New here, married to an alcoholic
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
New here, married to an alcoholic
I guess I can't deny it any longer for he certainly doesn't. My husband is an alcoholic (and acts like he's proud of it). We've been together for six years and just got married this past year. I always knew he drank a lot but it has become a major problem recently. He grew up in a bar and had a rough childhood, and had a few drunk drivings on his record-none of which has slowed down his drinking. I drank a lot myself when I was younger but don't nearly as much anymore--we have two small kids to take care of and I really want to set a good example for them.
He lost several people who were important to him in the past year and this has escalated his drinking drastically. He will have one bad day at work and will go to the bar right after work and home come with a 12 pack which he will drink most of (like tonight). This has been happening at least three times per week for the past few months now. He doesn't want to talk about his loss, he just wants to drink. I hate it when he drinks around our kids. It scares me when he tries to "play" with them and I always intervene. He gets angry a lot when he drinks, and sometimes breaks things.
Any time I tell him I am tired of his drinking, he will either say that he is going to cut down (and never does) or he says he doesn't drink as much as so 'n so (a friend or coworker). I don't really know why I came here. Maybe just to complain. I highly doubt he will ever want to stop or even cut down drinking. It just makes me sad when my son says "I only love you mommy, not daddy".
He lost several people who were important to him in the past year and this has escalated his drinking drastically. He will have one bad day at work and will go to the bar right after work and home come with a 12 pack which he will drink most of (like tonight). This has been happening at least three times per week for the past few months now. He doesn't want to talk about his loss, he just wants to drink. I hate it when he drinks around our kids. It scares me when he tries to "play" with them and I always intervene. He gets angry a lot when he drinks, and sometimes breaks things.
Any time I tell him I am tired of his drinking, he will either say that he is going to cut down (and never does) or he says he doesn't drink as much as so 'n so (a friend or coworker). I don't really know why I came here. Maybe just to complain. I highly doubt he will ever want to stop or even cut down drinking. It just makes me sad when my son says "I only love you mommy, not daddy".
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Welcome Kelly. I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time at home. I have been there and know what it feels like to walk on eggshells around your significant other. I, too have been with my ABF for six years, and he was a heavy drinker the whole time, with his drinking escalating over the years. It was hard for me to admit to myself that he was an alcoholic, even though he had told me he had suspected that he was an alcoholic about a year into our relationship. My denial was stronger than his, I guess. Once I admitted he was sick, however, there was no turning back. I started educating myself on alcoholism and what it does to those who love them. It's an eye opener, for sure. The first book I read was "Codependent No More". I cried through most of it cause I reckognized alot of myself..... not all, but enough to know I was onto something. I've also started hoing to Alanon meetings. It is comforting to be around others who know how you feel and what you've been through. I have just started this journey too, so I know how desperate you probably feel to find solutions. Just know that there are lots of us out there willing to help you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Welcome to SR, Kelly. Nope, it doesn't sound like your husband has the slightest interest in stopping his drinking. And as you're finding out, you can't make him. I surely understand why you'd want to complain!
What you CAN do is make life better for yourself and for your kids--all of you deserve better than this, don't you think? And the kids have no say in it, so they rely on you to look out for them.
A good start for you would be to read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way in helping to stop the craziness. This might be a good thread for you to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I've also found Alanon to be a great source of information and face-to-face support. Alanon and SR together have helped me a lot.
You are NOT doomed to life w/an irresponsible and violent alcoholic. There is help for you and brighter days ahead. Coming here is an excellent first step in getting to a better place.
What you CAN do is make life better for yourself and for your kids--all of you deserve better than this, don't you think? And the kids have no say in it, so they rely on you to look out for them.
A good start for you would be to read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way in helping to stop the craziness. This might be a good thread for you to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I've also found Alanon to be a great source of information and face-to-face support. Alanon and SR together have helped me a lot.
You are NOT doomed to life w/an irresponsible and violent alcoholic. There is help for you and brighter days ahead. Coming here is an excellent first step in getting to a better place.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you. I have been reading a lot of information and it has been helpful. Someone posted an article about excuses alcoholics make and I couldn't believe how many of them my husband makes! Especially "you knew this when you married me", "I'm not nearly as bad as other people" and "This is the thanks I get".
My husband thinks he is entitled to have "a few" drinks after a rough day at work and I just "don't get it" because I stay home with the kids. It used to be 3 or 4 beers to "calm himself" after a tough day and getting really drunk once a week. Now it's going out to the bar several days per week, and/or bringing home 12 or 18 packs of beer that disappear immediately. He drinks more days per week (about 5 or even 6) than not.
