three grown children....I know, first hand, that the first reaction is always to be concerned for the welfare of one's child......
I would say that your boyfriend's first reaction is not concern for your welfare...but, rather, to protect his drinking....That is what the denial is all about, in the first place....to avoid facing the facts so that he can continue to drink without suffering the consequences or seeking sobriety.....
Maybe, ask yourself---who cares the most about your welfare....your boyfriend or your parents?
Yes, I think your are beginning to realize how alcoholism can begin to isolate you.....it is a destroyer of relationships and families.....
I wish I knew a gentler way to tell you this.....
dandylion
But, I would like to say th at you might want to go easier on your parents....
While they may not know song and verse about the effects of alcoholism on the mind and body (who does, unless they have studied it?)....as parents, a natural first reaction is to be concerned for the effects on their child....
I think that you are asking too much of them to care more about some boyfriend of one and o ne half years---over the welfare of their own child who they gave birth to and cared for...for over 40yrs..
Now, one could say that I am a bit prejudiced, because I have three grown children....I know, first hand, that the first reaction is always to be concerned for the welfare of one's child......
I would say that your boyfriend's first reaction is not concern for your welfare...but, rather, to protect his drinking....That is what the denial is all about, in the first place....to avoid facing the facts so that he can continue to drink without suffering the consequences or seeking sobriety.....
Maybe, ask yourself---who cares the most about your welfare....your boyfriend or your parents?
Yes, I think your are beginning to realize how alcoholism can begin to isolate you.....it is a destroyer of relationships and families.....
I wish I knew a gentler way to tell you this.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm assuming you don't have children. If you did, you'd better understand their reaction. Not being abused is a pretty low threshold for what one should expect in a relationship. Alcoholism only escalates. Whether he "intends" to treat you badly or not, ruining a romantic dinner by stripping down to his boxers and peeing on the balcony IS disrespectful. Suppose you got together with your gal-pals and you got so drunk you did something like that. Would it shock you if the invitations stopped after that?
Regardless of his intentions, this is how you can expect to be treated as long as you stay in this relationship. Is that OK with you?
I agree with Thomas, that your reaction to your parents' reaction (upset with them, upset with yourself for telling them) is troubling. The problem isn't that you told them, nor their reaction, but what he did in the first place. If you're objective about it (hard to do), which is the "abnormal" reaction--theirs or his (laughing it off)?
You're terribly disturbed about his denial, but it appears yours is almost as strong. You see something wrong with his drinking, but not with its effect on you and your life.
It's really hard to face these truths, but facing them will save you even more pain down the road.
Hugs,
Regardless of his intentions, this is how you can expect to be treated as long as you stay in this relationship. Is that OK with you?
I agree with Thomas, that your reaction to your parents' reaction (upset with them, upset with yourself for telling them) is troubling. The problem isn't that you told them, nor their reaction, but what he did in the first place. If you're objective about it (hard to do), which is the "abnormal" reaction--theirs or his (laughing it off)?
You're terribly disturbed about his denial, but it appears yours is almost as strong. You see something wrong with his drinking, but not with its effect on you and your life.
It's really hard to face these truths, but facing them will save you even more pain down the road.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
look at this from the outside:
His finances are shaky, he doesnīt have much of a social life, insecure job situation... but heīs still in denial about his drinking.
the drinking hasnīt stopped, if anything it has gotten worse
he was sitting in his chair, in his boxers, and peeing.
and you find it odd that your parents are worried about YOU????
His finances are shaky, he doesnīt have much of a social life, insecure job situation... but heīs still in denial about his drinking.
the drinking hasnīt stopped, if anything it has gotten worse
he was sitting in his chair, in his boxers, and peeing.
and you find it odd that your parents are worried about YOU????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Anyway, I couldn`t avoid mentioning this to my parents today. I was so upset I just blurted it out when we met for sunday lunch. I probably expected some relief from talking about this experience, but it was a terrible mistake. Where I was concerned about what it meant about my Bfīs level of alcoholism, they saw it as a lack of respect for me. I tried to explain he didn`t do it to be offensive, but they said it was unjustifiable and how dare he treat me like that and blah blah. I donīt know, am I missing something here and was that really disrespectful to me? Iīd say he was so drunk he just didnīt care if he wet his balcony.
