A rough year - is divorce inevitable?

Old 02-05-2016, 02:57 PM
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A rough year - is divorce inevitable?

Hello all. Long time reader of the site. Some really inspirational stories and advice. I've married to a marijuana addict for now 15 years with 8 years of full time addiction. Last year I came close to divorcing but realized an international move had to happen first because I was not a citizen of my previous home country. Now back in the USA. AW is happy in our new life with no job and constant smoking and going out till 430 am or 2 am three to four times a week. Some binge drinking but she did not drive though I had to help her find her lost car. There have been so many ups and downs. I am abused often by harsh language, "I am a failure, you washed the clothes wrong etc" we have kids who are seeing me as a doormat. I've been very sick but getting well now. My AW did not believe I was sick though I was hospitalized twice. Anyway i don't want to go on and on but I've reading a lot about codependent behavior and I see some patterns in myself and I am now a very helpless shell of a person and trying to recover my goals in life and get a positive mental outlook. I am feeling now that better option for me to cultivate this shift is without her. I am looking for strength in this transition and I d hope to hear from people who have had to deal a marijuana addicted spouse and what happened if divorce was inevitable. I think now it is. I have met with a lawyer and working on my custody case. Thank you all you all are great!
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:13 PM
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Hey, winter...

I'm guessing unintentionally hit "post"...see if you can edit your first post. If not, you can continue it in a separate post.

Welcome to the Board.
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:32 PM
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Winter...

Welcome to the Board. Since there are kids involved in your situation, I'm going to forego my usual greeting and cut to the chase.

Is divorce inevitable? Not necessarily. Should you be pursuing it? In my opinion, absolutely.

When you two got married, I'm quite certain this wasn't what you signed up for. And yet, 15 years gone and 8 in full time addiction, you find yourself in an unenviable position where not only has she been an absent spouse by staying out all hours of the night, she's verbally abusive to boot. You're under no obligation to put up with any of that crap.

If you hang around here for a while, Winter, you'll read some tales that are familiar to you. Those members may be on different points of the curve than you, but there's something to be learned from their experiences. So keep your mind and eyes open.

Normally, I'm not as direct with newcomers as I am being with you...but when you factor children into the mix, it's a more urgent situation. Do what is necessary to protect them and yourself.

Other members will be by. Pay attention to what they tell you. And again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 02-05-2016, 04:32 PM
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Thank you for the reply. I appreciate the feedback. I worry about not seeing the kids full time to most. That is my greatest fear. Though over the last few years I have given them all of my time even at the cost to my job which I lost as well as my health which I lost due to stress over the constant addiction and late night running around by AW. I really don't think she will change that is my brain says but heart is having such a hard time accepting this fact. I had to run away to my parents house this week just to a clearer head on what I want to do with this and the rest of my life. Fortunately my kids are with Aw as well as a visiting non user couple and their kids in my house. I can't stress how close to death I came from dealing the stress from the addiction. It is really really really hard to detach and find a clear path.
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Old 02-05-2016, 04:50 PM
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Winter...

You're right: she's not going to change. And it's normal to be heartbroken about that. When a marriage ends, it's always difficult, but when it ends due to addiction, it's especially difficult. And I think the only thing you can realistically do is take it a moment at a time.

When you went to your parents' house this week to figure out your future, I'm guessing that was a pretty overwhelming thing for you. The truth is we seldom know what's going to happen in the future. But it's a safe bet that if you stay with her, things will get worse, your health will continue to suffer, and the well-being of your children will be at risk. So don't look at your future as a whole right now. Just concentrate on what you need to do today to make sure you're safe and your children are safe. That's the only thing that matters: your health, and the health of your kids.

We're in your corner, OK?
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Old 02-05-2016, 06:06 PM
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Thanks for the reply. Your reply hit right on the money. My parents said pretty much the same thing. They don't want to be codependent any longer on AW s actions either and support me getting out. Zoso you wrote this in another post that connected with me


"What we try to do here for members -- new ones and established ones -- is help them make the best decisions they can for themselves. And part of that process is coming to terms with what's best for us isn't necessarily what we want. It is painful to remove someone from our lives who we love. But compare that to the pain of allowing them to be in our lives while they betray us time and time again."

That is a great help to me now. In the next days I am going to work up a talk about how to break my decision to my wife. Focusing on how to talk about my void of happiness and helplessness and loss of direction and a career over this addiction and manic behavior. It s weird to feel that it will be easier to talk to her about my problems when I have a way out - the divorce papers. I want to have sane conversation for the sake of my kids so that we can parent together I make our kids know we both love them no matter what. My kids know something is wrong as they have asked me a couple of times in the last month if we are divorcing.

Any thoughts on how to break divorce news to an addict would be nice hear. I hope I can do this with compassion. It's a hard decision when the image of my wife does not link with th reality of where she is.
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Old 02-05-2016, 06:12 PM
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My sister was/is a marijuana addict (She was a heavy user before, but now she tells people that she isn't. However, she is also a compulsive liar.) She showed similar patterns to your wife - out at odd times(she often drops the kids off at my parents without notice) and a nasty, NASTY rage when things don't go her way. Her children are on eggshells when she's around. And despite our history and the recognition of the trauma she faced as a child, I no longer speak to her. She is too far, far gone.


