cocaine and porn. wtf am i doing...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: denver, co
Posts: 1
cocaine and porn. wtf am i doing...
just starting to sober up from a 3 day $1k cocaine and porn bender (the porn was free). the longest i've gone in years is a week and a half. its such a waste of money and my life and relationships.
i need help. not really sure how i wound up like this. ughhhhh
this post is literally my first step. i've never admitted the porn.. no one knows how bad it has been over the last couple years. my friends know i do coke "occasionally". I have multiple dealers so no one can recognize what im doing. I never thought in a million years this is what my life would become consumed by.
honestly, if i was completely sober right now, i would never be sharing any of this. silver lining? who knows.
NA tomorrow might have to be my next step - if i follow thru. .i iget depressed and feel guilty afterwards.. but that feeling goes away before i end up trying to do anything about it. my life is literally bender > feel like **** for a day or 2 > repeat.
Any suggestions?
maybe ill get a gym membership and try to start working out again.
i need help. not really sure how i wound up like this. ughhhhh
this post is literally my first step. i've never admitted the porn.. no one knows how bad it has been over the last couple years. my friends know i do coke "occasionally". I have multiple dealers so no one can recognize what im doing. I never thought in a million years this is what my life would become consumed by.
honestly, if i was completely sober right now, i would never be sharing any of this. silver lining? who knows.
NA tomorrow might have to be my next step - if i follow thru. .i iget depressed and feel guilty afterwards.. but that feeling goes away before i end up trying to do anything about it. my life is literally bender > feel like **** for a day or 2 > repeat.
Any suggestions?
maybe ill get a gym membership and try to start working out again.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
I don't want to say too much because my addiction was alcohol, not coke or porn. So I'm sure there are both similarities and differences.
Surely this part is a similarity: Our lives and worlds get awfully small when we live with addiction It's a prison with a tiny cell and hardly any yard time. Addicted life sucks and the only solution is to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes to beat it.
Here's what I can offer from my own personal experience, and reading hundreds upon hundreds of threads here: Half-a$$ed attempts don't cut it. You have to go all in and be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. Those are the people who win.
So if you want to get clear of this, suit up and go in with the determination of a Navy Seal. If you do that, you will win.
Surely this part is a similarity: Our lives and worlds get awfully small when we live with addiction It's a prison with a tiny cell and hardly any yard time. Addicted life sucks and the only solution is to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes to beat it.
Here's what I can offer from my own personal experience, and reading hundreds upon hundreds of threads here: Half-a$$ed attempts don't cut it. You have to go all in and be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. Those are the people who win.
So if you want to get clear of this, suit up and go in with the determination of a Navy Seal. If you do that, you will win.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Dallas Texas
Posts: 579
My drug of choice is beer but all addictions are similar. Lookup NA and drive by the place, if someone is there go talk to them. If not then you will know the route. Summon what courage/fear you have and go to the next meeting. Force yourself. You have to make the effort NOW not tomorrow. I put off quitting doing about my drinking a day or two, then I'd feel better and drink again. I go to jail on the weekends but finally decided to stop drinking-you'd be suprized the things that have a "silver lining"
Sober is right. I quit many times over 30 years. The last time has stuck. I was desperate and will to do anything. I drove myself to AA and walked in, not an easy thing for me.
Sober is right. I quit many times over 30 years. The last time has stuck. I was desperate and will to do anything. I drove myself to AA and walked in, not an easy thing for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
It sounds like you have two addictions that are intimately linked with each-other. And it sounds like you feel a need to break the pattern now. I always find it so unfortunate that excessive use of porn and other forms of sexual indulgence is still such a taboo even in recovery communities as I think these things can cause just as much problems to people as substance use, yet there is an even stronger stigma on it. Great that you were able to bring it up here.
I'm thinking, perhaps one helpful move would be trying to figure out which of your vices (cocaine or porn) were/are primary in this complex. I think that often when we have multiple addictions, there is a hierarchy between them, either in that one came first or that one behavior tends to be a primary interest/temptation and triggers the other in the moment so they become intertwined. Also, some of us just have a kind of personality that's generally prone to obsessions and excess with many things that interest and please us (I consider myself such a person) and then we tend to develop multiple issues or trade one with another in a sequence. I experienced this throughout my life and like you, I tended to hide even the more "benign" forms of it. The most damaging vice for me was alcohol, but I had an eating disorder when younger also, working excessively, a very addictive relationship that developed alongside my alcohol abuse, and a powerful fantasy world that I tend to use to alter my reality or project my imagination on the real world things such that it isolates me from life. What I've found very helpful in my recovery work after giving up alcohol was to get into the source of all this deeply with introspection and using external feedback and help. But alcohol (that was the elephant in the room for me that had made everything unmanageable) had to go first. And even before I got sober, I moved on from that relationship I mentioned above -- I found breaking that even more difficult in the past than getting sober. After these two were no longer active, I found working on myself and the deeper issues much more effective and productive.