Anyway, this encounter made me feel extremely alone and isolated. Afterwards my mom questioned me why I got together again with him that afternoon (we went swimming, nothing bad happened). I felt she was being judgmental and told her so (Iīm in my 40s and old enough to make my own decisions), but it didnīt make a difference. So now Iīm on bad terms with my parents.
I understand they want the best for me and everything but their reaction didnīt help me at all. I can see how I could end up very alone by maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. Iīm wondering if someone else has felt like this? Itīs like everyone around me thinks itīs great that Iīm in a relationship until they realize heīs an alcoholic. So yeah, I do feel like hiding it now.
Straight up....what you wanted was for them to agree with you, not actually voice their opinion. You wanted them to sympathize with his progressive alcoholism. When they didn't agree with you, you went on the defensive, pulled the "I'm an adult card", and relegated their opinion to the trash can.
To think that a parent would endorse staying in this relationship is ludicrous. To ask them to sympathize with the alcoholic over what's best for you also ludicrous - YOU are their child. What this is, is a mirror of your inability to detach yourself from unhealthy, codependent behavior in sympathizing with his progressing alcoholism and your need to "help" him, rather than help yourself . Their reaction is normal....yours isn't.
When an alcoholic is at the point that they are urinating on themselves that's pretty deep in. Yes it will be isolating - he has no desire to socialize, and frankly doesn't appear to be able to considering. I doubt anyone friend or family will be supportive of your continued participation in the relationship - that will also be isolating for you.
Let go or be dragged - I simply don't see anything positive here for you. You are babysitting a drunk adult.
Anyway, this encounter made me feel extremely alone and isolated. Afterwards my mom questioned me why I got together again with him that afternoon (we went swimming, nothing bad happened). I felt she was being judgmental and told her so (Iīm in my 40s and old enough to make my own decisions), but it didnīt make a difference. So now Iīm on bad terms with my parents.
I understand they want the best for me and everything but their reaction didnīt help me at all. I can see how I could end up very alone by maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. Iīm wondering if someone else has felt like this? Itīs like everyone around me thinks itīs great that Iīm in a relationship until they realize heīs an alcoholic. So yeah, I do feel like hiding it now.
Straight up....what you wanted was for them to agree with you, not actually voice their opinion. You wanted them to sympathize with his progressive alcoholism. When they didn't agree with you, you went on the defensive, pulled the "I'm an adult card", and relegated their opinion to the trash can.
To think that a parent would endorse staying in this relationship is ludicrous. To ask them to sympathize with the alcoholic over what's best for you also ludicrous - YOU are their child. What this is, is a mirror of your inability to detach yourself from unhealthy, codependent behavior in sympathizing with his progressing alcoholism and your need to "help" him, rather than help yourself . Their reaction is normal....yours isn't.
When an alcoholic is at the point that they are urinating on themselves that's pretty deep in. Yes it will be isolating - he has no desire to socialize, and frankly doesn't appear to be able to considering. I doubt anyone friend or family will be supportive of your continued participation in the relationship - that will also be isolating for you.
Let go or be dragged - I simply don't see anything positive here for you. You are babysitting a drunk adult.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I cleaned up so much urine, vomit and blood when I was with my ex. This post triggers me quite a bit. Because he used to do exactly what you described. Literally just sit and puke or pee where he was. No effort to even get to a toilet, sink or garbage can. Then sleep and a blackout and his personal slate was wiped clean (after I cleaned up the mess, of course).
My bar for acceptable behavior was set really rock bottom low, and it sounds like yours might be as well. I'm sorry that you don't feel you deserve more from a relationship. I also settled for scraps and crumbs from my ex, gobbling up those little morsels of hope and kindness that he rationed out. I clung to that, the way you're clinging to the fact that he hasn't verbally abused you for 2 whole months.
I couldn't see how much I needed help. More than I needed an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. Please check into some Alanon meetings and maybe individual counseling for yourself to figure out why you're settling for this. You deserve much better than he is capable of giving.
Who did clean up the pee, btw? I think I probably already know.
