To wait or not for the rock bottom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 10
To wait or not for the rock bottom
Hi group, Im new here, been reading and absorbing. The stickys have been quite eye opening. I feel the need to write my story as I look for any additional insight you might have. Let me try and condense this.
My husband and I are in our early 30s with an 18 month old baby. We've been together for 13 years now, dated for 9 years before deciding that we wanted to marry, buy a house and have a baby. We were living the dream, we loved and adored each other, we fixed up a house and garden then married in our backyard. Around this time is when I noticed the drinking increasing, but it wasn't life altering, becoming more of an annoyance than anything. He wouldn't go a day without drinking, the drinks became heavier and earlier in the day.
Then about a year ago cocaine entered the picture. He hid his use from me for 6 months before I found out. During that time I complained why was he never home, he lied and said working to better our life. Once his use came out it was awful and escalated quite quickly. At that point he was using cocaine daily and drinking 7+ drinks a day. I believe cocaine to be his most immediate problem but that alcohol is his main love, using the cocaine allowed him to drink more without any drunk side effects. He could catch that vodka buzz he so loves and ride it out.
The cocaine use was so heavy and frequent that he began inducing cocaine psychosis. He became paranoid and delusional, saw things and people that didn't exist. He would turn all our outside lights off so the people wouldn't see him. He guarded our property nightly with a loaded weapon. He saw red lights down the road that were the people watching him. He saw people in night vision goggles in our yard watching him. He would leave at all hours of the night in his truck trying to get away from these people and would have run people over in his truck if given the opportunity.
I told him after finding him in this state of mind with a gun one night after putting our baby to sleep that he get help the next day or get out, that we weren't safe. He enrolled in an IOP but didn't last a week before binging and inducing a state of psychosis so bad that he checked himself into a detox program. Night 1 there he was all Im no good to anyone like this I cant continue this etc, then night 2 it was I cant wait to get out of here and have some blow and drinks, I said you can't be serious, but he was, saying a little bit is a good time a lot is what gets me in trouble.
As he checked out the next day I went to the courthouse and marchman acted him, this is like a baker act but for substance abuse. I honestly believed that he was a danger to himself and other people, that he could have easily killed someone, that if he could pause the drugs for a moment that he would gain a new perspective about his life and choices, that if his truths were now documented it certainly wouldn't hurt me to have left a paper trail and that this was the last way for me to push him toward constructive help, that I would be able to say I tried everything that I could. It killed me to do it, but oh how I loved him yet he was stuck in so much self induced craziness. The judge ordered him inpatient.
While in rehab I put together a christmas package of letters of support and encouragement from friends and family, I sent him books, wrote him my own love letters telling him how great he was, how we could get through this together, how much his baby needed him, how much he wanted our life too before he allowed it to get stolen. He remained angry and dismissive. After almost 1 month he was back home and his first night back I find a love letter he's written to a woman he met in rehab, telling her all the good things I have so desperately wanted to hear from him. As you all know the fights, the anger, the blaming, the therapy, the finger pointing, the massive amounts of hidden debt- it gets so old and hard, and here he is telling someone else how wonderful they are.
Shocked is an understatement. I took a few days to gather myself then wrote him that we should divorce, that he left me a long time ago, that our baby deserved a father and I a husband that put me first and wanted to build a life with me, that he always seems to want what he wants and what he didn't want was us. He asked me to give him 90 days, we- wait, I , tried rebuilding but what he led me to believe were 'slips' after coming home was him right back in active addiction, lying, deceiving and then actually telling me he 'gets off' on the deceit of living a double life, like 'when you steal and don't get caught.' He induced psychosis again and spend all night wigging out, ran over and smashed our mailbox. I find out later he never even read my letter other than the last paragraph as he just didn't want to 'hear it.'
I was very clear with him that I would not live with him in active addiction, so once I knew I kicked him out, for the first time he cried and apologized and asked for me not to do this to him. I said you did this to you, you knew the rules, you broke them and these are the consequences, get out, this house will not be your soft place to pass out. Several days after he left I packed up all his clothes in boxes and put them outside with a note saying that I loved him like crazy, but that enough was enough and that I so badly hoped he would develop the desire to turn his life around before it was too late for us. That was 2 weeks ago and we haven't really communicated since.
