Lexii

Hi everyone,

My name is Lexi and I'm new here. I don't really consider myself an alcoholic because I really don't drink very often. But the problem is that whenever I drink, I drink a lot, and almost every time something bad happens. Let me start by telling a bit about myself. I'm 21, female, and in college. I live away from home with 2 roommates. In general, I am a very mature, outgoing, and positive person.

I really believe that things changed for me my freshman year of college, when I was 18. It was the first time I got really drunk. When I say drunk I mean out of my mind wasted. The weird thing is that I remember a lot. But I know I was really bad. I'm talking throwing up, not able to walk, passing out on the sidewalk bad. It was probably only the 2nd or 3rd time I ever drank in my life.

That night I was sexually assaulted by a guy who lived in my dorm and offered to "walk me home" ----this was my first sexual experience ever.

After that I really think I thought that drinking made me attractive to guys. The only times I ever seemed to get attention from men was when I was drunk. So I drank more and more and more. I ended up in the hospital THREE times. I think these times were more a matter of campus security than actual threat to my health...I never needed my stomach pumped or anything, just to "sleep it off." I'm glad campus police stepped in though.

The last of those times I was sexually assaulted AGAIN. By a group of guys. I considered one of them my friend. It was a really bad time for me.

A few years later I continue to drink, but not to that extent. I can usually drink casually and take care of myself. But every now and then I start drinking and can't stop. When that happens, all I can think about is my two sexual assaults. It's almost like I'm asking for it to happen again.

I'm so confused. I want to be able to drink casually and hang out with my friends or boyfriend without these serious repercussions. I want to understand what happened to me a few years ago.

If you know anything about any of this, please help me. I'm feeling very lost right now.

Carlotta

Have you seen a therapist or joined a rape victim support group?
1 in 4 women will be (or has been) assaulted during college so you are not the only survivor of campus sexual violence out there.
It looks like when you drink, you just don't have an off switch button. Maybe you will outgrow it but very probably you are like us and will have to commit to complete abstinence if you ever want to have a shot at living a good sober life.
Most people can drink casually but others can't.
I consider myself an alcoholic. I was a ligt weight quantity wise but I did my drinking alone (no "social drinking" for me) and alcohol brought me into some very dark place mentally. I have come to accept that I just can never drink safely again and I am ok with it.
Anyway, welcome to SR. Read around, read our stories and see if you can identify with some of them.

Ps: life without alcohol can be really good you know

Melina

I'm so sorry, Lexii.

You may be better off not drinking alcohol again, regardless of whether you are an alcoholic or not. Ending up in the hospital three times because of drinking shows that your mind/body can not handle alcohol. Also, the people around you are predators and that is so dangerous.

I wish you peace and healing.

Jsbodhi

Hi!
I was blacking out and drinking way too much as well, I was having bad things happen too, though not assault, more like ruining things.
So I started drinking alone and that was a bad idea! Bad!
If its causing problems for you, maybe you should consider giving it up.

A friend of mine has been sexually assaulted a couple times too- each time while being drunk.
She said that alcohol was the common denominator each time something went wrong- so she just stopped ( years ago)

Xoxo

Carlotta

Here is a link to a website which list resources in the US
https://www.notalone.gov/resources/

mecanix

hey Lexii ,

Welcome to SR .
Bad things seem to happen when you're drinking and drinking till blackout is a very unhealthy thing to be doing.

Giving up alcohol made my life manageable , me and drink in whatever level made my life unmanageable.

you've had some pretty traumatic things happen, maybe finding a therapist to talk to about them might be a good idea ?

wouldn't do any harm would it ?

Bestwishes, m

Soberwolf

Welcome Lexii this community is fantastic in terms of guidance friendship & support I'm really sorry what happened to you

teatreeoil007

Thx for sharing & it saddens to hear about your rapes... I can't tell you for sure if you're alkie or not but ptsd is a contrbutor to addiction...