My bar for acceptable behavior was set really rock bottom low, and it sounds like yours might be as well. I'm sorry that you don't feel you deserve more from a relationship. I also settled for scraps and crumbs from my ex, gobbling up those little morsels of hope and kindness that he rationed out. I clung to that, the way you're clinging to the fact that he hasn't verbally abused you for 2 whole months.
I couldn't see how much I needed help. More than I needed an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. Please check into some Alanon meetings and maybe individual counseling for yourself to figure out why you're settling for this. You deserve much better than he is capable of giving.
Who did clean up the pee, btw? I think I probably already know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Thanks everyone for your comments, though theyīre hard to take in.
And ladyscribbler, blood? That mustīve been extremely painful.
First thing, I didnīt clean up the pee, I just went home after that. But I do always do the dishes for him (which is actually the one household chore I do enjoy, honest).
I do have children - theyīre 15 and 12 - and Iīve been feeling like a lousy mother for setting a bad example for them. They donīt interact with my bf but of course they must sense Iīm not in a healthy relationship.
What upsets me the most about my parents is that I feel itīs easy for them to condemn my relationship because theyīve always had it easy in that area. Iīve had to hear a lot of opinions in the line of "you could have a nice bf if you wanted, but you always like the bad guys" and "you believe nice men are boring, donīt you?". So itīs like Iīm the one asking for trouble. But the truth is, I have liked "nice guys" only they never liked me back! After many years trying to change my supposedly unhealthy mindset I realized I canīt make others like me and I have to just welcome and be grateful for whatever kind of affection comes my way, even if itīs from an alcoholic.
This must all sound like I have a very bad self esteem but I just feel like Iīm unlucky. There must be something like bad luck, doesnīt it? Life canīt be all a projection of our minds, thereīs things you just canīt control.
And ladyscribbler, blood? That mustīve been extremely painful.
First thing, I didnīt clean up the pee, I just went home after that. But I do always do the dishes for him (which is actually the one household chore I do enjoy, honest).
I do have children - theyīre 15 and 12 - and Iīve been feeling like a lousy mother for setting a bad example for them. They donīt interact with my bf but of course they must sense Iīm not in a healthy relationship.
What upsets me the most about my parents is that I feel itīs easy for them to condemn my relationship because theyīve always had it easy in that area. Iīve had to hear a lot of opinions in the line of "you could have a nice bf if you wanted, but you always like the bad guys" and "you believe nice men are boring, donīt you?". So itīs like Iīm the one asking for trouble. But the truth is, I have liked "nice guys" only they never liked me back! After many years trying to change my supposedly unhealthy mindset I realized I canīt make others like me and I have to just welcome and be grateful for whatever kind of affection comes my way, even if itīs from an alcoholic.
This must all sound like I have a very bad self esteem but I just feel like Iīm unlucky. There must be something like bad luck, doesnīt it? Life canīt be all a projection of our minds, thereīs things you just canīt control.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think bad luck happens to everyone now and then. I think when the same KIND of "bad luck" keeps happening, you have to look somewhere besides the Fates. Maybe you're unknowingly setting up barriers that push away the nice guys. Maybe you come off as clingy or wanting to settle down too fast. There are lots of possibilities. None of them are things you can't change if you want to.
I'm happily single for the foreseeable future. I really don't have any desire to be in a relationship at this point in my life. I'll never say never, but it would have to be someone pretty danged awesome to get me to give up my space and freedom. I'm not suggesting you should be the same way. But I CAN tell you that being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is WAY lonelier than being in no relationship at all.
Seems to me like some therapy might help you see what patterns you might have that are causing problems in finding a healthy relationship. Meantime, stop selling yourself short. You deserve WAY better than this.
I'm happily single for the foreseeable future. I really don't have any desire to be in a relationship at this point in my life. I'll never say never, but it would have to be someone pretty danged awesome to get me to give up my space and freedom. I'm not suggesting you should be the same way. But I CAN tell you that being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is WAY lonelier than being in no relationship at all.
Seems to me like some therapy might help you see what patterns you might have that are causing problems in finding a healthy relationship. Meantime, stop selling yourself short. You deserve WAY better than this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by bluelily
I realized I canīt make others like me and I have to just welcome and be grateful for whatever kind of affection comes my way, even if itīs from an alcoholic.
