How to heal when the abuse continues
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How to heal when the abuse continues
Struggling with how to heal from the abuse when the abuse, bullying, stalking, harrassment, etc just has continued. Time and space and no contact with the abuser would be nice in a perfect world but not with my abusive controlling ex. How did y'all fully heal from the abuse and crazy when it's still there sometimes day to day bc of children???
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Hi, For,
I don't have personal experience to share, but my suggestion would be to talk with an advocate. Based on your history, you might be eligible for a protective order that would severely limit your (and the kids') interactions with him. It might require you to disclose some things that you aren't yet ready to disclose, but if you are working with a therapist and/or support group you may get to the point where you're strong enough to do that. Even if you don't want to do it yet, keep that option in mind. It wouldn't require you to file criminal charges, and family court matters are sealed in many places.
I don't have personal experience to share, but my suggestion would be to talk with an advocate. Based on your history, you might be eligible for a protective order that would severely limit your (and the kids') interactions with him. It might require you to disclose some things that you aren't yet ready to disclose, but if you are working with a therapist and/or support group you may get to the point where you're strong enough to do that. Even if you don't want to do it yet, keep that option in mind. It wouldn't require you to file criminal charges, and family court matters are sealed in many places.
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I sure wish I had a solution... My experience is that the family court system views folks like you or I coming forward and expressing upset and concern about these on going behaviors, as being part of a "high conflict" divorce.
I have found it to be a total utter waste of my time to pursue protection from the court/legal system because in my experience judges are loathe to hold abusers accountable for things that don't "cross the line" aka until he shoots me or punches me outright, there is no threat...
I am right there with you in finding this intolerable and wish there was a solution...
I have found it to be a total utter waste of my time to pursue protection from the court/legal system because in my experience judges are loathe to hold abusers accountable for things that don't "cross the line" aka until he shoots me or punches me outright, there is no threat...
I am right there with you in finding this intolerable and wish there was a solution...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I'm so sorry.
This may not work for you, but I limited my contact with him to email only. Not even texts because I had a physical reaction when they popped up. I created a separate email account for his emails only, that I checked at certain times through the day or week--but not all the time. It helped decrease the contact. But I still struggled to heal, because any contact seemed to jerk me backwards.
I had so many people wanting to help me. My sister lives miles away but was so sensible and good at cutting through his BS. So for a while, I stopped reading emails. I gave her access to the email and she read them nightly. She would text, call, or email with what needed saying and take care of the interaction.
She was able to take an email from him that would be two or three paragraphs barraging and insulting me, blaming me, threatening stupid stuff, and pull out the actual message of "he'd like to see the boys next Friday". Hearing the message from her in her words didn't trigger me and I'd tell her how to respond. She'd tell me how to limit my response to what was necessary and sort of trained me. She'd respond to him addressing only the issue at hand, ignoring the rest. She didn't tell me about any of the emails that required no response, and ignored those too. He learned to stop that and I healed much faster. He never knew I wasn't the one reading and responding.
At some point I was able to take them back over and not be triggered, but for me this was a life saver. I also learned a lot from her ability as an outsider to see through the crap and not even really read it. Just skim for the necessary message.
If you have any way to do this, maybe try it for a month or two and see how you feel. One thing I realized was that it was very hard to do--I was a bit addicted to being triggered and wanting to see what it was. At the same time I stopped monitoring his texts to the boys, and decided they could talk to me if they needed to. It was truly the one of the healthiest things I've done, but it was very hard. I removed that email account from my phone for a while and purposely stopped checking the boys' phones.
It sounds like a lot to ask of someone, but my sister was so grateful to be able to help.
This may not work for you, but I limited my contact with him to email only. Not even texts because I had a physical reaction when they popped up. I created a separate email account for his emails only, that I checked at certain times through the day or week--but not all the time. It helped decrease the contact. But I still struggled to heal, because any contact seemed to jerk me backwards.
I had so many people wanting to help me. My sister lives miles away but was so sensible and good at cutting through his BS. So for a while, I stopped reading emails. I gave her access to the email and she read them nightly. She would text, call, or email with what needed saying and take care of the interaction.
