The importance of financial independence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
The importance of financial independence
"Inspired" by the recent ER adventure of my ex, I simply must say this. If you are having a relationship with an A, no matter whether you decide to leave or stay, make sure you are financially secure, make your own safety net, stash some money in a sock if required, make safety plans A, B, C, all the way through Z. Because with this disease, you never know.
Yes, I am divorced, and yes the debt is not mine, but the cost of only one-night hospital stay is mindblowing. And yes, it is his fault for not reading the fine script and being irresponsible, but if you are married to that, when the bill comes, the liability is shared.
It feels like I dodged the bullet, but there is a very bitter taste in my mouth, and a very unpleasant feeling going down my spine, because everything that I have ever read about alcoholism and the disaster it brings is coming true, word for word. The good thing is I am not sitting in the front row anymore, yet I cannot be happy about it. I am in awe.
Please detach, please learn as much as you can.
Yes, I am divorced, and yes the debt is not mine, but the cost of only one-night hospital stay is mindblowing. And yes, it is his fault for not reading the fine script and being irresponsible, but if you are married to that, when the bill comes, the liability is shared.
It feels like I dodged the bullet, but there is a very bitter taste in my mouth, and a very unpleasant feeling going down my spine, because everything that I have ever read about alcoholism and the disaster it brings is coming true, word for word. The good thing is I am not sitting in the front row anymore, yet I cannot be happy about it. I am in awe.
Please detach, please learn as much as you can.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Yes!Yes!Yes!!!!!!
Not thinking more about the money is my one and only regret.
I didn't leave my XAH sooner because I didn't want to. The truth is, it wouldn't have made any difference what anybody said. I was going to stick it out until the bitter end, and kick the carcass a few times, because that's the kind of person I am. But I was stupid about the money.
Here's my list of what I would have done different:
1) Cut the cards
2) Adhere closer to a budget
3) Get some career training
Non of those three things would have changed my daily life that much, but they would have prepared me better for the future. THAT would have been a win even if the marriage survived, and he embraced recovery.
One last thing (tip?)... My XAH had a tendency to hit the ATM before bingeing. I suspect this is a common practice amongst alcoholics. He also didn't have the best memory when it came to where/what/who/how he spent the money. (Also, probably common.)
When he was passed out on the sofa I used to sneak into his wallet and "withdraw" a little bit of cash. Sometimes a lot. I don't feel guilty about that.
I do feel a bit guilty about the fact that I enjoyed watching the confusion on his face the next day as he looked through his wallet.
Not thinking more about the money is my one and only regret.
I didn't leave my XAH sooner because I didn't want to. The truth is, it wouldn't have made any difference what anybody said. I was going to stick it out until the bitter end, and kick the carcass a few times, because that's the kind of person I am. But I was stupid about the money.
Here's my list of what I would have done different:
1) Cut the cards
2) Adhere closer to a budget
3) Get some career training
Non of those three things would have changed my daily life that much, but they would have prepared me better for the future. THAT would have been a win even if the marriage survived, and he embraced recovery.
One last thing (tip?)... My XAH had a tendency to hit the ATM before bingeing. I suspect this is a common practice amongst alcoholics. He also didn't have the best memory when it came to where/what/who/how he spent the money. (Also, probably common.)
When he was passed out on the sofa I used to sneak into his wallet and "withdraw" a little bit of cash. Sometimes a lot. I don't feel guilty about that.
I do feel a bit guilty about the fact that I enjoyed watching the confusion on his face the next day as he looked through his wallet.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
healthyagain, you've raised a subject that's very close to my heart. I suppose I was lucky because my parents always emphasised the importance of saving for the future and retirement.
I have friends who lost money by letting their heart rule their heads with boyfriends and children, then were shocked when they were ripped off. You can be too generous or too eager to step in when loved ones make silly mistakes or want money for something.
I've always told my daughter that Prince Charming is not coming to rescue her.
