coping with the anger
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
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coping with the anger
I've not posted in a while. Things with my ABF haven't went right, and I know it's my fault for not sticking up for myself. And therefore I feel weak and I didn't really want to call attention to my weakness by posting! Still though, I need input because being isolated and depressed on my own isn't getting me anywhere. This time my question isn't about him or how to handle him. I've never been a confrontational, angry, full of rage, ready to fight kind of person. Since I have been in this relationship (met him at 25) I have became all of these things. I don't really like the person I have turned into. I guess this is how I've learned to cope with my life/relationship? I don't know. Has anyone else experienced that change after dealing with an addict and if so were you able to get back to your old self?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I experienced this with a BF who wasn't an addict. Everything he did annoyed me. I became snappy, nasty and hard to live with. This is when I knew I had to leave because I didn't like myself, much less him.
Leaving was a huge relief. He wanted to get back together but I didn't want to be that person again.
Leaving was a huge relief. He wanted to get back together but I didn't want to be that person again.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
I experienced this with a BF who wasn't an addict. Everything he did annoyed me. I became snappy, nasty and hard to live with. This is when I knew I had to leave because I didn't like myself, much less him.
Leaving was a huge relief. He wanted to get back together but I didn't want to be that person again.
Leaving was a huge relief. He wanted to get back together but I didn't want to be that person again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
We become 'ill' while being with an addict. Obviously their thinking isn't normal and then the drug makes it worse. Being exposed to that 24/7 can only alter how we used to think. Recognizing it is half the battle. Deciding that we deserve more - is the other half.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
With my son, the insanity of addiction crept into my life too and I completely lost sight of myself and was drawn into the dark life he was leading, thinking I could save him. Of course, I could not.
There came a time when I could not live one more day like that, and that is when I began the journey of my own recovery, reclaiming my life and my sanity...and I have never looked back.
I hope you can find your balance and the clarity to see what your life has become, and then the courage to move forward in a healthy way to better days ahead.
Hugs
There came a time when I could not live one more day like that, and that is when I began the journey of my own recovery, reclaiming my life and my sanity...and I have never looked back.
I hope you can find your balance and the clarity to see what your life has become, and then the courage to move forward in a healthy way to better days ahead.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Dusty, if he's still using and lying to you, maybe your anger is a healthy sign
of self-protection, and perhaps the smarter way to deal with it is to remove the cause.
He's been showing you by his actions for years that addiction is more important
than you are--believe what he does, not what he says.
You've already spent years trying to help him but clearly he doesn't want to quit
and is willing to take you down with him.
Maybe you should be angry about that and let your anger propel you to positive action.
of self-protection, and perhaps the smarter way to deal with it is to remove the cause.
He's been showing you by his actions for years that addiction is more important
than you are--believe what he does, not what he says.
You've already spent years trying to help him but clearly he doesn't want to quit
and is willing to take you down with him.
Maybe you should be angry about that and let your anger propel you to positive action.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was able to recover when I stopped blaming others for my own unacceptable behavior, using their actions as my justification for reacting in unhealthy ways. It's not easy to give that up. Having a scapegoat is really easy and convenient. Nothing was ever my fault, I had an ironclad excuse for everything- Look at what I "have to" put up with from the alcoholic/addict/mentally ill person.
But the truth is living with alcoholism didn't turn me into anything or force me to behave in a way that I didn't like. I did it to myself because I was looking outside myself for solutions and living in a haze of denial and unrealistic expectations.
Do you attend Alanon?
But the truth is living with alcoholism didn't turn me into anything or force me to behave in a way that I didn't like. I did it to myself because I was looking outside myself for solutions and living in a haze of denial and unrealistic expectations.
Do you attend Alanon?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm a big advocate that stuffing anger is unhealthy. It needs to be dealt with and needs an outlet. But, eventually we need to let it go or it can rob us of peace. It's amazing how long I can hang on to anger. So, it's work in progress for me. I don't know if I hang on to it so long because I wasn't able to work through it or what. But, it doesn't feel good to be so angry; that much I know...I've had to literally pray about it. And, it doesn't feel good to stuff it. In the experience in my post above I never really told that boyfriend off and probably should have. I was young and too shocked.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Hi Dusty,
I was in a relationship for 9 years with someone who was toxic for me. I was just nothing like myself when we were together. He was an alcoholic and abused narcotics, he suffered from bipolar disorder. All this came up after we were dating, but I was too young to understand what any of it meant or how to deal with it. Don't let anyone into your life who will push you to change your personality in order to cope with him/her, don't lose yourself in someone else. It was a destructive and terrible time for me, I am not proud of many of my actions, I wish I had made different decisions, and my life today is very different from where I thought it might be. I'm happier today than I was. But long after he's been gone, my life is still impacted by that experience of losing myself and my direction.