Zoso, as usual, nails it. Your kids are your priority, and you aren't doing them any favors if you stay in a marriage that is filled with anger and deception. My sister's children can now go to their father's place, and it's a refuge from all her craziness. Don't teach them that they have to settle for marriage scraps.

You can hold hope that you can have a new marriage with someone, maybe even your wife, a marriage full of love and respect, but you can't have that new marriage if you keep sending your wife the message that your current one is acceptable.

PS: Sometimes I feel foolish when I write that my sister is addicted to pot, even on this board, given the very heavy duty substances that are out there. With the public leaning towards legalization, it just adds another layer of second-guessing. However, I listened to a podcast not too long ago about a woman who was frustrated with her husband's pot smoking. If you don't have the time to listen, at least read the comments. When I heard the podcast, I felt some validation for the feelings that I had.

Dear Sugar, Episode 30: Is My Husband?s Pot Habit A Problem? | WBUR
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Old 02-05-2016, 07:44 PM
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Welcome Winter! Also I'm so very sorry for what you are experiencing with your wife.

I haven't been through the divorce process with an addicted spouse but many here have. I hope you find this an are of support and information. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids. I like the comment, "What is best is often different from what we want."
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Old 02-06-2016, 11:12 AM
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Thanks puzzled heart for the wonderful pod cast suggestion. It really hit home in so many ways.

I feel like the end of that podcast with two feet on either side of oblivion. One foot I stay in the nightmare and the other I leave and make a new scary nightmare. I feel I would be empty without having to manage my wife's addiction. If have to deal with my own problems. I used to think I didn't have any now I know I have a major one at least - codependency. Today feeling scared and nervous about my up coming talk with my addicted wife.
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Old 02-06-2016, 12:12 PM
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Today feeling scared and nervous about my up coming talk with my addicted wife.
If you weren't scared and nervous, it would mean that you didn't care. But you do.

I'm so glad that you found the podcast helpful.

My one bit of practical advice as a witness to my sister's divorce - don't get a mediator in the attempt to save some money on legal fees. I know that you've already consulted a lawyer and I would strongly advise that you stay that course. My brother-in-law (I still consider him so) went the mediator route and I personally think it bit him in the ...

If you can, make sure you define consequences when you write up the divorce agreement. My sister ended up mooching off my brother-in-law for years because she didn't put the house up for sale by the agreed date. I told him he should have been charging her half the mortgage for each month she continued to stay there. But he let his guilt take over logic. A good lawyer will help you avoid that trap.

I wish you grace and strength in the days ahead.
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Old 02-06-2016, 02:51 PM
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Thank you for the reply. Funny thing was I really want mediate because I was hopeful i could work out a better arrangement for my kids. We rent a house so I don't worry much about property as I am happy with a 50 50 split. But as far as the kids go I want to be in their lives as much as can

The reason I thought mediation would work is that having my children around my wife without me would really cramp her partying to the wee hours as I am always with them when she is out. She does not want because she loves "her people". She wants to I think to travel and find herself and whatnot. I encourage that so I have the kids obviously.

I will probably have to leave the state where we will divorce because I can't get a job in my field where I are now. I am jobless now since I got very sick but I interviews soon in other states. Because of that my lawyer advised the best I could hope for was summer daddy status even with marijuana addiction on the table. I was thinking mediation will allow my wife to see the light that she lose all her fun with kids there full time but I am reasoning with crazy though there are times when she sees logic....

What are some examples of consequences to throw into a custody agreement? Thank you so much for your well wishes. It helps to know I am not alone
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Old 02-06-2016, 03:12 PM
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Winter, discuss custody with your lawyer. But with your wife in active addiction she should be the one worried about having any custody. If I heard you right, you're thinking if she were taking care of the kids she wouldn't be out partying as much? An addicts first love is their drug of choice and I wouldn't trust her alone with the kids.
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Old 02-06-2016, 05:23 PM
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Winter, you cannot reason with crazy. SR is filled with heartbroken family members, spouses, and SOs who have tried to no avail.

I'm not a lawyer, and I myself have never been through a divorce, so I don't want to venture too far into details of what should be included in a divorce agreement. However, just search through this site using the search terms "divorce" and "custody" and you will find people who have gone through the same thing you are currently going through.

I understand why you think your kids could serve as the motivation for your wife to straighten her life out - my sister has actually reserved her best self for her children - but even they're not enough.

jd1639 is right - you have to discuss custody with your lawyer, especially because your wife is in active addiction. You do not want your wife to bring her friends over to the house with the kids in there, and she will do that if she can't get to the party. My sister ended up in a relationship with a fellow pothead and we all collectively cringe whenever he's in the house. If I were in your shoes, I would start documenting everything, when she comes in, when she comes out, when she loses the car... and present that to your lawyer to show him/her how dire the situation is.

