saggirl1125

Hi everyone,
I have been browsing this site reading posts for a couple of years but never posted before. I have LOTS of addicts in my life--parents, siblings, inlaws, friends but right now it's my live in boyfriend of a couple of years that I am the most overwhelmed with.

Basic background is that he was sober when we met, sober when we fell in love, sober when he moved in and relapsed when he lost his job a few months ago. To be realistic, he definitely was a dry drunk and had mental health concerns that I frequently tried to get him to address with a doctor, but we all know how well unwanted assistance goes over, so I backed off to let him fall down. Well, he did.

He did fall down, hard... finally for the first time really trying to get help and just began a dual diagnosis PHP and was diagnosed and now being treated for bipolar disorder.

The thing is, now that he is Day 3 of really seeking treatment and things are calming down, I am starting to come out of "auto-pilot mode" and all of the feelings that I have been suppressing over the past few months of complete chaos with him are hitting me - hard! I am just now starting to feel the anger and hurt and disappointment and come out of the trance that kept me from having a nervous breakdown over the past few months, especially the past couple of weeks.

Now, he is finally starting to feel okay and since he feels okay, he acts like I should just forget about everything and "focus on now" and gets mad that I don't trust him about sobriety yet. He can't understand why I am not being affectionate and said he thinks its unfair and wrong for me to be acting stand-offish and short with him.

In a nutshell, I told him that I was glad that he was finally serious about treatment and that as long as he is in treatment I will do what I can to help him get through the early stages, but I am very angry and very hurt by all of the things that he has said, done and damaged during his 3 month binder. I told him that I will be trying to work through this on my own so that I can figure out how I truly feel about the situation.

I also explained that while he was blacked out and wasted and forgot most of the past few months, I was the one left to pick up the pieces and deal with it all in every sense of the word and since I wasn't loaded, I remember it all and need to fully process it to find my own healing.

Has anyone else felt like this? Like as soon as he is doing the right thing and what I hoped for all along, I am almost MORE angry that I was when we were in the eye of the storm? I think it's because I'm watching him act like nothing happened rather that showing remorse and/or appreciation for what he put our family through (we both have young kids, 5 in all). (I need to vent about the happenings so there will definitely be more posts about that to come).

Does selfishness come with the territory in early sobriety (especially with bipolar) or am I alone in seeing this with their SO?

amy55

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Hi, and welcome to the family. Sorry for what brings you here though.

This is all very common, they don't want to address the harm and damage that they did.

Your feelings are right, and they are proper, and should be validated, but you may never get that from him.

I can see by what you wrote that you are a very strong person.

That trance that you talked about was like survival mode. It's like you were doing what you needed to do, and had to do. Then you feel some relief, you calm down a little, but you are expected to sweep everything under the rug.

Let it all out here. I would also suggest alanon.

Welcome,

((((((hugs)))))))
amy

SadInTX

Welcome to the group! So sorry you are going through this. it is so hard to love an addict and I know how that feels.
Yes, what you are going through is totally normal. You were on survival mode. You were just trying to get through each day...each day dealing with chaos and turmoil. It does a toll on our body...our heart and mind...now that he is getting sober you both will have lots of adjustments.
Just be honest on how you both feel...be supportive but take care of yourself first. You are allowed to have those feelings of anger, sadness, etc. The addicts tend to not really face what they did/said to us...they just want us to "forgive and just move on"...it is not that easy...glad you found this forum...there are many people here that have such great advice and strength from their journey...

FireSprite

Yeah, my hardest time came AFTER RAH started his sobriety & recovery..... until then I was spending every day holding things together & had no time to break down & deal with my own emotions about everything that was happening. I also wasn't really seeing the full reality of the situation until that point, so processing it all with the real labels & definitions & what it all meant just sent me spinning.