Any time he does something ridiculous on account of his drinking, he and his drinking buddies laugh it off like it's no big deal. (He broke his ribs one year by falling down, and another time broke his hand by slamming it on a table). I know some alcoholics are ashamed to admit their problem and they try to hide it, but now that I sit here and think about it, my husband really is proud of it because "that's the way he was raised".
Right now I feel sort of stuck. Like I said, it makes me sad that the kids have to be exposed to this. They might not quite understand it now but they will soon enough. I don't really have any friends or family I can talk to about it (they know my husband drinks but not how much or often). I'm not comfortable with the idea of al-anon (yet anyway) because I don't know how I would do meeting and talking with a group of people face to face on account of my anxiety/depression. I'm going to continue reading the information on here for now and try to figure out what to do next.
My husband thinks he is entitled to have "a few" drinks after a rough day at work and I just "don't get it" because I stay home with the kids. It used to be 3 or 4 beers to "calm himself" after a tough day and getting really drunk once a week. Now it's going out to the bar several days per week, and/or bringing home 12 or 18 packs of beer that disappear immediately. He drinks more days per week (about 5 or even 6) than not.
Any time he does something ridiculous on account of his drinking, he and his drinking buddies laugh it off like it's no big deal. (He broke his ribs one year by falling down, and another time broke his hand by slamming it on a table). I know some alcoholics are ashamed to admit their problem and they try to hide it, but now that I sit here and think about it, my husband really is proud of it because "that's the way he was raised".
Right now I feel sort of stuck. Like I said, it makes me sad that the kids have to be exposed to this. They might not quite understand it now but they will soon enough. I don't really have any friends or family I can talk to about it (they know my husband drinks but not how much or often). I'm not comfortable with the idea of al-anon (yet anyway) because I don't know how I would do meeting and talking with a group of people face to face on account of my anxiety/depression. I'm going to continue reading the information on here for now and try to figure out what to do next.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Your world sounds similar to mine...which also sounds like he isn't anywhere near interested in sobriety and you need to take care of you and your kids. Reading and learning about alcoholism is so helpful - it made some of the craziness line up in my head. Also some type of support group - 12 step or other has helped a lot - it gives you tools to work with and just people to share with that have or are going through the same or similar stuff. Of course SR is a great resource of information and support but a real hug just does something sometimes. 
Also from a very practical standpoint you should have a plan b to get away from him with the kids should the anger turn ugly. Somewhere to stay overnight, a bag of pj's/sweats in the car for the kids, etc. I have a wagon and there is a cubby in the cargo area that I have stuff in. There is a lot of good info on SR on the subject as well with lists, etc.
After 3 trips to rehab, a trip to jail and a protective order during an 18 month period my RAH is currently sober and I am working on putting myself back together. Start focusing on yourself now and you'll be ahead of the game.
((hugs))
Also from a very practical standpoint you should have a plan b to get away from him with the kids should the anger turn ugly. Somewhere to stay overnight, a bag of pj's/sweats in the car for the kids, etc. I have a wagon and there is a cubby in the cargo area that I have stuff in. There is a lot of good info on SR on the subject as well with lists, etc.
After 3 trips to rehab, a trip to jail and a protective order during an 18 month period my RAH is currently sober and I am working on putting myself back together. Start focusing on yourself now and you'll be ahead of the game.
((hugs))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. Have you ever considered that living with an alcoholic is contributing to your anxiety and depression? Just something to think about. As you regain a measure of control over your own life, my bet is that you will start feeling a little better--in all ways. Another thing--you don't have to share at a meeting unless/until you want to. It can be comforting and empowering just to be in the company of other people who totally GET what you're dealing with.
As you've already seen, children are GREATLY affected by growing up in an alcoholic home. Many people here can tell you how much they are STILL affected by it. Since you are concerned about "setting a good example" for your kids, I'd think about the example you ARE setting--that it's OK for one parent/marriage partner to drink, get angry, and behave in scary, upsetting ways.
You haven't mentioned abuse, but a lot of his behavior strikes me as quite abusive. Abuse isn't just hitting--it's throwing/breaking things, intimidating, humiliating, belittling. If you're scared by the way he behaves, you might want to call your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. They won't pressure you to do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can talk to you about safety planning so you and the kids can be safer in your own home.
As you've already seen, children are GREATLY affected by growing up in an alcoholic home. Many people here can tell you how much they are STILL affected by it. Since you are concerned about "setting a good example" for your kids, I'd think about the example you ARE setting--that it's OK for one parent/marriage partner to drink, get angry, and behave in scary, upsetting ways.