And you may want to shop around for a lawyer - different lawyers have different styles (It seems I know enough of them that I never make it past jury selection). Some would love nothing more than to go to trial while others shy away from it. And if you find a lawyer who has experience dealing with spouses battling drug addiction/fathers fighting for custody - even better.

And even if you do go through the mediation route, you can still have a lawyer advise you.

One last thing, protect yourself. My sister said some pretty crazy stuff about her ex-husband when their marriage went down, and I was stupid enough to believe her at first. However, she really went off the deep end and went into the land of ridiculous. Her ex is fortunate that she didn't cook up some false DV charge. She's backstabbed me, her own best friend, and many others in her efforts to look like the sane one. Just be prepared.
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Old 02-07-2016, 06:29 AM
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Puzzled heart. Thank you for the help. I am about four days out from having to finally talk and act on these issues with my wife. I am hoping to just direct in using "I" sentences around our marriage. I don't even know if I'll bring up the addiction as it is a symptom of much more global problems. Basically my wife hates herself and can't deal with failure or life's stresses so she lives in a bubble of pot smoke. She can't even exercise without smoking pot before! That one always got me.

Anyway I am wanting to state I done with the marriage as is. I think she is too as she said she was unhappy with me because I am boring and shut down. You bet I am shut down because her partying and my fear about what is happening around me have hijacked my wife. I only seeing leaving as a way out as she was sober for a year then on day just started smoking again. Also she did a 12k$ retreat for pot addiction and threw that away. When I was in the hospital and she though I was dying she even swore that she would quit. But didn't. I never brought that up again as I feel manipulated. I really think the core problem I have is being with someone who hates themselves so much despite all of the selfishness. There is no true self care or self love and now in trying to inspire that in her over and over. .... I've lost my way too. I was it back so badly and now see her as a major problem in this quest. Weirdly I became very lost when she was sober because I felt I could not leave her alone and still had to always prop her up participating in her negative gossip about other people. That is a super toxic element of our relationship.

I am so tired of this mess and so afraid to talk to her about how my marriage has failed me.
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Old 02-07-2016, 07:44 AM
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please think long and hard about leaving your children with her and going so far as to move to another state. if YOU can't handle living with her, how do you think it is for THEM?
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:37 AM
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I agree with Anvil--joint custody at the very least should be your aim.
She will bring the party home if she can't get to it as was said earlier.

Please discuss this with your lawyer as an option.
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Old 02-07-2016, 01:24 PM
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Thank you all for weighing on the kid situation. It's really hard but I will put my kids first. I say hard because I can't get a job in my field of science where we live. It have job interviews in other states but if this means I have to lose my kids I will just have to do some thing else. I won't be able to be an academic prof anymore because I will lose momentum in my career. My career path is unforgiving for the detours in life. I see the lawyer next week to talk about my case in more depth. The thoughts of kids enduring crazy without me there are too much to bare.

I am reading lot around the forum and finding a lot shared experiences. These help so much
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Old 02-07-2016, 01:47 PM
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Maybe I'm being a little thick here, but weren't you interviewing for these positions regardless of your divorce decision? If you weren't divorced, wouldn't your kids and wife follow you anyway?

A good friend of mine ended her marriage while they were in the process of adopting her ex-husband's niece. His sibling also faced a serious drug problem, but they waited for the adoption to come through before they finalized the divorce agreement (they were separated in the interim). They just had to get that niece out of that home.

Look, maybe I've accidentally smoked some of my sister's stuff and maybe I've spent too much time in unicorn land, but I think, with some careful strategy, you could have your kids join you. You definitely need a good lawyer to help you think this through, even if that lawyer says that the advice I'm giving you is plain fricking stupid.
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Old 02-07-2016, 02:00 PM
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Thanks for the reply. The interviews are coincident with me getting my marriage in focus. My wife has stated she doesn't want to leave where we are no matter what. That could change if I live a lie and bait her to move with me and the kids if I get one of these jobs. I doubt that would work.


I'd probably have to put with her for several months before I can leave assuming I got a job and if I could even take it. The problem is that my sickness has left me drained and wanting to leave now because my stress my wife is hurting my recovery. To be honest I may not even be able to do the jobs that I will be interviewing for because the disease was severe. I am working with that everyday. I used to be fit but since my lung disease I am slow getting better. Doing yoga and meditation and doing the hard thinking on the rest of my life with my wife. She is feeling really guilty because she knows I have pulls away from her. I am doing ok with detaching so far. I won't see her for another week so I will visit the lawyer later this week to draw up a plan. I wish I would have moved to a state that I would have been happy at. I picked one that she would have been happy at. Talk about codependent. I even thought about talking a five year job in China because she could not use there but that was codependent nonsense.
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Old 02-07-2016, 02:34 PM
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Hi Winter, kudos to you on starting this process. It does seem like you should get the kids. I know very little about how this works as I've never had kids or been married.

It seems like many women with addict ex-spouses wind up with sole or main custody. It seems it should be similar for men. Any of you legal types out there know about this? I suppose it would depend on the state.

I hate to see anyone going through what you are experience however I do appreciate the male perspective on this. It seems more women come here. Addiction is not racists, sexist, classist; it goes after anyone and everyone.
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