So, do you have a feeling if one of these two things is an older, more primary driving force for you? If so, perhaps give that one a focus in your recovery work while also addressing the other. Starting to work out sounds like a good idea also as I believe it is compatible with the need and type of satisfaction coke or porn can provide, i.e. a rush and powerful feelings in the moment.
Welcome to SR
I'm thinking, perhaps one helpful move would be trying to figure out which of your vices (cocaine or porn) were/are primary in this complex. I think that often when we have multiple addictions, there is a hierarchy between them, either in that one came first or that one behavior tends to be a primary interest/temptation and triggers the other in the moment so they become intertwined. Also, some of us just have a kind of personality that's generally prone to obsessions and excess with many things that interest and please us (I consider myself such a person) and then we tend to develop multiple issues or trade one with another in a sequence. I experienced this throughout my life and like you, I tended to hide even the more "benign" forms of it. The most damaging vice for me was alcohol, but I had an eating disorder when younger also, working excessively, a very addictive relationship that developed alongside my alcohol abuse, and a powerful fantasy world that I tend to use to alter my reality or project my imagination on the real world things such that it isolates me from life. What I've found very helpful in my recovery work after giving up alcohol was to get into the source of all this deeply with introspection and using external feedback and help. But alcohol (that was the elephant in the room for me that had made everything unmanageable) had to go first. And even before I got sober, I moved on from that relationship I mentioned above -- I found breaking that even more difficult in the past than getting sober. After these two were no longer active, I found working on myself and the deeper issues much more effective and productive.
So, do you have a feeling if one of these two things is an older, more primary driving force for you? If so, perhaps give that one a focus in your recovery work while also addressing the other. Starting to work out sounds like a good idea also as I believe it is compatible with the need and type of satisfaction coke or porn can provide, i.e. a rush and powerful feelings in the moment.
Welcome to SR
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Originally Posted by helpmyself5678 
just starting to sober up from a 3 day $1k cocaine and porn bender (the porn was free). the longest i've gone in years is a week and a half. its such a waste of money and my life and relationships.
i need help. not really sure how i wound up like this. ughhhhh
this post is literally my first step. i've never admitted the porn.. no one knows how bad it has been over the last couple years. my friends know i do coke "occasionally". I have multiple dealers so no one can recognize what im doing. I never thought in a million years this is what my life would become consumed by.
honestly, if i was completely sober right now, i would never be sharing any of this. silver lining? who knows.
NA tomorrow might have to be my next step - if i follow thru. .i iget depressed and feel guilty afterwards.. but that feeling goes away before i end up trying to do anything about it. my life is literally bender > feel like **** for a day or 2 > repeat.
Any suggestions?
maybe ill get a gym membership and try to start working out again.
i need help. not really sure how i wound up like this. ughhhhh
this post is literally my first step. i've never admitted the porn.. no one knows how bad it has been over the last couple years. my friends know i do coke "occasionally". I have multiple dealers so no one can recognize what im doing. I never thought in a million years this is what my life would become consumed by.
honestly, if i was completely sober right now, i would never be sharing any of this. silver lining? who knows.
NA tomorrow might have to be my next step - if i follow thru. .i iget depressed and feel guilty afterwards.. but that feeling goes away before i end up trying to do anything about it. my life is literally bender > feel like **** for a day or 2 > repeat.
Any suggestions?
maybe ill get a gym membership and try to start working out again.
I was where you were at. A 1K weekend was not uncommon. Quite easy to do actually. Endless porn or visitors. I was deep in it. Doing Coke on a random Tuesday was a huge clue this was not getting better.
Let me be honest. If your plan to get better rests on a gym membership then I want you to keep ready everything you can here on SR. It's hit or miss with finding others with a Coke issue but we are here. Moreover we are here and have stopped with the help of SR. YOU CAN TOO!
A plan means getting ride of dealers phone numbers. Changing your own phone number/ telling at least one person, in person, what you are facing. Get a therapist if you can. Go to AA over NA as NA gets a lot of side dealers and that's not helpful. See a doctors help if detox is too much. Post where every day and many times a day as you gain strength.
Ken here. Be glad to converse if you need advice. You can quite coke.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
hey....
kudos to you for owning up and recognizing the problem.... that's a big first step and gets you a start.
My biggest struggle in addictive life has been alcohol. But, I had a good 2 year run with coke myself and it was a fast and slippery slope. I've admittedly had my share of addictive behavior with pornography at certain stages of life as well. It never really got its hooks into me the way alcohol or cocaine did.... but I can see how it can and would. Also, there's a direct relationship, in my experience, between the drug and the sexual outlet-seeking.
