Please help...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Please help...
I need advice desperately. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks into my sobriety. I had two months last week. Unfortunately I relapsed a week ago when my therapist started to really dig into the trauma of my past. (abuse by my mother, grandmother & a rape when I was 17).
My original sobriety date was November 15, 2015. My AA sponsor almost forced me to seek therapy to deal with all the underlying reasons of why I was drinking. While I agree with her philosophy of "dealing with the trauma", I'm having a really hard time staying sober and dealing with 18 years of trauma and abuse at that same time.
I feel like I should get some solid sobriety under my belt before I start dealing with severe trauma from my childhood. I recently posted something about this but my sponsor is still insisting that I keep seeing the therapist to deal with this crap.
:-(
She says that if I don't deal with the trauma now I'll never stay sober! I feel like I need to put the trauma in the "back of my mind" again and focus on sobriety until I'm strong enough to deal with the it! My sponsor says I don't know what's best for me! :-( I take offense to that because I feel like I do know that the biggest trigger for me to drink is the trauma. And if I drank every time I deal with the trauma that's not good. My sponsor is also never dealt with trauma in her life.
Does anyone have any experience with this? I feel like it would be common sense to wait and deal with the severe trauma later since I always used alcohol to numb the traumatic memories. What do you guys think? It's a double edge sword!
I really need help with this! Thank you.
My original sobriety date was November 15, 2015. My AA sponsor almost forced me to seek therapy to deal with all the underlying reasons of why I was drinking. While I agree with her philosophy of "dealing with the trauma", I'm having a really hard time staying sober and dealing with 18 years of trauma and abuse at that same time.
I feel like I should get some solid sobriety under my belt before I start dealing with severe trauma from my childhood. I recently posted something about this but my sponsor is still insisting that I keep seeing the therapist to deal with this crap.
:-(
She says that if I don't deal with the trauma now I'll never stay sober! I feel like I need to put the trauma in the "back of my mind" again and focus on sobriety until I'm strong enough to deal with the it! My sponsor says I don't know what's best for me! :-( I take offense to that because I feel like I do know that the biggest trigger for me to drink is the trauma. And if I drank every time I deal with the trauma that's not good. My sponsor is also never dealt with trauma in her life.
Does anyone have any experience with this? I feel like it would be common sense to wait and deal with the severe trauma later since I always used alcohol to numb the traumatic memories. What do you guys think? It's a double edge sword!
I really need help with this! Thank you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I have little experience with trauma.
I would suggest you follow your instinct on this. If dealing with it is a trigger to drink, maybe get some solid sobriety under your belt first.
On the other hand, there will always be 'reasons' to drink. You have to learn to ignore them and stay sober.
I would suggest you follow your instinct on this. If dealing with it is a trigger to drink, maybe get some solid sobriety under your belt first.
On the other hand, there will always be 'reasons' to drink. You have to learn to ignore them and stay sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
First of all, I do believe YOU know what's best for you. 
I do think it's necessary to deal with the underlying issues so that we can recover. I also had an abusive childhood and I understand your feelings. One thing I know for certain is that my abusive past has made me resent being told what to do. I know that I need make decisions and choices in my life for myself. Does your therapist know you were unable to deal with discussing the abuse issues with her and it caused you to relapse? It's bound to bring up a lot of emotion, but hopefully your therapist will advise you on how to deal with that so you don't relapse.
I don't use AA , but my suggestion would be to sit quietly and listen to your soul. That's where you will find the answer to when to deal with the trauma.
I do think it's necessary to deal with the underlying issues so that we can recover. I also had an abusive childhood and I understand your feelings. One thing I know for certain is that my abusive past has made me resent being told what to do. I know that I need make decisions and choices in my life for myself. Does your therapist know you were unable to deal with discussing the abuse issues with her and it caused you to relapse? It's bound to bring up a lot of emotion, but hopefully your therapist will advise you on how to deal with that so you don't relapse.
I don't use AA , but my suggestion would be to sit quietly and listen to your soul. That's where you will find the answer to when to deal with the trauma.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
It's a tough one, but I agree YOU know what's best deep down.
For me dealing with my childhood, my dad's alcoholism and his subsequent loss was a whole closet worth of stuff to deal with as I was getting Sober, and to be honest I was in your mindset KiKi, I started to deal with and reorganize my thoughts and feelings around it after a period of Sobriety.
I know serious trauma is a whole other level, so I can only share what I needed to work through, but I can tell you I wasn't hitting the ground running on my childhood straight away, I'm not even fully there yet.
But Sobriety came first, I built the foundation of my new life first and then started to put in the windows and doors!!
Hang in there KiKi!!
For me dealing with my childhood, my dad's alcoholism and his subsequent loss was a whole closet worth of stuff to deal with as I was getting Sober, and to be honest I was in your mindset KiKi, I started to deal with and reorganize my thoughts and feelings around it after a period of Sobriety.
I know serious trauma is a whole other level, so I can only share what I needed to work through, but I can tell you I wasn't hitting the ground running on my childhood straight away, I'm not even fully there yet.
But Sobriety came first, I built the foundation of my new life first and then started to put in the windows and doors!!
Hang in there KiKi!!
just keep swimming
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 504
I agree. You HAVE to do what's best for you and if that means dealing with other stuff at a later date, then so be it.
And if your sponsor doesn't like it, maybe you need a new sponsor. That may be a no-no, not sure, but seems to me getting sober is hard enough without other people making it harder.
