sobriety monitoring schedule with A parent?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
sobriety monitoring schedule with A parent?
Hi,
For those of you parents who are divorced from an alcoholic spouse, would you mind sharing what the sobriety monitoring program is with the alcoholic parent? I know some of you have said that the ex has never been able to demonstrate sobriety so s/he doesn't get any custody or unsupervised visitation. Does anyone use SoberLink or a similar system? If so, how often, when, etc.?
My ex wants alternate weeks; my attorney thinks he might be able to get weekends. In either case, what should I ask for in order to show sobriety? Apparently I'm the one who will have to come up with a reasonable sobriety monitoring mechanism to propose, and then get him to agree to it.
Feel free to pm me. I'd love to know what schedules people use, how it's enforced, what happens if the parent drinks, etc.
Thank you--
For those of you parents who are divorced from an alcoholic spouse, would you mind sharing what the sobriety monitoring program is with the alcoholic parent? I know some of you have said that the ex has never been able to demonstrate sobriety so s/he doesn't get any custody or unsupervised visitation. Does anyone use SoberLink or a similar system? If so, how often, when, etc.?
My ex wants alternate weeks; my attorney thinks he might be able to get weekends. In either case, what should I ask for in order to show sobriety? Apparently I'm the one who will have to come up with a reasonable sobriety monitoring mechanism to propose, and then get him to agree to it.
Feel free to pm me. I'd love to know what schedules people use, how it's enforced, what happens if the parent drinks, etc.
Thank you--
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
We use hand held devices that pair with our phones. He must take mine (I believe he has screwed w his to get false negative readings so mine is mandatory per the parenting plan) before parenting time, and at the end of parenting time.
When it shows anything other than 0.00 he loses parenting time.
On overnights (he hasn't exercised these in about 6 months) he must meet me first thing in the am to take the device (and twice it showed he had been drinking the night before so overnights ended for a long time).
Not sure if that makes sense but I can describe it in more detail if you want to pm me.
When it shows anything other than 0.00 he loses parenting time.
On overnights (he hasn't exercised these in about 6 months) he must meet me first thing in the am to take the device (and twice it showed he had been drinking the night before so overnights ended for a long time).
Not sure if that makes sense but I can describe it in more detail if you want to pm me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
We're in different states, so he is supposed to have 9 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas. Per the court order he has the choice of either obtaining a substance abuse evaluation and completing and complying with all recommendations outlined by the evaluator (rehab, meetings, aftercare, etc.) OR he can do monitored sobriety via Soberlink, twice daily breathalyzer tests where I am able to monitor the results. Any alcohol consumed would result in the immediate termination of the visit with our son being taken into safe custody (probably by his grandparents). Of course I haven't had to actually deal with any of this yet. The first summer visit will tentatively start this June. If I was putting money on it though, I would bet that he'll refuse to comply with either condition of the court order and then try to bluster and intimidate his way into a visit anyway, but we'll see.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My ex was court ordered to use soberlink. His schedule was four times per day with an extra for overnight. He lost all visitation almost a year ago due to his failed tests (the judge in my case was so outraged at his actions and alcoholism that he ordered a three strike and your out policy last April and he failed in less than a week). By the way, you can call soberlink (or have your attorney call) and they can walk you through setting up a plan.
There are no ways to get around it-but alkis will keep drinking in hopes to not get caught-it's what they do. My ex used every excuse in the book-it was Listerine, it was toothpaste, etc etc-I have heard them all. Trust me. Please make sure you discuss with the soberlink reps bc trust me, they've heard all the excuses that addicts make too. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
There are no ways to get around it-but alkis will keep drinking in hopes to not get caught-it's what they do. My ex used every excuse in the book-it was Listerine, it was toothpaste, etc etc-I have heard them all. Trust me. Please make sure you discuss with the soberlink reps bc trust me, they've heard all the excuses that addicts make too. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Btw-sauerkraut-I had to share the most ludacris fail my ex had-a week after our divorce was final he tested above the legal limit at 6 ish a.m. He didn't test sober until almost 4pm that afternoon and blew all day-positives-and sent me tons of notes that I better bring the girls over bc he had no idea (cue pity party voice) what was going on with his stupid breathalyzer-it was malfunctioning!! He hadn't had a drop to drink, he swore!!! (Therefore it must be true, you know, bc the pathalogical liar said it was). Uh huh. That was just one of plenty of excuses I heard. I did pray for him each time he failed bc it was so sad. And I think he truly believed/believes his own lies!! (Which is truly scary)
Btw/mine has to test 12 hours prior to any visitation or no visitation (of course testing during visitation). Mine completely stopped testing for months over the summer and his device was deactivated for non compliance. Wahoo, buddy.