The sticky written about potential really hit me this week, I have been so desperately trying to get him to reach his potential, for him to turn back into the man I loved and married, this all just happened so quickly and during such a wonderful time in our life, part of me is still in denial, like if I could find the switch I could change him back, like if he gets a little more time he will change.
But in trying to help him reach his potential, which he seems to not want to do, I am losing all of mine, it's killing me and I am becoming a person I dont want to be and I wont let his addictions steal my worth. I texted him something along these lines a couple nights ago with no response. I want so much more out of life and I have told him that time and time again but he doesn't change. So I feel stuck with one foot out the door and one foot left wanting the infamous rock bottom to be reached and him to want to change but feeling like I am out of time as far as waiting. It's too hard raising the baby while worrying about him. And it makes me so sad to be living our life that we created and dreamt of alone. The when does pain stop sticky also hit me, it's time for the pain to stop I just so desperately thought he would allow it to stop vs me leaving him. Perhaps the hard reality is that the cocaine simply escalated the time period of what would have been a bad life for myself. So sad.
My husband and I are in our early 30s with an 18 month old baby. We've been together for 13 years now, dated for 9 years before deciding that we wanted to marry, buy a house and have a baby. We were living the dream, we loved and adored each other, we fixed up a house and garden then married in our backyard. Around this time is when I noticed the drinking increasing, but it wasn't life altering, becoming more of an annoyance than anything. He wouldn't go a day without drinking, the drinks became heavier and earlier in the day.
Then about a year ago cocaine entered the picture. He hid his use from me for 6 months before I found out. During that time I complained why was he never home, he lied and said working to better our life. Once his use came out it was awful and escalated quite quickly. At that point he was using cocaine daily and drinking 7+ drinks a day. I believe cocaine to be his most immediate problem but that alcohol is his main love, using the cocaine allowed him to drink more without any drunk side effects. He could catch that vodka buzz he so loves and ride it out.
The cocaine use was so heavy and frequent that he began inducing cocaine psychosis. He became paranoid and delusional, saw things and people that didn't exist. He would turn all our outside lights off so the people wouldn't see him. He guarded our property nightly with a loaded weapon. He saw red lights down the road that were the people watching him. He saw people in night vision goggles in our yard watching him. He would leave at all hours of the night in his truck trying to get away from these people and would have run people over in his truck if given the opportunity.
I told him after finding him in this state of mind with a gun one night after putting our baby to sleep that he get help the next day or get out, that we weren't safe. He enrolled in an IOP but didn't last a week before binging and inducing a state of psychosis so bad that he checked himself into a detox program. Night 1 there he was all Im no good to anyone like this I cant continue this etc, then night 2 it was I cant wait to get out of here and have some blow and drinks, I said you can't be serious, but he was, saying a little bit is a good time a lot is what gets me in trouble.
As he checked out the next day I went to the courthouse and marchman acted him, this is like a baker act but for substance abuse. I honestly believed that he was a danger to himself and other people, that he could have easily killed someone, that if he could pause the drugs for a moment that he would gain a new perspective about his life and choices, that if his truths were now documented it certainly wouldn't hurt me to have left a paper trail and that this was the last way for me to push him toward constructive help, that I would be able to say I tried everything that I could. It killed me to do it, but oh how I loved him yet he was stuck in so much self induced craziness. The judge ordered him inpatient.
While in rehab I put together a christmas package of letters of support and encouragement from friends and family, I sent him books, wrote him my own love letters telling him how great he was, how we could get through this together, how much his baby needed him, how much he wanted our life too before he allowed it to get stolen. He remained angry and dismissive. After almost 1 month he was back home and his first night back I find a love letter he's written to a woman he met in rehab, telling her all the good things I have so desperately wanted to hear from him. As you all know the fights, the anger, the blaming, the therapy, the finger pointing, the massive amounts of hidden debt- it gets so old and hard, and here he is telling someone else how wonderful they are.
Shocked is an understatement. I took a few days to gather myself then wrote him that we should divorce, that he left me a long time ago, that our baby deserved a father and I a husband that put me first and wanted to build a life with me, that he always seems to want what he wants and what he didn't want was us. He asked me to give him 90 days, we- wait, I , tried rebuilding but what he led me to believe were 'slips' after coming home was him right back in active addiction, lying, deceiving and then actually telling me he 'gets off' on the deceit of living a double life, like 'when you steal and don't get caught.' He induced psychosis again and spend all night wigging out, ran over and smashed our mailbox. I find out later he never even read my letter other than the last paragraph as he just didn't want to 'hear it.'