Carlotta

Two suggestions:

1) Abstain from drinking for 3 months and see how you feel at the end of that period.

If your first reaction to that was to freak out at the idea of not drinking for that long or if you thought:
No way!! I cannot do it!
then you do have a serious problem with alcohol.

2) Check out the Women In Recovery subforum

Women In Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

We have some amazing strong women on SR and I am sure you will identify with a few of them. It is also a very safe place.

Zeroine

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you. I've been sexually assaulted in a particular situation, and in the years following I somehow got myself into a similar situation a number of times. Even if nothing bad happened I was vulnerable and there was always a risk.

I remember in trauma therapy looking back and wondering "What was I thinking?" My therapist really helped me by pointing out there's a big difference between "What was I thinking?" and "I was asking for it". None of us ask for it. And I wasn't thinking, I was suppressing a lot of unaddressed trauma and part of my brain was in a fog.

There are psychological effects of trauma that can lead us unconsciously to the same situation again, for a number of reasons. It isn't deliberate and it isn't our fault, but the more we can do to keep ourselves safe the better.

For a while, I couldn't rely on my judgement to keep me safe as I went out and about. So it was better for me to have some basic rules for safety and always stick to them. What do you think about setting yourself a rule not to drink at all, at least while you try to figure this out?

You've been through a lot, and I agree with others that it might be a good idea to look into therapy. There are also some good forums which are specifically for trauma or sexual assault (if you join a forum for that, make sure it's a private, supportive, well-moderated one).

I can't help you much on the drinking side because I'm very new to recovery myself, but there are lots of good folks here who will be able to, I hope.

Fly N Buy

I have daughters a little older than you. If I were speaking with them I would tell them to seek immediate help from a therapist. I would also advise they do not drink, at all - ever.

I'd ask them this - How can you reasonably expect to drink knowing that control of intake has been a very serious problem with horrific consequences?

Your precious life and well being is vastly more important than drinking, I promise.

" I can usually drink casually and take care of myself. But every now and then I start drinking and can't stop. When that happens, all I can think about is my two sexual assaults. It's almost like I'm asking for it to happen again. "

Please don't play russian roulette

ACT10Npack

Sorry to hear about that about the sexual assault. I would agree with Fly N Buy about seeing a therapist. Also, have you thought about reporting this guy to the police? Get this guy off the streets so that he will not do it again to an other woman.

least

I don't know how you define "alcoholic", but to me, it's someone for whom drinking causes problems. And your problems sound pretty severe.

I would also suggest counseling and getting sober. Don't drink at all for three months and see how you feel.

Welcome to the family!

Anna

Hi Lexii, I responded to your thread in the Women's forum, but I wanted to add that I truly hope you stop drinking and I hope you learn to love yourself and take care of yourself.

SoberinSyracuse

Hi, Lexi. That's a short version of my name, too! Good advice above about how to deal with the rape, so I'll restrict my comments to alcohol.

Whether or not you're an alcoholic, the fact is that intoxication makes us vulnerable. If you drink in the future, it's extremely important to use good, mature, common sense about when, where, and with whom.

Bars, college parties, and scenes of drunken revelry (mardi gras, St. Patty's Day, Halloween, New Year's Eve) are all high-risk situations. It's best not to drink at all at these gatherings, if you even decide to go. Keep in mind that one or more drunken men can rape a sober woman just as easily as a drunk one.

I wish your story were unique, but the connection between alcohol and rape is a strong one. Please start taking very good care of yourself, in how and when you choose to use alcohol.

Keep in mind that in a drunk environment, there are no reliable friends or bodyguards, so choose wisely whether or not to attend. A good litmus test is this: Would you send your baby sister there? If you wouldn't, consider not going yourself.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Lexii!!

Dee74

Hi and welcome Lexi - there's been some really great advice here.

What happened to you was horrific and I'm really sorry.
I hope you'll follow up on some of the link and suggestions posted here

D