audiokat

Hi all, I'm new here and found the site after seeking help for what I consider to be an alcohol problem albeit, maybe different to others.

Firstly, I will talk about why I am seeking help, how alcohol is ruining my life and what my drinking consists of and what I wish to achieve.

I don't drink every day, sometimes I can go as long as a month with no ill effects, no desire to drink and no thoughts of alcohol. I don't know how to class this other than binge drinking but during the binge, I don't stop until I pass out, I wake up and continue again finally emerging the 3rd day unable to consume any more due to feeling terrible. But I do not stop and Im unable to stop once I start.

There is usually no trigger, sometimes I fall out with my girlfriend and I binge then but I just decide I fancy getting drunk and then that's it.

On its own, this might not seem like a massive problem, a lot of people get drunk now and again but it affects my relationship with my girlfriend as recently I have started changing into someone nasty when drunk, I haven't become violent but the thought scares me, it scares my partner and I wish to stop completely as she means more to me than alcohol.

I have started becoming loud, aggressive, argumentative and hitting inanimate objects. I argued last night in the car, we had been to a wedding and she wasn't drinking and rarely does but I drank all day and into the early hrs. I started getting out of order, I don't recall exactly what I said but I was getting loud, pointing my finger at her and was just going on and being horrible. She obviously got upset too, the argument went further and I got angry and hit the car windscreen with my fist smashing it. She left, and I don't know where my relationship is at just now. It's not the first time an argument has developed under these conditions and I just want to stop. It's not me, it's not who I am and it's not the man I want for her. We have been together 4 years and whilst these are rare events, they are a real problem and I want to do more than just say to her that I will stop.

We get on great, we laugh, are warm to each other, enjoy each others company, do lots of things together, rarely argue at all really and whilst you can not always hope to agree on things, we are always diplomatic, understanding and respectful of each others point of view. I'm never, never remotely like this when I'm sober.I also love her deeply, she means everything to me and I don't know how I'd cope knowing I destroyed us. And this is exactly what I am doing. I could just say to her that I will stop but they are only words, by making this physical and getting it out there, it makes it more real to me and makes me believe that I am prepared to look at myself and make a difference.

My mates are all down the pub, if I don't go there, I don't really see anyone. I don't think I would go down and just drink soft drinks, I'd sooner not bother at all so this is one are that I would need to think about. Social events too, where alcohol seems the norm. Would be strange for people to suddenly see me not having a beer in such situations. What reasons do you say?

can anybody offer suggestions on how I can best approach this? I want to go see my GP tomorrow but I don't know how to classify this as whilst it may not seem like a physical dependency, I think there are definitely some issues and in the past alcohol abuse has led to me missing days at work, caused pancreatitis, not eating properly and spending money I needed for other things. I was drinking more then but there is some underlying cause and I do not know why it is.

Thanks for listening.

least

Welcome to the family. Binge drinking is alcoholism too and it sounds like you're ready to get sober for good now.

I hope the support here can help you do that.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Audiokat!!

AnvilheadII

Would be strange for people to suddenly see me not having a beer in such situations.

let that be the LEAST of your concerns, ok? unlike politicians, we don't live our lives by polls or what others MIGHT think. you know in your heart this IS a problem for YOU....and that is enough. if you never drink again, your GF will never need to be afraid of you in a drunken rage again. you won't lose days at a time.

props to you for sharing your story here.

Hevyn

Welcome audiokat - you found a great place to talk things over.

For me, once it was in my system I never knew what the outcome would be. Drinking led me to some very dangerous places - caused me to say & do out-of-character things. It took me a long time to admit it, but the only way to stay safe was to stop letting it rule my world. I couldn't touch a drop, ever. I'd proven that to myself many times. It was no longer fun, and never could be again. It feels so good to be free of it. You can do it!

Anna

Hi Audio, You don't need to worry at all about classifying it. If alcohol is causing problems in your life, then stopping drinking seems like the smart choice. It seems like your relationship with your girlfriend, your health, your job, would all improve without alcohol in the mix.

And, yes, there are changes that most of us make in our lives in order to stay sober. You might need to find some sober friends and develop activities/hobbies that don't involve alcohol.

Soberpotamus

Welcome

I was a binge drinker too. It was causing me enough problems that I had to quit. It doesn't really matter why we drink -- if it's causing negative consequences, it's time to consider removing drinking as an option.

audiokat

Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. I want to try and put this right and show that I care and that I'm willing to tackle this seriously.

I said this before but I just voiced it and it slowly crept back in over time, she said that she's heard this before but I have a different mindset now, I feel differently about this because I want to stop and I do not feel like I did before that I was somehow depriving myself of something and missing out.

I don't know what help is available out there but I wish to seek some as I want to explore why I feel the need to drink to excess when I drink, I'm not feeling bad ( usually ) down or anything, sometimes quite the opposite but when I hit the blacking out stage, I don't know who I am and neither does she.

Because I'm not a regular drinker, it's going to be difficult convincing her I am serious about this, I have asked for the oppurtunity and have given her space to think things through. Like I say, I think by seeking outside help I am making this a real thing, something with a goal, a journey and an indication to her that it is more than words because I don't want her to experience this, it's not right, it's not fair, it's not who I am and it's killing us.

What sort of things could I find helpful? I don't know about what's out there, where to go or anything at the moment. I just want to do this...

audiokat

You're right and I think I would even be better off saying the truth if a friend asked me. If I say I stopped drinking because it began to affect my relationship, it stays real, it reinforces and keeps alive the reason I wanted to quit in the first place. If I deny it and say health reasons or whatever, I'm not being honest am I and how long before the real reasons start to disappear to the back of the mind?

