Confused partner
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
Confused partner
My partner of 10 years decided to do the dry January in a hope of giving up drink or at least becoming a sociable drinker at weekends. She was drinking 15 units of vodka per day on average and was spending a lot of money and we both felt miserable. She's been a big drinker for 10-15 years. She did well during January and felt great, lost some weight and wanted more out of life, which was a welcome change as I love doing things and felt held back. On my birthday, 28th Jan, we had a drink together and we enjoyed it just for that weekend. But after 10 years of devotion to me she now says she doesn't know how she feels. She says she feels numb but she feels different and can't see a future with me. She has always been on anti-depressants and anxiety meds. I am not a big drinker but have supported her the best I can. Are these feelings of depression and doubt common in the early stages of recovery? Do couples ever survive this?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if she's been a big drinker for 10-15 years and you two have been together for 10, then it's safe to say she has never really drawn a sober breath in that entire span. early sobriety is a really crazy hectic time inside the body and mind of the addict/alcoholic. there are synapses that are just starting to dry about a bit and fire......there are new thoughts coming in whereas before it was ALL about the vodka.....she's waking up and coming to and probably a bit startled by it all.
since she recently drank again, she now has to start that cycle all over again. alcoholics can't just drink on special occasions and get away with it. she has a lot of mental chaos to sort thru.....and my friend, that will all take time.....what she thinks she thinks TODAY might be totally different in a week, a month or a year. in fact it would be a good year before sobriety really gets a good foot hold, before the body has a chance to heal from the damage, before she not only gets thru sober days but sober seasons and a sober LIFESTYLE.
since she was always drinking while on meds, the booze, a depressant, countered any real positive effects. as she (if she) continues to stay OFF alcohol, how the meds work will change.
only time will tell my friend.......more shall be revealed.
since she recently drank again, she now has to start that cycle all over again. alcoholics can't just drink on special occasions and get away with it. she has a lot of mental chaos to sort thru.....and my friend, that will all take time.....what she thinks she thinks TODAY might be totally different in a week, a month or a year. in fact it would be a good year before sobriety really gets a good foot hold, before the body has a chance to heal from the damage, before she not only gets thru sober days but sober seasons and a sober LIFESTYLE.
since she was always drinking while on meds, the booze, a depressant, countered any real positive effects. as she (if she) continues to stay OFF alcohol, how the meds work will change.
only time will tell my friend.......more shall be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hi JAH -
My AH is in early recovery also, so I am in the same boat. To answer your questions... yes, couples can survive this. I know, because I am in alanon with a few who have. Many come out stronger than before, but that takes work, soul searching, and continual commitment from both parties.
Our partners have been suppressing feelings for a long time with substances... My AH was a heroin addict. So not the same, but similar. With the mind altering substance out of the picture, they are now forced to look their feelings straight in the eye and learn how to decipher what they mean and how to handle them. This is very overwhelming at first. Not to mention their brains are physiologically different at this point. My AH describes it as his mind being very foggy. This is probably from all of the previously suppressed thoughts/feelings flooding his mind now at once.
Confusion about what they want/who they are, etc is very normal. The question is, how do we deal with it?? The answer is - by focusing on ourselves and our own recovery with each obstacle that comes our way. If our partners decide they are confused and want some space to figure it out, we give them space. Then we go to an alanon meeting that day (for example) to talk to others who understand, and this will bring us peace and healing during that time. Its time to decide who we are and what we want now.
Hope this helps!!
My AH is in early recovery also, so I am in the same boat. To answer your questions... yes, couples can survive this. I know, because I am in alanon with a few who have. Many come out stronger than before, but that takes work, soul searching, and continual commitment from both parties.
Our partners have been suppressing feelings for a long time with substances... My AH was a heroin addict. So not the same, but similar. With the mind altering substance out of the picture, they are now forced to look their feelings straight in the eye and learn how to decipher what they mean and how to handle them. This is very overwhelming at first. Not to mention their brains are physiologically different at this point. My AH describes it as his mind being very foggy. This is probably from all of the previously suppressed thoughts/feelings flooding his mind now at once.
Confusion about what they want/who they are, etc is very normal. The question is, how do we deal with it?? The answer is - by focusing on ourselves and our own recovery with each obstacle that comes our way. If our partners decide they are confused and want some space to figure it out, we give them space. Then we go to an alanon meeting that day (for example) to talk to others who understand, and this will bring us peace and healing during that time. Its time to decide who we are and what we want now.
