MB8

I'm only on day 2 and I feel like I lost my best friend. His name was Budweiser. I find myself feeling very down today. Yesterday wasn't nearly as bad. Maybe it was because I was excited to finally be done. Today I think reality has set in. Tough to get anything done at work. Got keep moving forward. Thanks for listening.

JD

That feeling is very common. It's like a toxic relationship. You know it isn't good for you but you have a hard time leaving it. Change is usually not comfortable and we like to stick to what is. Even if it's not good for us.

SoberinSyracuse

This is SUCH a normal feeling. For me, I felt like I lost my beloved spouse. I even posted a heart-wrenching thread about it.

Well, trust me, this feeling passes quickly. Once you're feeling better with just a little more sober time, you won't be missing your "best friend" any more.

Ariesagain

Yeah, but Bud stole your money, kept you from sleeping, told you you were worthless, embarrassed you, and hit you between the eyes with a 2 x 4 every morning.

Some friend!

MB8

It was no doubt toxic. Problem is is I really didn't know any different after being in the relationship for 25 years, my entire adult life. Got to learn a new I guess.

Wegweiser

Hey MB8,

Good job on posting! Congrats on getting over day 1.

I was reading today a book about the neuroscience of addiction...falling in love fires up the same parts of the brain with dopamine as with addiction. So, in a sense you have lost a friend...but a friend who was bad for you!

You're getting out of an abusive relationship here. Don't come crawling back to it, cap in hand...that's how you get into the cycle of abuse.

You're doing the right thing in quitting. It get easier. The first weeks are the hardest.

Keep. On. Going.

Bird615

I think that's pretty normal; I felt like that too and even did a lot of crying about it.

But then I would think about the reality of it -- just what kind of friend it really was. All the ugly details. That friend was out to kill me.

It does get better if you can ride it out and change how you're looking at it.

Blacky

For me it was the bad of it that was predominate at the end so I just said no more.
I just had to make it through the first week or so of quitting. Oh yeah I was physically and mentally in a bad way but I gave the AV no voice. I shut that down, gritted my teeth and made it.

Having done this before I knew it would get better and it did.
Now at just 36 days I feel pretty good.

I won't let my guard down though as the AV will be back around, forever probably. I must not ever get complacent again. It has been my downfall.

So I wish you strength in staying sober. It gets better.

chrcarlson

MB8, I can't imagine going the rest of my life without BEER. So I don't, I just go one day at a time. Every morning I wake up and and say "I'm not drinking today" I say it again whenever I feel like drinking. I don't think about next year, month or even tomorrow. Just comment not to drinking Today, tomorrow will take care of it's self. It really does work.

Get help, here, AA , sober friend-if you have one. Definitely make a plan to do something else when you would normally be drinking.

tufty13

It's all very real MB8

BigSombrero (I think) posted about this some time ago and it really struck a chord.

This is where your journey may take you, you're currently grieving, the different stages of which are:

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.


5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

Nonsensical

Or you can rediscover things you gave up because your 'friend' wouldn't let you do them.

I reached way back in my memory to my youth. What did I enjoy doing then? For me it was hiking in the woods, biking, and woodworking. I do a lot more of those things now than I ever did with my Old Pal BarleyMalt.

Soberwolf

The good news for every window closed another door opens x

To help you get through the grieving process & help you in sobriety you will need help which you will find in droves here and having a plan really really helps

I'm sorry today is a toughie I remember them days but I promise you its gets better

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

PurpleKnight

For me focusing on the new friends I would make was a great thing to focus on . . . hangover free mornings, better health, more money in my pocket, more productivity at work, no more fear or regret filled mornings . . .

Let's not limit ourself just to one friend!!

least

I missed my wine at first. But after getting a few sober months and a clear head, I didn't miss it so much. The desire to drink decreases with more sober time. Also, try practicing gratitude every day.

Blacky

I need to add that when I said no more I also had in place an ongoing program and put myself in a position of having to either quit or pretty much go to jail. It was not just stopping on my own alone. That had not worked for me.

Hevyn

MB8 - I felt that way in the early days of recovery. It seemed there was nothing to look forward to. I'd been drinking for decades & was very angry and resentful. I knew I couldn't touch it again or I would die - poor me. I'd been numb for so long I didn't know any other way to be. The self pity went away as I began to come out of the fog and into my real life. It didn't take long for the rewards of staying sober to take over - it was such a relief to be free. In 8 yrs. I've never gone back to feeling like I'm missing out. You will get there, M.

chrcarlson

What about his buddy Jimmy Beam? Two of my ole drinking buddies. We busted up cars, bars and relationships. Spent nights in jail together and stayed warm worrying about jobs and court dates. Actually they weren't such good friends. The SOB's got me in a lot of trouble and always skipped out when the tab came. I got tired of paying for them.