And if your sponsor doesn't like it, maybe you need a new sponsor. That may be a no-no, not sure, but seems to me getting sober is hard enough without other people making it harder.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm not sure why your sponsor has involved herself to be honest.
I'm with Anna I think you know better than anyone else what you can handle and what you can't.
Did you end up talking to your therapist about your concerns at all, Kiki?
D
I'm with Anna I think you know better than anyone else what you can handle and what you can't.
Did you end up talking to your therapist about your concerns at all, Kiki?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Plato was credited with the quote, "An unexamined life is not worth living...or was it Socrates!!!..no matter..I think it is good advice...but when we are ready....and then one bite at a time, that's how we eat an elephant...isnt it?
I am not AA... so I don't know the policies!!
I agree with you and can not for the life of me see the point of opening up all the pain of the past when you are trying to learn the ropes of sober life.
You have been through a lot ...take care of yourself and follow your instincts.
I am over 2 years sober and can still struggle with all the feelings and emotions with nothing to numb them but I am learning and it is getting easier ..
I am not AA... so I don't know the policies!!
I agree with you and can not for the life of me see the point of opening up all the pain of the past when you are trying to learn the ropes of sober life.
You have been through a lot ...take care of yourself and follow your instincts.
I am over 2 years sober and can still struggle with all the feelings and emotions with nothing to numb them but I am learning and it is getting easier ..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I have tried to get sober on and off for years, and done the therapy on and off. Sometimes dealing with the past and traumatic things of the past makes me feel horrible about myself. I think you should trust yourself and your instincts. If you can stay sober without dealing with the trauma issues (right now), I don't think that's wrong. I personally am much better able to discuss and process "bad" things and feelings when I haven't been drinking heavily 
I don't disagree with your idea of getting some sobriety under your belt before you dive in
I don't disagree with your idea of getting some sobriety under your belt before you dive in
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Agreed with all of the above.
A person who is your sponsor in AA is not working in the capacity of a therapist and is not credentialed to advise their sponsee on when or how to deal with psychological issues. Can you find another sponsor who is not quite so controlling?
A person who is your sponsor in AA is not working in the capacity of a therapist and is not credentialed to advise their sponsee on when or how to deal with psychological issues. Can you find another sponsor who is not quite so controlling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Here's my new plan (since I started this thread yesterday):
1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.
2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.
3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.
So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!
:-) Kiki
1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.
2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.
3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.
So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!
:-) Kiki
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I'd follow the advice and guidance of your therapist.....
I'd be 100% honest with your therapist about your recovery and about the impact your trauma work is having....
I'd double down on recovery work alongside the therapy and I'd recognize there's never really a "good time" when it comes to dealing with unresolved issues and recovery.
It's not going to be easy. There are surely varied paths through it all.
I'd encourage you to encourage yourself "YOU CAN DO THIS!!!"....
I'd encourage you to encourage yourself to realize that trauma is not an 'excuse' for a return to addiction. Many of us have dealt with trauma - or NOT dealt with trauma - and used our addiction to 'treat' it.
There's a complex, interwoven relationship.... rely on the professionals to help guide you and rely on a strong, fully-embraced sobriety plan of ACTION to help you....
OH...
And......
YOU CAN DO IT.
I'd be 100% honest with your therapist about your recovery and about the impact your trauma work is having....
I'd double down on recovery work alongside the therapy and I'd recognize there's never really a "good time" when it comes to dealing with unresolved issues and recovery.
It's not going to be easy. There are surely varied paths through it all.
I'd encourage you to encourage yourself "YOU CAN DO THIS!!!"....
I'd encourage you to encourage yourself to realize that trauma is not an 'excuse' for a return to addiction. Many of us have dealt with trauma - or NOT dealt with trauma - and used our addiction to 'treat' it.
There's a complex, interwoven relationship.... rely on the professionals to help guide you and rely on a strong, fully-embraced sobriety plan of ACTION to help you....
OH...
And......
YOU CAN DO IT.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by KiKi0615 
Here's my new plan (since I started this thread yesterday):
1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.
2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.
3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.
So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!
:-) Kiki
1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.
2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.
3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.
So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!
:-) Kiki
Taking action, setting intent, and moving forward.....
Not sitting in a place of indecision, awaiting the AV or being victim to your circumstance....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Kiki, IMHO you are showing awesome common sense and awareness. I also have a trauma background. I don't think that this is a cookie cutter process with a "right" vs "wrong" way to do it. Good that you changed sponsors and therapists to support you in what you need to do. I think you have the insight and ability to go far. Thinking of you and sending you hugs as you work through all of this!
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Originally Posted by KiKi0615
Here's my new plan (since I started this thread yesterday):
1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.
2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.
3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.
So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!
:-) Kiki
1. I changed sponsors to someone who is also a trauma survivor & understands the importance of focusing on my sobriety right now & getting some time under my belt before opening up a bunch of wounds.
2. I made an appt with a new therapist who specializes in addiction AND trauma. She also works with patients in an outpatient treatment center & runs trauma and addiction support groups. *as much as I love my current psychologist, she simply doesn't have the addiction experience I need.
3. I am going to put the trauma stuff on a "shelf" for a while until I have SOLID sobriety under my belt & focus ONLY on staying sober & learning new tools to cope. I am gonna need a full tool box when it comes time to deal with the train.
So that's why I've been working on for the past 24 hours. Thank you so much for all your kind words, advice & support!
:-) Kiki
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