But it doesn't follow that you then "have to just welcome and be grateful for whatever kind of affection comes my way, even if it's from an alcoholic." Alcoholics (and other addicts and deeply troubled people) are incapable of giving true affection. They may love what you can DO for them--sleep with them, have someone they can show up to social events with, make them feel OK about their dysfunctional selves (because, after all, SHE loves me)--but they can't love you for just being you. They are too selfish and self-absorbed to give anything to anyone but themselves and their addictions.
Think about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
This must all sound like I have a very bad self esteem but I just feel like Iīm unlucky. There must be something like bad luck, doesnīt it? Life canīt be all a projection of our minds, thereīs things you just canīt control.
Sure anyone can get a lemon, maybe two. If they are all lemons then its probably an issue with you, not with them. Its fallacious to say "I have liked nice guys, they didn't like me back" Really? All normies don't like you? The only people who like you are people with problems (bad boys)? I'm more inclined to believe you are attracted to people with problems. Are you are a fixer? Someone that is a fixer doesn't necessarily have bad self esteem - they have control issues. Red flag. Codependent? Very. You pick a broken person, let them become dependent on you, then spin your wheels trying to fix them.
It sounds like you are dismissing your parents opinion based on their (apparent) healthy relationship. If anything, their successful relationship merits attention to advice. I'd rather take advice from someone who has had a successful marriage rather than from someone who divorced, or never married..
Sure anyone can get a lemon, maybe two. If they are all lemons then its probably an issue with you, not with them. Its fallacious to say "I have liked nice guys, they didn't like me back" Really? All normies don't like you? The only people who like you are people with problems (bad boys)? I'm more inclined to believe you are attracted to people with problems. Are you are a fixer? Someone that is a fixer doesn't necessarily have bad self esteem - they have control issues. Red flag. Codependent? Very. You pick a broken person, let them become dependent on you, then spin your wheels trying to fix them.
It sounds like you are dismissing your parents opinion based on their (apparent) healthy relationship. If anything, their successful relationship merits attention to advice. I'd rather take advice from someone who has had a successful marriage rather than from someone who divorced, or never married..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Regarding your statement that nice guys don't like you, so you have to settle for whatever trash is left over--bluelily, a while ago I realized that every single relationship of any duration that I'd been in as an adult had been with someone who was an alcoholic or had a similar pattern of dysfunction to one. First thought? "Oh, poor me, my dysfunctional family of origin didn't equip me to know how to have a healthy relationship!"
Second, and more reasonable and useful thought? "You know, I always met people in party-like situations, came across as a fun girl, knocked myself out to make them like me whether the things I did were really 'me' or not, got deeply involved in a big rush before we really knew each other, and then after we had kind of settled into a relationship, I began to revert to the way I really am, and that is not very much like a party girl." And not all that surprisingly, the troubles would begin...
I'm not saying this is you, but it's a recent revelation to me that it certainly IS ME--again, first thought? "I feel ashamed, that is stupid, how could I do that all those times and never catch on?"
Second, more reasonable and useful thought? "Well, having had this realization, I will do everything I can to present a more accurate picture of who I am when I am meeting people from here on in. I will take my time in getting to know them and in letting them get to know me. It's clear that a part of the problem was always ME, and that part I can fix, if I work at it."
Don't know if any of that might resonate w/you, but that's where I'm at. And as Lexie posted, there is nothing wrong w/being on your own. This is the first time I will have done so for any length of time, and I think it's going to be OK--beyond OK, actually, really GOOD.
Second, and more reasonable and useful thought? "You know, I always met people in party-like situations, came across as a fun girl, knocked myself out to make them like me whether the things I did were really 'me' or not, got deeply involved in a big rush before we really knew each other, and then after we had kind of settled into a relationship, I began to revert to the way I really am, and that is not very much like a party girl." And not all that surprisingly, the troubles would begin...
I'm not saying this is you, but it's a recent revelation to me that it certainly IS ME--again, first thought? "I feel ashamed, that is stupid, how could I do that all those times and never catch on?"
