Mounting depression
Another Long Rookie Thread...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 76
Mounting depression
Just can't snap out of this. I've been staring at reports all morning at work and getting nothing done. I'm really losing it, since this terrible feeling was brought on by a bad decision that I've remedied but can't get over making (it cost me a promotion and some face, but I still have my old job; really not a huge deal). Now I just want to get up and leave and go to sleep, but I can't sleep and haven't slept well for days.
What scares me is that this is different. I went on a mild bender two weekends ago and have been sober for 10 days. I've done this so many times that I know exactly what the stages of "recovery" are and how I should feel at each one. This is completely different. I feel like I've ruined my life, I'm paranoid about distant possibilities and I can't keep my mind from racing. I have scripts from the doc for depression that aren't working so well yet. I know it takes a while for anitdeps to kick in, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm not even in a bad spot really anymore, but I keep feeling worse and worse. My girlfriend works at night (waitress) and I'm afraid I'll drink without her around this weekend (she doesn't drink at all). Right now I'm so upset that I don't even feel like drinking. That's the scariest thing. I can always blame my problems on alcohol, but now something else is terribly wrong.
Anyway, I'm already giving myself the "I'm too tired to go to meetings" excuse. Any tips on motivating to get out and go will be appreciated. I'm dreading this weekend and have a crazy week of work next week. It's all just overwhelming right now.
What scares me is that this is different. I went on a mild bender two weekends ago and have been sober for 10 days. I've done this so many times that I know exactly what the stages of "recovery" are and how I should feel at each one. This is completely different. I feel like I've ruined my life, I'm paranoid about distant possibilities and I can't keep my mind from racing. I have scripts from the doc for depression that aren't working so well yet. I know it takes a while for anitdeps to kick in, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm not even in a bad spot really anymore, but I keep feeling worse and worse. My girlfriend works at night (waitress) and I'm afraid I'll drink without her around this weekend (she doesn't drink at all). Right now I'm so upset that I don't even feel like drinking. That's the scariest thing. I can always blame my problems on alcohol, but now something else is terribly wrong.
Anyway, I'm already giving myself the "I'm too tired to go to meetings" excuse. Any tips on motivating to get out and go will be appreciated. I'm dreading this weekend and have a crazy week of work next week. It's all just overwhelming right now.
OH SH!T
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: RICHMOND,VIRGINIA-
Posts: 1,655
I KNOW THE FEELING MR.
JUST PICK UP SOMETHING,A BOOK,CALL A FRIEND,SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR MIND.
IF THAT MAKES SENCE.
THE MEDS WILL KICK IN,JUST HANG ON.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU MR.
STAY STRONG,YOUR WORTH IT!!!.............ted
JUST PICK UP SOMETHING,A BOOK,CALL A FRIEND,SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR MIND.
IF THAT MAKES SENCE.
THE MEDS WILL KICK IN,JUST HANG ON.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU MR.
STAY STRONG,YOUR WORTH IT!!!.............ted
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
(((((((MrHodes)))))))))
My motiviation really came from the recognition of the certain debacles that nearly always happened when I put the glass to my lips. Going to meetings and getting a sponsor really helped me get down to the root cause & conditions of my terror, bewilderment, frustration & despair. I was reminded often that when going through hell I did not have to furnish it! I could go THROUGH it to the other side but it would take much effort on my part. The efforts to continue in the pool of emotion got to be more than the simple effort of putting one foot in front of the other to ask for help and start changing. That is when I not only admitted my dilemma, but also accepted the ramifications for what that really meant. Now I had to become responsible for my own RECOVERY and that meant action and more action. These couple passages from AA's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions really hits home to me and were vital in my willingness to start making the needed changes.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."
My motiviation really came from the recognition of the certain debacles that nearly always happened when I put the glass to my lips. Going to meetings and getting a sponsor really helped me get down to the root cause & conditions of my terror, bewilderment, frustration & despair. I was reminded often that when going through hell I did not have to furnish it! I could go THROUGH it to the other side but it would take much effort on my part. The efforts to continue in the pool of emotion got to be more than the simple effort of putting one foot in front of the other to ask for help and start changing. That is when I not only admitted my dilemma, but also accepted the ramifications for what that really meant. Now I had to become responsible for my own RECOVERY and that meant action and more action. These couple passages from AA's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions really hits home to me and were vital in my willingness to start making the needed changes.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us. ....
Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.'s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect--unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.
- From AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions 1st Step
Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing A.A.'s remaining eleven Steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.'s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect--unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.
- From AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions 1st Step
Castaway
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 783
Hi mrhodes,
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It sounds like you're on overload. Stress is such an energy-sapper. It's really going to take an act of willpower on your part to turn yourself around. Like 3legs wrote, relying on your higher power is a great start. He can't help you if you don't help yourself. You're the key.
Sandy
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It sounds like you're on overload. Stress is such an energy-sapper. It's really going to take an act of willpower on your part to turn yourself around. Like 3legs wrote, relying on your higher power is a great start. He can't help you if you don't help yourself. You're the key.
Sandy
Another Long Rookie Thread...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 76
Ted, I just read that amazing thread. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. And best of luck with your program. I know starting those things can be scary, but you always feel better every day and feel much better afterward.
I should just be glad I hit a high bottom and make sure there are no bottoms from here on out. I've been having trouble going one day at a time. Here's to both of us having some strength today.
Matty
I should just be glad I hit a high bottom and make sure there are no bottoms from here on out. I've been having trouble going one day at a time. Here's to both of us having some strength today.
Matty
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