I really can't live at home anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
I really can't live at home anymore
So I've been out of my own home for a week as there's been no heating or water. Not been great having to jump between my dads house, boyfriends house and a good friend's but finally it's fixed so I come home to my mother drunk, obviously.
Make her a cup of tea and try to get some sort of catch up with her and ask how she is. I explain how I've just submitted some crucial college work today blah blah blah, to which her reply was "oh well not like it matters anyway, I don't even know who you are anymore. The way you treat me... I never see you, you've made me depressed... Get out! GET OUT!!" Slowly but surely getting more aggressive in her tone, I left and ran upstairs where I'm now in bed howling in tears. Running out of options, I'm at the end of my tether living here but I have nowhere to go and no money for my own place, I've looked at social housing but I can't even afford that due to working part time and being a full time student.
And yes I'm aware my first mistake was talking to her drunk but usually she does the "sober act" thing where she tries to make conversation which lasts a few awkward minutes then we both part ways. I thought it would just be like that but recently she's been so unpredictable and now I'm getting more scared.
She's sick and needs help but doesn't want any. When offered she turns it down, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't live with anyone else (my dad/boyfriend/friend) and can just about afford my train ticket to college never mind moving out.
Make her a cup of tea and try to get some sort of catch up with her and ask how she is. I explain how I've just submitted some crucial college work today blah blah blah, to which her reply was "oh well not like it matters anyway, I don't even know who you are anymore. The way you treat me... I never see you, you've made me depressed... Get out! GET OUT!!" Slowly but surely getting more aggressive in her tone, I left and ran upstairs where I'm now in bed howling in tears. Running out of options, I'm at the end of my tether living here but I have nowhere to go and no money for my own place, I've looked at social housing but I can't even afford that due to working part time and being a full time student.
And yes I'm aware my first mistake was talking to her drunk but usually she does the "sober act" thing where she tries to make conversation which lasts a few awkward minutes then we both part ways. I thought it would just be like that but recently she's been so unpredictable and now I'm getting more scared.
She's sick and needs help but doesn't want any. When offered she turns it down, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't live with anyone else (my dad/boyfriend/friend) and can just about afford my train ticket to college never mind moving out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Try not to blame yourself for your attempt at holding a conversation with your mom - sober or not. That is your mom. We need no other explanation as to why you would want to speak with her. As you likely know, her recovery is up to her. If she doesn't want it, you unfortunately cannot sway her. When she is ready, she will make it happen.
As for your living situation - are there any grants/financial aid available to help you get into campus housing? I do believe too that some colleges offer discounted housing for students who work on campus. If not, how about looking into renting a room out of a home? I know where I live there are postings all the time of people looking for a third or fourth roommate to fill a room. Cost is usually very inexpensive. Do you have any friends or relatives out of town who you could stay with? Perhaps look into transferring your courses to a college where there are people you could stay with? Another thought would be to reach out to local churches regarding your situation. They may be able to pay a month's rent or two so you are able to save money to take care of it after that. Thinking outside the box here, maybe you could look into getting a second part time job such as babysitting? I babysat a good bit while I was in school. I had time after the kids went to sleep for the night to study/get homework done.
Hope this helps somewhat with ideas. I am wishing you the best! You are not alone in your pain and angst. I promise you that.
Stay focused on your progress. You're doing great things for your life and your future.
As for your living situation - are there any grants/financial aid available to help you get into campus housing? I do believe too that some colleges offer discounted housing for students who work on campus. If not, how about looking into renting a room out of a home? I know where I live there are postings all the time of people looking for a third or fourth roommate to fill a room. Cost is usually very inexpensive. Do you have any friends or relatives out of town who you could stay with? Perhaps look into transferring your courses to a college where there are people you could stay with? Another thought would be to reach out to local churches regarding your situation. They may be able to pay a month's rent or two so you are able to save money to take care of it after that. Thinking outside the box here, maybe you could look into getting a second part time job such as babysitting? I babysat a good bit while I was in school. I had time after the kids went to sleep for the night to study/get homework done.
Hope this helps somewhat with ideas. I am wishing you the best! You are not alone in your pain and angst. I promise you that.