I was very clear with him that I would not live with him in active addiction, so once I knew I kicked him out, for the first time he cried and apologized and asked for me not to do this to him. I said you did this to you, you knew the rules, you broke them and these are the consequences, get out, this house will not be your soft place to pass out. Several days after he left I packed up all his clothes in boxes and put them outside with a note saying that I loved him like crazy, but that enough was enough and that I so badly hoped he would develop the desire to turn his life around before it was too late for us. That was 2 weeks ago and we haven't really communicated since.
The sticky written about potential really hit me this week, I have been so desperately trying to get him to reach his potential, for him to turn back into the man I loved and married, this all just happened so quickly and during such a wonderful time in our life, part of me is still in denial, like if I could find the switch I could change him back, like if he gets a little more time he will change.
But in trying to help him reach his potential, which he seems to not want to do, I am losing all of mine, it's killing me and I am becoming a person I dont want to be and I wont let his addictions steal my worth. I texted him something along these lines a couple nights ago with no response. I want so much more out of life and I have told him that time and time again but he doesn't change. So I feel stuck with one foot out the door and one foot left wanting the infamous rock bottom to be reached and him to want to change but feeling like I am out of time as far as waiting. It's too hard raising the baby while worrying about him. And it makes me so sad to be living our life that we created and dreamt of alone. The when does pain stop sticky also hit me, it's time for the pain to stop I just so desperately thought he would allow it to stop vs me leaving him. Perhaps the hard reality is that the cocaine simply escalated the time period of what would have been a bad life for myself. So sad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Bluebirds, I am so very, very sorry for your pain. I am deeply glad he has left your home, and I hope for your sake, and especially for your baby's sake, that he stays gone. Patrolling the property with a loaded weapon while experiencing cocaine-induced psychosis? My friend, it is not a question of if, but WHEN, something will go terribly, terribly wrong in that situation.
The more your emotional focus is on him, and what he did to you, and what his potential is, and what if he would just choose sobriety...the longer it will take YOU to start your own recovery. I am 100% sure you are seriously traumatized. If I were in your shoes, I would get myself into my counselor (assuming you have one...if not, hopefully you can find one quickly) at least once a week for the next couple of months. I would focus on the peace you feel at home now that the chaos and insanity has moved out. And most of all, I would focus on how much better your baby's life will be. Imagine what it would be like to be 5, or 10, or 15 years old and living in a home where Dad is straight up psychotic and in possession of loaded firearms.
What your husband does is his business, and the more you can let go of your need to know and worry and control, the better you will feel.
The more your emotional focus is on him, and what he did to you, and what his potential is, and what if he would just choose sobriety...the longer it will take YOU to start your own recovery. I am 100% sure you are seriously traumatized. If I were in your shoes, I would get myself into my counselor (assuming you have one...if not, hopefully you can find one quickly) at least once a week for the next couple of months. I would focus on the peace you feel at home now that the chaos and insanity has moved out. And most of all, I would focus on how much better your baby's life will be. Imagine what it would be like to be 5, or 10, or 15 years old and living in a home where Dad is straight up psychotic and in possession of loaded firearms.
What your husband does is his business, and the more you can let go of your need to know and worry and control, the better you will feel.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this (and welcome, BTW), but you won't know what someone's "rock bottom" really was until they are dead. I've been sober seven years, myself, after two marriages to alcoholics, and my late sponsor used to say, "Every bottom has a trap door." It's always possible to fall again, and to fall further.
Seems to me he's pretty much shown you, repeatedly, where his head is at. And it isn't in sobriety.
You and your baby deserve a happy, safe life and you will not have that with him. Not to say he is forever hopeless, but for right now he's not ready to be done.
If I were you I'd go talk to a lawyer ASAP to find out what you can do to protect yourself and your child. You don't have to file anything unless/until you are ready, but without an order for custody and support, he could take the baby any time (maybe in one of his psychotic breaks) and you would have to go to court to get the baby back.
Seems to me he's pretty much shown you, repeatedly, where his head is at. And it isn't in sobriety.
You and your baby deserve a happy, safe life and you will not have that with him. Not to say he is forever hopeless, but for right now he's not ready to be done.