I discovered that my ACoA dysfunction was a big part of this puzzle & that added a lot of confusion to my side of the street - just separating issues felt like unknotting hundreds of sets of tangled Christmas lights. I couldn't lock myself away in a Codie-Rehab-Facility, I had to keep working, parenting, running a household to keep life on track for myself & DD. That didn't leave me a lot of time to work on things & at first, the sheer exhaustion overtook me anyway. My mind, my body & my spirituality were a complete mess & I didn't know where to even begin.

I think this is a pretty common scenario for Codies - Even when we aren't actively enabling, we still aren't getting distance from the drama & that keeps us in a constant fight-flight-or-freeze mode, and we learn to survive in the middle of that constant stress.

Look - this situation didn't develop overnight & cause chaos for just a couple of days - how in the world can you be expected to feel better in just 3 days? That's completely unreasonable in terms of expectations, IMO. My RAH selfishly used to want me to just move on because it made it easier for him ... but that wasn't in MY best interests. If it were me (& knowing what I know now) & he expressed this opinion again, I'd simply state that it's not a reasonable to expect that from me & if he felt the need to talk about it further, he should bring it up to his counselors in the rehab/detox facility. They are in a better position to talk him through his feelings while you work through your own, so I'd leverage that option while it's available. Welcome to the forum!

AnvilheadII

it's only been three days and i would hardly consider him STABLE yet.....and i also wouldn't give any credence to anything he says. he has a LONG road of repair to cover, and i'd say you're looking at a good six months before the effects of being sober AND on his meds and treatment really start to have an effect.

saggirl1125

Firesprite,
Every single thing you said was exactly what I needed to hear. It's definitely not easy to separate the way I feel from what I know needs to be said and done. It's a constant struggle to act AGAINST the way I feel emotionally. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't but at least I can say that I am trying every day to work on it so that the cognitive dissonance begins to level out and it becomes easier to match what I feel with what I do.

I know that I don't always do the right thing when it comes to this situation, partly because my I have been around addiction my whole life so I sometimes fall short truly knowing what the right thing is. I'm really trying to learn though... it's like re-learning how to think and the different parts of my brain don't always cooperate.
Right now, my plan of action is to let him focus on his recovery while focus on mine... I need a clear head and clarity of the full picture to be able to make a decision that I am sure about. Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise and his bottom triggered mine... even if he doesn't really focus on recover, at least I know that I will continue to focus on mine. Still sucks to be faced head on with my own **** that I really don't want to see though.

hopeful4

This is pretty typical addict behavior. They want us to be able to forget and form an immediate trust, just because of words. It's actions, over the course of a very long time, years really, that forms trust. Nothing else.

FireSprite

I wished that we could financially afford to separate during early recovery - it is NOT a fun time for either party. Honestly, I spent a lot of the first year saying WTH is THIS now?? I did not see how we could survive all of the past to get to our future together, I started to completely understand why people walk away just when things are seeming to "get better".

The hidden gift in my husband's nightmare of addiction is that is led me to my OWN recovery sag; without that happening I'm not sure I ever would have put the work in on myself, or even seen how necessary it was.

It's a messed up way to come to a blessing, but I am SO much happier & healthier than I was 4 years ago - I can't believe the difference from the person that I used to be. I really like AND love the person that I've become & I definitely could not say that about myself before. (((((HUGS)))))

theuncertainty

I think there's a lot of inner-work that an addict needs to do and may start processing in early sobriety, but I can't talk to that side of the question too much, because AXH never really worked towards sobriety. Others should be able to chime in with more info.

This:

sounds like he just doesn't get it: his behavior hurt you. The fact that he was drunk when he behaved badly doesn't mean it hurt you any less. And it's Not. A. Valid. Excuse. And working towards sobriety - even achieving a long period of sobriety - doesn't mean that how he views your emotions, and your right to have them, will change. It might, but there's no guarantee.

As has been mentioned, it takes time to rebuild trust. If you're willing to give him time to work on his issues, I would hope he'd be willing to give you time to re-build that trust.

atalose

I agree 3 days is nothing, sure he may not be on that manic phase you witnessed but he’s far from sober. That’s going to take a long time.