Stay focused on your progress. You're doing great things for your life and your future.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello justlike4, and pleased to "meet" you 
Oh I would not call that a mistake. It's the _normal_ thing people do when they have a _normal_ parent. I would call it a waste of time, but not a mistake.
Well, I think there are several things you can do. The first is to find out what your options are. You said you have looked into social housing and that won't work so we can ignore that option.
Have you looked into meetings of al-anon? The reason I suggest those, besides the emotional support they can provide, is that the women at those meetings are usually very experienced in _all_ the resources that are available in addition to social housing.
In other posts you have mentioned that your Mom will be seeing a doctor for disulfiram pills. As her child, and with your concern for her safety, you can see that doctor and ask _them_ for advice as to what _your_ options are. In fact, you can see _any_ doctor that specializes in addiction for advice.
I don't know how long it will take for you to get an apointment. However, it sounds to me like your mom is starting to become a danger to herself and this is becoming a health emergency. Drunk in the bathtub with a laptop? That is very much a danger to herself. That might get you to the front of the line.
While speaking of danger, a laptop in the bathtub is a danger to _you_. That should get you to the front of the line if you visit a social worker.
I don't know what other services are available to you, but the above are a place to start.
Here in the USA that would get you an inteview with a social worker immediately.
You are also most welcome to post on the family forums "next door". We have a lot of member from your country and they can give you specific suggestions.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Originally Posted by justlike4 
... And yes I'm aware my first mistake was talking to her drunk ...
Originally Posted by justlike4
... I don't really know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't live with anyone else...
Have you looked into meetings of al-anon? The reason I suggest those, besides the emotional support they can provide, is that the women at those meetings are usually very experienced in _all_ the resources that are available in addition to social housing.
In other posts you have mentioned that your Mom will be seeing a doctor for disulfiram pills. As her child, and with your concern for her safety, you can see that doctor and ask _them_ for advice as to what _your_ options are. In fact, you can see _any_ doctor that specializes in addiction for advice.
I don't know how long it will take for you to get an apointment. However, it sounds to me like your mom is starting to become a danger to herself and this is becoming a health emergency. Drunk in the bathtub with a laptop? That is very much a danger to herself. That might get you to the front of the line.
While speaking of danger, a laptop in the bathtub is a danger to _you_. That should get you to the front of the line if you visit a social worker.
I don't know what other services are available to you, but the above are a place to start.
Originally Posted by justlike4
... I've been out of my own home for a week as there's been no heating or water....
You are also most welcome to post on the family forums "next door". We have a lot of member from your country and they can give you specific suggestions.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
You have so much on your shoulders right now. 
Can you go into survival mode at home and just totally ignore your mom? All of us here can tell you, attempts at conversation - no matter how much alcohol is in her system at any given moment of the day - is basically useless at this point. You'd be better off pretty much wearing headphones or earplugs any time you're within ear shot of her for as long as you have to cohabitate. This is about you keeping your sanity.
We enable the addict's behavior and continued addiction every time we do anything that assists them in continuing the way they are and/or assists them in continuing to effect your life the way they are. Cutting off the flow of the dynamic as much as possible, as quickly as possible, is one of the best things you can do for both of you. "I won't participate in your self-destruction; I won't let your self-destruction destroy my efforts at starting my life."
The money thing is REAL. I have like $300 in the bank and no income. I FEEL YOU. Is there a friend's couch you can stay on - is there a loan you can take out - is there a cheap van you can buy (maybe with the help of a well-circulated gofundme) and sleep in (I promise, one CAN make that glamorous!
Addiction may be a disease, but she doesn't have the right to ruin your life - and you absolutely have the power to advocate for yourself. Al-anon meetings are the perfect place to meet people who know what you're going through!
Can you go into survival mode at home and just totally ignore your mom? All of us here can tell you, attempts at conversation - no matter how much alcohol is in her system at any given moment of the day - is basically useless at this point. You'd be better off pretty much wearing headphones or earplugs any time you're within ear shot of her for as long as you have to cohabitate. This is about you keeping your sanity.