I have friends who lost money by letting their heart rule their heads with boyfriends and children, then were shocked when they were ripped off. You can be too generous or too eager to step in when loved ones make silly mistakes or want money for something.
I've always told my daughter that Prince Charming is not coming to rescue her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Speaking of ATMs 
My ex could hardly operate a cell phone, the dumb one, but boy oh boy, ATMs? Beep, beep x 10 at the speed of light, and voila, cash in his hands. I wonder if he ever realized that it was not free money given away by ATM gnomes.
What saved me was that I was following advice on here, opened my own bank account, and started saving. A year later, I filed for divorce and was out. When he had the major meltdown that weekend, I was able to move out. Without money and careful planning, there is no way I could do anything.
So empower yourself. You are not harming anyone, just making sure you are not going down.
My ex could hardly operate a cell phone, the dumb one, but boy oh boy, ATMs? Beep, beep x 10 at the speed of light, and voila, cash in his hands. I wonder if he ever realized that it was not free money given away by ATM gnomes.
What saved me was that I was following advice on here, opened my own bank account, and started saving. A year later, I filed for divorce and was out. When he had the major meltdown that weekend, I was able to move out. Without money and careful planning, there is no way I could do anything.
So empower yourself. You are not harming anyone, just making sure you are not going down.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by healthyagain 
.....whether you decide to leave or stay, make sure you are financially secure, make your own safety net, stash some money in a sock if required, make safety plans A, B, C, all the way through Z. Because with this disease, you never know.
Even though we're still together, I'll always have my safety net. I started with $5 after reading the suggestion here at SR. When my RAH relapsed 2 yrs later& ended up in jail with a DUI & no job, I still slept well at night so content that in saving I'd actually been investing in my sanity.
I knew I'd need to evaluate my long-term plan but I'd literally bought myself time to not be distracted with the worry & stress about money while everything else was in such crisis. I could really focus on DD & my own needs which was really priceless because those are the moments that she needed me to be present with her ~Right Now~ more than any other time.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I am glad that I was a controlling, cheap-a$$, penny-pinching !@$#, b/c altho XAH was spending our savings, at least I didn't end up with any debt. Had I gone along w/all the grandiose plans he had over the years, I'm sure I'd still be struggling to make things work w/him b/c I wouldn't be able to pay the loans plus manage to live.
In early November, he was apparently hit by a car as he stood by the mailbox down at the road. This turned into an ER trip, 2-1/2 days in the hospital, a surgery to repair his elbow and ongoing therapy plus, of course, missed work. I have no idea how much all this cost, since I have not seen a bill and it's not my business, but I heaved a big "bullet-dodge" sigh, for sure! I was SO GLAD to not be married to him and have to deal w/those bills and loss of income, insurance or no insurance.
In early November, he was apparently hit by a car as he stood by the mailbox down at the road. This turned into an ER trip, 2-1/2 days in the hospital, a surgery to repair his elbow and ongoing therapy plus, of course, missed work. I have no idea how much all this cost, since I have not seen a bill and it's not my business, but I heaved a big "bullet-dodge" sigh, for sure! I was SO GLAD to not be married to him and have to deal w/those bills and loss of income, insurance or no insurance.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by healthyagain
What saved me was that I was following advice on here
A lot of our "love" advice falls on deaf ears around here. I can't think of any example where our wise, communal, words of "Lose the Jack@ss" have actually been taken. But, it's nice to hear that, at least, the financial advice gets through. I don't think you're the only one who has actually taken the tips they've read here, and put them to good use. Seems to me I read that fairly regularly.
You know, as I sit here in my state of self induced financial chaos, that makes me really, really happy! Like, even though I can't add 2+2, I'm part of some Financial Advice Superhero Club. They should give us a TV show.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Ha, I just posted today's "The Language of Letting Go" here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5780409 and it is exactly on this topic!