You haven't mentioned abuse, but a lot of his behavior strikes me as quite abusive. Abuse isn't just hitting--it's throwing/breaking things, intimidating, humiliating, belittling. If you're scared by the way he behaves, you might want to call your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. They won't pressure you to do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can talk to you about safety planning so you and the kids can be safer in your own home.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kelly.....
Bottom line....we can't control other people.....
In the end...he is going to do what he is going to do....the question is, always, what are you going to do.....
I agree with you that it IS sad when a small child says "I only love you , mommy, not daddy". This says that the child h as already been affected by what is going on in the home. These are the things that children carry into their own adult lives...
They also need a mother who can be her best....a mother who is struggling with her own anxiety and depression can't be all that she needs or wants to be for her children.
This is talked about sooo much in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum, here.....
Maybe, it would help you to read some of the threads on that forum, also....
I am concerned about your anxiety and depression...(though it is understandable, considering your current situation).....
Remember, that the advice is always to put on your own oxygen mask, first, before you can help others....
I h ope that you will reach out for help, because isolation is your enemy right now. Isolation makes everything worse, for you.....
Coming here to begin to talk about it is a good first step, I think.....
dandylion
Bottom line....we can't control other people.....
In the end...he is going to do what he is going to do....the question is, always, what are you going to do.....
I agree with you that it IS sad when a small child says "I only love you , mommy, not daddy". This says that the child h as already been affected by what is going on in the home. These are the things that children carry into their own adult lives...
They also need a mother who can be her best....a mother who is struggling with her own anxiety and depression can't be all that she needs or wants to be for her children.
This is talked about sooo much in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum, here.....
Maybe, it would help you to read some of the threads on that forum, also....
I am concerned about your anxiety and depression...(though it is understandable, considering your current situation).....
Remember, that the advice is always to put on your own oxygen mask, first, before you can help others....
I h ope that you will reach out for help, because isolation is your enemy right now. Isolation makes everything worse, for you.....
Coming here to begin to talk about it is a good first step, I think.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Im glad you are here... Im so sorry for what you and your kids are experiencing... I was there too several years ago. One of the things that makes me happy each day that I finally left my XAH, is seeing the relief in my kids... Kids living with the alcoholic dance of dysfunction are definitely harmed... I wish I had left sooner.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3
Don't let this consume you
Hi there -
Having been married to an alcoholic for 20 years now, 15 of which I spent trying to save him, the best advise I can give you is focus on you and your children, there is help for you. My husband sounds a lot like yours, been drinking since he was 15, now 46. No plans on stopping and recently has had to start paracentesis due to liver failure. But has convinced himself that beer is OK and better than liquor.
Anyway - it's been a long road for me and our kids. And I am still finding my own way. You can't change him, you can't give him enough to make him want to change, and you can't take away enough to make him want to change either. We can't control other people behavior - hard lesson to learn!! I tried, boy did I try. The sooner you seek help for you and the kids the better. It's time, now that you have admitted this to yourself, it's time to help yourself and your children. Don't wait, the damage is already there, but it is NOT too late for you or your kids!!!
Having been married to an alcoholic for 20 years now, 15 of which I spent trying to save him, the best advise I can give you is focus on you and your children, there is help for you. My husband sounds a lot like yours, been drinking since he was 15, now 46. No plans on stopping and recently has had to start paracentesis due to liver failure. But has convinced himself that beer is OK and better than liquor.
Anyway - it's been a long road for me and our kids. And I am still finding my own way. You can't change him, you can't give him enough to make him want to change, and you can't take away enough to make him want to change either. We can't control other people behavior - hard lesson to learn!! I tried, boy did I try. The sooner you seek help for you and the kids the better. It's time, now that you have admitted this to yourself, it's time to help yourself and your children. Don't wait, the damage is already there, but it is NOT too late for you or your kids!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Kelly, I agree w/Lexie regarding your concerns about checking into Alanon b/c of your anxiety/depression. It's kind of like saying you feel too sick to go to the doctor. Alanon is certainly not the only way, but I think if you find help of any sort, you'll be amazed how much of that anxiety and depression starts to lift. You don't need to get better before you get help, you need to get help in order to get better!
One more thing about Alanon: If you have any doubts that people there will understand, take a look at this site--scroll down to where it says "Daily Sharing from the Forum." I think this could have been written expressly for you today.
Today's Sharing - Today's Hope
Keep reading, keep posting, and never, never forget that there is a way out for you and your kids. Many folks at SR have walked that path already and are here to light your way as you begin your own travels.