We enable the addict's behavior and continued addiction every time we do anything that assists them in continuing the way they are and/or assists them in continuing to effect your life the way they are. Cutting off the flow of the dynamic as much as possible, as quickly as possible, is one of the best things you can do for both of you. "I won't participate in your self-destruction; I won't let your self-destruction destroy my efforts at starting my life."
The money thing is REAL. I have like $300 in the bank and no income. I FEEL YOU. Is there a friend's couch you can stay on - is there a loan you can take out - is there a cheap van you can buy (maybe with the help of a well-circulated gofundme) and sleep in (I promise, one CAN make that glamorous!
Addiction may be a disease, but she doesn't have the right to ruin your life - and you absolutely have the power to advocate for yourself. Al-anon meetings are the perfect place to meet people who know what you're going through!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Hello there,
Unfortunately where I live it costs roughly the same amount to live on campus as having my own place, it's really expensive.
Thank you for your suggestions, you've given me more options to look at. I'm going to look into the roommate thing I hadn't even thought of that!
Unfortunately where I live it costs roughly the same amount to live on campus as having my own place, it's really expensive.
Thank you for your suggestions, you've given me more options to look at. I'm going to look into the roommate thing I hadn't even thought of that!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Hi mike!
When we took her to the doctors they never gave her the pills as I expected, they referred her to therapy which she was told to phone but didn't. She just doesn't want the help or to get better.
As for my living circumstances, I'm still looking into my options but I'm really going to try and make it happen, I've been thinking about alanon for a while now but I'm still at that stage where in building the courage to go. I saw my doctor recently and they referred me to a therapist too, I'm holding off until I see how that goes.
Thank you for your reply!
When we took her to the doctors they never gave her the pills as I expected, they referred her to therapy which she was told to phone but didn't. She just doesn't want the help or to get better.
As for my living circumstances, I'm still looking into my options but I'm really going to try and make it happen, I've been thinking about alanon for a while now but I'm still at that stage where in building the courage to go. I saw my doctor recently and they referred me to a therapist too, I'm holding off until I see how that goes.
Thank you for your reply!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Hello!
I'm just avoiding her just now, I've been at work/college staying behind and getting extra work done for my classes late night to keep me out of the house. My friends been having a hard time recently so I've also been helping her which has helped me get out too.
I don't particularly like being out so long it feels like I don't really have a home anymore, at night when I come back my mums drunk so I just keep out her way and go to my room. It's been so bad the past 3 weeks or so but I'm not going down with the sinking ship!
I'm going to look into sharing a place with someone hopefully I can save some cash and can manage it.
Thank you for your reply!
I'm just avoiding her just now, I've been at work/college staying behind and getting extra work done for my classes late night to keep me out of the house. My friends been having a hard time recently so I've also been helping her which has helped me get out too.
I don't particularly like being out so long it feels like I don't really have a home anymore, at night when I come back my mums drunk so I just keep out her way and go to my room. It's been so bad the past 3 weeks or so but I'm not going down with the sinking ship!
I'm going to look into sharing a place with someone hopefully I can save some cash and can manage it.
Thank you for your reply!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
You don't have a home anymore. You have a harassment pit. Continue looking into roommates. I never had a "home". I had a torture chamber. But whether it is physical or emotional one can't live in it forever. It changes who you are.
Roommates are not perfect and there will be circumstances you will have to grin and bear there as well. But this is short term, 4 years while you are in school. Can you add lodging to your college loans? My daughter did. Look into that option.
And please help yourself by trying Alanon or other such venues. It's funny that we can see that "she", your mom, is not helping herself and doesn't want to get better. This is a learned helplessness that has soaked into you by growing up with it. You can help yourself. Yes it will be hard, but you can do it. We are here for you.
Roommates are not perfect and there will be circumstances you will have to grin and bear there as well. But this is short term, 4 years while you are in school. Can you add lodging to your college loans? My daughter did. Look into that option.
And please help yourself by trying Alanon or other such venues. It's funny that we can see that "she", your mom, is not helping herself and doesn't want to get better. This is a learned helplessness that has soaked into you by growing up with it. You can help yourself. Yes it will be hard, but you can do it. We are here for you.
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