ROC1965

...the reasons behind my husband's behaviour towards me - "dry drunk", and this knowledge subsequently led me to Al Anon UK.

That was a little over 2 years ago, and we were doing soooo well. He started back to his meetings after admitting he hadn't been for 8 years. He celebrated 20 years sober last September and I am so proud of that!! I found Al Anon and became so much better in myself... greater understanding of myself and my attitude.

Sadly, we are back to where we were in Nov/Dec 2014 and my husband has told me he cannot love someone who doesn't love themselves, he feels he is carrying the burden of our relationship and that I initiate no physical/sexual intimacy and that he can't live like this, so he's off.................

I am devastated at his reverting to cruel, nasty, avoidance behaviour, and how he has completely shut me out once again. He hasn't spoken to me about any of this.......... just put the shutters up and will not engage in any conversation unless by text or email.

I have admitted that I am struggling with physical intimacy because he is so distant from me emotionally. I am unable to connect with him and feel he is always keeping me at a distance and not allowing me in to feel that closeness that a relationship needs. I feel I have made great strides in my own recovery, except to the point that I need to feel his love and caring to feel safe and secure in our marriage.............. I think I'm co-dependant, no, I am co-dependant!

I'm just trying to make sense of it all.............. yet again. Is the best thing to let him go, detach with love, let him find his own way and happiness. I feel that anything I may attempt to do to help and understand his pain (if it is that - he maybe just plain doesn't want me) is futile as I cannot get near him................ we are still in the same house, living like lodgers who don't get on!!

I've read and read and read to get some clarity to this situation and am wondering if he is replacing sex for the booze! Our sex life can be cold, unfeeling and functional!!

Any ideas?

ROC

biminiblue

How about marriage counselling? If he's sober, it could help. You both have a lot of issues to work through. If you want to stay with him, something has to give.

Soberwolf

Welcome Roc1975 its nice to meet you I second bims post about marriage counseling or mediation

Sorry for your recent troubles x

ROC1965

Thanks you!! I really appreciate your replies!
We did try counseling with Relate (UK) but the counsellor we saw was so judgemental of the alcoholism ever after being sober 18 yes at that stage, that it blew a massive hole in our tentative steps at getting back together....
We did find someone else and it helped for a while....

I've just come home from having had our first talk in 2 weeks and he says that he's 90% had enough and has given up...... but didn't say what the 10% was about..... He thinks we're basically incompatible because we have different wants/needs that the other isn't fulfilling...

Marriage guidance would help even if to bring the marriage to an end in a way we can both walk away reasonably intact...

My head is shredded right now...

AnvilheadII

i'm not sure if after 20+ years of continuous sobriety that you can classify their behavior as "dry drunk" - i think by that time, it's just ......THEM.
maybe your husband just isn't a really NICE guy, or at least not a super touchy-feely-let-me-tell-you-what's-on-my-mind kind of guy?
or he could truly feel like the marriage has just run it's course.
or he could have something going on with somebody else.

since you don't mention being in any danger, i'd suggest keep up with your alanon meetings, and continue to ask for guidance and clarity.

hopeful4

Keep looking for a counselor who can actually help. If you don't like one, try another. I know it's hard to dredge up all that stuff, but until you address the needs and wants of both of you, and why you both feel this way, it won't get better. Sometimes it takes a counselor to mediate that.

Hugs to you. I am glad you are here.