selpats

I don't know what to say here, really. I just kind of need some support.
Against my better judgement, I decided to try to talk to my addict. I gave myself a couple days of distance from him so I could think about it. I have asked him to talk twice (he has no idea why I stopped speaking to him), but every time I bring up that I want to talk to him, he starts ignoring me! I don't know if this is because he knows I'm going to break up with him or because he really just doesn't care what I have to say...This really has nothing to do with him. It's me. I feel like I need this conversation with him to get my closure. It just doesn't feel final until I hear the words coming out of my mouth, I guess...
I'm struggling with so many emotions right now. I'm having a really hard time distracting myself from this situation. I really wish I could get back into therapy for a few sessions, but financially it's just not realistic right now. I'm planning on attending a NarAnon meeting tomorrow. I feel so frustrated that I even have to do that. I want more than anything to put everything addiction related behind me and not look back, but I can't. As much as I don't want to admit it, I need the support of people who actually know what I'm going through.

Ann

Denying you the opportunity may be his way of getting back for your taking space to find your balance. Or not. Either way, you need to decide if you want to continue as things are, or to change and find a new path for yourself.

I am glad you have the support of your meeting and hope you will use the support of others to help you straighten out your thoughts. Journaling also may help, just writing out how you feel and your thoughts may give you the chance to unload the sadness, frustration and fear while you find your own security and self-worth.

Hugs

Ariesagain

Did you ever get what you wanted or needed from him?

Other than when it matched what he wanted?

It's still not happening and you know you're getting too close to the fire... "against my better judgment."

Maybe no answer is answer enough?

JimC60

Selpats,

"I'm planning on attending a NarAnon meeting tomorrow....... I need the support of people who actually know what I'm going through."

You have chosen a good course, at Nar-Anon you will find people who really understand your pain. If nothing else you will find out that you are not alone and that counts for a lot.

There is a fellow in my Nar-Anon home group who equates our sharing circle to a group of people sitting around a campfire. The heat from the fire is the collective strength and happiness of the group - these are always shared equally. The fire is fed by different people each week. Some weeks you will have wood to bring for the fire, other weeks you will have nothing and need to take.

So go to the meeting and collect some of the strength, you will feel better. In the beginning your strength may only last until you get to the door....then maybe until you get to the parking lot.....then until you get home....maybe a day, then two.......eventually it will last at least until the next meeting.

Keep coming back,

Jim

selpats

I don't know why it's bothering me so much that he's not responding, but it is. I decided to take some space on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday I tried to reach out to him. He responded, but when I asked him to call me so we can talk (he lives in the middle of nowhere with his parents, so he has to call from a landline--no cell service), he ignored me for the rest of the day and all of Wednesday as well. He reached out to me yesterday, but the first thing I said was that I still wanted to talk, and he once again ignored me for the rest of the day, and I have yet to hear from him today.
It's just really bothering me that he doesn't even know what I want to talk about, but the reason that I want to talk at all is enough for him to run for the hills. He's always been bad about talking about feelings, or really anything that requires him to be honest. For some reason I was expecting him to be a little more willing to talk after my two day hiatus. It seems like he's trying to wait me out because he's not completely ignoring me, but every time he reaches out to me, he pretends I never even said anything about wanting to speak to him. It seems like he's just waiting for me to give up so we can just go back to ignoring the fact that we have problems in our relationship. I don't know why he expects me to stick around for that. It is impossible to be in a relationship without sometimes talking about your relationship.
I feel like I'm always trying to explain his behavior with logic because if I can understand where he's coming from, it makes it easier for me to cope with. It's really hard on me when I can't explain his behavior with logic...I guess you can't explain something that just doesn't make sense. He's not thinking logically. All he knows is he doesn't want to talk, so he's not going too. I'm just scared that I'm not going to be able to walk away without having this conversation...

zoso77

If you were walking down the street one day and saw a downed power line, would you pick it up?

atalose

Breakups are hard especially when that is NOT what you truly desire BUT you can’t really be in a relationship with someone who’s primary and most cherished relationship is with drugs.

What I have seen over and over again is the person seeking “closure” is really just trying for one more shot at the relationship which hasn't been working.

He is already showing you with his actions that you and the relationship aren’t even worth his time on the phone. You can try and justify his actions, blame drugs, etc…………..but your answer to happiness isn’t with him.

Your road towards a life of happiness with people who can meet your needs and respect your wants lies in your recovery from letting go of this unhealthy relationship you want to hold on to.

You have the power right now today to give yourself closure and move away from what doesn’t make you happy.

teatreeoil007

I totally get what it feels like to desire closure...but the thing of it is: Speaking to him again may not even bring closure. It may. But it may not. I have found that that final phone call or whatever can turn out to be unpredictable in that you never know what the conversation may turn out to be as you cannot totally control the flow of the visit. It may go in directions you had not planned for and take a turn toward stirring up more feelings than you had banked on. So, it's a crap shoot really. Calling vs. not calling. When it's over it's over and no amount of visiting is going to change that. I wouldn't over-analyze his actions at this point in time. I wouldn't waste one more moment trying to "figure out" what is going on in his mind or on his end of it.

selpats

I just don't know what to do. To me, it feels like until I'm able to actually tell him it's over, it's not over. The last thing I want to do is end a long, serious and complicated relationship over text message, but I feel like it's my only option. I have always valued my ability to communicate with people. I feel like I'm going to spend the next couple days waiting to hear from him and feeling depressed just so I can tell him what I've been wanting to all along. It doesn't feel right. And it's making me feel like crap. Like I said before, I don't really care about how it makes him feel at this point...it's how it makes me feel.

atalose

Often we are told to only believe the addict’s actions not their words.