I'm getting things back on track today, I'm reclaiming my life. But it's not "back to my old self." The course of my life changed because of the things that happened in it. That is normal, it's what happens in life, but don't think that you're going to "go back to your old self." You will be changed, and things will be different, and it will still be you, it will still be your life, but things will be different. Today I try to put people in my life who will be good influences, push me to be better, smarter, faster, stronger, kinder, calmer, happier, not people who make me hide in order to be around them, in order to protect myself and my friends.
I hope that is helpful. I hope you find the help here you need. And I hope you get your life back ASAP!
~JD
I was in a relationship for 9 years with someone who was toxic for me. I was just nothing like myself when we were together. He was an alcoholic and abused narcotics, he suffered from bipolar disorder. All this came up after we were dating, but I was too young to understand what any of it meant or how to deal with it. Don't let anyone into your life who will push you to change your personality in order to cope with him/her, don't lose yourself in someone else. It was a destructive and terrible time for me, I am not proud of many of my actions, I wish I had made different decisions, and my life today is very different from where I thought it might be. I'm happier today than I was. But long after he's been gone, my life is still impacted by that experience of losing myself and my direction.
I'm getting things back on track today, I'm reclaiming my life. But it's not "back to my old self." The course of my life changed because of the things that happened in it. That is normal, it's what happens in life, but don't think that you're going to "go back to your old self." You will be changed, and things will be different, and it will still be you, it will still be your life, but things will be different. Today I try to put people in my life who will be good influences, push me to be better, smarter, faster, stronger, kinder, calmer, happier, not people who make me hide in order to be around them, in order to protect myself and my friends.
I hope that is helpful. I hope you find the help here you need. And I hope you get your life back ASAP!
~JD
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
Just the post I needed to see tonight! This is a topic I have thought about daily for the past week.
I have rage inside me that wasn't present before. It's almost all consuming sometimes. I'm trying to just let myself feel it as it comes and let it pass. .
It's a lot less isolating to know others are going through similar things. Have you been to alanon? It has continually helped with my feelings of isolation. *hugs*
I have rage inside me that wasn't present before. It's almost all consuming sometimes. I'm trying to just let myself feel it as it comes and let it pass. .
It's a lot less isolating to know others are going through similar things. Have you been to alanon? It has continually helped with my feelings of isolation. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
It's like the addict realizes no consequence. You'll just be vindictive in exposing him for a relationship problem that just happens to involve abuse and illegal drugs. Because he's a good worker. Nice to his mom.
Yeah, I'm angry too.
Yeah, I'm angry too.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Ann
I hope you can find your balance and the clarity to see what your life has become, and then the courage to move forward in a healthy way to better days ahead.
Hugs
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by JD4320
Hi Dusty,
I was in a relationship for 9 years with someone who was toxic for me. I was just nothing like myself when we were together. He was an alcoholic and abused narcotics, he suffered from bipolar disorder. All this came up after we were dating, but I was too young to understand what any of it meant or how to deal with it. Don't let anyone into your life who will push you to change your personality in order to cope with him/her, don't lose yourself in someone else. It was a destructive and terrible time for me, I am not proud of many of my actions, I wish I had made different decisions, and my life today is very different from where I thought it might be. I'm happier today than I was. But long after he's been gone, my life is still impacted by that experience of losing myself and my direction.
I'm getting things back on track today, I'm reclaiming my life. But it's not "back to my old self." The course of my life changed because of the things that happened in it. That is normal, it's what happens in life, but don't think that you're going to "go back to your old self." You will be changed, and things will be different, and it will still be you, it will still be your life, but things will be different. Today I try to put people in my life who will be good influences, push me to be better, smarter, faster, stronger, kinder, calmer, happier, not people who make me hide in order to be around them, in order to protect myself and my friends.
I hope that is helpful. I hope you find the help here you need. And I hope you get your life back ASAP!