Hope this helps!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
Confused partner
Yes that makes so much sense. I had to go away with work for a few days which gave her the space she asked for. When I was due home I decided to stay away a bit longer as she kept saying she doesn't know what she wants and she still cant give me any answers. I thought she must be having an affair! I was shocked by all of this as it seemed to be to be completely out of the blue. We were very happy and 'together' in a loving relationship up until the end of December when she said she can't go on like this. I was at the end of my tether too and said she has to sort the drinking out. She always had a day here and there not drinking and only started around 3 or 4pm each day. Literally 3 weeks into not drinking her feelings changed towards me? I'm distraught.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JAH......educating yourself about alcoholism will (among other things) teach you that an alcoholic can never drink again. There is no such thing as moderate drinking or weekend drinking or special occasion drinking.
You can trust that that is the last thing an alcoholic wants to hear...and, they will fight that idea tooth and nail.......
To reach genuine sobriety (not just outing down the bottle)....sobriety must become the top priority of their lives.....above all else. They must desire it enough to put the time and effort into working a program that changes their thinking...which changes their feelings...which changes their attitude and it is finally shown in their actions.....
This takes time and hard work.....the first two years is generally considered early recovery......where you can begin to see what might be considered lasting changes......the kind of changes that happen from the inside out...
If a partner has aspirations of navigating the recovery period (which is often worse than the active drinking period).....then, the partner needs a recovery program every bit as m uch as the alcoholic does.....
If a couple has been together 10-15yrs. of alcoholic drinking together (even if only one is drinking)....they have been doing the alcoholic dance together..in tandem with each other.....
The couples who do seem to survive this are the ones who each work a program of recovery.......
dandylion
You can trust that that is the last thing an alcoholic wants to hear...and, they will fight that idea tooth and nail.......
To reach genuine sobriety (not just outing down the bottle)....sobriety must become the top priority of their lives.....above all else. They must desire it enough to put the time and effort into working a program that changes their thinking...which changes their feelings...which changes their attitude and it is finally shown in their actions.....
This takes time and hard work.....the first two years is generally considered early recovery......where you can begin to see what might be considered lasting changes......the kind of changes that happen from the inside out...
If a partner has aspirations of navigating the recovery period (which is often worse than the active drinking period).....then, the partner needs a recovery program every bit as m uch as the alcoholic does.....
If a couple has been together 10-15yrs. of alcoholic drinking together (even if only one is drinking)....they have been doing the alcoholic dance together..in tandem with each other.....
The couples who do seem to survive this are the ones who each work a program of recovery.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. I second what Anvil says.
The other thing is that you have to understand--for alcoholics, alcohol isn't the PROBLEM, it's the SOLUTION to their problems. So without a program of recovery to enable her to live sober, happily (which may include mental health treatment), she is likely to be miserable sober and to drink again.
The other thing is that you have to understand--for alcoholics, alcohol isn't the PROBLEM, it's the SOLUTION to their problems. So without a program of recovery to enable her to live sober, happily (which may include mental health treatment), she is likely to be miserable sober and to drink again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
Confused partner
I'm not sure she's happy or unhappy with or without drink.. She's quite adamant that her feelings have changed recently and she can't see a future with me. She started feeling this way after 3 sober weeks. I've been away for a few days and not sure if she's been drinking again or not but I don't hold out hope. I'm seeing her tomorrow.....
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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Drinking while taking antidepressants isn't a good idea - as noted above, the alcohol (a depressant) will negate the anti- effect of the drug. What you're seeing (what she is experiencing) may well be the antidepressants finally kicking in (it takes a week or so for them to take effect) - they can dull the emotions somewhat (depending on the dose) which may be what she is feeling. Of course, if she is an alcoholic, she won't see the drink being part of the problem :-( but search around for something (or someone) to blame the feelings on
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Please encourage her to seek some support from others who have walked this road before - I am an advocate of AA as it has helped me immensely in my journey to sobriety and recovery.
In my first few months I did have a bit of a 'chucking the baby out with the bathwater' attitude at times, and harboured fantasies of a new relationship with someone who did not drink, and who could help me stay sober. Of course, the only person who can help me stay sober is ME, and with the support of AA and my new sober friends am now comfortable in sobriety and happier, and more at peace with myself than I ever remember being (even in childhood). The whole process of 12-step recovery has helped me become acquainted with some of those skeletons in my closet that had spooked me, and left me depressed and 'haunted' for decades. I'm not saying me and those skeletons have become buddies - but they're now just a box of old bones to me, rather than something that effects how I feel on a daily basis.