She was able to take an email from him that would be two or three paragraphs barraging and insulting me, blaming me, threatening stupid stuff, and pull out the actual message of "he'd like to see the boys next Friday". Hearing the message from her in her words didn't trigger me and I'd tell her how to respond. She'd tell me how to limit my response to what was necessary and sort of trained me. She'd respond to him addressing only the issue at hand, ignoring the rest. She didn't tell me about any of the emails that required no response, and ignored those too. He learned to stop that and I healed much faster. He never knew I wasn't the one reading and responding.
At some point I was able to take them back over and not be triggered, but for me this was a life saver. I also learned a lot from her ability as an outsider to see through the crap and not even really read it. Just skim for the necessary message.
If you have any way to do this, maybe try it for a month or two and see how you feel. One thing I realized was that it was very hard to do--I was a bit addicted to being triggered and wanting to see what it was. At the same time I stopped monitoring his texts to the boys, and decided they could talk to me if they needed to. It was truly the one of the healthiest things I've done, but it was very hard. I removed that email account from my phone for a while and purposely stopped checking the boys' phones.
It sounds like a lot to ask of someone, but my sister was so grateful to be able to help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Praying--that's an AWESOME strategy. And it worked primarily because your "secretary" didn't feel the need to fill you in on all the ugly, irrelevant nonsense he was spewing.
Your sister sounds like a wonderful ally.
Your sister sounds like a wonderful ally.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It is very difficult to heal from the constant barrage of abuse. When I left my then alcoholic porn addicted husband 3 and a half years ago, he spent the next year harassing me through the divorce process. Among other things, he would send me spreadsheets of our divorce settlement in which he would get the house and I would get the timeshares. I got so exasperated and upset that I told him I would paper his living room with them if he sent me anymore. He must have liked that, because he sent more spreadsheets.
Just what he wanted. Attention from me, regardless of whether it was good or bad. He wanted connection with me, to be able to make me feel and make me respond. That made him feel alive and feel that he hadn't lost me. He needed a difficult relationship with someone in order to feel alive himself.
The absence of love is not hate. It is indifference.
For me, I was brain washed into unconsciously expecting my life to be full of chaos, challenges, battles which were imposed on me, that I had to respond to. That is what I had sunken to expecting after being married almost 20 years. That is what "normal" meant to me when I finally left. I let that happen to myself. I participated in it.
And I was the one who had to get myself out of that way of living. I had to value myself enough to see that this was damaging to me, and that I did not have to invite this into my life. I did not have to ALLOW this into my life. That makes all the difference. I was free to leave him emotionally, even if he still needed our old destructive patterns to fulfill himself. I was free to say to him "Get another partner. I'm done. I'm out of here." And mean it.
I think what helps is to, over time, invite peace into your life. Invite serenity into your life. Practically, for me, that meant starting to observe my knee jerk responses to his belligerance. Then I could stop and say, no, wait a minute, I don't have to feel or respond that way. I can choose another way.
It was like re-educating myself about what normal, pleasant interactions are. It didn't help at first, but gradually I could see how and where I was getting hooked. I could see what reaction he was looking for me to have, and then rethink whether there was any reason I had to respond that way.
In the meantime, and this is why Alanon, private therapy, and reading help, keep your focus on what it is that makes you and your kids happy, and create more of that each day.
He is a man with a problem, and he is not choosing to solve that problem so it is not going away.
Remember, his problem is not YOUR PROBLEM. He can only inflict it on you if you let him. Treat him like the crazy great-uncle who will only come to the Thanksgiving table with one shoe on and only eat green things. Make a picture in your mind - or draw a series of them - about what he looks like with his crazy behavior, then paste that in the front of your mind when you have to interact with him.
Praying's suggestion above is brilliant.
Keep your eyes and ears on what health is, and filter out the rest.
Said with much empathy,
ShootingStar1
Just what he wanted. Attention from me, regardless of whether it was good or bad. He wanted connection with me, to be able to make me feel and make me respond. That made him feel alive and feel that he hadn't lost me. He needed a difficult relationship with someone in order to feel alive himself.
The absence of love is not hate. It is indifference.
For me, I was brain washed into unconsciously expecting my life to be full of chaos, challenges, battles which were imposed on me, that I had to respond to. That is what I had sunken to expecting after being married almost 20 years. That is what "normal" meant to me when I finally left. I let that happen to myself. I participated in it.
