Letting go, new actions -- Thank you, Alanon
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Letting go, new actions -- Thank you, Alanon
I'm still awakening to my own actions, thoughts and behaviors. Thanks to the Alanon program, my sponsor and many wonderful groups, I continue to see myself and the world in new ways.
I'm gaining confidence, am happier, laugh more, crying no longer hurts or lasts as long, pain and joy can be experienced together, and life is good.
I'm finding an understanding of a Higher Power that resonates with me, with no judgement from anyone.
I'm looking more often towards solutions without needing to tear apart and examine problems. My physical therapist encourages me to look at "needle-movers" or "elegant" movements that bring the greatest results with the easiest input. I've applied that thought towards my recovery from this Family Disease of Alcoholism. I get to choose which tools I want to pick up for the day. I get to ask others what they're doing, and see it modeled for me in person. I'm calling other people in the program, making time for myself and others, doing new actions when faced with old feelings and situations. I'm saying things like, "I don't know", when I really do not have an answer, and being okay with that. "Life is sometimes disappointing. It's okay to have disappointments. We're going to be okay."
I'm beautifully, imperfectly human. My recovery program has flaws and so do I. I'm learning to embrace that.
As my family sees me actively working my program, with healthy motivations of having time for myself (vs. trying to hit them over the head with my program
), I'm sharing myself and my recovery in very important ways.
Thank you, to all here who time and again suggested Alanon, even the many times when I was unable to listen. I so love that there are no absolutes and it's okay to take as much time and whatever paths I choose.
I'm gaining confidence, am happier, laugh more, crying no longer hurts or lasts as long, pain and joy can be experienced together, and life is good.
I'm finding an understanding of a Higher Power that resonates with me, with no judgement from anyone.
I'm looking more often towards solutions without needing to tear apart and examine problems. My physical therapist encourages me to look at "needle-movers" or "elegant" movements that bring the greatest results with the easiest input. I've applied that thought towards my recovery from this Family Disease of Alcoholism. I get to choose which tools I want to pick up for the day. I get to ask others what they're doing, and see it modeled for me in person. I'm calling other people in the program, making time for myself and others, doing new actions when faced with old feelings and situations. I'm saying things like, "I don't know", when I really do not have an answer, and being okay with that. "Life is sometimes disappointing. It's okay to have disappointments. We're going to be okay."
I'm beautifully, imperfectly human. My recovery program has flaws and so do I. I'm learning to embrace that.
As my family sees me actively working my program, with healthy motivations of having time for myself (vs. trying to hit them over the head with my program
), I'm sharing myself and my recovery in very important ways. Thank you, to all here who time and again suggested Alanon, even the many times when I was unable to listen. I so love that there are no absolutes and it's okay to take as much time and whatever paths I choose.
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It's amazing to me to read what I wrote here yesterday. If I had read that a year ago, and especially anytime before that, I would have thought it impossible to make such leaps of change!
That's the beauty of what I've gone through and continue to go through. There are no huge leaps. One day at a time, by attending Alanon meetings and doing very small new actions, my thoughts and actions are often ones of enjoying life and not hiding from it.
This is such a counter-intuitive disease, yet here I am (11 years after joining SR), finding peace, serenity and freedom in my life.
That's the beauty of what I've gone through and continue to go through. There are no huge leaps. One day at a time, by attending Alanon meetings and doing very small new actions, my thoughts and actions are often ones of enjoying life and not hiding from it.
This is such a counter-intuitive disease, yet here I am (11 years after joining SR), finding peace, serenity and freedom in my life.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I adore this entire post KTF, but this part made me smile even more!! Way to go!!!
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
I so love that there are no absolutes and it's okay to take as much time and whatever paths I choose.
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I wrote this yesterday: "My husband is currently working a recovery program and is sober, but that's the tip of the iceberg and I actually had to ramp up my support network to deal with that."
