hopepraylove

I didn't think I'd find the desire to post here again. But, I realize I need an outlet in between my Al-anon meetings. & in putting myself first, I sometimes need to put my feelings to paper instead of becoming overwhelmed by internalizing them.

I'll have been in al-anon 11 months next week. That's pretty incredible, I can't believe how much time has passed. For anyone who has read my prior posts, my qualifier is my ex boyfriend.

We've been broken up for almost 6 months now. Honestly, at first I had hopes of reconciling, but I quickly realized that it wasn't a very healthy/possible/realistic ideation. As of the last month and a half, we have had very limited contact. Yesterday however, he called me in a total panic. I knew immediately he was under the influence and while my heart sank, I also knew/understood/and ACCEPTED that this was no longer my problem and definitely out of my control. Basically, it was such a concerning conversation that I called his local police station and asked them to do a wellness check on him. The deputy was kind enough to follow up with me and tell me that they had stopped by his house and he seemed "clearly under the influence, but posed no threat to himself or to others," so he technically had no grounds to arrest, or detain him. I was pretty shocked that he said that, (my ex) clearly was out of his mind on the phone. I told the police office that he suffered with bipolar and schizophrenia and I believed he was off his medication. I thanked the office and continued about my day. I reached out to my sponsor, stayed at work, ate lunch and carried on with my plans.

When I got home, I went to cook dinner in the kitchen and had left my phone in the back of the house. When I was finished with dinner, I went in the back and saw that I had a missed phone call from the police department. Apparently I had sounded concerned enough for the officer to do a follow up on (my ex) later in the evening. The officer noticed his truck outside of a 711, in a high drug trafficking area, and went in to see if he was there. They found him speaking to himself and yelling at some people in the store. The manager told the officer and the officer made the decision to put (my ex) on a 5150. The officer had called me to let me know the situation with him had escalated, but he was currently in a hospital and being taken care of.

I genuinely feel that I have grown so much over the last six months, and during the majority of the day I thought I was fine. I really turned it over to God and said a prayer for him. But, after I hung up with the officer I found myself in tears. I suppose no amount of program really makes it easier. More manageable? Yes: I did not obsess throughout the day, I completed all my tasks at work, I was composed. But, alone, at home? My heart broke for him. He deserves a better life than the one he's living. I know it is his choice to make the decision too. I'm sad to see/hear that he is clearly off his psych-meds. He had been doing really well. Recently moved to a new city, started school, got his license back, had several months sober. The police called me to ask me if the stories of him "being a combat war veteran" were true. I told them they were. They asked how long he had served, I told them "a year in Afghanistan." The deputy took a deep sigh and said, "so he was telling the truth." I told them yes, he had bad PTSD and sometimes his night terrors keep him up for several days at a time. The deputy responded, "I really hope he can get the help he needs and deserves." I said "me too."

Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers, & please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for him and I hate this disease, but he is clearly not ready.

Thank you.

CaringScared

You are both in my prayers. Hugs to you!

DustyDreams

I will be praying for you. It's devastating to see someone with so much potential refuse to help themselves. I'm experiencing that with my ABF right now. I'm glad that you are working on taking care of you and doing what's best for you!

Ilovemysonjj

Sending prayers for you and for your Ex to find peace.

zoso77

Sadly, when addiction is convolved with mental illness, this is often the result. To be blunt, this is f*cking horrible. So, yes, he'll be in my prayers this evening. And you will be, too.

Brightly

I am glad you came here and shared with us! I know my anxiety goes through the roof when I keep everything in. And sharing your story helps other feel not so alone, if they might be in a similar situation.

You are both in my thoughts - stay strong!

Chino

It's obvious you've worked really hard at healing yourself, because you're facing this with compassion and strength. You are both in my prayers.

Bekindalways

So, so sorry this is happening Hopepraylove. Also love your subject line to the thread. I've learned over and over that staying away is often the best thing I can do. And it is an excruciating thing to do.

As Zozo said >>>>"To be blunt, this is f*cking horrible. So, yes, he'll be in my prayers this evening. And you will be, too." I agree

hopepraylove

Thanks everyone, "one day at a time."

JimC60

HPL,

Thanks for sharing.

Keep coming back,

Jim

hopepraylove

Brief update:
Ex has not contacted anyone since getting out of the hospital last Saturday. His mom had a treatment center lined up to take him, he ignored all her phone calls while in the hospital and did not reach out to her once he was released. She pays his cellphone bill and was able to see that he made four phone calls once he left. One to his roommate, another to a landline, one to an escort service, the last to a bank. It's been 8 days since he had any contact with his family (or myself). We know he's "out." He clearly does not want help. He has dropped out of school as far we know. His mom turned off his cellphone. We all keep checking the Facebook chat to see when he last logged on. It's our only reference to know he's alive. This is a hell I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy.

Trying to focus on taking care of myself, met with my sponsor yesterday. Told ex's mom that I didn't wish for her to reach out to me daily with updates/questions/concerns/help to locate him. "Need to continue to focus on myself. Need to prioritize my mental health." However...Feeling sad and stressed out, (but hanging in there.) Fainted when getting my blood drawn today. Had to do a full panel since news broke that he was an IV user/may or may not have been involved with escorts. Feeling very, very low. Thanks for letting me share.

scheherazade

This is such a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry for what you're all going through - drug addiction and mental illness are such a tragic combination.

I am genuinely and fervently hoping things get better for all of you soon. Keep checking in with us, ok?

hopepraylove

Thank you...

peacelovesober

Love and prayers. I'm so sorry but glad you are here and working on you. It is so hard to love those in addiction even if we do it from afar.