Obviously I'm being way over the top to consider these things at the moment, but my mind is a wandering mind and I have sat on these thoughts all day. I don't even like drinking that much, I make myself sick halfway through to unbloat myself so I can get more in. It's nuts, absolute nuts

ALinNS

I was a binge closet drinker, could go for weeks, may be months and never touch a drink however when I picked up one I was on a roller coaster ride that was desperate hard to get off.

No going to meet your beds shows a desire to get this under control, we can offer suggestions based on our experiences and hopefull something sticks.

Good work as you have made the first step

Andrew

FreeOwl

welcome!

You've come to a great place to learn more about addiction to alcohol.... what it looks like, how it progresses, where it leads....

And how - if you choose - you can lead a much richer, more joyful, more rewarding and present and wonderful life in sobriety.

Stick around!!

least

You can probably find AA meetings where you live. They're all over the world. Lots of support there.

There are other programs too, like Smart and AVRT. I saw an addiction counselor for the first few years of my recovery. It was a tremendous help to me.

I also found a lot of support right here at SR.

D122y

A,

Getting angry and now violent when drinking is terrifying.

One time I flipped a coffee table over half way on to the couch and then did a massive karate kick stomp and busted a hole in the middle of it. My wife was not listening to me and I needed her attention. Somehow, she stayed w me after that insane drunken move.

One of my life move fails.

My bud quit because he was the same way. He was a 0 or 22 guy.

He hasn't had a drop in 11 years.

Alcohol is poison. Don't believe the hype.

Do yourself a huge favor and decide you don't drink any more.

You will never regret it.

There is not a situation that alcohol can't make worse.

audiokat

Yes I do this. I have no clue as to what I wish to achieve, it's like I'm carrying on and on, can after can in some bid to 'get somewhere', I dunno, I cannot put my finger on it but if it's say close to the off license closing, I will panic if I only have say 4 cans left so I rush out and ensure I have enough to keep going until I pass out. I feel lost when I hit the last can and have none left, I will get anxious and consider the 4 mile walk to a 24hr Tesco for more. It's crazy when I sit and ponder over it. I split my head open last year at home. I fell off my computer chair and cracked it on the corner of a table and had to be taken to hospital. Yet I carried on.

My mother died from alcohol poisoning, she developed alcoholism after my nan died ( natural causes ) and struggled with it, then she retired, felt she had no purpose and began drinking gin and vodka, one day I found her dead after seeing her the night before. You think that would have had an impact on me stopping but it didn't. It didn't because I never admitted to myself that I had an issue myself, because I binged, I could say well I'm not addicted, I can go for weeks without touching a drop. It's nonesence.

Nothing has ever had an impact because I've denied the problem and maintained that I was in control. This is the first time I have ever reached out about it because clearly I am not in control at all. I can tell myself all the reasons in the world, how I am good for nothing the next day, hungover, tired, shocked at what I may have done or said, how much I've spent, if I've injured myself but it's never had an impact like this because it was just about me, now it is crystal clear that it is not just about me its about someone who loves me and who I love and what it is doing to them and us. That is far, far more reaching and is a massive wake up call.

audiokat

Went to see GP this afternoon and have an appointment tomorrow at 10 am, no idea what to expect but will explain away and see what goes from there.

This seems like too much for my relationship to continue which is obviously cutting me up now and now if I'm dealing with that and still trying to do this, is it too much at the wrong time? I don't feel like drinking to bury any emotions but am I doing this for her, for me, or for us? If there is no more 'us', I'd be lying if part of me thinks what's the point.

HighDraw18

Audiokat - I'm here for the same reason...infrequent binges that end up in disasters. I know how you're feeling.

Good luck.

Berrybean

There are plenty of others who have found themselves in the same place as you - me for one. I never drank every day. And SOMETIMES when I drank it didn't get out of hand. But I never could tell when it would or wouldn't - it was like a game of Russian Roulette, and it took me realising that all those times that went 'wrong' (I'll spare you the details, but nothing that a thousand drunks haven't done before or since me doing them) had in common was... there was always a first drink. That one led to the next and the next and the next, etc., etc. Sometimes I could switch off but not always. The switch was faulty and was getting progressively less reliable. I realised that it was only a matter of time til my off-switch broke altogether. It was like, if I know the brakes on a car are faulty, do I really want to get in and drive??

Surrender + Honesty +Willingness = Recovery

Recovery: Serenity+Freedom

Berrybean

For me and countless others, AA or Smart has been helpful.
The plus side to AA is that it is everywhere and it is free. (There is also Al Anon which is for partners or family of alcoholics and helps them deal with how our alcoholism affects them. - And this included alcoholics in recovery, because we're not an easy bunch to live with, drinking or sober).

5upersonic

I hope this doesn't sound out of turn but I'd consider whether visiting your GP is a the right option, if you're in the UK like me. I did so myself and this is how it went:

- The GP made a note on my file, despite me asking them not to. I've since felt forced to declare it on numerous health insurance type forms. They all carry a question along the lines of 'have you ever visited your GP due to concerns about your drinking'. A yes answer means providing further details.

- I was referred to a counsellor who thought he could teach me moderate drinking. One of his teachings was that I should buy half bottles of wine instead of full bottles; as ridiculous as this was in itself, I don't think I've ever seen half bottles for sale apart from on planes!

Do seek help, and this is a great place to start, but I would not visit my GP unless I needed to detox or had health related concerns.

audiokat

I don't know any other place to start, I made the appointment today and it's for 10 tomorrow morning.

So if you tell your GP something to do with alcohol, you have to tell certain insurance companies? That can't be right surely? It can't be a legal requirement because unless you went to the GP with something you did illegal, they should be under patient confidentiality. At least I would have thought so, that would deter anyone from trying to improve things in their life and seems backward. I hope that's not the case...