GF in IN patient Treatment
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: dallas
Posts: 2
GF in IN patient Treatment
My girlfriend has recently gone into a Inpatient treatment for alcohol (she has also since found out she is bi polar). She went thru a detox center here twice for 10 day stretches and the second time she ended up going to a 30 day program. its been two weeks and I just found out from her father that I am not allowed any contact with her at all. Pretty much anyone else is but me. I have helped her thru all this. Her father admits he was too wrapped up in himself to notice how bad the problem was. I figured it out and pushed her to get help. Ive been supportive and a good influence. I quit drinking the day she went to detox to be supportive and to provide a better environment for her and us when she comes home. Her father is a alcoholic in denial as well.
Why am I the one that's not allowed to talk to her at all? Her father tells me (after their first visit this last weekend) that the place is pushing for her to cut ties with myself and basically everyone from her life. What kind of place is this? Just cause we knew her as a alcoholic we can't know her anymore or be a part of her life? I get it if I was toxic or no supportive or was one of her triggers. I am and was one of the people helping her get thru it all.
I have done my due diligence and done lots of research and still continue to do so. I know this is not a easy path I am choosing by wanting to stay with her. I love her and you don't just walk out on someone cause they have a problem. You help if you can and you try to find a way. Right now I have no clue whats going on. Her father says I need to be prepared that she might tell me goodbye next time I see her. However nobody can tell me when that might be. They added a month to her in patient time and want her to go to a half way house for 6 months after that. Her father is my only point of communication and he says he doesn't know much either? they talk to him, he told me he had a hour meeting with her counselor while he was there also. It almost feels like he is trying to push me away without really making it seem like he is (if that makes sense). I'm so confused and don't know what the right thing to do is. I mean I really cant do anything right now but wait. ive bought a engagement ring and plan on marrying her. She knows I want to propose and has told me before all this that she cant wait for that day.
Is all this normal? ive read so much and from previous members of AA ive been told that they do preach no new relationships in the first year of recovery but that they also strongly preach not to end one if your in one already as that all goes against the no major changes in the first year suggestion. I mean this place when I called, after I told them my name wouldn't even acknowledge that she was there.
I'm just lost and confused on all this.
Sorry for such a long post. I'm sure I left a lot out. the whole thing has been a whirlwind with almost no answers or insight at all.
Why am I the one that's not allowed to talk to her at all? Her father tells me (after their first visit this last weekend) that the place is pushing for her to cut ties with myself and basically everyone from her life. What kind of place is this? Just cause we knew her as a alcoholic we can't know her anymore or be a part of her life? I get it if I was toxic or no supportive or was one of her triggers. I am and was one of the people helping her get thru it all.
I have done my due diligence and done lots of research and still continue to do so. I know this is not a easy path I am choosing by wanting to stay with her. I love her and you don't just walk out on someone cause they have a problem. You help if you can and you try to find a way. Right now I have no clue whats going on. Her father says I need to be prepared that she might tell me goodbye next time I see her. However nobody can tell me when that might be. They added a month to her in patient time and want her to go to a half way house for 6 months after that. Her father is my only point of communication and he says he doesn't know much either? they talk to him, he told me he had a hour meeting with her counselor while he was there also. It almost feels like he is trying to push me away without really making it seem like he is (if that makes sense). I'm so confused and don't know what the right thing to do is. I mean I really cant do anything right now but wait. ive bought a engagement ring and plan on marrying her. She knows I want to propose and has told me before all this that she cant wait for that day.
Is all this normal? ive read so much and from previous members of AA ive been told that they do preach no new relationships in the first year of recovery but that they also strongly preach not to end one if your in one already as that all goes against the no major changes in the first year suggestion. I mean this place when I called, after I told them my name wouldn't even acknowledge that she was there.
I'm just lost and confused on all this.
Sorry for such a long post. I'm sure I left a lot out. the whole thing has been a whirlwind with almost no answers or insight at all.
Last edited by Mtedesco; 02-11-2016 at 05:32 PM. Reason: wrong place trying to move
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
I don't know much about your friend's treatment, but it seems like her father doesn't either. I do want to to respond to your hurt by sending some virtual hugs from a grandma. 
Hang in there, you sound like such a fine and caring person. Please take good care of yourself as this story keeps unfolding.
Hang in there, you sound like such a fine and caring person. Please take good care of yourself as this story keeps unfolding. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Did your girlfriend choose the treatment center or have any information about it before she went there? It's likely that the workers want her to focus on herself and her recovery at this point. I'm sure you're very concerned and want to know what's happening, but it sounds like you'll have to try to be patient. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and please check out our Friends & Families forum on this board for support for yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 13
I am sorry you are going through this...both my sister and my long term boyfriend have been to rehab and are now in recovery so I hope my experience can help.
