mns1

Hey everyone.

It's me. Back again. Because I've been drinking.

I woke up this morning with a particularly horrific hangover and feel like maybe I am ready to really put deliberate effort into getting and staying sober. So let me start over.

Hi, my name is Mike, and I have a drinking problem. I suppose the term alcoholic applies to me. I only drink at night, and I only experience the urge to drink at night. I have no physical withdrawal symptoms.

In fact, last night before I poured my first drink, I mindfully examined my own thoughts and physical sensations. I could find absolutely no reason mentally or physically why I "needed" to drink. I just decided to.

Now I'm deciding to make a pact with myself. I won't say with any confidence that I won't drink this evening. But I will say that I don't plan to drink this evening. I will set a reminder on my phone to go off at the end of the day reminding me of this, of how I feel now, and how I will feel tomorrow if I choose to drink. I will stay on here and spend every free moment I get today checking in and forging my plan to end this nonsense.

I work hard on everything in my life. My physique, my diet, my job, my relationship, everything. Except sobriety. And It's my choice. I'm chosing to start working hard on that too.

And I'll need your help along the way. Great to be back.

Mike

UhZoomZip

Welcome back. I used to only drink nights too and felt fine for a long time. Now, not so much. Glad you're back on focus.

FreeOwl

'Maybe' you're ready?

You 'don't plan to' drink tonight??


Welcome..... and I wish you well.

But Im going to challenge you right up front. You sound like you're at least half willing to admit you have a problem - but your message also sounds a lot like 'but I don't want to change and I'm not going to'

Vinificent

Welcome back Mike. Nighttime was always my trigger time too. Don't get discouraged - any progress IS progress. Not to sound cliche, but take it one night at a time, and if you lapse get right back on track - don't give up on your end goal and learn from your lapses.

mns1

Hey FreeOwl,

You are right, and don't know if I'm ready. And I don't know if I want to change. All I know is right now I feel fed up with waking up like this.

I'll be able to say when the moment comes to make the decision not to drink that I'm ready and want to change. I can't confidently say that at this very moment.

Just being honest. Thanks!

JD

Hi Mike. I hope you find the strength to follow through on your current thoughts of not drinking tonight.

You say "
I work hard on everything in my life. My physique, my diet, my job, my relationship,", if you're still drinking your not working on those as hard as you could. Drinking will catch up with you and all that will suffer.

Nonsensical

That was how I drank when I was 30.

At 45 I would have to drink so much at night to get drunk that I would wake up still drunk. And thirsty. Calling in sick so I could stay home and drink, drinking at work, driving drunk, hiding the amounts I drank from others, etc. all became very common.

I wish I would have quit when I was 30.

Welcome back. Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Delilah1

Hi Mike,

I only drank in the evenings as well, and still woke up each morning to get kids off to school, go to work, and do whatever else needed to be done. However, my drinking at night consisted of way too much wine, and led to waking up feeling crappy.

I have been on and off this year and decided that January 1st of this year was a new start for me. 33 days later, I am still sober. I wish I could say I didn't have thoughts of drinking during the past month, but that would be a lie. I didn't however, give into those thoughts, I logged on here, went for a walk, played with my kids, read, cleaned, ate chocolate, tried mindfulness, I did anything except go and buy a bottle of wine, because I know me, and that would have been the beginning of a new cycle of nightly drinking.

Like you, I have been on SR for a bit, and that tells me we both want to stop. Try logging on here tonight as soon as the thought to pour that first drink enters your mind. It is. Great deterrent.

Glad you are back!
❤️Delilah

mns1

This strikes a chord with me because I turn 30 this year. And one of my biggest fears is this night drinking progressing into something worse.

Nonsensical

Then stop now. You are swallowing an addictive substance. If you aren't addicted now, you will be.



If the thought of never drinking again causes an emotional reaction in the pit of your gut that makes you want to immediately reject the idea, buckle your seatbelt. You're in for a rough ride.

mns1

Delilah that is exactly how I am. I function completely normally. I just feel like crap while I'm doing it.

