Voglereh

I am new here - am a family member of an alcoholic who is currently dying and choosing to drink rather than save his own life. He is in total denial at this point. We are no longer together and are working on a divorce, more so for my own preservation and that of our children. However I have recently gotten the news that his liver has quit and without a transplant he will not make it. I know all about the requirements to even be placed on the list, and have been battling this with him for over 15 years. He has lost everything, 2 marriages, 2 children, numerous jobs, and nearly all of his personal possessions(which seem to be the only other thing than drinking that matters to him) and he still won't stop. How do I explain this to our children or do I? How do I recover from the years of craziness and get back to some sense of normalcy? How can I help him now that he is back living with his parents who enable his self destructive behavior? Or do I just turn my back? I left him because I couldn't take that life anymore, but yet I struggle with "giving up" on him and us.
He's been through so many rehabs, so many programs and BS'd his way though them all. Where do I go from here?? How do I find myself again?

Katchie

I'm so very sorry. What a horrible thing to go through.

My exah isn't where yours is with his health and if he was, there isn't a thing I could do to help him. Its no different for anyone else with an A in their life that refuses to make changes to save their own life. Its insanity.

What do you need to have closure? What are you doing to move yourself forward? Going to Alanon? Have a sponsor?

Really, the only thing you can do is work on your own recovery and help your children. I don't know how old your children are, but whatever is age appropriate, honesty is always best. Our kids always know more than we give them credit for.

Big hugs

hopeful4

I am so sorry for what brings you here, but I do want to welcome you. This is a place of freedom to talk 24-7, with people who truly do understand what you are going through.

I second speaking to the children in an age appropriate way. Get professional help doing so if you need to. Reach out, and make sure you have a face to face support system for you and your kids.

All you can do is turn him over to God.

Many, many hugs.

Hawkeye13

My mom basically drank and smoked herself to death.
I kept trying to save her and nearly destroyed myself in the process.

He is an adult and is choosing this--nothing you have done or will do can stop
him from making his choices.
I think perhaps at this point, step back, and focus on your children and yourself.
Some therapy from an addiction / grief specialist would be very helpful
so you have a place to vent and cry outside the family circle.

It is a terrible thing to witness, and you have my deepest empathy.
I wish you and your family healing and peace.

NYCDoglvr

I can't being to imagine how painful this is. I suggest praying for him, it's really all you can do. A big hug.

redatlanta

I had an Uncle who drank himself to death. He was a gentle, quiet drunk. He would go down to his man cave every day and drink all-day-long. When he was told he had cirrhosis his drinking increased. He never, ever stopped, or tried to. My cousins (his sons) were older than I am guessing your kids are. They of course knew, and perhaps they had been to Al Anon or something I am unsure. If it were my kids and they were young I think I would just say he is sick/not doing well. If they are old enough to understand and handle it i would probably tell them the truth as they most likely know already.

You can't really help him. To me this is a slow suicide. If you have contact with him that is civil I would just be supportive and kind and not invest ANYTHING else into it. Its so baffling why someone jumps down the rabbit hole. There are people whom have no bottom, there are people who will choose to die rather than get sober. It sounds like you haven't accepted fully that you didn't CAUSE this, and you can't STOP it. I can only imagine how much effort you have put toward is sobriety. Prayer is a beautiful thing - you can pray for him whenever you feel like.

I think Al Anon would do you a world of good. I encourage you to stay on SR and post frequently. Many have been in your situation, and there is a way to crawl out of hole and get back to "normal".