My boyfriend is the first person I had known (well) who went to rehab. One thing that most recovery programs suggest is to get a new group of friends, this is assuming that the addict used with their friends. This is probably where your girlfriend's dad is getting it. I remember when my boyfriend told me this when he was in, and I was scared that he would have to cut ties with me, and with our really wonderful, supportive group of friends. But, at the time, it was not too far fetched of an idea because we were in our early 20s and basically all we did was drink when we got together (he is an alcoholic). I haven't thought about that for a long time - but I remember preparing myself emotionally for losing him as a friend, or having to deal with a new group of people, people he was "supposed" to hang around with. However - neither of those happened. While we stopped going to the bigger parties, we were able to see our close friends (the ones who really count!) because they knew about his recovery and were supportive.
When my sister went to rehab for heroin and got out, I was really worried about her relapsing because of her friends. She had fallen out of touch with the people I knew as her friends - I assumed she had a new group of using friends. However, she and her bf were both addicts and basically had no friends anymore as they just stayed to themselves.
As far as them not acknowledging your girlfriend was there - this isn't personal, most, if not all, places will NOT disclose if a person is getting treatment. To talk to my boyfriend, he had to call me, or I had to call the phone that was in the patient's area directly (which thinking back, they probably weren't supposed to give the number out).
My advice for right now is to try not to freak out - I know its hard, especially because you can't speak with her and it sounds like her dad isn't being super helpful, but know she is in a safe place and getting things straightened out. Try not to have any expectations for when she does get out, just try to be as supportive as she needs (it sounds like you won't have any problem with that!). If you are up for it, attend an Al Anon meeting. It helps a lot to talk things out with people who have been there (or somewhere close).
I wish the best to you, keep coming back and let us know how its going!
My boyfriend is the first person I had known (well) who went to rehab. One thing that most recovery programs suggest is to get a new group of friends, this is assuming that the addict used with their friends. This is probably where your girlfriend's dad is getting it. I remember when my boyfriend told me this when he was in, and I was scared that he would have to cut ties with me, and with our really wonderful, supportive group of friends. But, at the time, it was not too far fetched of an idea because we were in our early 20s and basically all we did was drink when we got together (he is an alcoholic). I haven't thought about that for a long time - but I remember preparing myself emotionally for losing him as a friend, or having to deal with a new group of people, people he was "supposed" to hang around with. However - neither of those happened. While we stopped going to the bigger parties, we were able to see our close friends (the ones who really count!) because they knew about his recovery and were supportive.
When my sister went to rehab for heroin and got out, I was really worried about her relapsing because of her friends. She had fallen out of touch with the people I knew as her friends - I assumed she had a new group of using friends. However, she and her bf were both addicts and basically had no friends anymore as they just stayed to themselves.
As far as them not acknowledging your girlfriend was there - this isn't personal, most, if not all, places will NOT disclose if a person is getting treatment. To talk to my boyfriend, he had to call me, or I had to call the phone that was in the patient's area directly (which thinking back, they probably weren't supposed to give the number out).
My advice for right now is to try not to freak out - I know its hard, especially because you can't speak with her and it sounds like her dad isn't being super helpful, but know she is in a safe place and getting things straightened out. Try not to have any expectations for when she does get out, just try to be as supportive as she needs (it sounds like you won't have any problem with that!). If you are up for it, attend an Al Anon meeting. It helps a lot to talk things out with people who have been there (or somewhere close).
I wish the best to you, keep coming back and let us know how its going!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mt,
Good for you for reaching out for help. Addiction is a horrible thing and addicts need to spend 200 percent of their time working on themselves especially in rehab. .
When you are in relationship, the "spouse" (you) have put up with a lot, finally you got her into a rehab and you want to "repair" the damage that they have done to the relationship. That really isn't possible at this time in her life, this is not about the relationship. This is a one person job, you can not help her find sobriety. You do not understand addiction and never will, let her spend her time with other addicts who comprehend what is going on in her life. Let her go and work it out, and hopefully she will find her way back, if not you never really had her in the first place, I am sorry to say.
This is your time to heal. Hit some alanon meetings. Read up on the Friends and Family forum. Learn about your part in the addict/enabler relationship. If she is truly ready to work her program, you need to back off and let her do it.
I am sorry, but it is what she needs to do. to maintain her sobriety Hugs my friend!!
Good for you for reaching out for help. Addiction is a horrible thing and addicts need to spend 200 percent of their time working on themselves especially in rehab. .
When you are in relationship, the "spouse" (you) have put up with a lot, finally you got her into a rehab and you want to "repair" the damage that they have done to the relationship. That really isn't possible at this time in her life, this is not about the relationship. This is a one person job, you can not help her find sobriety. You do not understand addiction and never will, let her spend her time with other addicts who comprehend what is going on in her life. Let her go and work it out, and hopefully she will find her way back, if not you never really had her in the first place, I am sorry to say.
This is your time to heal. Hit some alanon meetings. Read up on the Friends and Family forum. Learn about your part in the addict/enabler relationship. If she is truly ready to work her program, you need to back off and let her do it.
I am sorry, but it is what she needs to do. to maintain her sobriety Hugs my friend!!
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