lou1988

I'm having a really hard time. I've been in a relationship for two years, and last year in January he drove drunk and got in a car crash that debilitated him and he still can't walk properly. I moved in with him to support him while he was getting back, literally and figuratively on his feet, and we both decided that I should stay after that because our relationship was great, he was living sober, and he was finally going back to work after nine months.

From December on, he relapsed 3 times (two on the only two nights I hadn't spent at his house), the final time right in front of me. It happened so quickly-- after trying to talk to him he said, "If you're trying to make me feel guilty, it's not working. I don't." So I packed a bag and had to leave.

I'm angry and sad. We had built a life together. We got a kitten six months ago.
But now my feelings of worry over his well-being trump every other emotion I'm feeling. He could get kicked out of his house (we live with his mother who has dementia). He could get himself gravely hurt again, or killed.
There were so many other reasons for me to leave besides him drinking. He didn't really treat me with much care, all of his own thoughts and feelings were the priority over what I was feeling...

But I still love him, I miss him badly, and all I want to do is go back home to him.
Right now I need strength. Strength, especially, to go over there this weekend to get the rest of my stuff. I'm so sad this has happened. I love him so deeply and fiercely.
I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I'm writing this after not being able to sleep that well.

FeelingGreat

Hi lou, of course you're making sense. The fact that he's an A doesn't mean you didn't love him and you're going to feel the loss. I think you did the right thing though, even if you're missing him right now.
What would the future look like with him relapsing, getting sober, relapsing. That's what it would most likely hold. You would be constantly anxious, and you wouldn't want to bring children into that atmosphere.
He might be ok on his own, or he might do stupid or harmful things, but that's his decision as an adult. You can't hang around checking on him all the time, and would you want a partner who you had to mother?
If you can, bear the pain in favour having a healthy life with an equal partner.

dandylion

lou......breaking the bonds with another that we have formed bonds with is always painful....among the most acutely painful of the human emotions.
An irony of that is that it feels the same if the relationship has been bad or good....This is human nature....
On the other hand...the pain doesn't last forever. Over time, it fades and will disappear as life goes on.
I call it short-term pain for the long-term gain......

I commend you for being able to make a difficult decision in favor of your own well-being.....
Many people hang on to a situation like this for years....or, even decades....and suffer greatly because of it.....

Until he can decide that he wants to get sober and work a program, it will continue to get worse and worse.....
The alcoholism is more powerful than you are.....it is his first "love"....

I urge you to hang around and read...read...read....and learn all you can.
You might want to read the book: "co-dependent No More"......I think it will resonate with you......

You are grieving the loss of your "dream", right now...and, this is normal....

I understand what you mean about the kitten......

dandylion

shell2516

Hi Lou.

You are very strong, very brave to leave him like that. I don't have an alcoholic partner but do have alcoholic parents and for the longest time I have wanted to walk away and not come back. It's such a hard thing to do.

You're worried about what he's going to do now you're not there- you can't stop him. If he's going to drink, if he wants to drink (which he clearly does) then he's going to find a way whether you're there to babysit him or not. You said yourself that he drank while you were there (if I'm reading your post right). He needs to want to stop, he needs to want to get help. Nothing you can do or say will make him.

I'm sure things will be hard for a while and I'm really sorry you're hurting. But you've taken an amazing and brave step, you've put yourself first. Things will get easier, brighter days are ahead for you I'm sure.

Take care of yourself.

JLOBYXMAS

Lou please don't mistake for one second that because we are all in different places in our relationships that we don't or didn't love our significant other with all of our hearts. My husband was the most amazing man I ever met in my life until the alcoholism, and then he wasn't, he became my worst enemy. Many stay for what they thought could have been, but the fact remains, the past is the past, you may never have that again, you can only deal with the here and now, protect yourself and do what's best for you based on the current state of affairs.
I encourage you to really think about what is best for you, I pray that you don't end up like me...resentful of the time I wasted.

Cyranoak

Alanon. This is an emergency for you-- and Alanon is for you too. Click here.

Bekindalways

Welcome Lou! And I'm so absolutely sorry for what has brought you here.

Leaving an alcoholic as you are doing is one of the most painfully, difficult things to do as well as one of the most constructive actions anyone can take. To do this get all the support you can. Alanon works for many and keep posting here as much as you want. Please, please follow through with this decision.