Second, more reasonable and useful thought? "Well, having had this realization, I will do everything I can to present a more accurate picture of who I am when I am meeting people from here on in. I will take my time in getting to know them and in letting them get to know me. It's clear that a part of the problem was always ME, and that part I can fix, if I work at it."
Don't know if any of that might resonate w/you, but that's where I'm at. And as Lexie posted, there is nothing wrong w/being on your own. This is the first time I will have done so for any length of time, and I think it's going to be OK--beyond OK, actually, really GOOD.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by bluelily
But the truth is, I have liked "nice guys" only they never liked me back! After many years trying to change my supposedly unhealthy mindset I realized I canīt make others like me and I have to just welcome and be grateful for whatever kind of affection comes my way, even if itīs from an alcoholic.
Real, lasting happiness doesn't come from your partner, or your friends, or your family. It comes from within you when you are content with the way that you choose to live your life. And a huge part of being content with yourself is valuing your health and emotional well-being enough that you don't need the attention of an addict to give you a sense of validation or feeling of self worth. This is what I believe your parents are trying to convey to you in less straightforward terms.
I would definitely reiterate that you may benefit from looking into joining some Al Anon meetings, and possibly some personal counseling to talk about your relationship perspectives. There is no shame in seeking self-betterment, there is only the shame we feel when we willingly inflict further unhappiness upon ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I couldn't help but think of this when I read your post:
Ask Polly: Why Don?t Men I Date Ever Love Me? -- The Cut
It's a little long-winded, the situation isn't necessarily an exact match with yours (although there are some parallels). There is also a LOT of swearing, so if that isn't cup of tea, you may just want to skip over to the last three paragraphs (although there are swears there too). But I wish I had those last three paragraphs when my heart was aching and broken.
Ask Polly: Why Don?t Men I Date Ever Love Me? -- The Cut
It's a little long-winded, the situation isn't necessarily an exact match with yours (although there are some parallels). There is also a LOT of swearing, so if that isn't cup of tea, you may just want to skip over to the last three paragraphs (although there are swears there too). But I wish I had those last three paragraphs when my heart was aching and broken.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Thanks for all your input everyone though I do feel things are a bit more complex than it seems. For instance, before this relationship I did spend a long time being single, I was actually 5 years without any relationship whatsoever, not even dating much. I learned to appreciate my peaceful uneventful life, so when this former boyfriend from my teens suddenly showed up I was a bit reluctant to get involved with him. I told him I wanted to take things slow, as we practically didnīt know each other after more than 2 decades apart. But he was really set on us being together and I did like him.
It has been very stressful, as you probably have all experienced yourselves with your own As. At the same time, in a way I do feel responsible for him because Iīm so much better off in my life at the moment. Well not responsible but more like Iīm the grownup and heīs clinging to my skirts and I have to help him. Perhaps I am too protective overall, I also take care of stray animals whenever they show up. Of course, this guy is a grownup himself and Iīm not really helping him like this but I canīt help feeling sorry for him when heīs so lost, if you know what I mean.
As for my parents, I donīt know if they are such a great example, they did have a marriage of about 30 years but they both had several extramarital affairs while they were together. This made me very unhappy, growing up (I did sense something was up though of course it wasnīt done openly). But anyway, thatīs what I meant about relationships being easy for them - no real commitment and vulnerability if they were involved with other people simultaneously.
It has been very stressful, as you probably have all experienced yourselves with your own As. At the same time, in a way I do feel responsible for him because Iīm so much better off in my life at the moment. Well not responsible but more like Iīm the grownup and heīs clinging to my skirts and I have to help him. Perhaps I am too protective overall, I also take care of stray animals whenever they show up. Of course, this guy is a grownup himself and Iīm not really helping him like this but I canīt help feeling sorry for him when heīs so lost, if you know what I mean.
As for my parents, I donīt know if they are such a great example, they did have a marriage of about 30 years but they both had several extramarital affairs while they were together. This made me very unhappy, growing up (I did sense something was up though of course it wasnīt done openly). But anyway, thatīs what I meant about relationships being easy for them - no real commitment and vulnerability if they were involved with other people simultaneously.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by bluelily
I told him I wanted to take things slow, as we practically didnīt know each other after more than 2 decades apart. But he was really set on us being together and I did like him.