If I were you I'd go talk to a lawyer ASAP to find out what you can do to protect yourself and your child. You don't have to file anything unless/until you are ready, but without an order for custody and support, he could take the baby any time (maybe in one of his psychotic breaks) and you would have to go to court to get the baby back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This is incredibly scary. Waiting for his rock bottom is a very dangerous proposition. What if his rock bottom is sitting on death row because he murdered you and your child in a cocaine induced psychosis? I kept myself and my children in an increasingly dangerous and volatile situation because I was waiting for my ex to hit bottom, and I regret doing that.
I used to have a huge investment in wanting my ex to get sober because I thought that it would stop all the other bad things going on in our home. I also had high hopes that me leaving would be a wake up call to him.
I had to start over from scratch, and at first it felt like flushing my hopes and dreams down the drain. Not to mention the massive investment of time and energy I'd put into trying to save him, save our relationship, and keep those hopes and dreams alive.
He wasn't on board with that. He didn't want to be. He chooses to continue drinking and not seek help for any of his issues. I am making peace with that. It's his choice, not mine, and it's not a reflection of my worth as a partner or human being, but a sad testament to the insidious power of addiction.
I have the choice to dream new dreams, to find new hopes and to put my energy into my own happiness. I have the choice to raise my children in peace and safety, far away from his alcoholic rages and abuse. I have the choice to work on my own recovery to my addiction to relationships, controlling and drama.
Very glad you have found us, though sorry for what has brought you to this point. Reading the stickies is an excellent start. When I first started lurking here (about 6 months before I worked up the courage to actually join and start posting). I spent a lot of that time crying and looking for ways that my situation was "unique" and different from everyone else's. It took me a little longer to work up the courage to start going to Alanon, but I found my meetings to be a tremendous source of healing as well.
Please keep reading and posting. We are here for you.
I used to have a huge investment in wanting my ex to get sober because I thought that it would stop all the other bad things going on in our home. I also had high hopes that me leaving would be a wake up call to him.
I had to start over from scratch, and at first it felt like flushing my hopes and dreams down the drain. Not to mention the massive investment of time and energy I'd put into trying to save him, save our relationship, and keep those hopes and dreams alive.
He wasn't on board with that. He didn't want to be. He chooses to continue drinking and not seek help for any of his issues. I am making peace with that. It's his choice, not mine, and it's not a reflection of my worth as a partner or human being, but a sad testament to the insidious power of addiction.
I have the choice to dream new dreams, to find new hopes and to put my energy into my own happiness. I have the choice to raise my children in peace and safety, far away from his alcoholic rages and abuse. I have the choice to work on my own recovery to my addiction to relationships, controlling and drama.
Very glad you have found us, though sorry for what has brought you to this point. Reading the stickies is an excellent start. When I first started lurking here (about 6 months before I worked up the courage to actually join and start posting). I spent a lot of that time crying and looking for ways that my situation was "unique" and different from everyone else's. It took me a little longer to work up the courage to start going to Alanon, but I found my meetings to be a tremendous source of healing as well.
Please keep reading and posting. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome to SR!
Nobody knows what someone's bottom is, or if they even have one. Some don't, dome choose death. I have seen that with my own eyes. My Uncle drank himself to death when he had been warned, was sick, hospitalized, coma, it didn't matter. His drinking escalated.
Every day that you wait for him to hit bottom you are actually perpetuating your own demise. The spouses and partners of Alcoholics and Addicts die 1000x death trying to save what can't be saved.
Given the history I strongly recommend you move forward to save yourself and your child. There is no indication here of your husband wanting to change. He is dangerous to himself and those around him, especially your child. I wish and hope that sometime in the future he will embrace sobriety. We must deal with the present though, not future trip about what we wish and hope for. Today you husband is a dangerous addict who indulges to the point of psychosis. I really hope you will choose to stay as far away from him as you can.
Addiction is a disease of denial. It would seem unbelievable that he can still deny a problem but rest assured, you and everybody else is the problem not him, in his mind.
Wishing you peace and strength to continue a journey free of this mess. You deserve it and so does your baby.
Nobody knows what someone's bottom is, or if they even have one. Some don't, dome choose death. I have seen that with my own eyes. My Uncle drank himself to death when he had been warned, was sick, hospitalized, coma, it didn't matter. His drinking escalated.
Every day that you wait for him to hit bottom you are actually perpetuating your own demise. The spouses and partners of Alcoholics and Addicts die 1000x death trying to save what can't be saved.