And I was the one who had to get myself out of that way of living. I had to value myself enough to see that this was damaging to me, and that I did not have to invite this into my life. I did not have to ALLOW this into my life. That makes all the difference. I was free to leave him emotionally, even if he still needed our old destructive patterns to fulfill himself. I was free to say to him "Get another partner. I'm done. I'm out of here." And mean it.
I think what helps is to, over time, invite peace into your life. Invite serenity into your life. Practically, for me, that meant starting to observe my knee jerk responses to his belligerance. Then I could stop and say, no, wait a minute, I don't have to feel or respond that way. I can choose another way.
It was like re-educating myself about what normal, pleasant interactions are. It didn't help at first, but gradually I could see how and where I was getting hooked. I could see what reaction he was looking for me to have, and then rethink whether there was any reason I had to respond that way.
In the meantime, and this is why Alanon, private therapy, and reading help, keep your focus on what it is that makes you and your kids happy, and create more of that each day.
He is a man with a problem, and he is not choosing to solve that problem so it is not going away.
Remember, his problem is not YOUR PROBLEM. He can only inflict it on you if you let him. Treat him like the crazy great-uncle who will only come to the Thanksgiving table with one shoe on and only eat green things. Make a picture in your mind - or draw a series of them - about what he looks like with his crazy behavior, then paste that in the front of your mind when you have to interact with him.
Praying's suggestion above is brilliant.
Keep your eyes and ears on what health is, and filter out the rest.
Said with much empathy,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank y'all. Very much. I try to keep my focus on me and my choices-that's what finally got me out. I had for years always tried to figure out what it was in HIM that made him do what he did-I analyzed, researched, tried to listen to him....until I realized my focus should be on me-and why I continued to stay with him. I understand that now, but getting at the shame, my shame, at how I chose to act at times just to try to make him happy-and the shame I have for not speaking out-I was terrified of him looking bad-and him getting angry-and that nobody would believe me. He's an abuser, covert and overt. When it's still in your face bc of phone calls, and hearing the abuse in those calls, it doesn't allow any space to heal-for me or my okdest daughter-constant onslaught of emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation coupled with the past physical, etc abuse. It is just not okay. It's not ok!!!!! I know I will heal.
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I set up a similar situation as Praying with contact only by e-mail and only about DS with my sister initially running interference. I later took over the e-mail stuff again, and it did get easier as time went on. While some of the stuff he sends still ticks me off, I no longer get panic attacks when I see a new e-mail notice pop up for that account. (And, IMHO, it's a huge step to be able to get upset with the tactics he pulls without the underlying tone of fear that used to be connected.)
My family and friends were also awesome enough to make sure someone was always around for the pick up and drop off times for DS's visits for like the first year. If I felt like I needed them to be the ones at the door, they'd do so. If I felt like I could do it on my own, they let me know they would be in the kitchen, or garage, or where ever. Or if I wanted them with me at the door, they'd help DS grab his coat from the closet at the entryway. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As worried as I was that it was a huge imposition, it was nothing. Not *nothing* like "Jeez, why bother?" but *nothing* like, "Seriously, TU, don't worry. It's no problem, not a hassle at all." They were happy to be able to help provide support and, more often than not, hang out afterwards.
Healing is possible when you still have to deal with the abuser. Be patient and gentle with yourself. It may be that you need to give yourself more time and make more space. I'm not sure how to clarify what I mean.... I had to be OK with taking the time and take up space to feel steady, to kind of psych myself up to deal with him and still feel safe. I had to let myself be OK with finding ways and people that helped me feel like *ME* when I had to deal with him and how he tries to push me to be how he wants me to be. Like the e-mail buffer. Or, I felt like I could be more Me when standing at the doorway at DS's visitation pick-ups if friends or family were nearby. Or whatever other steps that give you the support you need at the time. I don't know if that makes sense. ?
My family and friends were also awesome enough to make sure someone was always around for the pick up and drop off times for DS's visits for like the first year. If I felt like I needed them to be the ones at the door, they'd do so. If I felt like I could do it on my own, they let me know they would be in the kitchen, or garage, or where ever. Or if I wanted them with me at the door, they'd help DS grab his coat from the closet at the entryway. Don't be afraid to ask for help. As worried as I was that it was a huge imposition, it was nothing. Not *nothing* like "Jeez, why bother?" but *nothing* like, "Seriously, TU, don't worry. It's no problem, not a hassle at all." They were happy to be able to help provide support and, more often than not, hang out afterwards.