I admire your effort and work ethic in not giving into your thoughts of drinking. I am going to do the same. I am going to be on here as much as possible all day today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes. Which may just be forever. But so be it.

Thanks!

SoberinSyracuse

And as you know, it does one of two things: It either stops or it progresses.

I was about where you are when I was your age. It progressed.

Happy to be 23 days sober now, with all aspects of life blowing up in ways my former "high functioning" self could never have imagined! Already, at 23 days! So give it a go!

I never had much luck with "planning not to drink." Failed/relapsed twice that way. Works way better to plan what you ARE going to do instead. So, what WILL you do tonight when that pesky little urge crops up?

mns1

The thought of never drinking again actually gives me a feeling of relief. It's actually the thought of continuing and never breaking free of this that causes a deep emotional response.

You're right though. I need to stop now. Is is day one and I'm going to give it my all.

zombob

What JD said. I too have realized that my drinking problem requires a lot of mindfulness of where my head is at all day long. Something as simple as AVRT can give me jump on the day. Also, judging from my degree of resistance to " I don't drink" can be a good marker of how far I've already advanced to planning my next drunk. Just my 2 cents.

mns1

Thanks SoberinSyracuse and zombob.

I am already implementing the advice you all have given me. I dumped my remaining alcohol and ran to the store and bought ice cream and am currently listing everything I WILL do instead of drinking when the urges start creeping up.

I am also taking an AVRT style approach and just being mindful of every thought that enters my mind today. Not judging myself or anything. Just recognizing the thoughts and coming back to the present moment.

dogslover2016

Hi Mike!

Last night I attended a 12 step meeting and one of the members said, "man I love waking up in the morning and remembering what happened the night before!"

I'm 17 days in, and I have actually started to fall in love with waking up in the morning. Hopping out of bed, making breakfast + coffee and getting an early start on work (I'm a consultant so either work from home or travel.)

Think about how good you will feel tomorrow morning. Remember when you were a little kid and you had a new box of cereal waiting for you?

Jsbodhi

Hey Mike,

I only drank in the evening or at night too, and not even every night, probably 2-3 nights a week.
But it was still enough to ruin my life!

FreeOwl

Words carry meaning, intent.....

Intent creates reality....

We have choice over our words.

Even the subtle shifts in our wording can create great changes in our intent and outcomes.

I'd encourage you to eliminate "maybe" and "try" and "I don't know" from your recovery vocabulary and focus as much as you can on words with strong and positive INTENT.

Even when we don't feel confident, we can choose to say "I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY!!".

Even with our doubts, we can say "Despite my doubts and fears, I CHOOSE SOBRIETY!!!!".

Even when we fear we may fail, we can put out the intent clearly "I do not want to feel like this anymore and TODAY I choose CHANGE..... TODAY I live my life for the better.... TODAY I choose sobriety and gratitude and presence".

These words leave less room for the choice to say "screw it.... maybe tomorrow". These sort of words, even if we DO fear failure.... give us a better chance of making real change.

"One of these days I should really quit...."

"TODAY I will honor my choice of sobriety"

Which feels better?

Soberwolf

Hi Mike really good to see you sorry about your recent struggles I just want you to know if you ever need to chat or speak to a friend you can drop me a msg anytime il always have a lot of time for you and I have faith in your recovery

In this together

Here are some links to read over

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

mns1

Dogslover I do miss those days of waking up and making a delicious bowl of sugary goodness without a care in the world! Maybe I'll throw that back into my morning routine.

FreeOwl excellent point. I suppose I am afraid to fail (which isn't like me at all) because in the past I've made those proclamations only to ultimately come up short. But I like what you said. Despite those doubts and fears, I will CHOOSE sobriety. It feels a lot better!

Thanks so much soberwolf!

Thanks everyone!