I left my AH

Old 02-07-2016, 08:24 AM
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I left my AH

It has been three days since I left my AH. Some of you may remember my story..but it is similar to others on this board.
I had hoped my story would have a happier ending for the marriage, but that didn't happen. I had tried to leave him last summer but I went back to him one more time...hoping it would be different. Hoping he would do what he said...cut back/stop drinking...he would be good for a few days and then get drunk again. He was also verbally/emotionally/physically abusive. I can finally admit all of that.
My leaving was not planned that night but I was prepared. And I want to t hank the people on this board for telling their story of how they left.
I did not plan to leave that night, but rather I was prepared it I ever needed to...and that is what helped me the most. My kids were with me that night...he was drunk by the time I got home from work...started lecturing me again about how he didn't want me to give him any stress or crap for drinking...blah blah...he started to scare me...so I took clothes, bedding, back packs and went to my friends house. I signed a lease for an apartment...I even took my kids with me to show them where they are going to live...and they are excited. I get the keys on Saturday. I just now need to pack and hire movers.
I finally just had to say enough. He called and texted me dozens of times that night, but nothing since. I have been upset about that...I do love him but I think I love the man he used to be when we first met. He is a broken individual and I cannot fix that.
Thank you again for all your support. I am looking forward to a peaceful home for me and my boys.
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:40 AM
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Tx-I understand fully where you are at. Fully. You have made the best decision for your kids-and yourself. I know just how difficult it is. And I know the feeling of loving the person he once was, not who he is now. Have you spoken to a lawyer? (I can't recall from your posts). Please do whatever you need to keep your kids safe going forward-I also know how tormenting that can be-as staying in the abusive relationship at least gives you some sense of control and being able to oversee your children. Btw, it took me years to say the word "abuse" and understand that's what I was dealing with-abusers are masters at making you feel it was your fault, to get you to buy into the hope and false promises. Big hugs-you WILL be okay!
P.s. My ex was the same way-he couldn't have cared less when I finally called the police to get him removed. He told me a few days later that he never thought he would hear from me again-and that was fine with him. Yes, his first relationship was with alcohol, not me or his children. Leave him to his own devices-you will be ok.

Please get some protection for yourself and your kids-as you push forward with the divorce he will most likely become more unglued and mentally unhinged. Please get some protection-his history of abuse shows what he's capable of.
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:43 AM
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Sending you love and hugs!
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:22 AM
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I'm glad you left. If I recall correctly, your kids are not his, right? Once you get the legalities finalized you will NEVER have to deal with him again.

Please do talk to a lawyer as soon as possible to make sure you protect yourself financially. And if he continues to be abusive toward you (harassing phone calls, etc.), please consider applying for a protective order.

Hugs,
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:28 AM
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I am sad things did not work out the way you hoped, but I am also very happy that you had a Plan B and were prepared, because nothing is more true than the words :"Hope is not a plan."

Many hugs to you. May you find your peace because you and your boys deserve it, BraveInTx.
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:38 AM
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^ I think a username change is absolutely called for!!
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
^ I think a username change is absolutely called for!!
Ha...hadn't thought about that....I guess that is true...I am still sad...sad that what once was so happy is ending...I think I miss the idea of him...how it used to be when we were first together...finally realized and was able to accept that it will never be like that again...
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Old 02-07-2016, 10:43 AM
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SadinTX, big hugs and KUDOS to you for taking the steps you've taken! You educated yourself, you were prepared for the worst while still hoping for the best, but when the end came, you were READY and you ACTED.

I am so happy for the new beginning you and your kids will be making! Looking forward to hearing all about it in the days to come.
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Old 02-07-2016, 11:03 AM
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Sit,
I am always sad to see another marriage destroyed due to addiction. It is definatley something that we dont want to do, but have to do for our sanity.

You did all your homework and didn't force a solution. You were ready and prepared and it fell in line the way it was suppose too. Keep you and your kids safe as I am sure you have not heard the last from AH. You are in the drivers seat, now just go in the direction you want to go.

Hugs my friend, I am proud of you!!
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Old 02-07-2016, 11:10 AM
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Hugs and strength to you. You did right by you and by your kids. You will be happy again. You are a brave, strong woman who showed a ton of courage. Good for you. Your kids are lucky to have you. Sending good vibes your way. Keep moving forward.
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Old 02-07-2016, 11:55 AM
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Congrats on having the wisdom to have a Plan B and the courage and strength to act on it when you needed to.

You will have some grieving to do which always sucks but with this move you will ultimately be HappynTX instead of SadnTX!!
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Old 02-07-2016, 03:58 PM
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BIG steps for you!!!
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:52 PM
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It was a long time ago, but I did the same thing. I had to get out - staying wasn't good for our children or me (or him). I do remember all of my friends, family and close co-workers all talked and asked about divorce and when was I filing. I remember feeling I wasn't ready to file - I know there could be financial implications if he was in an accident, but I just wasn't ready. So, I told myself "I don't have to to get divorced today, so I am not going to" and that was my attitude for many months and it helped relieve some pressure as I adjusted to our new lives without him. I eventually did end up filing. My husband got worse when we separated. Way worse. I felt guilty, but I had the support of this place (under a different name at that time) and I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I felt peaceful for the first time in years. The thought of them not having their dad around made me anxious and question my decision, but once I separated I could see they were better off as well. He almost died a couple times during that time. It was very difficult, but I had to stick to my decision as I was done living in crazy town and accepting the unacceptable. I accepted MANY unacceptable things, and not just his behavior, but my own. I have known others that have been in "our" boat too, and their spouses have gotten worse once they left. So, remember he may get worse but that doesn't mean you need to go back to crazy town, it probably means you should avoid it at all costs. Glad you have had made the decision to leave crazy town too. It will be best for you and your children. I got out of crazy town about 12 years ago, although I do find myself visiting occasionally, but try to make it a very short visit. Take care, and enjoy some peace in your life... you and your children deserve it!
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Old 02-08-2016, 04:13 AM
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So glad that you were prepared. I left uplanned one evening and was prepared in advance just in case. But never thought I would have to - funny how something just clicked inside and said - yup you don't want to be here with him right now - get out.