Given the history I strongly recommend you move forward to save yourself and your child. There is no indication here of your husband wanting to change. He is dangerous to himself and those around him, especially your child. I wish and hope that sometime in the future he will embrace sobriety. We must deal with the present though, not future trip about what we wish and hope for. Today you husband is a dangerous addict who indulges to the point of psychosis. I really hope you will choose to stay as far away from him as you can.
Addiction is a disease of denial. It would seem unbelievable that he can still deny a problem but rest assured, you and everybody else is the problem not him, in his mind.
Wishing you peace and strength to continue a journey free of this mess. You deserve it and so does your baby.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Bluebirds. Welcome to a great board. Some of us have different styles and approaches to how we interact with problem solving. Your story breaks my heart to read.
Let me ask you a simple question that will hopefully start to steer you.
Does it really matter what his rock bottom is? Do YOU want to to wait to see this get worse?
I read your story and say to you........why are you waiting for this to get worse than it already is?
Let me ask you a simple question that will hopefully start to steer you.
Does it really matter what his rock bottom is? Do YOU want to to wait to see this get worse?
I read your story and say to you........why are you waiting for this to get worse than it already is?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Welcome, I am glad you are here and I am sorry for what has brought you here...
You sound so strong, and so resolved and your baby is so lucky to have you!
Wanting someone to reach their potential and believing in the hope of what things could have been, caused me to stay with my now xAH for far too long and subject our young kids to abuse, stress and angst which they are in therapy because of.
You are such a wonderful mother for recognizing for your sake and your child's that at this point in the process, with how your husband is behaving, you are wanting this more than him and that you are losing yourself for trying to save him.
I wish I had been able, like you, to realize that much sooner than I did.
Im glad you are here... My heart goes out to you.
You sound so strong, and so resolved and your baby is so lucky to have you!
Wanting someone to reach their potential and believing in the hope of what things could have been, caused me to stay with my now xAH for far too long and subject our young kids to abuse, stress and angst which they are in therapy because of.
You are such a wonderful mother for recognizing for your sake and your child's that at this point in the process, with how your husband is behaving, you are wanting this more than him and that you are losing yourself for trying to save him.
I wish I had been able, like you, to realize that much sooner than I did.
Im glad you are here... My heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry you have a need to be here, but glad you found us & took time to read the stickys! (((Hugs)))
One thing that sticks out to me is that HE isn't seeking out help or showing any signs of thinking that he needs or wants to quit his habits. As you've seen, no amount of work on your side of the fence will create that desire inside of him, it truly is something that has to start with him.
I'm chiming in with the chorus here - waiting around for rock bottom is a scary idea when it involves cocaine, weapons & babies. Knowing what I know now, *I* would not entertain the idea of passively waiting to see what happens organically. I'd be working hard on Plan B to make sure that baby was taken care of.... which primarily includes a healthy, happy Mama
.... but also financial security, etc.
One thing that sticks out to me is that HE isn't seeking out help or showing any signs of thinking that he needs or wants to quit his habits. As you've seen, no amount of work on your side of the fence will create that desire inside of him, it truly is something that has to start with him.
I'm chiming in with the chorus here - waiting around for rock bottom is a scary idea when it involves cocaine, weapons & babies. Knowing what I know now, *I* would not entertain the idea of passively waiting to see what happens organically. I'd be working hard on Plan B to make sure that baby was taken care of.... which primarily includes a healthy, happy Mama
.... but also financial security, etc.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bluebirds....you did the only thing that you can do...if you want life for you and your child....
If you have been reading here, you can see how vital it is to get help and support for yourself.....
from my point if view, the biggest deciding factor to healing is the willingness to seek and accept help.....
As hard as it is to realize....love, alone, is not enough......
dandylion
If you have been reading here, you can see how vital it is to get help and support for yourself.....
from my point if view, the biggest deciding factor to healing is the willingness to seek and accept help.....
As hard as it is to realize....love, alone, is not enough......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome.
Read around here, there is lots of good info from people who truly understand.
I just want you to understand, I don't even believe in the "Rock Bottom" theory. Some people don't have a bottom at all.
Many hugs to you. Please stay safe.
Read around here, there is lots of good info from people who truly understand.
I just want you to understand, I don't even believe in the "Rock Bottom" theory. Some people don't have a bottom at all.