Then walked in the door last night to find he decided to pick up the bottle again. My knee jerk reaction was to stay calm, deal with what was and said he needed to leave, that he couldn't stay. So funny, in my mind now, that he was refusing to leave, had a hard time even comprehending anything, and it took me a little while to accept that. I offered to give him a ride somewhere, asked if he wanted to go to a couple places. Only reply he was able to say was "nope".
I continued with my plans. Return movies to the library, with our son. Went to an AA business meeting I had been invited to. DH has been active in that group and was planning on going before the slip/relapse (more to be revealed in time). I asked if anyone could go get my husband so I could stay at home without him there, and they were willing to do that. Then my sponsor returned my call and after talking with her I realized I was going on self will and slipping into family rehab learned techniques, which haven't worked as well for me as simply turning back to my own program. Slips and relapses are common; how I deal with it best (time and again, what really has worked in my life) is deciding what to do for myself, not how to control him. I let him know I love him, that I can't help him with this, that there's probably someone in the program who understands what he's going through. He said "they all do...".
Not sure if I'll stay at home tonight, take DS and go spend a couple nights at my sponsor's house or what. Next indicated action and it'll work itself out. Nice to know I have options. I have a big assignment she gave me yesterday before I knew this happened. It's good to need to concentrate on that. Writing down everything in my life that I manage (whether needing to, trying to, etc. work, kids, time for me, time for recovery, laundry, cooking, buying groceries, etc.) and also writing down my finances to the best of my current ability, to see what I'm actually dealing with. Tradition 7 being applied to our home life, our family group: “Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” I can be creative with accepting available help as I need it, yet the goal is to be fully self-supporting and I can't do that without knowing where we are financially. Going to an Alanon "Alcoholism and Finances" workshop on Sunday was very informative and pivotal for me in being open to working on this, without shame, and without as much fear. I'm starting to have more fear of not knowing and not dealing with this than of knowing and stepping up to be more responsible. Tiny baby steps, one day at a time.
So, nothing has changed in my life. My husband is very sick. I have been, also.
I'm so very grateful today for extra foods being sent to our school for our lunch program, a new produce vendor and lots of great produce this week, for homemade jo-jo's today with olive oil and a fantastic seasoning recipe I found online (Emeril's ESSENCE Creole Seasoning Recipe : Emeril Lagasse : Food Network -- used smoked paprika that we had in stock, and not as much oregano -- I've used this heavily on pork roast and it's excellent on that, also). I'm thankful for SR, for Alanon, for AA. I'm thankful for my Higher Power, for wonderful blessings of the day. I'm thankful for people who've been around me all week helping and supporting me in many ways, without even realizing what they mean to me. I'm thankful for a cup of tea and energy to accomplish what is important to take care of today. I'm so very thankful for my imperfections. Thankful for letting go of illusions of perfectionism and obsessions of the mind.
I'm creative, energetic and confident. I can give of myself to those who want my help, and those who I'm able to help. I'm able to receive help, love and kindness. I'm a part of the Universe and enjoying life. I'm amazed at the goodness and abundance life has to offer.
What a change within me. I'll never forget the thread here to post something we like about ourselves on, and I bawled with the realization there was *nothing* good I was able to say about myself. I didn't like me or value myself. Now I'm forgiving of myself and kind to myself. I may backslide occasionally, and then I can say, "thank you, feelings, for caring for me. We're doing things differently now.", and then have tools and actions to back that up .
Then walked in the door last night to find he decided to pick up the bottle again. My knee jerk reaction was to stay calm, deal with what was and said he needed to leave, that he couldn't stay. So funny, in my mind now, that he was refusing to leave, had a hard time even comprehending anything, and it took me a little while to accept that. I offered to give him a ride somewhere, asked if he wanted to go to a couple places. Only reply he was able to say was "nope".
