hope778

Needing encouragement. I guess... Not sure what I need. AH is away at rehab - bringing a whole new wave of emotions. The most recent one being sadness and what I believe to be grief. Grieving what we had so long ago. Missing him - who he was and who we were before all of this. Missing the simplicity of our love that was and the carefree relationship we once enjoyed. This week has brought detachment, and I have felt more clearheaded than I have in a long time. Still, yesterday and this morning waves of this new emotion crash on me and I just need to get past it. I think with detachment has come me being honest and real with myself and it is hitting me that soon there may not be an us anymore. If he relapses or things go back to how they have been there will be no more us. Maybe this is premature grief or a subconscious way that my mind is trying to prepare and protect myself, but it's hard. And I miss him.

Ann

Hope, forgive me for forgetting if you already said, but have you tried meetings for you? Al-Anon, Nar-anon and CoDA (my personal home group) are three similar fellowships that are about US, and they have helped many of us work through our feelings and find our balance again.

Now would be a great time for you to find some healing for yourself, and then when he is done rehab you will be stronger to make decisions that are right for you...no matter how he is.

Why not give them a try, you're worth the effort.

Hugs

Turtle76

Hope, I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it today. As I've said before, you and I are in the same boat right now. I find the emotions come and go. I can be angry, sad, and hopeful, all in a matter of moments. What I find though, is alot of these emotions come when im either dwelling on the past, or trying to predict the future. My biggest saving grace right now is the mantra "one day (or sometimes moment) at a time". I am truly learning to appreciate living in the moment. I cannot change the past, and the "what ifs" could drive me crazy if I chose to go over those in my head.

I understsnd the missing him though. My heart aches most days. When this happens, I write him a letter. Sometimes I mail them. Sometimes I don't. It seems awfully unfair that they can call when they want, but you cant pick up the phone and call them. I also understand greiving the loss if carefreeness. We just had our 6th anniversary while he is in rehab, and I think back to all those good times in the beginning, and wonder if we will ever have those again. I am hopeful, but cautious. I hope, that as long as I work on myself, and he works his program, then there is a chance.

Just try and focus on what you need, for today, and not what might or might not happen. Sending you lots of positive energy. 💓

hope778

I have started Al-Anon and have a temporary sponsor. I am still new to it - have been to 3 meetings so far. They are encouraging.

The detachment is an ongoing process... Shifting my focus from him to me is very unnatural for me. Like many wives/mothers/loved ones here I've always put other before myself - to a fault. It feels very selfish, strange, and wrong almost to be putting myself first. I get pangs of guilt about not being able to help him. What a tough transition!

Lolo85

Hope, I am sending my thoughts and prayers your way for peace and strength through all you are going through.

I have been going through a rough breakup with my ex addict for the past two months and it has been the most painful experience I have ever gone through. However, within the past week or so I have started having better days and don't cry nearly as much. I can feel a definite difference in my emotional state (and it is for the better). This morning I woke up and felt really good and hopeful about life. I am really trying to enjoy the simple things (reading, laughing with friends, bubble baths, healthy meals, hiking, spending time with my sweet beagle, etc). And last but definitely not least is prayer has been the #1 thing that has helped through all this.

I hope you know you are not alone in your heartache and sadness.

zoso77

Only simplicity and carefree do not last in any long term, mature relationship, whether it's a marriage or dating. Inevitably, things change. Right now, we have no idea how things are going to go for you two, and that's got to be stressful. So the only thing you can do is monitor yourself and take care of your side of the street. It'll be tough, but it's all you can do...

AnvilheadII

it sounds like the reality of your NOW is really catching up with you.....seeing just how far in the past the "good" time were, how much he has changed, how much YOU have changed, and it ain't all rainbows and unicorns.

sweets, we ALL wish to return to younger carefree days....i'm 56, and i'd pay good money for another day at 47, or maybe just to have the knees of my 38 year old again. days before being a home owner, a dog owner, a mom.....back to the days when i took that first temp job, before i knew that i would be at the SAME organization 25 years later.....or any day PRIOR to hot flashes (that's a 16 year and counting run).

you're going thru normal natural grief and contemplation.....while working on accepting the new NOW even when you don't quite know what that IS yet........

hope778

Thank you. This advice may seem so obvious, but I really needed to hear it. This is exactly it. I am reminiscing about how things used to be, and also very anxious about the future. About the possibility of us not making it together. Neither of those are things of the present. I need to focus on the present. Just wish things ended up differently. Don't we all? This was never the plan.

hope778

From posts like this I am reminded I am not alone. Many have been where I am or am where I am. The sadness comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers far too long. But I do catch myself at times during the day genuinely laughing, or enjoying something. It usually hits me and I start thinking, wow I haven't felt simple joy like that in a while. Thank you for your encouragement!

hope778

That first line hit me. I did realize as I was thinking about our carefree days I was thinking mostly of times pre-marriage or early marriage. Before things really hit. I am hopeful we can have a free, peacful, truly joyful life again, but you're right - the stressful part is not know which way things will go. We can come out of this stronger than we have ever been, or fall apart completely. It is painful thinking of the later. So I try not to. Yet a part of me tries to prepare for that the best I know how. I guess that is where the anxiety creeps in.

Trying to take care of me! Which is new territory in itself, but really trying. When I have the compulsion to worry about him or pour all my energy into writing an encouraging letter to him, for example, I shift to reading out of my Alanon book or prayer for peace and guidance for myself. I'm trying...

Thank you.

zoso77

It is painful to think of the latter. It's never easy to think of what our lives would be like without someone we love in it.

But I can tell you from experience that we can adapt to that change. It can suck early on, but we can adapt to a life that would certainly be different. And different doesn't necessarily mean bad.

hope778

The now is definitely hitting me. I think talking with people has opened my eyes to the real possibilities. The rose colored glasses have been torn off - whether I like it or not! The anticipation and being in limbo is killer. That is what I am struggling with now. Trying to focus on the here and now, because that is all we really have.

or any day PRIOR to hot flashes (that's a 16 year and counting run). lol