My point is, they are alcoholics and unless that are in true recovery, they will hang themselves. It's what they do. Mine is more than just alcohol-he's the egomaniac arrogant narc that truly believes he can do whatever he wants to do with co consequences bc he can always scapegoat me-he tries to bully and threaten and stalk. Truly sad to live that way, but hey, not my problem. You will be fine-but get an ironclad testing schedule and do not budge for the safety of your children. Period.
Btw/mine has to test 12 hours prior to any visitation or no visitation (of course testing during visitation). Mine completely stopped testing for months over the summer and his device was deactivated for non compliance. Wahoo, buddy.
My point is, they are alcoholics and unless that are in true recovery, they will hang themselves. It's what they do. Mine is more than just alcohol-he's the egomaniac arrogant narc that truly believes he can do whatever he wants to do with co consequences bc he can always scapegoat me-he tries to bully and threaten and stalk. Truly sad to live that way, but hey, not my problem. You will be fine-but get an ironclad testing schedule and do not budge for the safety of your children. Period.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Hi,
My XAH and I established a plan via mediation that he will be tested before and after each visit (day visits only at this point). I purchased an OTC breathalyzer for this purpose. I've asked my XAH to also purchase one so that we have two to compare with each other. According to him, no matter what I purchase, it's always inaccurate! If it shows anything other than 0.00 then his visits become supervised until he can prove a period of sobriety through continued testing. If he really thinks that the test is inaccurate, he can opt to be tested at the local police department.
Our mediation took two sessions. He failed the weekend in between our mediation sessions and then failed immediately after he signed the agreement. He hasn't seen our daughter but only once in 7 months. I've heard all the excuses as to why the test is wrong and I'm keeping him from his daughter by hanging this "test" over his head.
The agreement he signed allows this test to occur for every visit. If after two years of no fails then it goes away and I can then opt to test him at the police station if I suspect drinking. If I have him tested at the police station and he passes, then I owe him a nuisance fee. We didn't make it two days, let alone two years. I felt safe with the agreement we had as my XAH is in complete denial of his problem as it relates to his ability to parent.
There was one day that he came to pick up my daughter with a .13 BAC at 10:00 am. Our new agreement works for me. I feel better having the zero tolerance paragraph in our divorce decree. It was really the only thing I cared about in our mediation process.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want further information. Good Luck!
My XAH and I established a plan via mediation that he will be tested before and after each visit (day visits only at this point). I purchased an OTC breathalyzer for this purpose. I've asked my XAH to also purchase one so that we have two to compare with each other. According to him, no matter what I purchase, it's always inaccurate! If it shows anything other than 0.00 then his visits become supervised until he can prove a period of sobriety through continued testing. If he really thinks that the test is inaccurate, he can opt to be tested at the local police department.
Our mediation took two sessions. He failed the weekend in between our mediation sessions and then failed immediately after he signed the agreement. He hasn't seen our daughter but only once in 7 months. I've heard all the excuses as to why the test is wrong and I'm keeping him from his daughter by hanging this "test" over his head.
The agreement he signed allows this test to occur for every visit. If after two years of no fails then it goes away and I can then opt to test him at the police station if I suspect drinking. If I have him tested at the police station and he passes, then I owe him a nuisance fee. We didn't make it two days, let alone two years. I felt safe with the agreement we had as my XAH is in complete denial of his problem as it relates to his ability to parent.
There was one day that he came to pick up my daughter with a .13 BAC at 10:00 am. Our new agreement works for me. I feel better having the zero tolerance paragraph in our divorce decree. It was really the only thing I cared about in our mediation process.
Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want further information. Good Luck!
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