Best wishes to you and your kids! Stay safe
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Old 02-08-2016, 07:33 AM
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I am sorry. I know it hurts. I also know that you have a future of much happiness in front of you.

Lawyer up, and enjoy some peace.

Many, many hugs.
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Old 02-08-2016, 08:25 AM
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(((Sadin TX)))

In awe of your bravery and strength. Happier days are ahead - I promise!!!

HappyinTX
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:35 AM
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Thanks everyone for the kinds and encouraging words. He ended up calling me Sunday night...saying he was going to quit drinking..he was tired of it...I told him I wasn't sure and would have to think about it...I told him you have done this many times...saying you were going to quit and something happens...at work, the kids, me...etc...and you go right back at it....he said I didn't have any faith in him...
so I met with him for lunch yesterday just to get clarity on my part? Or closure? (I think deep down I was hoping for him to be apologizing more..tell me how much he missed me and wanted me back..how he was going to be different this time...but it didn't happen). He said he was going to quit drinking...that was his part...he wanted to know what my part would be to change...how I was going to change...said I was very mean to him...didn't treat him right...that last night I did go into the room and not talk to him...tried to avoid him...he takes that as being passive aggressive...
Well, I was still on the fence yesterday, but I picked up my kids and went back to my friends house. I needed more time to think about it...decided that I couldn't go back...maybe he is right...I don't have faith in him being sober on his own...not going to AA...won't go to a therapist...but it is not just the drinking that bothered me...it was the verbal/emotional (and more) abuse towards me and the kids. And he won't admit that..so I knew he wouldn't change that...yes, he may be sober but he was still going to be mean...my kids even said they didn't want to go back because he was mean (he is their step dad not real dad).
I am really proud of myself for not going back there last night...and this morning he made the decision that it was best if I move on...so it will make this a little easier. I am still pretty upset..but I know this shall pass.
So I have a lot to do within the next few days...pack, turn on utilities, and move...
I am just exhausted but I know I can do this.
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:41 AM
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Your AH sounds a lot like my STBXAH. I was always hearing about how there were things I needed to change about myself, so why should he worry about quitting drinking if I was refusing to change. Always, always turning things around on me. I was also "mean" and "disrespectful," so why would he want to make a person like me happy by quitting? I was also accused of not having any faith in him. My friend, it is nothing but quacking.

I'm glad you stayed away. It doesn't sound like he's even remotely ready for recovery, and I suspect he will just keep right on drinking.

You are right to identify the abuse as a separate issue, too. Alcoholism, and abusiveness, are two completely distinct problems. It would be a mistake (a mistake that puts your personal safety, and your kids' safety, at risk) to assume that if an abuser quits drinking, the abuse will stop.

I am also willing to bet that despite his "declaration" that it's time for you to move on, he will come crawling back several more times, and try to hook you. Do you see a counselor? Perhaps it's time to brainstorm some strategies for keeping your feet on the ground and your head on straight when he DOES come crawling back. Because even if he had told you that he was sorry, and that he misses you, those words mean nothing without actual action on his part.

It is a common refrain here that a good response to a plea for reconciliation is "we can revisit that issue after you have been sober and working a recovery program for a year." I can't think of a single instance in this group where an addict pleaded for a spouse to return while the addict was "promising to quit," and then the addict did in fact quit in a lasting, healthy way. It's just a way to rope you back in to the cycle of abuse and addiction. Because the truth is we SHOULDN'T have any faith in the empty words. If our qualifiers want us to have faith, they need to SHOW us we can have faith through their ACTIONS.

Much love and peace to you.
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Old 02-09-2016, 08:53 AM
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What Wisconsin said--a hundred percent. You told him you'd have to "think about it." What that tells him is that what he said was working, he just needs to be more CONVINCING next time. And believe me, he'll find a way to be more convincing. You have to be prepared, because that's what it will be--a sales job.

I wouldn't even agree to discuss it again. It only exposes you to more pressure and manipulation. You know right now he will do it, but it's easy to weaken in the face of good manipulation. Don't give him the chance.
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Old 02-09-2016, 09:03 AM
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Agree word for word with Lexie and Wisconsin. Would you believe me that my ex stated those same EXACT words-literally? And guess what-for years and years I took him back after some nasty incident. Years. But in December of 2014, I finally just said NO-no. And what do you know, all hell broke loose - this supposedly coming from a person that had changed. I would highly recommend you read Lundy Bancroft's list of ways to know an abuser has changed....nails it. And your ex is doing everything on the list to show he has NO intention if changing. More manipulation and lies.
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