Turtle76

So, tomorrow morning I have the last couple counseling session with my abf before he comes home from treatment. There is one issue I am torn about bringing up, or if I should just wait to see if it even plays out. He has a "friend" here in town that I am so afraid of him seeing again. ABF doesnt have very many friends, and this guy, he called his best friend before he left for treatment. My issue is that this is the guy who got him pills all the time. I never trusted the friend, in my gut, before I knew what was really going on. Every time ABF came home after hanging out with thus guy, we would fight.

Anyways, I don't think I would be ok if ABF kept the friendship. While he didn't cheat on me, I feel like he did in a way, cuz he kinda had a secret relationship with this guy, in the fact that he was his dealer/friend and I had no idea about what was going on. Im imagining that ABF already knows that he can't hangout with this guy, but should I make it clear to him that if he chose to, it would cause me pain and to question his commitment to sobriety? Or am I trying to control/ manipulate his decisions? I guess im still holding on to alot of pain/betrayal over this.

Part of me says to be open and honest about my fears, the other part says its his life and not my side if the street. This is my last chance to talk to him with his counselor present too, so I want make sure I take full advantage of that. Thoughts?

atalose

They call all of their drug dealers friends!

I think if you have to tell a grown man who is just completing treatment NOT to be friends again with his drug dealer then yes you are trying to control.

Time will reveal how committed he is to his recovery with or without your intervention/manipulating/control. His actions will tell you, not his words.

Just focus on what you will do and how you will do it if he relapses.

cece1960

Turtle,
what if he chooses to remain friends with the guy and hang out. Is it a deal breaker for you?
You have very right to make your life comfortable. If this relationship makes you uncomfortable, then you need to find what will resolve those feelings, and not wait to see if he will respect your feelings.
I think telling him this would be fair to the both of you.

hopeful4

A drug dealer who is a friend is still a drug dealer, someone he has no business hanging out with. Your gut is absolutely correct on that. Hopefully through recovery he can recognize that as well.

Ann

I agree with what Cece said. An honest discussion of how you feel is taking care of yourself, no matter how he reacts.

It would probably be good to have a plan if he returns to the life, taking care of yourself is something you can control and plan for even if you can't control his choices, however good or bad they may be. Decide what you can and cannot live with and continue to take care of yourself.

Hugs

Turtle76

Thanks for the feedback. Im not sure what is a deal breaker yet, as I am still learning about myself and all this. I do think having a plan is a good idea in case he returns to using/drinking... I guess I have just been so hopeful cuz he sounds so amazing, clear and committed when we talk. I am not so naive to think that it is not a possibility, but I haven't really prepared for it either. I think I will bring it up tomorrow, at least that I am concerned about some his friendships, and how that affects me. Thanks for helping me learn how to care for myself 🐢

thequest

The thing I've noticed with boundaries especially when it comes to the big enablers ie suppliers or those that flatout encourage use is that one can't control major events or behaviors with the alkie/addict. Simplified try to find a "smaller" boundary and that includes bringing the subject up once or twice to get you opinion in, do not pester which will lead to a rebellious reaction frequently to spite you.

The small obtainable boundary might be you won't drive them to see their friend or just ignore them while present-send a message you don't care for them. Do not facilitate their meetings or hanging out at all. If he wants so much as chips or pretzels when hanging out make them get it for themselves. They're going to do what they're going to do. Butting in relationships without huge support from family and friends is all but futile.

Don't anger either one remember you are dealing with an addict and drug dealer/criminal-casually talk about crime in the news perhaps. Send that message but as soon as either one wants to shoot the messenger back off.

Alkie/addict here has been hanging with the wrong crowd for years and yet have figured away to change that. What makes matters worse as the alkie/addict deteriorates his inner circle changes to or stays the same with those who act and think like him which makes it even tougher.

If the addict won't give up the drug dealer friend that's a problem to me.

GOOD LUCK and STAY SAFE!

hope778

Turtle, I swear you and I are living parallel lives! I am just a few days away and also have a few "friends" of my AH that I am not ok with him being around when he gets back. He is aware of this. I think you should bring this up to him. A lot of it is in the approach and delivery of you speaking your feelings. In a therapy setting where you all can interpret your thoughts and feelings would probably be best and make you feel best. You are in no position to hold things like this is as they arise. As we know, it will only eat away at you. More important than all of this, though, as some have pointed out - what will you do if he does hang out with this friend? That is your boundary that must be set.

Our addicts must begin to realize why we ask that they not do certain things with certain people. Truthfully, they have a lot of maturing to do. Being defensive because we ask that they don't spend time with someone who highly contributed to their addiction is just a selfish knee jerk reaction on their part and is something THEY need to work on. We deserve to be able to express our thoughts and feelings in the relationship also. Don't deny yourself of that just because you've been denied of it for so long...

Turtle76

Hope... it does appear we are going through similar situations at the same time. My (now, I guess) RABF comes home in 2 days. I am nervous and excited. We did discuss his friend via a therapy session over the phone. I told him how uncomfortable the friend made me, and that he represented a betrayal to me. His therapist made it very clear to him that it would not be in his best interest to continue a friendship with this guy. And my RABF said he had no intention of hanging out with him, but I needed to understand that it was his decision to use, and I can't blame another. RABF is right about this part, and there are some issues I need to work through on my part. But time will tell. He seems very committed. This decision to get sober was 100 percent his, so im hoping that counts for something.

I'm still unclear what my boundaries are. Or how I will respond when they are crossed. A lady in Alanon says I will "know" when a boundary is crossed. I'm just so confused by boundaries in general, which I guess means I probably dont have any. Thankfully, we will be starting couples counseling, in addition to our individual counseling to help figure this all out.

hopeful4

This sounds like huge progress!

I will say that him deciding to go on his own counts for ALOT. Many times people are forced into rehab, and they don't take it seriously b/c it was not their own decision. You get as much out of recovery as you put into it, so it has to be your own idea to be successful. Kudos to him for that. And to you to talk to him about it calmly! Good for you!

It's also very encouraging to hear him own his own behavior. Good stuff.

Now, the boundaries. I do suggest you work on that in counseling ASAP. You must have a plan in place for your own wellbeing. You are doing all the right things, give it time. Keep up the good communication with each other, encourage each other, and keep working on YOU along the way.