I didn't personally use NA or any sort of counseling to get away from it. In my case I could see where coke was heading and then I ran headlong into catastrophic life events with divorce and a change was kind of forced on me. I looked at what was going on in my life and realized - crap - I have to change this.... in my case, I also wound up moving away (to another country where it turned out coke was very difficult to obtain even if you wanted it). So, I had some help in that regard.... and my addictions turned to alcohol for the long slide.
In any case, my suggestion is that if you really see this problem and you really want to change your life for the better - then start taking action. Delete ALL of your dealers' contact info. In fact, get a new phone number yourself. They will come to YOU if you don't. That's their business. Stop hanging out with people who do coke. Stop putting yourself in using positions. Find a counselor to augment your NA attendance with. Get honest about your addictions.
You will find that as you get away from the drug, and get talking and get honest and get making changes - your desire for it will diminish. It's also likely that your obsession with pornography will lessen or be alleviated by working on yourself and by getting clean and sober.
These things are causing trouble for you - and if you're like the rest of us addicted folks, it will only get worse until you choose another path and make it better.
kudos to you for owning up and recognizing the problem.... that's a big first step and gets you a start.
My biggest struggle in addictive life has been alcohol. But, I had a good 2 year run with coke myself and it was a fast and slippery slope. I've admittedly had my share of addictive behavior with pornography at certain stages of life as well. It never really got its hooks into me the way alcohol or cocaine did.... but I can see how it can and would. Also, there's a direct relationship, in my experience, between the drug and the sexual outlet-seeking.
I didn't personally use NA or any sort of counseling to get away from it. In my case I could see where coke was heading and then I ran headlong into catastrophic life events with divorce and a change was kind of forced on me. I looked at what was going on in my life and realized - crap - I have to change this.... in my case, I also wound up moving away (to another country where it turned out coke was very difficult to obtain even if you wanted it). So, I had some help in that regard.... and my addictions turned to alcohol for the long slide.
In any case, my suggestion is that if you really see this problem and you really want to change your life for the better - then start taking action. Delete ALL of your dealers' contact info. In fact, get a new phone number yourself. They will come to YOU if you don't. That's their business. Stop hanging out with people who do coke. Stop putting yourself in using positions. Find a counselor to augment your NA attendance with. Get honest about your addictions.
You will find that as you get away from the drug, and get talking and get honest and get making changes - your desire for it will diminish. It's also likely that your obsession with pornography will lessen or be alleviated by working on yourself and by getting clean and sober.
These things are causing trouble for you - and if you're like the rest of us addicted folks, it will only get worse until you choose another path and make it better.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome HelpMyself have you heard of cocaine anonymous ?
www.ca-online.org | The Online Service Area of Cocaine Anonymous
www.ca-online.org | The Online Service Area of Cocaine Anonymous
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 2
Never thought that gd point
Originally Posted by Aellyce
It sounds like you have two addictions that are intimately linked with each-other. And it sounds like you feel a need to break the pattern now. I always find it so unfortunate that excessive use of porn and other forms of sexual indulgence is still such a taboo even in recovery communities as I think these things can cause just as much problems to people as substance use, yet there is an even stronger stigma on it. Great that you were able to bring it up here.
I'm thinking, perhaps one helpful move would be trying to figure out which of your vices (cocaine or porn) were/are primary in this complex. I think that often when we have multiple addictions, there is a hierarchy between them, either in that one came first or that one behavior tends to be a primary interest/temptation and triggers the other in the moment so they become intertwined. Also, some of us just have a kind of personality that's generally prone to obsessions and excess with many things that interest and please us (I consider myself such a person) and then we tend to develop multiple issues or trade one with another in a sequence. I experienced this throughout my life and like you, I tended to hide even the more "benign" forms of it. The most damaging vice for me was alcohol, but I had an eating disorder when younger also, working excessively, a very addictive relationship that developed alongside my alcohol abuse, and a powerful fantasy world that I tend to use to alter my reality or project my imagination on the real world things such that it isolates me from life. What I've found very helpful in my recovery work after giving up alcohol was to get into the source of all this deeply with introspection and using external feedback and help. But alcohol (that was the elephant in the room for me that had made everything unmanageable) had to go first. And even before I got sober, I moved on from that relationship I mentioned above -- I found breaking that even more difficult in the past than getting sober. After these two were no longer active, I found working on myself and the deeper issues much more effective and productive.
So, do you have a feeling if one of these two things is an older, more primary driving force for you? If so, perhaps give that one a focus in your recovery work while also addressing the other. Starting to work out sounds like a good idea also as I believe it is compatible with the need and type of satisfaction coke or porn can provide, i.e. a rush and powerful feelings in the moment.