Healing is possible when you still have to deal with the abuser. Be patient and gentle with yourself. It may be that you need to give yourself more time and make more space. I'm not sure how to clarify what I mean.... I had to be OK with taking the time and take up space to feel steady, to kind of psych myself up to deal with him and still feel safe. I had to let myself be OK with finding ways and people that helped me feel like *ME* when I had to deal with him and how he tries to push me to be how he wants me to be. Like the e-mail buffer. Or, I felt like I could be more Me when standing at the doorway at DS's visitation pick-ups if friends or family were nearby. Or whatever other steps that give you the support you need at the time. I don't know if that makes sense. ?
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Heya Fourourgirls, great thread. I haven't had any experience with this so can't add any wisdom.
I'm hoping you have a sister/friend/brother/cousin/aunt who can run a bit of interference for you! I loved how the others worked it that out. What a great idea!
I'm hoping you have a sister/friend/brother/cousin/aunt who can run a bit of interference for you! I loved how the others worked it that out. What a great idea!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Good Morning For
I wish I had some advise for you on this. My ex was at times a PIA but I think he was more scared of me than anything else..lol. He tried at the beginning of our divorce to continue his abuse but I used to hang up on him. I was determined that he would NO LONGER interrupt the peace I was looking for and finally finding after those crazy years..NO WAY!
He finally got the message.
The good news is we are now at a place of friendship with one goal in mind, our son.
You'll get there, yes, you will.
Xoxo hang in there girl. Just keep thinking to yourself ( peace & harmony, peace & harmony)
Ro
I wish I had some advise for you on this. My ex was at times a PIA but I think he was more scared of me than anything else..lol. He tried at the beginning of our divorce to continue his abuse but I used to hang up on him. I was determined that he would NO LONGER interrupt the peace I was looking for and finally finding after those crazy years..NO WAY!
He finally got the message.
The good news is we are now at a place of friendship with one goal in mind, our son.
You'll get there, yes, you will.
Xoxo hang in there girl. Just keep thinking to yourself ( peace & harmony, peace & harmony)
Ro
Last edited by Lilro; 02-04-2016 at 05:14 AM. Reason: Spelling
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RO-I have to disagree, as I will never get to a place where I'm friends with him. I have no desire to be friends with my abuser and the abuser of our children. I will definitely heal, and ansolutely look out for my kids as number one-but will never trust him again-or believe a word that comes out of his mouth-bc he is a liar and abuser, and that's his fault, not mine.
Thanks for your words-and I'm glad you and your ex have come to a place of working together.
Thanks for your words-and I'm glad you and your ex have come to a place of working together.
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I think the take-away here first step is to get some help from your family
and to set up email only communication--no more phone calls or texts.
Only about children and visitation, all other divorce issues go to your lawyer.
You don't ever have to take a call directly again once you get a system in place.
and to set up email only communication--no more phone calls or texts.
Only about children and visitation, all other divorce issues go to your lawyer.
You don't ever have to take a call directly again once you get a system in place.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Yeah, true abuse is a lot different from marital unpleasantness complicated by alcoholism.
No way do you want to be friends, and it's not a realistic goal. About the best you can hope for is that he might eventually give up on the need to control you (sadly, that might be because he's got someone else to control) so your life (and the kids' lives) aren't subject to constant disruption while he plays his games.
No way do you want to be friends, and it's not a realistic goal. About the best you can hope for is that he might eventually give up on the need to control you (sadly, that might be because he's got someone else to control) so your life (and the kids' lives) aren't subject to constant disruption while he plays his games.
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I have limited contact with the XAH because we have kids. I had to see him THREE times last week and that was just entirely too much. I had expected and dreaded about seeing him at least the one time I knew I would, but then to see him two more times unexpectedly and refuse his advances emotionally was way too much for me to handle. I was a mess for the entire weekend and finally snapped out of it by Wednesday. I can't handle being around him.
Sue
Sue
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Hi ladies
Let me rephrase. Friends in like we hang out or call each other on phone to chit chat? No
Friendly towards each other in the presence of and for the sake of our son, yes.