I recently recalled the first time I noticed that the budget book and checkbook did not agree, maybe a year after we were married. XAH had suggested we quit smoking about a year before this, since some friends of ours were doing so also. I actually quit, he pretended to quit (and this was absolutely characteristic throughout the marriage, as I was later to find out).
Anyway, I noticed that there were $70 that had come in that were not accounted for and mentioned it (NOT in an accusing fashion, just mentioned we must have forgotten to record something). I was snidely told "oh, that must have been what I spent on the dancing girls!" Looking back, a healthy person would have said "hey, that is a joint account, half of the money is coming from me, and I deserve a straight answer about where it's going!" Not being healthy, that is not what I said...
My response was to back further and further out of the finances, eventually having nothing to do w/record keeping and feeling that as long as we were saving something each month, well, things must be OK. Can you say "hiding my head in the sand"? I am, as I said, grateful that I have such a strong aversion to debt that I never let him get us involved in any of his sweeping and expensive renovation ideas that I am sure would never have been completed--I've posted elsewhere about how one of the first things we did when we got together was redo the bathroom, but the trim is STILL not stained, 21 years later!
I recently recalled the first time I noticed that the budget book and checkbook did not agree, maybe a year after we were married. XAH had suggested we quit smoking about a year before this, since some friends of ours were doing so also. I actually quit, he pretended to quit (and this was absolutely characteristic throughout the marriage, as I was later to find out).
Anyway, I noticed that there were $70 that had come in that were not accounted for and mentioned it (NOT in an accusing fashion, just mentioned we must have forgotten to record something). I was snidely told "oh, that must have been what I spent on the dancing girls!" Looking back, a healthy person would have said "hey, that is a joint account, half of the money is coming from me, and I deserve a straight answer about where it's going!" Not being healthy, that is not what I said...
My response was to back further and further out of the finances, eventually having nothing to do w/record keeping and feeling that as long as we were saving something each month, well, things must be OK. Can you say "hiding my head in the sand"? I am, as I said, grateful that I have such a strong aversion to debt that I never let him get us involved in any of his sweeping and expensive renovation ideas that I am sure would never have been completed--I've posted elsewhere about how one of the first things we did when we got together was redo the bathroom, but the trim is STILL not stained, 21 years later!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
I agree whole heartily. I work 2 jobs I always "managed" our money but no matter what was agreed on we had no savings. A few years ago I split off and opened my own account.
Now that I am divorced I am able to save a lot more at a lot less income. My biggest concern is that something will happen (medical, laid off etc) and I will not get support from him. Not a pleasant feeling, so I am trying to boost my earnings get everything paid off and save for about 6 months of expenses. 3 months is the normal - I will fell more comfortable with 6 months or more. (overachiever lol)
I too am looking into career counseling and more education. I don't want to work 2-3 low paying jobs the rest of my life.
Cricket
Now that I am divorced I am able to save a lot more at a lot less income. My biggest concern is that something will happen (medical, laid off etc) and I will not get support from him. Not a pleasant feeling, so I am trying to boost my earnings get everything paid off and save for about 6 months of expenses. 3 months is the normal - I will fell more comfortable with 6 months or more. (overachiever lol)
I too am looking into career counseling and more education. I don't want to work 2-3 low paying jobs the rest of my life.
Cricket
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know... this is SO important. I have two boys in their late 20s, and it's only been the last couple of years that they've become pretty much financially self-sufficient (their dad helped out much longer than I would have, but whatever--they are finally pretty much on their own), thank goodness.
I had SOOO many years that I wished I had taken advantage of the chance to save in a 457(b) plan. But during those years I was paying child support (important) and also supporting deadbeats with whom I was in relationships (dumb move), and there was never any "comp" left to defer. I was living paycheck to paycheck.
I'm making up for it now, since I'm collecting a pension on top of my salary. I'm maximizing ALL my contributions (403(b) and IRA) and also socking away what I can (and a lot of that is going to legal fees and/or eventual repair of my cracked foundation. I feel very fortunate, and at least I was smart enough to stay with the job that gives me the pension, and to keep working now, while I still enjoy it and am able, so I can supplement the pension until I'm ready to RETIRE-retire.