Welcome to SR
I'm thinking, perhaps one helpful move would be trying to figure out which of your vices (cocaine or porn) were/are primary in this complex. I think that often when we have multiple addictions, there is a hierarchy between them, either in that one came first or that one behavior tends to be a primary interest/temptation and triggers the other in the moment so they become intertwined. Also, some of us just have a kind of personality that's generally prone to obsessions and excess with many things that interest and please us (I consider myself such a person) and then we tend to develop multiple issues or trade one with another in a sequence. I experienced this throughout my life and like you, I tended to hide even the more "benign" forms of it. The most damaging vice for me was alcohol, but I had an eating disorder when younger also, working excessively, a very addictive relationship that developed alongside my alcohol abuse, and a powerful fantasy world that I tend to use to alter my reality or project my imagination on the real world things such that it isolates me from life. What I've found very helpful in my recovery work after giving up alcohol was to get into the source of all this deeply with introspection and using external feedback and help. But alcohol (that was the elephant in the room for me that had made everything unmanageable) had to go first. And even before I got sober, I moved on from that relationship I mentioned above -- I found breaking that even more difficult in the past than getting sober. After these two were no longer active, I found working on myself and the deeper issues much more effective and productive.
So, do you have a feeling if one of these two things is an older, more primary driving force for you? If so, perhaps give that one a focus in your recovery work while also addressing the other. Starting to work out sounds like a good idea also as I believe it is compatible with the need and type of satisfaction coke or porn can provide, i.e. a rush and powerful feelings in the moment.
Welcome to SR
Great I side tip, I do find myself doing coke n porn every weekend, I fi nbn d ot nite enjoyable tgen my marriage, but also icerstabd it is not real life, but looking to nip in but b4 ot takes over my life, and desensitized my real sex life, I do about 100 o weekend all by myself, and can not help but think if porn, lately, I dream of hotel coke n porn, diet want 2 but I'm being hi byest
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Weasel1966
Welcome Helpmyself to SR.
I was where you were at. A 1K weekend was not uncommon. Quite easy to do actually. Endless porn or visitors. I was deep in it. Doing Coke on a random Tuesday was a huge clue this was not getting better.
Let me be honest. If your plan to get better
rests on a gym membership then I want you to keep ready everything you can here on SR. It's hit or miss with finding others with a Coke issue but we are here. Moreover we are here and have stopped with the help of SR. YOU CAN TOO!
A plan means getting ride of dealers phone numbers. Changing your own phone number/ telling at least one person, in person, what you are facing. Get a therapist if you can. Go to AA over NA as NA gets a lot of side dealers and that's not helpful. See a doctors help if detox is too much. Post where every day and many times a day as you gain strength.
Ken here. Be glad to converse if you need advice. You can quite coke.
I was where you were at. A 1K weekend was not uncommon. Quite easy to do actually. Endless porn or visitors. I was deep in it. Doing Coke on a random Tuesday was a huge clue this was not getting better.
Let me be honest. If your plan to get better
rests on a gym membership then I want you to keep ready everything you can here on SR. It's hit or miss with finding others with a Coke issue but we are here. Moreover we are here and have stopped with the help of SR. YOU CAN TOO!
A plan means getting ride of dealers phone numbers. Changing your own phone number/ telling at least one person, in person, what you are facing. Get a therapist if you can. Go to AA over NA as NA gets a lot of side dealers and that's not helpful. See a doctors help if detox is too much. Post where every day and many times a day as you gain strength.
Ken here. Be glad to converse if you need advice. You can quite coke.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
Welcome Friday Blizzard,
It's good that you want to slow down your use of cocaine and porn.
This board is about abstinence, not just slowing down, so I hope that you will decide to stop your addictions and begin to recover. Take a look around and read some of our stories and I hope that you will be inspired.
It's good that you want to slow down your use of cocaine and porn.
This board is about abstinence, not just slowing down, so I hope that you will decide to stop your addictions and begin to recover. Take a look around and read some of our stories and I hope that you will be inspired.
Guest
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 56
Ken, there is no cutting down with coke. Coke is the road to ruin, you just want more and more and more. I tried so many times only getting a little and then back out I went.
Done for good. no rehab just quit. new number now.
yeah it seems to stimulate some sort of sexual response too the coke. porn wasn't my thing but looking at escort websites would lead to going to those escorts are sadly even worse banging a friend of the junkie dealer.
door has to slammed shut
Done for good. no rehab just quit. new number now.
yeah it seems to stimulate some sort of sexual response too the coke. porn wasn't my thing but looking at escort websites would lead to going to those escorts are sadly even worse banging a friend of the junkie dealer.
door has to slammed shut
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