It has been very stressful, as you probably have all experienced yourselves with your own As. At the same time, in a way I do feel responsible for him because Iīm so much better off in my life at the moment. Well not responsible but more like Iīm the grownup and heīs clinging to my skirts and I have to help him. Perhaps I am too protective overall, I also take care of stray animals whenever they show up. Of course, this guy is a grownup himself and Iīm not really helping him like this but I canīt help feeling sorry for him when heīs so lost, if you know what I mean.
It has been very stressful, as you probably have all experienced yourselves with your own As. At the same time, in a way I do feel responsible for him because Iīm so much better off in my life at the moment. Well not responsible but more like Iīm the grownup and heīs clinging to my skirts and I have to help him. Perhaps I am too protective overall, I also take care of stray animals whenever they show up. Of course, this guy is a grownup himself and Iīm not really helping him like this but I canīt help feeling sorry for him when heīs so lost, if you know what I mean.
Do you realize how de-humanizing and disrespectful your equating him to a child, or a stray pet is?
You acknowledge he is a grown up but you aren't treating him like one.
And you, in this narrative, are his "mother"?
That's nothing to build a partnership on blue--I'm sorry to be so blunt
but please look at what you wrote objectively and maybe you will
see what I'm talking about.
I did this myself so I'm not judging, just reading what you said.
He's a fully grown human being with intelligence and choices just like you.
He is choosing to drink and put his job and health at risk.
And yes, alcoholism is progressive, and him urinating on himself
suggests late-stage to me.
I bet he wets the bed too, or will be soon if he keeps going.
I think him being "set on being with you" was his quest for another enabler--alcoholics typically need some management, and they
are smart enough to get it from us co-dependents.
I suppose before meeting you again, he exited from a relationship from a woman who just
"didn't understand him" or who had other problems according to him?
I got used for a good two years by an ex who essentially used the same tactic.
He needed "rescue and help" and like you, I can't resist a stray so I tried
to "help" him get better and ended up losing time, money, and self-esteem.
I didn't have much self-esteem to lose, but there it went. . .
You do deserve more. So do your kids.
Stay involved and you will be picking up more pieces and on the hook financially soon enough
when he loses his job and needs even more help.
Wishing you the best--I really have empathy having been in a similiar
situation at one point.
I did manage to leave and I am glad I did--it got much worse and
the poor woman who "replaced" me as his next enabler really
suffered emotionally, financially, and physically.
Addiction is a terrible thing.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I've been on both sides of this fence.
One thing I learned is that to enable an alcoholic, to relieve them of the consequences of their drinking or otherwise making their life easier so that they can continue to drink is actually helping to kill them.
Helping someone because I feel sorry for them or guilty is actually very selfish because I'm doing it to alleviate my own uncomfortable feelings, not to help them. What really helped me get sober was to get to the point where I hurt bad enough that I couldn't stand to be a drunk anymore.
And when I had to let go of an alcoholic boyfriend, I had to do it with the acceptance that I could not save him and that he might die. He accused me of "abandoning him", which pulled at my heartstrings, but by that point I knew I'd done everything I could and that I deserved better.
I also used to be friends or get into relationships with anyone who seemed to like me. That's it. That was my criteria. Today I've learned to be a lot more choosy.
One thing I learned is that to enable an alcoholic, to relieve them of the consequences of their drinking or otherwise making their life easier so that they can continue to drink is actually helping to kill them.
Helping someone because I feel sorry for them or guilty is actually very selfish because I'm doing it to alleviate my own uncomfortable feelings, not to help them. What really helped me get sober was to get to the point where I hurt bad enough that I couldn't stand to be a drunk anymore.
And when I had to let go of an alcoholic boyfriend, I had to do it with the acceptance that I could not save him and that he might die. He accused me of "abandoning him", which pulled at my heartstrings, but by that point I knew I'd done everything I could and that I deserved better.
I also used to be friends or get into relationships with anyone who seemed to like me. That's it. That was my criteria. Today I've learned to be a lot more choosy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Madbird
I also used to be friends or get into relationships with anyone who seemed to like me. That's it. That was my criteria.
Thanks for your post; it resonated w/me, Madbird.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