I wish it was just martial unpleasantness. Nope, it was abuse with an addicted spouse. Believe me, the first few years there were times when I wanted to punch his lights out, still do on some occasions. For the most part though we are "friendly" with each other.
Let me rephrase. Friends in like we hang out or call each other on phone to chit chat? No
Friendly towards each other in the presence of and for the sake of our son, yes.
I wish it was just martial unpleasantness. Nope, it was abuse with an addicted spouse. Believe me, the first few years there were times when I wanted to punch his lights out, still do on some occasions. For the most part though we are "friendly" with each other.
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I think my thing is shame-I did some pretty degrading and crazy things during the bad times-and stuff he made fun of me for during/after the divorce. He would abuse and there I was begging him to stay-literally. Begging him not to leave me bc I believed his evil lies that nobody else would want me. The shame in that is hard to bear sometimes. I think being triggered by the constant onslaught of more abuse, threats, etc DOES help to constantly reinforce that I made one hell of a right decision to leave him with mommy-but it also reinforces the pain I went through. And still go through when I see it effect my kids-and he doesn't give a ****. He does whatever he wants with no regard for his his actions or words affect others. Must be nice to live that way-no guilt, no remorse and no shame. What a pitiful soul. Prayers commencing for him-I hit anger and now I pray.
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
I think my thing is shame-I did some pretty degrading and crazy things during the bad times-and stuff he made fun of me for during/after the divorce. He would abuse and there I was begging him to stay-literally. Begging him not to leave me bc I believed his evil lies that nobody else would want me. The shame in that is hard to bear sometimes. I think being triggered by the constant onslaught of more abuse, threats, etc DOES help to constantly reinforce that I made one hell of a right decision to leave him with mommy-but it also reinforces the pain I went through. And still go through when I see it effect my kids-and he doesn't give a ****. He does whatever he wants with no regard for his his actions or words affect others. Must be nice to live that way-no guilt, no remorse and no shame. What a pitiful soul. Prayers commencing for him-I hit anger and now I pray.
I'm so glad you are at the point where you can pray for him - I am still stuck with gobfuls of anger.
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For,
I need you to hear me clearly. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!
That "man" was your husband and you were his wife. You did NOTHING that a woman in love wouldn't do, NOTHING.
The only one in this scenario that should be ashamed of themselves is HIM so don't go twisting it around.
I asked my therapist the other day why? Why did I put up with it? Why did I allow him to treat me the way he did? Why didn't I leave sooner? I've always considered myself a pretty strong person, it's hard to believe I stayed as long as I did. If I had heard this from my girlfriends I would have not even batted an eyelash in telling them RUN!! Why didn't I extend that same courtesy to myself?
My therapists answer? Because you loved him.
That's it, plain and simple.
We can't erase what has happened. It happened, ok, don't beat yourself up with it. You can't move forward if you keep looking back. His hurtful words to you are meant to be that way, you left him and he will say anything to bring you down to his level. Don't let him do that. You know who you are! Now shake it off!!
Believe me, I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. I pretty much think we all can. I know I will occasionally glance back and think " what the heck were you thinking?" But it will be brief and I will move forward knowing that I indeed did love, just the wrong guy.
Be good to you... You deserve it!
Xoxo Ro
I need you to hear me clearly. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!
That "man" was your husband and you were his wife. You did NOTHING that a woman in love wouldn't do, NOTHING.
The only one in this scenario that should be ashamed of themselves is HIM so don't go twisting it around.
I asked my therapist the other day why? Why did I put up with it? Why did I allow him to treat me the way he did? Why didn't I leave sooner? I've always considered myself a pretty strong person, it's hard to believe I stayed as long as I did. If I had heard this from my girlfriends I would have not even batted an eyelash in telling them RUN!! Why didn't I extend that same courtesy to myself?
My therapists answer? Because you loved him.
That's it, plain and simple.
We can't erase what has happened. It happened, ok, don't beat yourself up with it. You can't move forward if you keep looking back. His hurtful words to you are meant to be that way, you left him and he will say anything to bring you down to his level. Don't let him do that. You know who you are! Now shake it off!!
Believe me, I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. I pretty much think we all can. I know I will occasionally glance back and think " what the heck were you thinking?" But it will be brief and I will move forward knowing that I indeed did love, just the wrong guy.
Be good to you... You deserve it!
Xoxo Ro
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