I continued with my plans. Return movies to the library, with our son. Went to an AA business meeting I had been invited to. DH has been active in that group and was planning on going before the slip/relapse (more to be revealed in time). I asked if anyone could go get my husband so I could stay at home without him there, and they were willing to do that. Then my sponsor returned my call and after talking with her I realized I was going on self will and slipping into family rehab learned techniques, which haven't worked as well for me as simply turning back to my own program. Slips and relapses are common; how I deal with it best (time and again, what really has worked in my life) is deciding what to do for myself, not how to control him. I let him know I love him, that I can't help him with this, that there's probably someone in the program who understands what he's going through. He said "they all do...".
Not sure if I'll stay at home tonight, take DS and go spend a couple nights at my sponsor's house or what. Next indicated action and it'll work itself out. Nice to know I have options. I have a big assignment she gave me yesterday before I knew this happened. It's good to need to concentrate on that. Writing down everything in my life that I manage (whether needing to, trying to, etc. work, kids, time for me, time for recovery, laundry, cooking, buying groceries, etc.) and also writing down my finances to the best of my current ability, to see what I'm actually dealing with. Tradition 7 being applied to our home life, our family group: “Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” I can be creative with accepting available help as I need it, yet the goal is to be fully self-supporting and I can't do that without knowing where we are financially. Going to an Alanon "Alcoholism and Finances" workshop on Sunday was very informative and pivotal for me in being open to working on this, without shame, and without as much fear. I'm starting to have more fear of not knowing and not dealing with this than of knowing and stepping up to be more responsible. Tiny baby steps, one day at a time.
So, nothing has changed in my life. My husband is very sick. I have been, also.
I'm so very grateful today for extra foods being sent to our school for our lunch program, a new produce vendor and lots of great produce this week, for homemade jo-jo's today with olive oil and a fantastic seasoning recipe I found online (Emeril's ESSENCE Creole Seasoning Recipe : Emeril Lagasse : Food Network -- used smoked paprika that we had in stock, and not as much oregano -- I've used this heavily on pork roast and it's excellent on that, also). I'm thankful for SR, for Alanon, for AA. I'm thankful for my Higher Power, for wonderful blessings of the day. I'm thankful for people who've been around me all week helping and supporting me in many ways, without even realizing what they mean to me. I'm thankful for a cup of tea and energy to accomplish what is important to take care of today. I'm so very thankful for my imperfections. Thankful for letting go of illusions of perfectionism and obsessions of the mind.
I'm creative, energetic and confident. I can give of myself to those who want my help, and those who I'm able to help. I'm able to receive help, love and kindness. I'm a part of the Universe and enjoying life. I'm amazed at the goodness and abundance life has to offer.
What a change within me. I'll never forget the thread here to post something we like about ourselves on, and I bawled with the realization there was *nothing* good I was able to say about myself. I didn't like me or value myself. Now I'm forgiving of myself and kind to myself. I may backslide occasionally, and then I can say, "thank you, feelings, for caring for me. We're doing things differently now.", and then have tools and actions to back that up .
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ps -- DS9 is in Alakid/Alateen and was the invited Alateen speaker at a local Alanon celebration recently. Last night he at first didn't want to believe dad was drinking. I was able to honor his feelings without asking him to change them, yet take care of my next indicated actions. He fairly quickly went from tired, whining (having just woke up from a nap in the car) to being okay. Later when he asked a couple questions and I honestly answered them, he said, "oh yeah. Dad's been drinking!" without needing to see proof or worry about anything. We both slept well at home last night. The drinking is just a symptom of the disease. He does realize that quitting drinking doesn't mean everything is going to be smooth sailing. It's okay for him to be a kid, have his own feelings and, very importantly, his own support network. I'm so very grateful for having an active Alateen program that is near enough for us to get to.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So sorry to hear about the relapse, ktf. It sucks.
Glad, though, to hear that you're coping.
Just sending you a hug. And it's OK to be disappointed (and even pissed off) about the relapse. I know you won't wallow in it, but hope you'll allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
Hugs,
Glad, though, to hear that you're coping.
Just sending you a hug. And it's OK to be disappointed (and even pissed off) about the relapse. I know you won't wallow in it, but hope you'll allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
Hugs,
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Thank you for the words and hug, Lexie! That may be coming up soon. Phases of feelings.
Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff
These exercises have helped greatly with recognizing difficulties and giving myself compassion. It's a physical as well as mental release for me. Doing one last night, I realized it's probably a good idea for me to continue doing them regularly, whether I think I'm in need of them or not. My brain has a hard time seeing what is actually good for my recovery. Reminders are very welcome!!
Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff
These exercises have helped greatly with recognizing difficulties and giving myself compassion. It's a physical as well as mental release for me. Doing one last night, I realized it's probably a good idea for me to continue doing them regularly, whether I think I'm in need of them or not. My brain has a hard time seeing what is actually good for my recovery. Reminders are very welcome!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
(((((((KTF))))))))) I'm so sorry about the relapse. Definitely continue with the exercises even when you aren't feeling pressured that you NEED it..... sometimes those maintenance sessions are when we get breakthroughs that have finally just bubbled to the surface & are ready to be dealt with. I'm a fan of Kristin Neff's work too, so I'd vote YES to a sticky for sure!
I hope you are doing well today (& DS too!)...... you have been making such great progress, keep going!!!
I hope you are doing well today (& DS too!)...... you have been making such great progress, keep going!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Having some beautiful days, even with facing the financial reality of this predicament I've gotten myself into. Being honest with myself and my sponsor, having my finances out in the open and talking about them without shame, is transforming how I'm dealing with them.
I had $120 in my pocket this morning. $20 paid on the vet bill. $42 at Walmart for an oil change that was LONG overdue plus two pairs of jeans for DS9 who literally has outgrown his old jeans this past week. We checked at Goodwill yesterday and they didn't have anything in his size. $20 for gas. $15 for local fresh food from a farmer.
Yesterday was at Costco and browsing (had cashed my Costco rebate and looked at jeans for DS there) -- and there was nothing we needed. We have food for today, we have all our basic needs met.
I have two goals I'm working on:
1) increase my income
2) decrease my expenses
Breaking it down with the help of my sponsor, reaching out to ask for help in appropriate ways to those who may be able to help me. Recognizing where pride, ego and denial have been getting in my way. DS9 and I stayed at my sponsor's house last night, to save on fuel since I live far out of town (2 1/2 hr round trip to meetings from where I live), and to spend some quiet time with others. I worked on my finances and taxes. DS played with her kids and then watched a movie with them.
I go to a Friday noon meeting while in the city for medical appointments, then my home group and the Alateen/Alakid group are on Saturday morning. I'm going to call others in the program to arrange for other places to stay on Friday nights, extending our support network. One we had been invited to already, but I hadn't taken them up on the offer yet. This week I will! I don't regret the money I've spent driving so many miles on the road. It's been well worth it and has gotten me to this point. Especially with many Alanon and AA speaker tapes played during those miles! It's now time to change that where possible, in order to save money, save time and to reach out and accept help from others who've been through this.
Working on principled actions, accountability, self-worth, being a woman of my word, and fully self-sufficient. Wow. Big order there. What seemed impossible, now looks to be possible.
I had $120 in my pocket this morning. $20 paid on the vet bill. $42 at Walmart for an oil change that was LONG overdue plus two pairs of jeans for DS9 who literally has outgrown his old jeans this past week. We checked at Goodwill yesterday and they didn't have anything in his size. $20 for gas. $15 for local fresh food from a farmer.
Yesterday was at Costco and browsing (had cashed my Costco rebate and looked at jeans for DS there) -- and there was nothing we needed. We have food for today, we have all our basic needs met.
I have two goals I'm working on:
1) increase my income
2) decrease my expenses
Breaking it down with the help of my sponsor, reaching out to ask for help in appropriate ways to those who may be able to help me. Recognizing where pride, ego and denial have been getting in my way. DS9 and I stayed at my sponsor's house last night, to save on fuel since I live far out of town (2 1/2 hr round trip to meetings from where I live), and to spend some quiet time with others. I worked on my finances and taxes. DS played with her kids and then watched a movie with them.