Why not let your “actions” speak for you? What “words” do you have to say to him that is so important to you?

It’s over?

Isn’t his actions already saying that?

Lolo85

This sentence really hit home with me. A few weeks ago my ex addict and I had our last conversation about us going down two different paths and the fact I needed to move on without him in my life. I knew it was over, but I still wanted to keep talking to him that day even though I knew all the talking/spending time with him in the world wouldn't change the fact he is selling and using meth. As much as I wanted to keep talking to him or seeing him, it wasn't going anywhere except putting me through continued heartache and misery. And I don't want to live that way...

You are exactly right. The bottom line is no amount of talking or seeing him was ever going to change what's been done and the choices he has made. It is SO hard letting go but that's what I had to do so I wouldn't continue hanging on to a toxic relationship where dope will always be the priority.

I still struggle with letting go but I have found it gets easier without communication. That is NOT to say it isn't hard and heartbreaking, but it has helped me to detach much quicker and also focus on my health and well-being.

teatreeoil007

Lolo: So, you have discovered the merit of "no contact" for reals...It seems as though communicating just stirs up more raw feelings...re-opens wounds that are starting to heal...The healing process can be tricky at times and inner wounds seem to take longer and even more care than physical wounds. There are things we can do to help the healing. We certainly shouldn't "expose" our wounds to possible infection. In many cases that means: No contact. Not directly; not INdirectly. Just: let it go...(easier said than done). At the heart of "no contact" is letting go...letting go takes courage and faith. I always do so much better when I trust in my HP.

teatreeoil007

Atalose: I sent you a pm.

PuzzledHeart

selpats, you can always write a letter the old-fashioned way and mail it. To me that seems much more personal than a text.

You're subjecting yourself to his mercy when you don't have to. I second teatreeoil - actually speaking to him isn't a guarantee that you'll get closure, at least the way you conceive it. And you may be the best communicator in the world, but if somebody is REALLY determined not to listen to you it's not going to happen. Just try to get into a political argument with somebody and you'll see what I'm talking about.

The thing is that he can't give you the closure you need. That's something that you have to give yourself. When you sincerely wish him the best with all your heart, but at the same time recognize for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be, THAT's closure. And it almost doesn't matter what the reason was, it was just life - as cruel and beautiful as it can be.

You don't need to hear from him to move towards that closure - but it takes time, and it means a willingness to let him go. I get the feeling that you're not there yet, and it might not happen for a long time, because it's hard to let go of something we valued for so long. But having that intention is a good first step, and you can decide how to practice that intention.

Just realize that no matter how you slice and dice it, waiting for him to get back to you is not practicing that intention to let him go.

Vale

As so many wise people here have stated, there is no closure.
There is merely that point reached (or not reached) where we
make the general declaration to the vastness of existence..... " I will
not allow myself to be treated this way. Not by any person, and not for
any reason." The method is but an element of style. I changed my phone
number. Kind of hard to misinterpret.

JOIE12

The desire to control or direct someone else's path - rarely works.

I practiced by being the one to walk away.
When CODEPENDENCY was no longer going to CONTROL me.
Sure I miss him but - but becoming independent again - saved me.

Hugs
Joie

hopeful4

You are looking for a closure you will not get.

Write a letter.

Many hugs.

zoso77

Explain it this way.

He's an addict. This is what addicts do.

Done.

Do not waste your time trying to get into his head, or trying to figure out his behavior. There is nothing to be gained by that exercise.

He's an addict. This is what addicts do.

Troubledsister

My brother just played that same game with me yesterday. Sent me a long nasty text and when I suggested we speak on the phone about it, he said " No we're clear." Who is clear? Him? The addict only wants to communicate with those on his side and control it the whole way.

I agree with write a letter. Then don't mail it - just throw it out or burn it.

allmirages

Selpats - It has been a while since I have been on here. My exbf and I have officially been a part over a year now. After rehab he cut ties with me (we had an argument because I called him on a few lies...was very heated and said he'd call me later..then I didn't hear from him for about a month) and every once in a while we had interactions that ended up very poorly, sometimes nasty. For so long I wanted and thought I NEEDED closure. It has taken so very much work; talking to others, journaling, going to meetings, reading books on addiction, narcissists, etc., reading this site...really looking inward, to help me understand that my ex will NEVER give me closure. So, I had to give it to myself.

As other have stated, the "last talk" to end the relationship, is a very hard thing to do. Most non-addicts that can face and deal with such emotions have a hard time doing it, and some still avoid it. Now, think of an addict who typically turns to substances because they cannot deal with sometimes even minor trials and tribulations.

I totally get where you are coming from and it hurts my heart that you are hurting, too. I think many of us have struggled to let go, but many times you have to let go to save yourself. I hope you find the strength to find your own closure. It almost seems as his cutting you off or pushing you away is really just a way of controlling you...again. That is no way to live. The statement others have made is so true....look at ACTIONS....not words. They tell the truth.

Hugs to you!