One more thing about Alanon: If you have any doubts that people there will understand, take a look at this site--scroll down to where it says "Daily Sharing from the Forum." I think this could have been written expressly for you today.
Today's Sharing - Today's Hope
Keep reading, keep posting, and never, never forget that there is a way out for you and your kids. Many folks at SR have walked that path already and are here to light your way as you begin your own travels.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. You have gotten lots of good input, but I just wanted to drop in and say hello, and let you know we are here, 24-7. I am reading this, and supporting you. I can only say I truly understand your feelings, and the anxiety and depression that contributes.
Many hugs, I am so glad you are here.
Many hugs, I am so glad you are here.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Welcome! You are in the best place to find healing, support and recovery for yourself. It does sound like you have a handle on what's going on-and how it has impacted your kids. Please keep coming back here for support, reaching out to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or a therapist skilled in addiction in families. We are here for you and support you finding peace for yourself and your children-only he can figure himself out.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 7
I guess I feel weird about going to al-anon partly because I like to enjoy a drink myself once in a while. I'm assuming (after reading a lot of things on this website) that me having a few drinks now and then enables my husband to have 10 or 12 drinks some nights even if he starts drinking before me. I have one or two on occasion after the kids go to bed. Some times he will come home with an alcoholic beverage that I like and ask me to "get drunk" with him. Last night he came home with a drink for me and I asked him not to buy me those drinks anymore. I pretended to drink it but I dumped it. It wouldn't be hard for me to stop drinking completely (I've easily done it twice when I was pregnant with both kids), so that is one of the things I will do now. Today he acts like nothing happened last night and said "at least I made it to work today".
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
KK, just to be clear--regardless of what your husband says, whether or not you drink has absolutely zero impact on his decision to drink. While I agree that SOME people choose to abstain completely in an effort to be supportive of a partner who is actively working on recovery, and that THAT situation can involve support and help, even then the addict is the ONLY person responsible for his or her drinking.
If your husband uses your drinking as an excuse to drink himself, well...that's just another alcoholic quack.
Many of us here stopped drinking because the chaos of living with an addict absolutely killed any enjoyment of it for us. But those of us who stopped drinking thinking it would push our qualifiers to quit...not one of those people saw that result. There is not a single thing you can do, or not do, that will make your husband quit.
If your husband uses your drinking as an excuse to drink himself, well...that's just another alcoholic quack.
Many of us here stopped drinking because the chaos of living with an addict absolutely killed any enjoyment of it for us. But those of us who stopped drinking thinking it would push our qualifiers to quit...not one of those people saw that result. There is not a single thing you can do, or not do, that will make your husband quit.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
And also, Kelly, many newcomers are unclear about the difference between AA and Alanon. To clarify, AA is for the alcoholics themselves. Alanon is for anyone who has been affected by someone ELSE'S drinking. There is no requirement to be a nondrinker to attend Alanon.
And as Wisconsin said, YOUR drinking has absolutely nothing to do w/your husband's drinking. There is a thread going on this forum right now where people are posting about whether they drink or not. And some do, and some don't. There is no reason not to, if you aren't an alcoholic yourself and you wish to have a drink now and again.
And as Wisconsin said, YOUR drinking has absolutely nothing to do w/your husband's drinking. There is a thread going on this forum right now where people are posting about whether they drink or not. And some do, and some don't. There is no reason not to, if you aren't an alcoholic yourself and you wish to have a drink now and again.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome,
I think coming to SR and beginning to share your story is a great start for you. Education about alcoholism, alcoholic behaviors and enabling is also a great help.
Learning what MY part was in the alcoholic dance was also the beginning of my own recovery. Because it’s not just them and their drinking destroying the relationship we play our own part as well.
The more I shared and opened up here on SR the more knowledge I gained. I did make my way into al-anon and discovered I was there for ME not the alcoholic. I didn’t have to share if I didn’t want to and I came away from each meeting with something that helped me either look inward or outward without the rosey colored glass’s I found so comfortable to wear.
Glad you are here.
I think coming to SR and beginning to share your story is a great start for you. Education about alcoholism, alcoholic behaviors and enabling is also a great help.
Learning what MY part was in the alcoholic dance was also the beginning of my own recovery. Because it’s not just them and their drinking destroying the relationship we play our own part as well.
The more I shared and opened up here on SR the more knowledge I gained. I did make my way into al-anon and discovered I was there for ME not the alcoholic. I didn’t have to share if I didn’t want to and I came away from each meeting with something that helped me either look inward or outward without the rosey colored glass’s I found so comfortable to wear.
Glad you are here.
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