I will NEVER have to have someone else support me again--and I wouldn't trade that freedom for anything.
I had SOOO many years that I wished I had taken advantage of the chance to save in a 457(b) plan. But during those years I was paying child support (important) and also supporting deadbeats with whom I was in relationships (dumb move), and there was never any "comp" left to defer. I was living paycheck to paycheck.
I'm making up for it now, since I'm collecting a pension on top of my salary. I'm maximizing ALL my contributions (403(b) and IRA) and also socking away what I can (and a lot of that is going to legal fees and/or eventual repair of my cracked foundation. I feel very fortunate, and at least I was smart enough to stay with the job that gives me the pension, and to keep working now, while I still enjoy it and am able, so I can supplement the pension until I'm ready to RETIRE-retire.
I will NEVER have to have someone else support me again--and I wouldn't trade that freedom for anything.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I've just come off 2 years of unemployment, 1 year of that was just my savings, and the second year it was supplemented by a government benefit. My habit of saving and no debt paid off during this time. I could have accessed my superannuation a saving for retirement scheme we have here, but I didn't need to.
I also learned how to live off very little and now I have an income I can use those lessons to save as much as I can for retirement or if anything happens.
My principles are:
1. No 'bad' debt
2. Pay as much as you can off your mortgage (or other loan) so you have a safety margin
3. Learn to live well without wasting money
4. Have an ICE (in case of emergency) fund somewhere you can't get at it easily
5. When you can, put money away for retirement
6. NEVER let anyone else take care of your financial security
I also learned how to live off very little and now I have an income I can use those lessons to save as much as I can for retirement or if anything happens.
My principles are:
1. No 'bad' debt
2. Pay as much as you can off your mortgage (or other loan) so you have a safety margin
3. Learn to live well without wasting money
4. Have an ICE (in case of emergency) fund somewhere you can't get at it easily
5. When you can, put money away for retirement
6. NEVER let anyone else take care of your financial security
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I SOOO wanted to stay home with my babies-at least for a little bit. I love working and using my skills-but I did wabt that time that I'll never get back. BUT I never took that time-bc I could not give up my job and my income and rely on my husband. He was financially very successful but after our first was born I saw the shift to full blown alcoholism-and I knew I had to make my own way-and be self reliant. I'm incredibly glad I did-and I've excelled at my job and know without a doubt my kids and I are absolutely better off bc I did. I truly think my ex wanted me to stay at home as more of control by him-in his warped mind he literally wanted me to be his mommy...um, nope! I decided leaving my abusuve alcoholic was a much better option than anything he could provide, which was not much at the end. Praise God for working-all of us that can, should.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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One day at a time. Baby steps.
I'm working on Alanon's Tradition 7 and applying it to my finances, with the help of my sponsor. It's quite a predicament I've gotten myself into. I'm seeing more and more of my part in this. That's the good news, because I can do something about my own actions.
In order to become financially stable and self-sufficient, I'm now learning how to receive help in appropriate, necessary ways along with really *working* at my recovery program. I've "known" how for many years, yet when my actions and intentions aren't getting me to where I really do want to be at, that's where I'm really grateful to have a sponsor and a recovery program. I'm proceeding forward and healing.
I'm working on Alanon's Tradition 7 and applying it to my finances, with the help of my sponsor. It's quite a predicament I've gotten myself into. I'm seeing more and more of my part in this. That's the good news, because I can do something about my own actions.
In order to become financially stable and self-sufficient, I'm now learning how to receive help in appropriate, necessary ways along with really *working* at my recovery program. I've "known" how for many years, yet when my actions and intentions aren't getting me to where I really do want to be at, that's where I'm really grateful to have a sponsor and a recovery program. I'm proceeding forward and healing.
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