I go to a Friday noon meeting while in the city for medical appointments, then my home group and the Alateen/Alakid group are on Saturday morning. I'm going to call others in the program to arrange for other places to stay on Friday nights, extending our support network. One we had been invited to already, but I hadn't taken them up on the offer yet. This week I will! I don't regret the money I've spent driving so many miles on the road. It's been well worth it and has gotten me to this point. Especially with many Alanon and AA speaker tapes played during those miles! It's now time to change that where possible, in order to save money, save time and to reach out and accept help from others who've been through this.
Working on principled actions, accountability, self-worth, being a woman of my word, and fully self-sufficient. Wow. Big order there. What seemed impossible, now looks to be possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
KTF-
Wow!!
Thats all I can say. First post I was so proud of your accomplishments. I didn't remember that he was sober. Then my heart sank when you said he was drinking, again. My heart goes out to you, that since 2004 you have been working so hard on your program. It totally shows that you are AWESOME & a SURVIVOR!!! Look at what you are showing your son!!
I don't think there is anything that you couldn't do. I am over whelmed that for 11 years you have been working on yourself. I have such respect for you, that you have stuck it out with him. Once I landed back in Alanon and found SR, I gave up on my A and walked away, 11 months total it took me. (34 years together) This is not something that I am proud of, as I see how hard you have worked over the years.
Hugs my friend, you have a straight stairway to Heaven!!
Wow!!
Thats all I can say. First post I was so proud of your accomplishments. I didn't remember that he was sober. Then my heart sank when you said he was drinking, again. My heart goes out to you, that since 2004 you have been working so hard on your program. It totally shows that you are AWESOME & a SURVIVOR!!! Look at what you are showing your son!!
I don't think there is anything that you couldn't do. I am over whelmed that for 11 years you have been working on yourself. I have such respect for you, that you have stuck it out with him. Once I landed back in Alanon and found SR, I gave up on my A and walked away, 11 months total it took me. (34 years together) This is not something that I am proud of, as I see how hard you have worked over the years.
Hugs my friend, you have a straight stairway to Heaven!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I cannot love this thread enough. KTF-you are amazing, simply inspiring. Good for you, seriously. Just, very inspired. I am with you that when I started my recovery, there was not much I liked about myself-I had been beaten down so much and was so wrapped up in my ex and why he did what he did, etc, etc-all about him. I needed to get better-ME. I'm on my way and it sure is nice to read your posts...they truly help me. You're a great momma and your kiddo is lucky. I hope your husband gets back on the wagon-he sure knows what he should do, if he chooses. Peace to you, friend.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I understand exactly, EXACTLY what you mean. Getting sober about my financial situation was like alternating emotions of relief (so happy to know where I stand for real) and shame (I work in finances & am great with money but none of that gives me control over RAH's habits).
Sometimes, trying to justify spending $5 on DD for something like a movie would bring me to tears & then the anger would rise over being in this entire situation to begin with. It was so overwhelming & I felt like I was always stuck between 2 bad decisions, trying to figure out which one was worse.
((((((HUGS)))))) KTF, you are doing amazingly with all of this & I have no doubt that you'll keep doing the "next right thing". It can be so easy to abandon our own recovery needs when our partners relapse when really, that's when we need it more than ever. You are SUCH a great example of a healthy, working recovery during a would-be crisis. Thank you for sharing your brave journey with us!
Sometimes, trying to justify spending $5 on DD for something like a movie would bring me to tears & then the anger would rise over being in this entire situation to begin with. It was so overwhelming & I felt like I was always stuck between 2 bad decisions, trying to figure out which one was worse.
((((((HUGS)))))) KTF, you are doing amazingly with all of this & I have no doubt that you'll keep doing the "next right thing". It can be so easy to abandon our own recovery needs when our partners relapse when really, that's when we need it more than ever. You are SUCH a great example of a healthy, working recovery during a would-be crisis. Thank you for sharing your brave journey with us!
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