As I started to peel away those bits of me that made me unhappy, and started to see the happy and healthy person who was emerging, I took heart and was more and more able to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions, rather than putting it on my partner. Our relationship is much better now than it was when we were both drinking - although I won't fib - I don't really much enjoy being with him when he is drunk and avoid being with him too much when he is (which is every weekend). Are you willing to change some of the things you do together so they're not alcohol focussed? If so, make sure that she know this - maybe even think of some ideas for places to go / things to do and suggest these to her.
I hope things work out and she doesn't make too hasty a decision about your future together.
In my first few months I did have a bit of a 'chucking the baby out with the bathwater' attitude at times, and harboured fantasies of a new relationship with someone who did not drink, and who could help me stay sober. Of course, the only person who can help me stay sober is ME, and with the support of AA and my new sober friends am now comfortable in sobriety and happier, and more at peace with myself than I ever remember being (even in childhood). The whole process of 12-step recovery has helped me become acquainted with some of those skeletons in my closet that had spooked me, and left me depressed and 'haunted' for decades. I'm not saying me and those skeletons have become buddies - but they're now just a box of old bones to me, rather than something that effects how I feel on a daily basis.
As I started to peel away those bits of me that made me unhappy, and started to see the happy and healthy person who was emerging, I took heart and was more and more able to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions, rather than putting it on my partner. Our relationship is much better now than it was when we were both drinking - although I won't fib - I don't really much enjoy being with him when he is drunk and avoid being with him too much when he is (which is every weekend). Are you willing to change some of the things you do together so they're not alcohol focussed? If so, make sure that she know this - maybe even think of some ideas for places to go / things to do and suggest these to her.
I hope things work out and she doesn't make too hasty a decision about your future together.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by hope778 
Hi JAH -
My AH is in early recovery also, so I am in the same boat. To answer your questions... yes, couples can survive this. I know, because I am in alanon with a few who have. Many come out stronger than before, but that takes work, soul searching, and continual commitment from both parties.
Our partners have been suppressing feelings for a long time with substances... My AH was a heroin addict. So not the same, but similar. With the mind altering substance out of the picture, they are now forced to look their feelings straight in the eye and learn how to decipher what they mean and how to handle them. This is very overwhelming at first. Not to mention their brains are physiologically different at this point. My AH describes it as his mind being very foggy. This is probably from all of the previously suppressed thoughts/feelings flooding his mind now at once.
Confusion about what they want/who they are, etc is very normal. The question is, how do we deal with it?? The answer is - by focusing on ourselves and our own recovery with each obstacle that comes our way. If our partners decide they are confused and want some space to figure it out, we give them space. Then we go to an alanon meeting that day (for example) to talk to others who understand, and this will bring us peace and healing during that time. Its time to decide who we are and what we want now.
Hope this helps!!
My AH is in early recovery also, so I am in the same boat. To answer your questions... yes, couples can survive this. I know, because I am in alanon with a few who have. Many come out stronger than before, but that takes work, soul searching, and continual commitment from both parties.
Our partners have been suppressing feelings for a long time with substances... My AH was a heroin addict. So not the same, but similar. With the mind altering substance out of the picture, they are now forced to look their feelings straight in the eye and learn how to decipher what they mean and how to handle them. This is very overwhelming at first. Not to mention their brains are physiologically different at this point. My AH describes it as his mind being very foggy. This is probably from all of the previously suppressed thoughts/feelings flooding his mind now at once.
Confusion about what they want/who they are, etc is very normal. The question is, how do we deal with it?? The answer is - by focusing on ourselves and our own recovery with each obstacle that comes our way. If our partners decide they are confused and want some space to figure it out, we give them space. Then we go to an alanon meeting that day (for example) to talk to others who understand, and this will bring us peace and healing during that time. Its time to decide who we are and what we want now.
Hope this helps!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you for posting. She had 3 weeks off the drink and started again around the end of January. She's now back to her normal habit of 35cl bottle of vodka late afternoon start.. She has become so desperately unhappy but this could be due to us breaking up, which is what she wanted. She has diazepam now and has finally stopped crying all the time. I think all this is about not seeing a future with me rather than her drink problem or the 3 weeks off the drink problems....... I actually instigated the breakup as I couldn't cope with what she was telling me...
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