Many hugs to you. Please stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think we look so hard and anticipate so much for someone else to hit their rock bottom that we don’t realize we’ve hit our own.
Like it was said, everyone’s rock bottom is different like with my ex when I thought he had really hit rock bottom (this time because there were many) he picked up a shovel and kept on digging.
It’s really not their bottom that we need to focus on, it’s our own.
Like it was said, everyone’s rock bottom is different like with my ex when I thought he had really hit rock bottom (this time because there were many) he picked up a shovel and kept on digging.
It’s really not their bottom that we need to focus on, it’s our own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I echo all of the above comments. There isn't much I can add. I am proud of you for taking the hard steps you have so far. Putting you and especially your baby first is what should take priority. As silly as it may seem, it is often unrealized that we sometimes lose sight of that fact when we are fighting to get our spouses to wake up and choose sobriety and family. We can't make them choose the right things, but we can believe them by their actions and make the right choices for our children and ourselves, that is ALL we have control over. It took me a long time and a lot of painful self reflection to see this.
I'm so very glad you have found SR. It is truly a wonderful place full of wisdom from experience.
Praying for you and the baby..hugs!
I'm so very glad you have found SR. It is truly a wonderful place full of wisdom from experience.
Praying for you and the baby..hugs!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I just want to say how much I admire your courage and grace under fire. Your post is so eloquent and vivid...I hurt for what you're going through. Your child is fortunate to have you as a mom.
You will get through this. Better days are coming for you and your baby.
Sending you both a hug.
You will get through this. Better days are coming for you and your baby.
Sending you both a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Welcome to the forum! I am incredibly scared reading your story-it brought up memories of my ex husband when he did literally have some sort of mental break after his dad passed. My ex did the same thing-stormed around house drinker than drunk running with a loaded shot gun in the middle of the night to kill the people doing cocaine in front of our home-I was 7 months pregnant and our oldest was only 3 years old in bed a few yards away. Thank God nobody was shot or injured but it still ranks as one if the scariest nights of my life. I kept waiting for my ex to hit rock bottom but he never did-just got worse when I did not think there was any lower to go. He does not want to deal with any of his issues-drinking being the main one but the entitled attitude he has and arrogance to abuse-he thinks it's ok-those are totally different things! Your ex needs some major help-but it seems as though he does not think so, at this time. You and your child cannot go on living this way-this is awful and not safe at all. Please get yourself some support and get you and your child away from this person. (Said with as much empathy and concern as possible).
You are courageous and strong to reach out for help and break the silence. It took me years to reach out for help-and have the courage to speak the truth. You can do this! There is happiness waiting for you on the other side, for you and your child.
You are courageous and strong to reach out for help and break the silence. It took me years to reach out for help-and have the courage to speak the truth. You can do this! There is happiness waiting for you on the other side, for you and your child.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and some addicts would keep ona going AFTER death if they could.....
my own mother remained defiant when the doctor told her that if she had as much as ONE more drink, it would kill her. and was drinking again the night she was released from the hospital. three days later she was back in the hospital and her next release was to the funeral home.
someone who has used enough drugs to develop psychosis on a repeated continual basis has a lot more than JUST a drug problem. their brains have been damaged, and no one knows to what degree the brain will recover. i remember a kid back in my hometown that did a hit of acid, had a VERY bad trip and was NEVER the same again. while no body is well equipped to deal with excess use of drugs or alcohol, some are more dramatically and sometimes irreversibly affected than others.
all that aside, this man is DANGEROUS, unstable, volatile, and capable of just about anything. DO NOT TRUST HIM. if he does contact you, do not fall for ONE SINGLE THING he has to say along the lines of "I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It Will Never Happen Again" (also known as the Alcoholic Oath, said with or without hand raised), or Baby give me one more chance, I can't do this without you, you are tearing our family apart.
stay safe. stay wise!
my own mother remained defiant when the doctor told her that if she had as much as ONE more drink, it would kill her. and was drinking again the night she was released from the hospital. three days later she was back in the hospital and her next release was to the funeral home.
someone who has used enough drugs to develop psychosis on a repeated continual basis has a lot more than JUST a drug problem. their brains have been damaged, and no one knows to what degree the brain will recover. i remember a kid back in my hometown that did a hit of acid, had a VERY bad trip and was NEVER the same again. while no body is well equipped to deal with excess use of drugs or alcohol, some are more dramatically and sometimes irreversibly affected than others.
all that aside, this man is DANGEROUS, unstable, volatile, and capable of just about anything. DO NOT TRUST HIM. if he does contact you, do not fall for ONE SINGLE THING he has to say along the lines of "I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It Will Never Happen Again" (also known as the Alcoholic Oath, said with or without hand raised), or Baby give me one more chance, I can't do this without you, you are tearing our family apart.
stay safe. stay wise!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
I'm very sorry for what brought you here. It takes a lot of strength to separate from an addict and focus on yourself. It sounds like you are on a good path.