When you think of his blackout manic phase and all the things he said and did that he can’t remember, well, then how can he ever really truly be remorseful?

That’s life with an addict. We can’t expect healthy behavior and feelings from an unhealthy person.

marie1960

We all have a gut instinct.

Sometimes we simply do not listen to it.

What took me quite a while to process is why in the world was I not listening to the truth that was swirling around inside my head?

I hope you take this time and concentrate on yourself.

Have a few serious heart to hearts with yourself.

Go ahead and ask the question, "Exactly what am I most overwhelmed with in this situation?" and take it from there.

The truth will set you free.

theuncertainty

I just realized that the way I worded it sounded like working on re-building trust is a one-sided task. It's not. He's going to have to work just as hard at being worthy of that trust.

saggirl1125

Thank you uncertainty, I understood what you meant...

saggirl1124

Saggirl1125 I have read hundreds of threads on this site but never registered/posted, and what you shared about your experience - along with your user name (my DOB is Nov. 24 and Sagittarius to boot) - compelled me this was a sign for me to finally comment on something. My 1 year old son's father, now ex fiancé, has struggled with anxiety and alcohol for most of the two years I've known him, and when he FINALLY got to a good space, at least how I perceived it, this past September, I experienced depression because I could finally let go and feel everything, and this lasted through October & November. I let myself feel it, got back into therapy, and had worked through it come December and the depression had lifted. That being said, ex ABF started relapsing this past month and as of two weekends ago, has been in jail. He would never ever do what he did drunk if he were sober, he is a complete Jekyll and Hyde case, but I called the cops on him and he was arrested. Maybe this was his bottom, that decision point for surrendering... I've never heard him 100% own up to being a full blown alcoholic and he recently had been trying to "control" his drinking, but he finally has and because he has lost so many opportunities in his life due to alcohol, he swears he doesn't want to lose anything more and will never touch a drop again. He's already met with the institution psychiatrist - FINALLY - and started taking long overdue meds for severe anxiety and some depression. I'm not sure how long he'll be in jail for, his hearing is March 14 and this is his third alcohol-related offense, but that's no longer my problem. He's already making great strides there, working out, quit smoking (forced), and obvi no access to alcohol. But now that he's physically away all I am focused on is being present and an amazing mommy to our sweet boy and focusing on my own recovery.

My mother was a severe alcoholic. She got charged with child neglect and my dad got full custody. Both my dad and step mom are adult children of alcoholics (ACoA) which also lent some dysfunction to my childhood. I was a #1 student in grade school growing up but once I left home I ended up flunking out twice from a top university, suffered tremendous anxiety, partied too much, wasted money, and it's really only been the last two years, beginning when I found out I was pregnant and finally found a counselor I connected with, that i discovered I had anxiety in the first place. After all this stuff with my ex ABF though, I've gone back to reading more about ACoAs and its unreal how much I realize now my mind and thought processes as an adult were influenced by the addiction I was around as a child. I share this because you mention a large amount of addicts in your life. I just bought this week Janet Woititz's book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and how she presents this information is clicking in a way for me that reading about it elsewhere in the past never quite did. I highly highly recommend it. Peace & hugs. :-)

dandylion

1125......it seems like it is very common for alcoholics to want us to just "wipe the slate clean"....of all the pain and trauma that we have suffered when they were drinking.....
I think it is very fair to state that you have suffered and it takes a while for healing and for trust to be re-built.....It is o,k, to require space for yourself...just like you are expected to give him space for his recovery.....
don't be afraid to stand up for your own needs......

This has also been a hard thing for me to deal with, also.....

I am speaking more to the alcoholism, and resultant behaviors.....
I am not talking specifically about bipolar, here....

dandylion

Yoga

It will probably take a little longer than 3 days for you to start having feelings of trust and intimacy again.