~JD
I was in a relationship for 9 years with someone who was toxic for me. I was just nothing like myself when we were together. He was an alcoholic and abused narcotics, he suffered from bipolar disorder. All this came up after we were dating, but I was too young to understand what any of it meant or how to deal with it. Don't let anyone into your life who will push you to change your personality in order to cope with him/her, don't lose yourself in someone else. It was a destructive and terrible time for me, I am not proud of many of my actions, I wish I had made different decisions, and my life today is very different from where I thought it might be. I'm happier today than I was. But long after he's been gone, my life is still impacted by that experience of losing myself and my direction.
I'm getting things back on track today, I'm reclaiming my life. But it's not "back to my old self." The course of my life changed because of the things that happened in it. That is normal, it's what happens in life, but don't think that you're going to "go back to your old self." You will be changed, and things will be different, and it will still be you, it will still be your life, but things will be different. Today I try to put people in my life who will be good influences, push me to be better, smarter, faster, stronger, kinder, calmer, happier, not people who make me hide in order to be around them, in order to protect myself and my friends.
I hope that is helpful. I hope you find the help here you need. And I hope you get your life back ASAP!
~JD
Everyone here has been so wonderful. So encouraging. I have no idea what my future holds, and I just hope I'm strong enough to take charge of my life again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Hi,
I'm experiencing this now with my ex-bf. He is a meth addict. He is very invested in making sure that management (we work together) and his Mommy are sure that he is on a Path to Society. He is 52 and his friends are similarly situated 30-year losers. Mostly living with Moms who have property.
My addict is a dude. Born over 50 years ago in a still-white neighborhood in the Bay Area, given/promised trust fund/inheritance since his teens. It only made him believe he actually deserved it for being White and being in a certain block. There are many like him. They don't come off as d/bags; it's part of how they maintain respectability while having their dealers on speed dial. And yes, it's easier if you are White. I like Whites. I find this nauseating.
Anyway. If you are fortunate enough to live here on your own, these White Sons will leech onto you until you stop it. Their aging Mommies will let them, even as those Mommies wear you down for their Son, the Meth Addict (that they won't admit to ever).
My advice is to stop it. Worry about you. Don't count your losses or worry about how your addict will survive. It's been half a century or close to it. He'll live. He'll go back to Mommy and/or her money, and that's the brutal truth.
It sucks. But these types of Mommy's Boys tend not to reproduce IME. Hopefully for your community and most of you, you, this is not forever.
I'm experiencing this now with my ex-bf. He is a meth addict. He is very invested in making sure that management (we work together) and his Mommy are sure that he is on a Path to Society. He is 52 and his friends are similarly situated 30-year losers. Mostly living with Moms who have property.
My addict is a dude. Born over 50 years ago in a still-white neighborhood in the Bay Area, given/promised trust fund/inheritance since his teens. It only made him believe he actually deserved it for being White and being in a certain block. There are many like him. They don't come off as d/bags; it's part of how they maintain respectability while having their dealers on speed dial. And yes, it's easier if you are White. I like Whites. I find this nauseating.
Anyway. If you are fortunate enough to live here on your own, these White Sons will leech onto you until you stop it. Their aging Mommies will let them, even as those Mommies wear you down for their Son, the Meth Addict (that they won't admit to ever).
My advice is to stop it. Worry about you. Don't count your losses or worry about how your addict will survive. It's been half a century or close to it. He'll live. He'll go back to Mommy and/or her money, and that's the brutal truth.
It sucks. But these types of Mommy's Boys tend not to reproduce IME. Hopefully for your community and most of you, you, this is not forever.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don't really like the person I have turned into. I guess this is how I've learned to cope with my life/relationship? I don't know. Has anyone else experienced that change after dealing with an addict and if so were you able to get back to your old self?
I like my NEW self allot!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I was able to recover when I stopped blaming others for my own unacceptable behavior, using their actions as my justification for reacting in unhealthy ways. It's not easy to give that up. Having a scapegoat is really easy and convenient. Nothing was ever my fault, I had an ironclad excuse for everything- Look at what I "have to" put up with from the alcoholic/addict/mentally ill person.
But the truth is living with alcoholism didn't turn me into anything or force me to behave in a way that I didn't like. I did it to myself because I was looking outside myself for solutions and living in a haze of denial and unrealistic expectations.
Do you attend Alanon?
But the truth is living with alcoholism didn't turn me into anything or force me to behave in a way that I didn't like. I did it to myself because I was looking outside myself for solutions and living in a haze of denial and unrealistic expectations.
Do you attend Alanon?
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