Seeing an addiction counselor and learning everything I could about addiction was helpful for me. My AH exhibited crazy mood swings and had a woman on the side too. Not the best times in my life for sure.
There is a lot of wisdom on this board. Reading here prepared me for the tearful, begging, crying, please come back to me appeals that started after AH realized I was serious.
Sadly, 6 months ago my AH's bottom was death. I feel like I am only now starting to wade through the trauma that living with active addiction brings.
Have you considered going to Al Anon? It's nice to meet others who have gone through similar things.
Best of luck to you and your baby.
Seeing an addiction counselor and learning everything I could about addiction was helpful for me. My AH exhibited crazy mood swings and had a woman on the side too. Not the best times in my life for sure.
There is a lot of wisdom on this board. Reading here prepared me for the tearful, begging, crying, please come back to me appeals that started after AH realized I was serious.
Sadly, 6 months ago my AH's bottom was death. I feel like I am only now starting to wade through the trauma that living with active addiction brings.
Have you considered going to Al Anon? It's nice to meet others who have gone through similar things.
Best of luck to you and your baby.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I've been waiting for 13 years. I'm still waiting and got to deal with her most recent DWI just last week. So fun! Queue guilt, remorse, and "I've learned my lesson this time..." Hah! 
I don't have it to do over again, but if I did I wouldn't do it. I'd save my daughter and I'd save me-- not a perfect situation but no mother would have been better than drunk/using mother. And Dad alone would have been way, way, way better than I was with drunk/using mother. At least DD has escaped now-- she lives in another city.
C-
I don't have it to do over again, but if I did I wouldn't do it. I'd save my daughter and I'd save me-- not a perfect situation but no mother would have been better than drunk/using mother. And Dad alone would have been way, way, way better than I was with drunk/using mother. At least DD has escaped now-- she lives in another city.
C-
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
BB,
I am so sorry, you can see a lot of us have walked in your shoes. Some still are, some have divorced and some lost their spouses. It is a horrible disease and the better educated about it the better.
It's very hard to comprehend that the addict doesn't have a problem with their drinking, the spouse does. So technically it is the spouses problem. Once we accept that, we have to figure out what we want.
Do we want to continue to live like this, separate, or divorce for our own sanity. Because it is no longer about the addict, he has taken up enough time in your brain. It has to be about you and baby bluebird.
Try and hit some alanon meetings, keep posting on SR, read in the other forums about this horrible disease. At that time you can make some educated decisions on what you want for you and bbb.
Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!
I am so sorry, you can see a lot of us have walked in your shoes. Some still are, some have divorced and some lost their spouses. It is a horrible disease and the better educated about it the better.
It's very hard to comprehend that the addict doesn't have a problem with their drinking, the spouse does. So technically it is the spouses problem. Once we accept that, we have to figure out what we want.
Do we want to continue to live like this, separate, or divorce for our own sanity. Because it is no longer about the addict, he has taken up enough time in your brain. It has to be about you and baby bluebird.
Try and hit some alanon meetings, keep posting on SR, read in the other forums about this horrible disease. At that time you can make some educated decisions on what you want for you and bbb.
Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
I've been waiting for 13 years. I'm still waiting and got to deal with her most recent DWI just last week. So fun! Queue guilt, remorse, and "I've learned my lesson this time..." Hah!
I don't have it to do over again, but if I did I wouldn't do it. I'd save my daughter and I'd save me-- not a perfect situation but no mother would have been better than drunk/using mother. And Dad alone would have been way, way, way better than I was with drunk/using mother. At least DD has escaped now-- she lives in another city.
C-
I don't have it to do over again, but if I did I wouldn't do it. I'd save my daughter and I'd save me-- not a perfect situation but no mother would have been better than drunk/using mother. And Dad alone would have been way, way, way better than I was with drunk/using mother. At least DD has escaped now-- she lives in another city.
C-
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